I think my mother has BPD :/

May 29, 2011

I am going to backtrack a bit so you can see where I am coming from. This Friday

at exactly 11am my mother started pounding on my bedroom door telling my to get

up immediately because according to her I was going to " look like an utter

embarrassment " if I did not. Nevermind that I had only gotten 5 hours of sleep

the night before because I was putting the last fondant decorations on a 60+

serving cake I had slaved over during 3 consecutive evenings for the event I was

going to. Nevermind that I already had my clothes and shoes picked out or that I

felt like I was coming down with the flu in the morning and took a double dose

of decongestant in hopes that I would feel well enough to go. I got up at

10:30AM then took my medicine and laid down to wait for it to take effect. I

knew I had to start getting ready at 11:30 but apparently that wasn't a good

enough answer for her. She started yelling at me, raving about how I was a

terrible daughter, that she was nobody to me etc. etc. I pleaded and pleaded

with her to stop until I finally screamed " SHUT UP! " . At this point I felt like

my head was going to explode! She couldn't wait a 1/2 hour? To me it seemed like

it was more about control and abuse of power than anything. NO consideration for

me whatsoever, I was being disobedient by begging her to let me rest for a *few*

more minutes. Anyone looking at that from the outside can see how sick it is. Oh

and when my father intervened and told her to stop getting on my case she told

him that it was all MY fault because I didn't go directly to bed after finishing

the cake. She forgot to mention that I also had to burn 3 CDs worth of music for

the party or that was so stressed out that I had to do a quick 15-20 workout in

order to wind down enough to sleep!

Contrary to her predictions I was NOT late to the event and was the best dressed

out of my immediate family. But of course she had to cut me down AGAIN by

stating that everything would have been satisfactory were it not for my shoes

being black instead of a very dark navy blue like my outfit. I thought, " Good

Lord, not THAT again... " . I told her that I HAVE been looking for navy shoes for

ages and have yet to find a pair that doesn't murder my feet (I have plantar

fasciitis btw) and then she snapped back, " Well, I didn't tell you get them

*immediately* now did I?!? " Then she asked me if I had taken my blue purse (that

not even my cellphone fits in) instead of my usual black one, I lied but only to

prevent her from criticizing me further. Today everything came to a head when we

ordered pizza and I accidentally bumped a pair of inexpensive reading glasses

she had left behind off the table. They broke and when we realized what had

happened hours later my mother said " Oh, that's a shame. I don't *think* anyone

did it on purpose because that would mean that they are evil. " Given that there

were only 2 people there guess who that little comment was directed at? That's

right: ME. She then broke eye contact and proceeded to stare at the TV screen

with what can only be described as a sneer on her face. I immediately told her

that I her snide remark was uncalled for, hurtful and deeply offensive given

that I had bought her those glasses in the FIRST PLACE. I had even repaired a

small crack in them the week before! She didn't feel bad at all, NO she

proceeded to yell at me and call me a bitch just for saying that. I told her

that if anything she was acting like one, not me. Then she started saying how

she wasn't appreciated again but then I brought up her antics during a recent

trip and she got all quiet one of a sudden...

We recently went to Vegas for 5 days and were having blast until she went

batshit on me the last night we were there. I got 2 for 1 tickets to a comedy

show because there was nothing else to do. So we went to the show, we were

seated and within the first 5 minutes she started bitching about how she hated

the place we were seated at. So I told her I'd have the usher seat us elsewhere,

no problem. She said it was 'OK' but then threw a tantrum when I turned to look

at a large group of people coming into the club while she was talking to me. She

claimed that I never listened to her and swore that she would walk out if I kept

it up. WTF? I lost my patience and told her that the only issue there was her

horrible attitude and that she was only looking for an excuse to leave because

she didn't want to go in the first place! I also told her that I tried to do a

good thing for her by organizing the whole damn trip but that I was not willing

to cater to her insecurities. Then I got up and left, she couldn't believe I

turned the tables on her! A few minutes later she walked up to me as I was

playing on a slot machine, sat close by and started playing herself. I got up

and when she asked me where I was going I told her I was going to go play

elsewhere. It was then that I decided that I was not going to let her ruin

things for me, so I walked back to the club and watched the comedy show by

myself. After it was over I walked back over to her and started playing again.

To make a long story short she lost and I won almost $200...talk about poetic

justice. That probably angered her even more, so she purposely kept the lights

on in the hotel room until like 2AM so I couldn't sleep and tried to pick

arguments with me. When we got back home I told my father, " I had NO idea she

was like that... " then he told me " I told you so. Why do you think we don't

travel together that often? " .

So what do you guys think? Am I wrong to believe that she has some MAJOR issues?

May 30, 2011

1) I think she does have some major issues....control, perhaps a bit of

narccicism, and mental illness of some sort. Yes, I'm thinking BPD from your

story. May I say this? What a bitch...

2) it sounds like your dad's aware of your mom's " issues. " Hopefully he can

be of support to you as you work to establish boundaries with your mom.

3) If you haven't yet, read Stop Walking on Eggshells

4) Try to move out! You'll be able to better heal with some personal space.

5) We're here for you. (((hugs)))

>

> I am going to backtrack a bit so you can see where I am coming from. This

> Friday at exactly 11am my mother started pounding on my bedroom door telling

> my to get up immediately because according to her I was going to " look like

> an utter embarrassment " if I did not. Nevermind that I had only gotten 5

> hours of sleep the night before because I was putting the last fondant

> decorations on a 60+ serving cake I had slaved over during 3 consecutive

> evenings for the event I was going to. Nevermind that I already had my

> clothes and shoes picked out or that I felt like I was coming down with the

> flu in the morning and took a double dose of decongestant in hopes that I

> would feel well enough to go. I got up at 10:30AM then took my medicine and

> laid down to wait for it to take effect. I knew I had to start getting ready

> at 11:30 but apparently that wasn't a good enough answer for her. She

> started yelling at me, raving about how I was a terrible daughter, that she

> was nobody to me etc. etc. I pleaded and pleaded with her to stop until I

> finally screamed " SHUT UP! " . At this point I felt like my head was going to

> explode! She couldn't wait a 1/2 hour? To me it seemed like it was more

> about control and abuse of power than anything. NO consideration for me

> whatsoever, I was being disobedient by begging her to let me rest for a

> *few* more minutes. Anyone looking at that from the outside can see how sick

> it is. Oh and when my father intervened and told her to stop getting on my

> case she told him that it was all MY fault because I didn't go directly to

> bed after finishing the cake. She forgot to mention that I also had to burn

> 3 CDs worth of music for the party or that was so stressed out that I had to

> do a quick 15-20 workout in order to wind down enough to sleep!

>

> Contrary to her predictions I was NOT late to the event and was the best

> dressed out of my immediate family. But of course she had to cut me down

> AGAIN by stating that everything would have been satisfactory were it not

> for my shoes being black instead of a very dark navy blue like my outfit. I

> thought, " Good Lord, not THAT again... " . I told her that I HAVE been looking

> for navy shoes for ages and have yet to find a pair that doesn't murder my

> feet (I have plantar fasciitis btw) and then she snapped back, " Well, I

> didn't tell you get them *immediately* now did I?!? " Then she asked me if I

> had taken my blue purse (that not even my cellphone fits in) instead of my

> usual black one, I lied but only to prevent her from criticizing me further.

> Today everything came to a head when we ordered pizza and I accidentally

> bumped a pair of inexpensive reading glasses she had left behind off the

> table. They broke and when we realized what had happened hours later my

> mother said " Oh, that's a shame. I don't *think* anyone did it on purpose

> because that would mean that they are evil. " Given that there were only 2

> people there guess who that little comment was directed at? That's right:

> ME. She then broke eye contact and proceeded to stare at the TV screen with

> what can only be described as a sneer on her face. I immediately told her

> that I her snide remark was uncalled for, hurtful and deeply offensive given

> that I had bought her those glasses in the FIRST PLACE. I had even repaired

> a small crack in them the week before! She didn't feel bad at all, NO she

> proceeded to yell at me and call me a bitch just for saying that. I told her

> that if anything she was acting like one, not me. Then she started saying

> how she wasn't appreciated again but then I brought up her antics during a

> recent trip and she got all quiet one of a sudden...

>

> We recently went to Vegas for 5 days and were having blast until she went

> batshit on me the last night we were there. I got 2 for 1 tickets to a

> comedy show because there was nothing else to do. So we went to the show, we

> were seated and within the first 5 minutes she started bitching about how

> she hated the place we were seated at. So I told her I'd have the usher seat

> us elsewhere, no problem. She said it was 'OK' but then threw a tantrum when

> I turned to look at a large group of people coming into the club while she

> was talking to me. She claimed that I never listened to her and swore that

> she would walk out if I kept it up. WTF? I lost my patience and told her

> that the only issue there was her horrible attitude and that she was only

> looking for an excuse to leave because she didn't want to go in the first

> place! I also told her that I tried to do a good thing for her by organizing

> the whole damn trip but that I was not willing to cater to her insecurities.

> Then I got up and left, she couldn't believe I turned the tables on her! A

> few minutes later she walked up to me as I was playing on a slot machine,

> sat close by and started playing herself. I got up and when she asked me

> where I was going I told her I was going to go play elsewhere. It was then

> that I decided that I was not going to let her ruin things for me, so I

> walked back to the club and watched the comedy show by myself. After it was

> over I walked back over to her and started playing again. To make a long

> story short she lost and I won almost $200...talk about poetic justice. That

> probably angered her even more, so she purposely kept the lights on in the

> hotel room until like 2AM so I couldn't sleep and tried to pick arguments

> with me. When we got back home I told my father, " I had NO idea she was like

> that... " then he told me " I told you so. Why do you think we don't travel

> together that often? " .

>

> So what do you guys think? Am I wrong to believe that she has some MAJOR

> issues?

>

May 30, 2011

Welcome to the Group.

The behaviors you describe in your mother could be due to bpd, but could

possibly be due to other mental disorders as well. We're not really qualified

to diagnose here; we're just fellow adult kids of abusive parents. Most of the

members here have parents who have not been formally diagnosed, though.

The important thing is to realize that you can't control how your parents treat

you, but you can control how you respond to being emotionally abused by them.

The problem in your case, seems to me, is that its kind of a worse-case scenario

to live with a personality-disordered, emotionally abusive parent; that makes it

nearly impossible to set and maintain reasonable physical and emotional

boundaries with them.

Living together tends to make the adult child and the pd parents overly-enmeshed

with each other and possibly co-dependent with each other. It tends to keep the

adult child in stasis and it tends to encourage the pd parents to feel

justified/entitled to continue to treat their adult child like a dependent

minor. Its just not a very healthy arrangement, in my opinion.

So in my opinion you have the best chance of setting and maintaining reasonable

boundaries with your parents when you become self-supporting and can relocate to

a place of your own.

But each of us has to figure out what we can tolerate, and what we can't

tolerate, and what is doable in our own case. Its a very individual choice as

each person's situation and history are different.

Knowledge is power, though, in any case. The more you can read up about pds,

and educate yourself RE how to set and maintain reasonable boundaries, then that

will help you figure out what will work for you. There is a reading list link

at the home site for WTO Groups. " Understanding The Borderline Mother " and

" Surviving A Borderline Parent " are good, as are Randi Kreger's books.

-Annie

>

> I am going to backtrack a bit so you can see where I am coming from. This

Friday at exactly 11am my mother started pounding on my bedroom door telling my

to get up immediately because according to her I was going to " look like an

utter embarrassment " if I did not. Nevermind that I had only gotten 5 hours of

sleep the night before because I was putting the last fondant decorations on a

60+ serving cake I had slaved over during 3 consecutive evenings for the event I

was going to. Nevermind that I already had my clothes and shoes picked out or

that I felt like I was coming down with the flu in the morning and took a double

dose of decongestant in hopes that I would feel well enough to go. I got up at