Getting ready to leave. How to deal with the nada/fadas?

May 30, 2011

I've been living at home for a while, and I'll be leaving to move to a new town

within the next week. Of course, things have gotten REALLY tense. I can't even

focus on what I need to do to get ready for the big move. Everything is about my

nada/fada, how I will entertain them, and how I will relieve their stresses of

me moving (I AM AN ADULT??!!!!). They insist on going through every little thing

I pack, when they do give me that time to " do things I need to do to get ready. "

Things are getting really stressful in dealing with them, of course, since their

abandonment fears are kicking in...they've started bringing up crap from my

childhood and asking why I made certain decisions I've made and bringing up

issues I thought they were over YEARS ago. Their newest issues is that my main

reason for moving away is to GET AWAY FROM THEM, not because I have a great job

offer. I haven't received a single congratulations or a " how can I help " from

them while I scramble around to get my stuff ready to move. It's all about

meeting THEIR NEEDS. UGH.

ANYWAY. Enough of my ramble. How have you all dealt with moving away from home,

permanently? I can imagine a lot of you had nada/fadas with huge spikes in mood

swings when this happened. What more should I expect, and most importantly, how

did you deal with it all!?

Another thing - - I'll be in the car with them for a good five hour drive to my

new place (really couldn't avoid this one)...what are good conversation topics,

ways to deal with the ride ESPECIALLY when it's on their minds that I'm " leaving

them " now?

May 30, 2011

Wow, I wish I had something brilliant to offer you, but, all I can say is just

to hang in there, because you are in count-down mode and it will all be over

very soon.

However if the stress is getting to the point that its interfering with your

sleep or digestion or your blood pressure (if the stress is making you sick)

then perhaps consider requesting a short course of anti-anxiety meds as a

band-aid to help you get through the next week without having an aneurism or

something.

Sometimes using the " deflecting " technique will work. The idea is to redirect

their attention on something else by saying things like " That reminds me of

(some other peripherally related and distracting topic). " If that fails, then

try just being direct: " I don't want to talk about that now, I'll talk about

that with you some other time " and repeat like a broken record each time. Or

deflect them by asking them questions about themselves, or maybe try sending

them on errands for you.

During the car trip, deflect the topics of conversation away from personal

issues and talk about general topics like films, TV, friends, abstract

philosophical discussions, etc.

If you look up the technique " Medium Chill " it describes a way to be emotionally

detached in a very neutral, non-threatening way when you have no choice but to

be in the presence of difficult, emotionally abusive pd people.

Hang in there. Keep the countdown going in your head.

And congratulations on your imminent escape!

-Annie

>

> I've been living at home for a while, and I'll be leaving to move to a new

town within the next week. Of course, things have gotten REALLY tense. I can't

even focus on what I need to do to get ready for the big move. Everything is

about my nada/fada, how I will entertain them, and how I will relieve their

stresses of me moving (I AM AN ADULT??!!!!). They insist on going through every

little thing I pack, when they do give me that time to " do things I need to do

to get ready. " Things are getting really stressful in dealing with them, of

course, since their abandonment fears are kicking in...they've started bringing

up crap from my childhood and asking why I made certain decisions I've made and

bringing up issues I thought they were over YEARS ago. Their newest issues is

that my main reason for moving away is to GET AWAY FROM THEM, not because I have

a great job offer. I haven't received a single congratulations or a " how can I

help " from them while I scramble around to get my stuff ready to move. It's all

about meeting THEIR NEEDS. UGH.

>

> ANYWAY. Enough of my ramble. How have you all dealt with moving away from

home, permanently? I can imagine a lot of you had nada/fadas with huge spikes in

mood swings when this happened. What more should I expect, and most importantly,

how did you deal with it all!?

>

> Another thing - - I'll be in the car with them for a good five hour drive to

my new place (really couldn't avoid this one)...what are good conversation

topics, ways to deal with the ride ESPECIALLY when it's on their minds that I'm

" leaving them " now?

>

May 31, 2011

Oh boy leaving home was a scary, happy, freeing experience. I drove cross

country with two good friends - actually they drove - when I was 18. We didn't

have much planned, other than we would end up in Southern California. We played

the same music over and over again in the car, that was about it. It was a

weird and wild time, but none of it involved my parents. Even at the then age of

18, I can't imagine my parents along for that ride. Having faced a completely

different situation, I think it depends on the relationship you have. Leaving

home and having them in the car is a little weird...my issue right now is I am

not performing for nada. That means, it's not my job to make my nada relax, to

ease her mind, to intervene in her disputes, etc....that's her responsibility.

p.s. Going through your packing kind of crosses the line, for me...unless you

asked for help. A boundary issue there.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Mon, May 30, 2011 4:55:04 PM

Subject: Getting ready to leave. How to deal with the

nada/fadas?