I'm a wuss.

[Guest guest]

Last Thursday at counseling, my T saw that the fact my dad disowned me was still

such a painful topic, and she wanted to work on that a little bit today.

The problem is, my brain is so good at whitewashing things, that sometimes I

feel like I'm being a whiner, " Oh, I just overreacted--my parents were actually

alright. " But the thing is, I KNOW my dad was abusive. I just can't remember

very much of it, except for the few memories I've been able to suppress the

emotions of, well.

That's why I thought, okay, I should print out the emails my dad, mom, and I

sent each other during the aftermath of the disowning, that way we have

something concrete to work from in today's session. That will help me remember

things, so I can heal, instead of being all stressed that I can't remember

anything.

So, I went to do that, starting first with the super long letter my dad sent. I

opened it up, and just seeing the first two sentences made me panic and I

switched my browser tabs. It's not as easy as just printing it out without

looking--my eyes are naturally drawn to words and I can't help but read part of

it.

I feel like a wuss for panicking. I really should have printed it off at home

last night, instead of trying to do that while on lunch break at work. I really

don't need to be triggered for the rest of the afternoon. I still do want to

remember what exactly happened, though, in order to process it.

I know my T will be fine with not having the letters, but for my own memory's

sake, I feel like I need to print it out. It's frustrating. and it's such a

simple thing to do--so I don't get what set me in such a panic.

I'll try to get up the courage to print it off sometime later on this afternoon

to avoid anxiety for most of work. But it's just kind of frustrating.I hate this

memory amnesia. At least my T knows I have it, and she's explained to me that it

was a protective mechanism at the time so I don't feel too bad...it just keeps

making me wonder if *I'm* the one that's crazy.

Well, at least DH promised we can go get some Cheesecake Factory cheesecake

afterwards, so that's something to look forward to.

Just rambling aloud...