Guest guest Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. What would you do in this situation? Thanks! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 You will not get what you need from her. She doesn't think she is doing anything wrong, so why would she relent? If she's anything like my nada, she'll worry about your condition, calling you to scold you, yell at you for not taking better care of yourself. She'll use this new diagnosis to wedge further into your life, making her feel more important, and she'll justify it by saying you simply can't be trusted to take care of yourself. SHE has to be in charge, after all! And if you remind her you are a fully grown adult, she'll call you an immature ingrate who slaps at those that 'just want to help.' She'll be crying 'victim' while you try to avoid stress. As to the rest of your post, nadas particularly don't like those family members who call them on their BS! > > I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. > I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? > She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. > What would you do in this situation? > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 I think your gut instinct is correct: if you tell your nada the truth RE your heart condition, she will just usurp it as her own and then blame you for causing your own heart condition (which would then become her heart condition; she would commandeer it) which will cause you even more stress. Your nada is who she is: she is *not capable* of caring about you or your health. Those with severe Cluster B pds lack the capacity or quality of empathy: the ability to genuinely care about anyone else in a meaningful way. If you can accept that she is genuinely not capable of caring about your needs and feelings, or capable of changing, then you won't keep getting your gut punched by *expecting* her to care (or *hoping* that she will care) and getting hurt over and over again when... nope, she again shows you that she truly does not care. My suggestion is to not tell her, and to cut way, way back on the amount of exposure you allow yourself to the toxic stress she dumps on you. For example, you probably allowed yourself to listen to several long minutes' worth of her rage RE not being invited to the party, enough time to listen to her attack you and attack everyone else, and enough time to get your heart rate & blood pressure up. You don't have to do that. When she starts in on a rant or rage, you can say, " I'm sorry mom but I'm not feeling well, I have to go now. Talk to you later. 'bye. " Or if its a recorded phone message, just delete it. You don't even have to listen to it at all, you already know what the content will be. So my suggestion is to take that proactive step and gently but firmly do not just allow her to rage at you. I'm suggesting you take a baby step in the direction of becoming emotionally detached from her. However, you are the only one who knows what you can and can't handle, and what you can and can't live with. You have to decide what feels workable and right for you, as an individual. I'm so sorry you have this heart condition, but do what you doctor recommends, take care of yourself, and I hope that includes protecting yourself as best you can from further abuse by nada. -Annie > > I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. > I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? > She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. > What would you do in this situation? > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Lesson #4,084 I learned from my therapist: You are NOT obligated to tell your Nada ANYTHING! That one took 6 months to sink in... but I get it now. Would you tell a trusted friend about your heart condition? You bet. Would you tell a crazy woman who will twist, distort, dismiss it and thus, cause you more stress? Absolutely not. It would be bad for you. Just because she gave birth to you doesn't erase the fact that she's a crazy woman who will twist, distrot, dismiss and cause you more stress. Sucks but it's reality. That said, in your best interest, decide once and for all w here you're going to erect your boundaries (mental electric fence and vicious dogs) and get yourself in the mindset to flip the switch. It will seem stressful at first, yes... why? Because it goes against our programming to say HELL NO! But trust me (read my journey here if you need affirmation that it does indeed get better) you can do this... and your stress level will rapidly diminish as soon as you decide how much you're willing to tolerate from her before you set the fence ablaze and set out the dogs... You've given your Nada you're entire existence... are you really willing to hand her your death papers too? Probably not. You are worth more. Lynnette > > I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. > I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? > She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. > What would you do in this situation? > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 30, 2011 Report Share Posted May 30, 2011 Jocelyne, I think that any hope you have that your nada will relent at all if you tell her is a false hope. That's just not how nadas work. I don't believe that they're capable of putting someone else's needs above their own wants. Giving her any information about your health is likely to resemble giving her ammunition for a gun. She'll use it to hurt you in one way or another. I never mention anything health-related to my nada. For the most part, I never tell her anything that is personal. My health, my social life, my work, etc are just none of her business. If you want to reduce the amount of nada-induced stress in your life, I think you'll have to stop putting yourself in positions where she can cause stress for you. You can't control what she does, but you can control how you react to it and how much of it you'll put up with. Why did you listen to her raging last night? Just because she wants to rage doesn't mean you have to listen. If she calls on the phone and starts saying things that are stressful to you, you have the right to interupt her and tell her to stop, and if she won't stop, you have the right to hang up. At 02:13 PM 05/30/2011 Jocelyne wrote: >I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is >aggravated by stress. >I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who >is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might >relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make >it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own >medical problem? >She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her >when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my >son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is >the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her >finances for years and done so many things for her without a >word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my >daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he >stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one >wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been >invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What >a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! >She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him >(which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so >I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and >nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such > wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. >What would you do in this situation? >Thanks! -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted May 31, 2011 Report Share Posted May 31, 2011 Hi Jocelyne, First, you didn't go on long at all. And if you need to, that's fine. That's why we're all here. I've certainly gone on pretty long myself! I would not tell your mother. Just because, if she's like mine, I'm guessing she'll be calling you and " fretting, " and announcing your condition to everyone, and reporting back to you what they said, and reminding you how sick your condition is making HER. For your own sake, I would not say anything about it. Is there any reason that she needs to know? It sounds from what you shared that if anything, you may need to scale back contact with her. I mean, if your dr told you you had to move to a different climate for your health's sake, you would, right? Her outbursts at you are unacceptable. Can you assign someone stronger, like your husband, to deal with her? Best wishes; I'm very sorry about your heart condition and I wish you healing in every respect. Fiona > > I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. > I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? > She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. > What would you do in this situation? > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 1, 2011 Report Share Posted June 1, 2011 Thank you everyone for your advice.I feel stronger and more determined to conquer this problem. What a blessing this site has been.Again,thank you! > > I have now been diagnosed with a heart condition which is aggravated by stress. > I am now caught in a catch 22 situation : Do I tell my nada who is the direct cause of all my stress,in the hope that she might relent a little bit- or hide it from her, because she will make it all about her and probably blame me for causing my own medical problem? > She had another episode of rage last night. I did not call her when I got home from a dinner she was not invited to. It was my son in law's Birthday and she had told me she hates him.He is the most wonderful man I know ! He has taken care of her finances for years and done so many things for her without a word of thanks. But when she starts attacking his wife(my daughter) or his children(Her great grand children) or me-he stands up to her and it drives her nuts! So obviously, no one wanted her there, but according to her, she should have been invited and would have sat at the other end of the table. What a pleasant picture! what a lovely evening it would have been! She was raging that I had repeated to him that she hated him (which I did not) She has this way of turning things around so I am blamed for the repercussions of her vile behavior and nasty words. > Forgive me for going on for so long ,but I have found such wisdom, validation and understanding in this group. > What would you do in this situation? > Thanks! > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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