I'm sad - just need to vent a little

May 27, 2011

I had an appointment with my T yesterday, and instead of feeling better, I feel

worse. All I could do was sit there and cry like a blubbering idiot. I feel like

such a failure at life.

I've been virtually NC with my nada since March, and totally NC for about a

month now. My T and I discussed the NC decision at length before I finally

decided to take the plunge. I still feel like it is the right decision for me

right now, and in some ways, I feel much stronger. Once the FOG cleared, I was

able to see things much more clearly and begin the long process of healing - so,

it has been a good thing, but it's so HARD. So many things are coming into the

light that I never realized before, and that reality, that TRUTH is so harsh. It

overwhelms me sometimes. Like the fact that growing up, I never had a real

family. Sure, from the outside we looked like a *real* family, but it was all a

facade. I've had to face the harsh reality that my BPD nada and my Avoidant PD

fada were not real parents. They did nothing to prepare me and my brother for

real LIFE. People who come from healthy families grow up learning the social

skills and coping mechanisms they need in order to become fully functional

healthy mature adults and live life on their own. We got NONE of that.

Everything I know now, I had to learn on my own as an adult through the school

of hard knocks. I made some very poor decisions in my early adult life that

resulted in me learning some very painful lessons. Sure, I *grew* from those

experiences, but I feel like all of that pain could have been avoided if my

parents had just been real parents and prepared me for life. Hell, up until just

6 months ago, I didn't even know what a freaking boundary was!

Last weekend, I had the chance to spend some time around my pastor's family.

They were celebrating the graduation of their youngest son from high school, and

they hosted a reception for him in their home. Just being around them and seeing

how they interacted with each other made me feel so good, but also so sad. It

makes me sad to see a healthy, loving family because it just reminds me of how

unhealthy and dysfunctional my own family was. It makes me sad to think about

all that I missed out on in life. If only I'd had a family like theirs, what

could I have been? What could I have accomplished? I feel robbed! There is

another harsh reality - I will never have that! I will never have a real mother

or father that I can go to for advice or for comfort when I fail. It's just

freaking NOT FAIR!!

It makes me sad to realize that I never had the chance to know the joy of

unconditional love until I was an adult with a family of my own. I'm trying

really hard not to focus on what I've lost, but focus on my REAL family - my

husband and daughter. Come to think of it though, you can't really lose what you

never had, can you? I apologize for the length of this post. I just had to get

it out. Think I'll go have myself a good cry now.

May 27, 2011

Oh how I can relate! It takes a lot of courage to go NC. Good for you in

taking care of yourself and also seeing T. I am just starting to put boundaries

down with my BP Nada and it has been really hard emotionally--harder than the

usual! As I read more about this disorder and work to protect myself, the

enormity of what BP is, is overwhelming, isn't it? It is really a miracle that

we survived childhood at all. I hope you had a good cry and be assured that

your grieving is for a good purpose. Just all part of the process. Hang in

there and take good care of yourself and your family. You are doing great.

>

> I had an appointment with my T yesterday, and instead of feeling better, I

feel worse. All I could do was sit there and cry like a blubbering idiot. I feel

like such a failure at life.

>

> I've been virtually NC with my nada since March, and totally NC for about a