Doozy of a weekend

May 31, 2011

Last year on Memorial Day weekend, I was shut down by my father and his wife

(who I'm now fairly certain has BPD-perhaps this is who he is attracted to?) in

trying to visit with my father just dad-daughter style. She got incredibly

insecure/jealous and told him she would leave him. This was a huge blow and I

spent the entire weekend crying. Supportive partner was out of town on tour

with his band.

I know that our cells remember trauma, and maybe this is why I was feeling down

this weekend. I'm also fighting to finish the end of this term of grad school

while others were out having fun. We call this the FOMO - fear of missing out.

However, my father took it upon himself to hint that he and his wife would not

be attending our wedding this summer. First it was because she wasn't invited

(foolishly didn't put her name on the email save the date I sent to him). Then

it was because she doesn't feel comfortable around my friends and doesn't want

to deal with my mom's BPD behavior (talk about clash of the titans between those

2). I told him we wanted her at our wedding and that she could bring someone if

it would make her feel more comfortable. It felt like I was begging him to be

at his only child's wedding. Not 10 minutes after the final email, nada emails

to complain that I haven't taken her calls for the last several months. My

heart just sank looking at the BS in my inbox.

I have been avoiding her calls, but communicating minimally via email. I did

invite her to the wedding and politely refused her offer to help me with

anything.

And to make matters worse, I took it out on my partner later when he decided to

hang out with friends late rather than go grocery shopping with me. I really

don't think it was about him.

Didn't sleep well at all. Really, just had to put this out there. The battle

about the wedding is far from over, but I can only do so much. We're committed

to making it the best celebration of joining of families that we can, with or

without the support of my less than parents.

Thanks for listening.

May 31, 2011

Weddings bring out the very worst. Funerals can too. So can births. I'd

focus on what you 2 want. And I'd consider eloping Good luck!!!!

On Tue, May 31, 2011 at 10:43 AM, yenimaria007 wrote:

>

> Last year on Memorial Day weekend, I was shut down by my father and his

> wife (who I'm now fairly certain has BPD-perhaps this is who he is attracted

> to?) in trying to visit with my father just dad-daughter style. She got

> incredibly insecure/jealous and told him she would leave him. This was a

> huge blow and I spent the entire weekend crying. Supportive partner was out

> of town on tour with his band.

>

> I know that our cells remember trauma, and maybe this is why I was feeling

> down this weekend. I'm also fighting to finish the end of this term of grad

> school while others were out having fun. We call this the FOMO - fear of

> missing out.

>

> However, my father took it upon himself to hint that he and his wife would

> not be attending our wedding this summer. First it was because she wasn't

> invited (foolishly didn't put her name on the email save the date I sent to

> him). Then it was because she doesn't feel comfortable around my friends and

> doesn't want to deal with my mom's BPD behavior (talk about clash of the

> titans between those 2). I told him we wanted her at our wedding and that

> she could bring someone if it would make her feel more comfortable. It felt

> like I was begging him to be at his only child's wedding. Not 10 minutes

> after the final email, nada emails to complain that I haven't taken her

> calls for the last several months. My heart just sank looking at the BS in

> my inbox.

>

> I have been avoiding her calls, but communicating minimally via email. I

> did invite her to the wedding and politely refused her offer to help me with

> anything.

>

> And to make matters worse, I took it out on my partner later when he

> decided to hang out with friends late rather than go grocery shopping with

> me. I really don't think it was about him.

>

> Didn't sleep well at all. Really, just had to put this out there. The

> battle about the wedding is far from over, but I can only do so much. We're

> committed to making it the best celebration of joining of families that we

> can, with or without the support of my less than parents.

>

> Thanks for listening.

>

June 1, 2011

Seriously, an elopement sounds lovely.

I always say to my husband that if I could, I would change everything about our

wedding, except the groom. My parents brought their lunacy to it. I felt like a

very, very tight rubber band, unable to relax until it was all over.

Maybe it's for the best that your father and his wife aren't there... esp if his

wife may possibly turn it into a drama.

Take care of yourself!

Fiona

>

> >

> > Last year on Memorial Day weekend, I was shut down by my father and his

> > wife (who I'm now fairly certain has BPD-perhaps this is who he is attracted

> > to?) in trying to visit with my father just dad-daughter style. She got

> > incredibly insecure/jealous and told him she would leave him. This was a

> > huge blow and I spent the entire weekend crying. Supportive partner was out

> > of town on tour with his band.

> >

> > I know that our cells remember trauma, and maybe this is why I was feeling

> > down this weekend. I'm also fighting to finish the end of this term of grad

> > school while others were out having fun. We call this the FOMO - fear of

> > missing out.

> >

> > However, my father took it upon himself to hint that he and his wife would

> > not be attending our wedding this summer. First it was because she wasn't

> > invited (foolishly didn't put her name on the email save the date I sent to

> > him). Then it was because she doesn't feel comfortable around my friends and

> > doesn't want to deal with my mom's BPD behavior (talk about clash of the

> > titans between those 2). I told him we wanted her at our wedding and that

> > she could bring someone if it would make her feel more comfortable. It felt

> > like I was begging him to be at his only child's wedding. Not 10 minutes

> > after the final email, nada emails to complain that I haven't taken her

> > calls for the last several months. My heart just sank looking at the BS in

> > my inbox.

> >

> > I have been avoiding her calls, but communicating minimally via email. I

> > did invite her to the wedding and politely refused her offer to help me with

> > anything.

> >

> > And to make matters worse, I took it out on my partner later when he

> > decided to hang out with friends late rather than go grocery shopping with

> > me. I really don't think it was about him.

> >

> > Didn't sleep well at all. Really, just had to put this out there. The

> > battle about the wedding is far from over, but I can only do so much. We're

> > committed to making it the best celebration of joining of families that we

> > can, with or without the support of my less than parents.

> >

> > Thanks for listening.

> >

>

June 1, 2011

Your wedding should be about the 2 of you, not your parents. From the sounds of

it, your mom & step mom will never possess the tools to be able to come together

amicably.

You are probably right in surmising that your father chooses BPD women. And he

sounds like my father in a way: acts like family is of the utmost importance to

him, but when nada puts her foot down he won't come to weddings, births,

parties, etc., if she starts making a stink. You can't fix him either--and when

he abandons you it hurts like hell. But he won't stop doing it.

So, make your wedding about you and your partner--that is your true family. Try

to let go of having any expectations for your FOO. Tell them the date, the time

and dress code and let them either attend or not.

Hopefully, you are marrying someone with healthy parents, and instead hoping

your families can merge, maybe your in-laws will adopt you into their clan!

>

> Last year on Memorial Day weekend, I was shut down by my father and his wife

(who I'm now fairly certain has BPD-perhaps this is who he is attracted to?) in

trying to visit with my father just dad-daughter style. She got incredibly

insecure/jealous and told him she would leave him. This was a huge blow and I

spent the entire weekend crying. Supportive partner was out of town on tour

with his band.

>

> I know that our cells remember trauma, and maybe this is why I was feeling

down this weekend. I'm also fighting to finish the end of this term of grad

school while others were out having fun. We call this the FOMO - fear of

missing out.

>

> However, my father took it upon himself to hint that he and his wife would not