Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 (((((Holly))))) Be gentle with yourself. You're not a wuss, you're a trauma victim. You'll be able to face memories when you're ready; it has to do with feeling safe enough. It takes as long as it takes. You are very courageous to even try to face these traumas, that deserves congratulations and support! (Yay for the Cheesecake Factory!) -Annie > > Last Thursday at counseling, my T saw that the fact my dad disowned me was still such a painful topic, and she wanted to work on that a little bit today. > > The problem is, my brain is so good at whitewashing things, that sometimes I feel like I'm being a whiner, " Oh, I just overreacted--my parents were actually alright. " But the thing is, I KNOW my dad was abusive. I just can't remember very much of it, except for the few memories I've been able to suppress the emotions of, well. > > That's why I thought, okay, I should print out the emails my dad, mom, and I sent each other during the aftermath of the disowning, that way we have something concrete to work from in today's session. That will help me remember things, so I can heal, instead of being all stressed that I can't remember anything. > > So, I went to do that, starting first with the super long letter my dad sent. I opened it up, and just seeing the first two sentences made me panic and I switched my browser tabs. It's not as easy as just printing it out without looking--my eyes are naturally drawn to words and I can't help but read part of it. > > I feel like a wuss for panicking. I really should have printed it off at home last night, instead of trying to do that while on lunch break at work. I really don't need to be triggered for the rest of the afternoon. I still do want to remember what exactly happened, though, in order to process it. > > I know my T will be fine with not having the letters, but for my own memory's sake, I feel like I need to print it out. It's frustrating. and it's such a simple thing to do--so I don't get what set me in such a panic. > > I'll try to get up the courage to print it off sometime later on this afternoon to avoid anxiety for most of work. But it's just kind of frustrating.I hate this memory amnesia. At least my T knows I have it, and she's explained to me that it was a protective mechanism at the time so I don't feel too bad...it just keeps making me wonder if *I'm* the one that's crazy. > > Well, at least DH promised we can go get some Cheesecake Factory cheesecake afterwards, so that's something to look forward to. > > Just rambling aloud... > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 I'd like to second that call for gentleness! You are doing the best you can, so allow yourself some baby-steps! Tell your T you are trying to move too fast--as evidenced by the way you are 'checking out' when trying to do such painful stuff. You just need gradual immersion, not just a big jump into the pool. You need to know that the fear you are feeling is just that, fear. You can't be hurt any more than you already are--you just haven't caught up with all those feelings yet. And you will, in time. Our minds have a way of dropping those defenses when we are ready to accept those big bites. I know for me a lot of this hinged on my T--I had to be sure of her before I allowed her to have me jump in the pool--would she let me drown or support me and pull me out if I needed it? I had to establish that trust first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Hi Holly, I did the same thing with the emotionally abusive emails from my mother. I printed them, and then left them folded in my bag for a week or so. Then I took them out of my bag and left them on the table, still folded for another week. Then I opened them and read them (felt all the feelings all over again)... and then I taped them into my journal. My journal... which represents my inner self. I taped them in there. It was hard... but somehow taking ownership of those experiences felt powerful. I hope the same will be true for you. ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Thursday, May 26, 2011 1:29 PM Subject: I'm a wuss. Â Last Thursday at counseling, my T saw that the fact my dad disowned me was still such a painful topic, and she wanted to work on that a little bit today. The problem is, my brain is so good at whitewashing things, that sometimes I feel like I'm being a whiner, " Oh, I just overreacted--my parents were actually alright. " But the thing is, I KNOW my dad was abusive. I just can't remember very much of it, except for the few memories I've been able to suppress the emotions of, well. That's why I thought, okay, I should print out the emails my dad, mom, and I sent each other during the aftermath of the disowning, that way we have something concrete to work from in today's session. That will help me remember things, so I can heal, instead of being all stressed that I can't remember anything. So, I went to do that, starting first with the super long letter my dad sent. I opened it up, and just seeing the first two sentences made me panic and I switched my browser tabs. It's not as easy as just printing it out without looking--my eyes are naturally drawn to words and I can't help but read part of it. I feel like a wuss for panicking. I really should have printed it off at home last night, instead of trying to do that while on lunch break at work. I really don't need to be triggered for the rest of the afternoon. I still do want to remember what exactly happened, though, in order to process it. I know my T will be fine with not having the letters, but for my own memory's sake, I feel like I need to print it out. It's frustrating. and it's such a simple thing to do--so I don't get what set me in such a panic. I'll try to get up the courage to print it off sometime later on this afternoon to avoid anxiety for most of work. But it's just kind of frustrating.I hate this memory amnesia. At least my T knows I have it, and she's explained to me that it was a protective mechanism at the time so I don't feel too bad...it just keeps making me wonder if *I'm* the one that's crazy. Well, at least DH promised we can go get some Cheesecake Factory cheesecake afterwards, so that's something to look forward to. Just rambling aloud... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 26, 2011 Report Share Posted May 26, 2011 Thanks, all, for the responses It's so nice to know I'm not crazy, and I appreciate the reminders to slow down. I just like to get things done, but it's harder when you can't really see the progress the same way you do when you break a bone, or get a scrape. You can see it heal and go away. Emotions and feelings...not so much. and I'll talk with her at the appt about slowing things down. The disowning is the most recent traumatic memory, as I've since gone NC with my family. So I guess I can see why she might like to work on it, as opposed to memories from when I was a child. It's funny, I have the disowning memory packaged up nicely so I can give the facts without getting emotional--in effect, I've distanced myself from it. but actually going back and seeing what I've written and what Fada's written...that's something I haven't done yet. DH printed it out for me so I wouldn't have to look at it, and I'm going to pick it up on my way to her office...but I don't know if I'm ready to really go head to head with it, though I would like to. Anyway, thanks > > > > I'd like to second that call for gentleness! You are doing the best you > can, so allow yourself some baby-steps! > > Tell your T you are trying to move too fast--as evidenced by the way you > are 'checking out' when trying to do such painful stuff. You just need > gradual immersion, not just a big jump into the pool. > > You need to know that the fear you are feeling is just that, fear. You > can't be hurt any more than you already are--you just haven't caught up with > all those feelings yet. And you will, in time. Our minds have a way of > dropping those defenses when we are ready to accept those big bites. > > I know for me a lot of this hinged on my T--I had to be sure of her before > I allowed her to have me jump in the pool--would she let me drown or support > me and pull me out if I needed it? I had to establish that trust first. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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