Intro - sorry, long

[Guest guest]

Hi,

Six months ago I estranged myself from my mum as I could no longer accept her

behaviour. I had no idea about BPD and just happened to stumble across it as I

was reading about estrangement. My goodness, what a relief when I found it. I

kept reading and re-reading the descriptions because it was like someone had

secretly been watching my life and recorded moment by moment.

My mum has been an incredibly destructive force in my life. She was a single

mother and I spent 80% of my time with her. She spent much of her time enraged

seemingly by anything I did. I have found drawings I did when I was 5 with her

scribbling's on the back about how I was ostracising her and humiliating her

deliberately in front of family. Then after a rage she would swallow me up with

her need. This has been the pattern of our relationship for much of our life. I

spent so long just desperately wanting to feel safe and loved and so shut myself

down to anything that wouldn't please her.

At the time though it never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with

this behaviour - I assumed this was how mothers were. I thught she was standing

up for herself as she lost friend after friend to her never ending demands. Then

I had my own child and realised that I would never, ever treat my child in the

way I had been treated and the veneer cracked. My daughter is 5 years old now

and in those 5 years my mum has become more and more desperate as I struggled to

set limits on how her behaviour impacted my family and stopped being her carer.

Eventually there was one shaming exercise too many and that caused me to break

off contact.

Ultimately though I am feeling confused. I don't love my mother, but I do feel

sad for her. She had a horrendous childhood - orphaned, reclaimed, sexually,

emotionally and physically abused. I'm not at all angry with her. I was, but I

have come to realise how little control she currently has over her behaviour. In

the same way as I might feel sad for anyone who has become estranged from

someone they love, I feel sad for my mum. I know she adored/adores me. She just

doesn't have the personal resources to show that in anything other than an

incredibly destructive way.

I feel she deserves (as I think anyone deserves) to have a chance to be made

well and I know I would have to be a part of that. But do I want to go there?

She's in her 60s, she's had over a decade's treatment for post-traumatic stress

disorder, and she's a trained psychologist. I don't know that she'd even accept

a diagnosis (from a professional, not from me) let alone work towards helping

herself. Is anything going to make a difference to a woman who is so broken? I

don't know. I have loved every minute of the last 6 months and am finally

starting to slowly open the shutters and find out who I am when I am allowed to

be me. I'm finding for the first time in decades that I'm actually kind of ok.

Will seeing her again board me all up again? I don't know.

Anyway, thanks for getting this far. I am so grateful to have found this forum

and have started reading through the posts. Always good to know you're not

alone.

[Guest guest]

Hi mim,

Welcome to the Group, to you and other new members here.

Yes, it made a big, positive difference to me to discover that I wasn't the only

one whose mother has such negative, toxic, bewildering behaviors and that these

behaviors are actually nothing less than a serious mental illness.

I thought it was my fault, that I made her act that way; I grew up being told

that my mother's feelings were my fault, that I made her so angry at me and made

her scream at me and call me names and hit me.

So, its good to know that my mother is dead wrong, that her feelings are her own

responsibility, and its on her shoulders to seek professional therapy for

herself, or not.

And its good to know that I have the right to refuse to allow myself to be

subjected to her verbal abuse, that I can walk away from it and doing so doesn't

make me a rotten human being.

So, welcome. You've found a bunch of people here who " get it. "

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> Six months ago I estranged myself from my mum as I could no longer accept her

behaviour. I had no idea about BPD and just happened to stumble across it as I

was reading about estrangement. My goodness, what a relief when I found it. I

kept reading and re-reading the descriptions because it was like someone had

secretly been watching my life and recorded moment by moment.

>

> My mum has been an incredibly destructive force in my life. She was a single

mother and I spent 80% of my time with her. She spent much of her time enraged

seemingly by anything I did. I have found drawings I did when I was 5 with her

scribbling's on the back about how I was ostracising her and humiliating her

deliberately in front of family. Then after a rage she would swallow me up with

her need. This has been the pattern of our relationship for much of our life. I

spent so long just desperately wanting to feel safe and loved and so shut myself

down to anything that wouldn't please her.

>

> At the time though it never occurred to me that there was anything wrong with

this behaviour - I assumed this was how mothers were. I thught she was standing

up for herself as she lost friend after friend to her never ending demands. Then

I had my own child and realised that I would never, ever treat my child in the

way I had been treated and the veneer cracked. My daughter is 5 years old now

and in those 5 years my mum has become more and more desperate as I struggled to

set limits on how her behaviour impacted my family and stopped being her carer.

Eventually there was one shaming exercise too many and that caused me to break

off contact.

>

> Ultimately though I am feeling confused. I don't love my mother, but I do feel

sad for her. She had a horrendous childhood - orphaned, reclaimed, sexually,

emotionally and physically abused. I'm not at all angry with her. I was, but I

have come to realise how little control she currently has over her behaviour. In

the same way as I might feel sad for anyone who has become estranged from

someone they love, I feel sad for my mum. I know she adored/adores me. She just

doesn't have the personal resources to show that in anything other than an

incredibly destructive way.

>

> I feel she deserves (as I think anyone deserves) to have a chance to be made

well and I know I would have to be a part of that. But do I want to go there?

She's in her 60s, she's had over a decade's treatment for post-traumatic stress

disorder, and she's a trained psychologist. I don't know that she'd even accept

a diagnosis (from a professional, not from me) let alone work towards helping

herself. Is anything going to make a difference to a woman who is so broken? I

don't know. I have loved every minute of the last 6 months and am finally

starting to slowly open the shutters and find out who I am when I am allowed to

be me. I'm finding for the first time in decades that I'm actually kind of ok.

Will seeing her again board me all up again? I don't know.

>

> Anyway, thanks for getting this far. I am so grateful to have found this forum

and have started reading through the posts. Always good to know you're not

alone.

>