what are the warning signs

[Guest guest]

Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar what

early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Hi Eliza,

I don't consider myself to have fully developed radar in distinguishing

destructive/toxic people, BUT I know this skill is developing in me; Several

times in the past year or so, I have picked out users/manipulators, etc. that

others were saying were such nice people, give them a chance, etc.

In each instance, my cues were physical, almost like I imagine it would be for

an animal being preyed on: the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, my chest

constricted, and my stomach tightened. I used to ignore these signs. Now, I

listen closely as though my body were having a conversation with me.

I don't immediately judge the person, but I do observe them very carefully.

And I definitely don't let my kids near them.

I totally hear you, though. My mother raised us to just believe and trust in

people in authority, absolutely no questions asked.

Even with people that I meet that I like, I force myself to slow down (I'm so

eager to make a potential friend that I ignore everything else) and test them

out. Test their reaction to my " no's, test their reaction to my opinions, etc.

That tells me a lot.

A good book that helped me some with this is " Safe People " by Townsend/Cloud.

fyi, they are Christians and do include quotations from the Bibe but for the

most part, they offer very practical advice.

Take good care,

Fiona

>

> Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

>

> So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar what

early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

Another good book that is all about teaching you to trust your own intuitive

(subconscious) perceptions aka your instincts about potential manipulators,

users or even dangerous people is " The Gift of Fear " by Gavin deBecker. (sp?)

Here's a link to an article by psychologist Dr. Carver about " how to tell if

you're dating a loser " aka someone with personality disorder; there are links at

that article for further reading about personality disorders. Although the

information in this article is geared toward someone in a chosen relationship, I

think the information is useful for us KOs RE our pd parents as well:

http://counsellingresource.com/lib/therapy/self-help/loser/

I think you're right and that our pd parents basically conditioned (brainwashed)

us over decades to ignore our own self-protective instincts and responses

because our parents *needed* us to be abjectly compliant and obedient, or

*needed* us to feel guilty and responsible for taking care of their needs and

feelings instead of our own.

My guess is that this is due to the personality-disordered parent considering

her child to be merely an object, a thing or possession for her use, not a

living human being with rights, needs or feelings. It was not in my nada's own

self-interest to teach me to become self-confident, to become an analytical,

independent thinker with the courage to stand up for myself.

The site Counseling Resources I linked to is chock-full of excellent info about

mental illnesses, AND it has a section were you can write questions to the

psychology staff and they'll answer (not immediately, but within a few days/a

week or so.)

-Annie

>

> Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

>

> So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar what

early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I wouldn't say I have great radar, but since being in T some things I look for

are...

1. Lack of reciprocity - they talk about themselves, but never ask about me, I

make an overture of friendship and they do not return it - that kind of thing.

2. TMI - too much information about everyone and everything. If they have no

clue that after knowing them for thirty minutes that their childhood horrors,

marital problems, medical issues, sex life, etc. is not suitable conversation, I

run for the hills.

3. Black and white comments about all topics - even those about which they

obviously know nothing - that leave no room for another persons point of view.

Adios!

Also, I think that the more you listen to your internal " knower " the clearer it

speaks to you. At first, I would really question myself - was I being too

judgmental? Too harsh? I may have been - but I decided to " indulge " that inner

voice for awhile and I found that I haven't regretted it AND it has gotten more

proficient.

> >

> > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

> >

> > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar

what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Fiona, interesting about those physical warning signs you get - I'm not sure

I get those, I get kind of disconnected from myself as the person keeps talking

and talking at me. I suspect that's how I get our of touch with the body

signals you talk about and that inner voice. Hmmm...maybe someone talking and

talking " at you " is a big clue right there, eh? Thanks for the book rec, it's

definitely time to read that one!

Stay safe,

Eliza

>

> Hi Eliza,

>

> I don't consider myself to have fully developed radar in distinguishing

destructive/toxic people, BUT I know this skill is developing in me; Several

times in the past year or so, I have picked out users/manipulators, etc. that

others were saying were such nice people, give them a chance, etc.

>

> In each instance, my cues were physical, almost like I imagine it would be for

an animal being preyed on: the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, my chest

constricted, and my stomach tightened. I used to ignore these signs. Now, I

listen closely as though my body were having a conversation with me.

>

> I don't immediately judge the person, but I do observe them very carefully.

And I definitely don't let my kids near them.

>

> I totally hear you, though. My mother raised us to just believe and trust in

people in authority, absolutely no questions asked.

>

> Even with people that I meet that I like, I force myself to slow down (I'm so

eager to make a potential friend that I ignore everything else) and test them

out. Test their reaction to my " no's, test their reaction to my opinions, etc.

That tells me a lot.

>

> A good book that helped me some with this is " Safe People " by Townsend/Cloud.

fyi, they are Christians and do include quotations from the Bibe but for the

most part, they offer very practical advice.

>

> Take good care,

>

> Fiona

>

[Guest guest]

I gotta rant. It really is a crime what they do to us. What you said here is

at the heart of it for me:

> I think you're right and that our pd parents basically conditioned

(brainwashed) us over decades to ignore our own self-protective instincts and

responses because our parents *needed* us to be abjectly compliant and obedient,

or *needed* us to feel guilty and responsible for taking care of their needs and

feelings instead of our own.

This brainwashing is tough to undo and sets us up to potentially be used by

other PD'd people in adult life. Even though I know the brainwashing is there

it still sneaks up on me especially when I feel compassion for someone. The

sociopath I dated one time operated that way - starting off with sob stories

about his former marriage. Thanks much for the links I will explore!

Eliza

> >

> > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

> >

> > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar

what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Kimber, I like those warning signs - definitely would have helped with the

last personality disordered person I got tangled up with. I'm used to people

oversharing with me - all my life everywhere I go it seems people come up out of

nowhere and start telling me things. (your signs 1 and 2) I used to think it was

because of some quality in me - I guess that I listen sympathetically and don't

run away - but it also says something about THEM. Why aren't they afraid of

overexposing themselves to a stranger -me? Maybe it's because they know they

aren't the one with anything to fear in that scenario.

I'm beginning to look at that in a different light now though...

Thanks,

Eliza

>

> I wouldn't say I have great radar, but since being in T some things I look for

are...

> 1. Lack of reciprocity - they talk about themselves, but never ask about me, I

make an overture of friendship and they do not return it - that kind of thing.

> 2. TMI - too much information about everyone and everything. If they have no

clue that after knowing them for thirty minutes that their childhood horrors,

marital problems, medical issues, sex life, etc. is not suitable conversation, I

run for the hills.

> 3. Black and white comments about all topics - even those about which they

obviously know nothing - that leave no room for another persons point of view.

Adios!

> Also, I think that the more you listen to your internal " knower " the clearer

it speaks to you. At first, I would really question myself - was I being too

judgmental? Too harsh? I may have been - but I decided to " indulge " that inner

voice for awhile and I found that I haven't regretted it AND it has gotten more

proficient.

>

[Guest guest]

yes! that is an excellent, excellent book. I liked that one a lot.

> >

> > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

> >

> > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar

what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

" Even though I know the brainwashing is there it still sneaks up on me

especially when I feel compassion for someone. The sociopath I dated one time

operated that way - starting off with sob stories about his former marriage. "

yeah, it's true, me too. I used to be the type that would fall for absolutely

any story.

Now I'm the opposite, I restrain myself and my compassion muscle is very flabby!

[Guest guest]

I am in the same boat as you, Eliza! This is something I have been and still am

struggling with. I'm getting better with noticing and staying away from the PD

people, but I seem to attract and then tolerate weirdos all the time. I realized

last week that there was one guy in particular who I couldn't stand being

around, but you would never be able to tell from how I interacted with him.

I think we are just so used to pushing our core self down for the benefit of our

nadas and fadas. Winnicot, an object relations therapist, identified our

" true self " and " false self " , and that children of nadas and fadas live their

childhood and sometimes their adult life as their false self, the self that is

there to please everyone else but you. We had to do it as children to survive;

it was a great coping mechanism to avoid more abuse. But now as adults, we

realize it doesn't work anymore. I feel like now, in my late 20s, I'm trying to

re-learn and teach myself this stuff, and basically revive my true self.

Anyway, just wanted to write and let you know you are not alone in feeling like

this. I think the tips others have posted are great. Hope they help.

Have a great weekend.

-Tess

>

> Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

>

> So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar what

early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

This applies to BPD families as well:

I learned from 12-step ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that growing up

in/surviving such a chaotic environment teaches us to be adaptable. This was a

good thing for us as kids--we knew when to run & hide, what to ignore, and how

to play the BPD parent to defuse the situation (as much as we could). We became

problem solvers in order to survive, we learned to 'triage' what really

mattered--even if it meant shutting down our feelings.

Being adaptable is a great Life Skills trait overall, but taken to extremes it

means we don't set boundaries easily--when faced with adversity we try to adapt

to it first, before considering the full implications of how difficult our lives

might become, or what we would have to give away.

We just need to STOP the automatic adapting, THINK the situation through, and

then decide whether we should adapt around it or treat it as a boundary issue.

This exercise gets easier with time and practice. But as with all these tools we

are learning, under stressful & chaotic situations, I find myself defaulting to

'adapt' mode again. I think this one is a life-long project!

[Guest guest]

Even though I know the brainwashing is there it still sneaks up on me especially

when I feel compassion for someone. The sociopath I dated one time operated

that way - starting off with sob stories about his former marriage.

I read somewhere--maybe in the Sociopath Next Door?--that one of the biggest

clues you may be dealing with AsPD is that they are always trying to get you to

feel sorry for them. It plays on your feelings of guilt and makes you want to

give them everything they demand.

[Guest guest]

Yes; the sob-story or helpless act was one of the tactics favored by Ted Bundy.

He'd approach a young woman of the type he preferred, this handsome young man

with a cast on one arm and a crutch and he'd ask for her help loading some item

or other into his VW, with an embarrassed, aw-shucks grin. When she'd bend down

to help him pick up the object, he'd club her hard on the back of the head with

the fake cast, pop her into his car and that would be the last any of her

friends or family would see of her.

So, yes, even without the psychopathic serial killer angle to deal with, its

just smart to learn to trust your gut and to use common sense when approached by

a stranger in an isolated area.

Another hard-to-resist tactic is when someone seems smitten with you, either

sexually or professionally, and gives you all their attention. Its very, very,

ego-flattering to have either a very attractive person or a very important or

respected person like a boss or someone you admire, tell you that you're

wonderful. Enjoy it! But do not let your guard down for a good long time.

Way too often, if its too good to be true, it IS too good to be true.

Just my two cents' worth.

-Annie

> Even though I know the brainwashing is there it still sneaks up on me

especially when I feel compassion for someone. The sociopath I dated one time

operated that way - starting off with sob stories about his former marriage.

>

> I read somewhere--maybe in the Sociopath Next Door?--that one of the biggest

clues you may be dealing with AsPD is that they are always trying to get you to

feel sorry for them. It plays on your feelings of guilt and makes you want to

give them everything they demand.

>

[Guest guest]

" Being adaptable is a great Life Skills trait overall, but taken to extremes it

means we don't set boundaries easily--when faced with adversity we try to adapt

to it first, before considering the full implications of how difficult our lives

might become, or what we would have to give away. "

Spot on, what a great description. I have never thought about it that way and

will try and make sure I am much more conscious of it. Thanks!

>

> This applies to BPD families as well:

>

> I learned from 12-step ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that growing up

in/surviving such a chaotic environment teaches us to be adaptable. This was a

good thing for us as kids--we knew when to run & hide, what to ignore, and how

to play the BPD parent to defuse the situation (as much as we could). We became

problem solvers in order to survive, we learned to 'triage' what really

mattered--even if it meant shutting down our feelings.

>

> Being adaptable is a great Life Skills trait overall, but taken to extremes it

means we don't set boundaries easily--when faced with adversity we try to adapt

to it first, before considering the full implications of how difficult our lives

might become, or what we would have to give away.

>

> We just need to STOP the automatic adapting, THINK the situation through, and

then decide whether we should adapt around it or treat it as a boundary issue.

>

> This exercise gets easier with time and practice. But as with all these tools

we are learning, under stressful & chaotic situations, I find myself defaulting

to 'adapt' mode again. I think this one is a life-long project!

>

[Guest guest]

That really speaks to me too - so many times in life I look at how I can change

= adapt rather than just reject the circumstances outright. With people it's an

issue but with jobs it has really cost me. I ended up working at a soul

destroying company six years longer than I should have because I kept trying to

change to make it work. Looks like eradicating those fleas is a BIG job.

Eliza

> >

> > This applies to BPD families as well:

> >

> > I learned from 12-step ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that growing up

in/surviving such a chaotic environment teaches us to be adaptable. This was a

good thing for us as kids--we knew when to run & hide, what to ignore, and how

to play the BPD parent to defuse the situation (as much as we could). We became

problem solvers in order to survive, we learned to 'triage' what really

mattered--even if it meant shutting down our feelings.

> >

> > Being adaptable is a great Life Skills trait overall, but taken to extremes

it means we don't set boundaries easily--when faced with adversity we try to

adapt to it first, before considering the full implications of how difficult our

lives might become, or what we would have to give away.

> >

> > We just need to STOP the automatic adapting, THINK the situation through,

and then decide whether we should adapt around it or treat it as a boundary

issue.

> >

> > This exercise gets easier with time and practice. But as with all these

tools we are learning, under stressful & chaotic situations, I find myself

defaulting to 'adapt' mode again. I think this one is a life-long project!

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the solidarity Tessa. One of my weirdo neighbors just caught me in

the parking lot today on some made up excuse to talk to me. I could write an

entire post about this guy but I'm sleepy so I'll save that for some other time.

I looked busy and escaped but yeah it just seems to go on and on. The false

self, true self thing makes a lot of sense. Have a great weekend also!

Eliza

>

> I am in the same boat as you, Eliza! This is something I have been and still

am struggling with. I'm getting better with noticing and staying away from the

PD people, but I seem to attract and then tolerate weirdos all the time. I

realized last week that there was one guy in particular who I couldn't stand

being around, but you would never be able to tell from how I interacted with

him.

>

> I think we are just so used to pushing our core self down for the benefit of

our nadas and fadas. Winnicot, an object relations therapist, identified

our " true self " and " false self " , and that children of nadas and fadas live

their childhood and sometimes their adult life as their false self, the self

that is there to please everyone else but you. We had to do it as children to

survive; it was a great coping mechanism to avoid more abuse. But now as adults,

we realize it doesn't work anymore. I feel like now, in my late 20s, I'm trying

to re-learn and teach myself this stuff, and basically revive my true self.

>

> Anyway, just wanted to write and let you know you are not alone in feeling

like this. I think the tips others have posted are great. Hope they help.

>

> Have a great weekend.

>

> -Tess

[Guest guest]

Fiona, this makes me think of the Buddhist idea of how wisdom and compassion

must go together. If we are compassionate without being wise we risk just being

taken advantage of and wasting our compassion. So maybe even muscle tone

between the two?

Eliza

>

> " Even though I know the brainwashing is there it still sneaks up on me

especially when I feel compassion for someone. The sociopath I dated one time

operated that way - starting off with sob stories about his former marriage. "

>

>

> yeah, it's true, me too. I used to be the type that would fall for absolutely

any story.

>

> Now I'm the opposite, I restrain myself and my compassion muscle is very

flabby!

>

[Guest guest]

>

> Fiona, this makes me think of the Buddhist idea of how wisdom and compassion

must go together. If we are compassionate without being wise we risk just being

taken advantage of and wasting our compassion. So maybe even muscle tone

between the two?

I am not Buddhist and have never heard this...I love it! Thanks for sharing.

It makes a lot of sense.

[Guest guest]

I might suggest another book , " Safe People " by Cloud and Townsend. It

does not deal so much with PD as with traits in people that make them

unsafe and a drain in your life.

The things that unsafe people do are not exclusive to PD s, but they ALL

practice some of them!

It will help to fine tune your " radar " .

Doug

> > >

> > > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of

people's behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to

back away, far away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just

turn off so many of my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm

really sick of letting these people into my life enough to cause me

distress before I have to kick them out.

> > >

> > > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder

radar what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get

Out Now?

> > >

> > > Eliza

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I think this is a good list. I'd add a bit more to #1 though.

Lack of reciprocity in the opposite direction is a red flag too.

If they keep asking personal questions of you but never give you

any personal information about themselves, that's often an

attempt to suck you in so that you can be abused.

In general, any time a relationship is extremely one-sided in

some fashion, that should be a call to take a closer look at

what's really happening.

I have some more to add

#4 - the relationship is moving too fast. It should take time to

go from meeting someone to being their best buddy or steady

partner. If you meet someone and right away they're suddenly

acting like you're their best friend or the love of their life,

something is probably wrong.

#5 - inappropriate showing of emotions - things like raging at

other drivers on the road over minor things, refusing to tip the

waitress because of some minor perceived slight, or acting like

you're abandoning them because you turn down an invitation when

you already have other plans scheduled.

#6 - stories about how former friends or relatives stopped

speaking to them for no reason. Many people have an instance or

two of that type of thing over the course of their life, but

most people don't have it happen regularly.

#7 - obvious lies or telling stories to others about things you

did together that don't match what you know happened.

At 02:08 PM 05/28/2011 kimberj103 wrote:

>I wouldn't say I have great radar, but since being in T some

>things I look for are...

>1. Lack of reciprocity - they talk about themselves, but never

>ask about me, I make an overture of friendship and they do not

>return it - that kind of thing.

>2. TMI - too much information about everyone and everything. If

>they have no clue that after knowing them for thirty minutes

>that their childhood horrors, marital problems, medical issues,

>sex life, etc. is not suitable conversation, I run for the

>hills.

>3. Black and white comments about all topics - even those about

>which they obviously know nothing - that leave no room for

>another persons point of view. Adios!

>Also, I think that the more you listen to your internal

> " knower " the clearer it speaks to you. At first, I would really

>question myself - was I being too judgmental? Too harsh? I may

>have been - but I decided to " indulge " that inner voice for

>awhile and I found that I haven't regretted it AND it has

>gotten more proficient.

--

Katrina

[Guest guest]

Yes, that is a fantastic book. It was eye-opening for me, that it's ok, and

necessary, to " test " people out.

thanks, Doug.

>

>

> I might suggest another book , " Safe People " by Cloud and Townsend. It

> does not deal so much with PD as with traits in people that make them

> unsafe and a drain in your life.

>

> The things that unsafe people do are not exclusive to PD s, but they ALL

> practice some of them!

>

> It will help to fine tune your " radar " .

>

>

>

> Doug

[Guest guest]

thank you. i needed to hear that.

>

> This applies to BPD families as well:

>

> I learned from 12-step ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) that growing up

in/surviving such a chaotic environment teaches us to be adaptable. This was a

good thing for us as kids--we knew when to run & hide, what to ignore, and how

to play the BPD parent to defuse the situation (as much as we could). We became

problem solvers in order to survive, we learned to 'triage' what really

mattered--even if it meant shutting down our feelings.

>

> Being adaptable is a great Life Skills trait overall, but taken to extremes it

means we don't set boundaries easily--when faced with adversity we try to adapt

to it first, before considering the full implications of how difficult our lives

might become, or what we would have to give away.

>

> We just need to STOP the automatic adapting, THINK the situation through, and

then decide whether we should adapt around it or treat it as a boundary issue.

>

> This exercise gets easier with time and practice. But as with all these tools

we are learning, under stressful & chaotic situations, I find myself defaulting

to 'adapt' mode again. I think this one is a life-long project!

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Annie, Doug, Girlscout Cowboy and others,

I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still very much alive and

growing. Starting that counseling today and have improved regarding my parents

tremendously. Thanks for the book recommendations. I have read " Safe People "

and " The Gift of Fear " as well as " How People Grow " and " Boundaries. " These

books have also helped me identify serious issues in my marriage (I know this

isn't the forum for that. :-)

I spent a lot of time here last Fall when I was out of classes for the semester.

What an amazing place of non-judgmental support and healing!!! THANK YOU all

for what you gave me by responding to my posts and giving me a hand up along the

journey. I will let you know how counseling goes.

Blessings and Peace to you all,

Coal Miner's Daughter

p.s. Anyone new on here - YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE! :-)

p.s. I have finished 5 of the songs for my tribute CD for adult children of BPD.

I am working on cleaning up the mess I've made of my life so I can get the

tracks laid down and send you each a copy.

> > > >

> > > > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of

> people's behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to

> back away, far away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just

> turn off so many of my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm

> really sick of letting these people into my life enough to cause me

> distress before I have to kick them out.

> > > >

> > > > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder

> radar what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get

> Out Now?

> > > >

> > > > Eliza

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

usually if I am sexually attracted to them, they are PD. I am trying to get it

more finely tuned than that, though.

>

> Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

>

> So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar what

early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for that suggestion, i love that title.

I know absolutely that it was my nada that conditioned me to attract violent

people who abused me in relationhips. My fada was/is hateful and abusive a large

portion of the time, and he singled me out and she took it upon herself to deny

his behavior and tell me it was my fault. She didn't want to be married to a man

who was abusive so her solution was to tell her children that it was their

imagination or their fault. We all attract abusers and PD people, and she has

suffered alot watching her grandchildren suffer at the hands of them. What ye

sew, so shall ye reap. But she loves to suffer so it's probably a bonus for her.

> >

> > Even after all the reading and therapy, I'm still too tolerant of people's

behaviors that would trip the alarm I think in other people to back away, far

away. I think it's growing up with my nada I had to just turn off so many of

my own natural reactions. Hindsight is 20/20 but I'm really sick of letting

these people into my life enough to cause me distress before I have to kick them

out.

> >

> > So I'm wondering for any of you who have good personality disorder radar

what early signs in just getting to know someone warn you to Get Out Now?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>