How to Keep Nada/Fada from interferring in personal/romantic relationships?

[Guest guest]

My significant other and I have been together for about 7 years. My nada,

surprisingly, likes him very much... perhaps too much? She is completely

comfortable asking him to convince me to do things my nada would like me to do

or chastising me in front of him. This concerns me only in the sense that I feel

as if her bpd is now affecting our relationship. (I'm starting to feel as if my

significant other is too diplomatic with her, doesn't stand up for me enough,

etc.) Ideally, I would like it if I could find a way to enforce some boundaries

without putting my s.o. in the middle. I want her to know it's not ok to abuse

me in front of him, otherwise she will obviously think he condones/supports her

behavior towards me. Any sugguestions?

[Guest guest]

Talk to your SO and come up with a plan. Maybe you could both agree that when

she asks him to ask you to do something he says, " You'll have to ask her

yourself, " over and over, which will likely be necessary since I'm inferring

that's worked in the past.

As for when she gets out of line, I have found treating my PD parents like a dog

works best - a dog of which I am moderately fond. If the dog (of which you are

moderately fond) chews the furniture, you don't write the dog a letter. You

don't sit the dog down for a heart to heart. You don't invite the dog to therapy

session or explain your reasons. You shut the dog away from the furniture you

dot want chewed or live with crappy furniture and let the dog gnaw to its

heart's content. As a human, you have one more choice that the furniture doesn't

have: leave. Don't explain, don't make a face, don't apologize or bargain -

LEAVE. Just make an excuse (Well, time for my enema! Oops, forgot to turn off

the lawnmower!) and flee. If she's in your house, I would suggest you rearrange

your visit protocol at least for awhile so that it's on your turf or in a public

place and always provide your own transport. It may take awhile since you've

allowed her to establish this pattern, but after several times of her starting

her crap and you suddenly leaving (Darn! Forgot I'd promised my neighbor I'd

trim his nose hairs!) she will change her behavior. And just like the dog, she

won't know why ...but does it matter?!?

>

> My significant other and I have been together for about 7 years. My nada,

surprisingly, likes him very much... perhaps too much? She is completely

comfortable asking him to convince me to do things my nada would like me to do

or chastising me in front of him. This concerns me only in the sense that I feel

as if her bpd is now affecting our relationship. (I'm starting to feel as if my

significant other is too diplomatic with her, doesn't stand up for me enough,

etc.) Ideally, I would like it if I could find a way to enforce some boundaries

without putting my s.o. in the middle. I want her to know it's not ok to abuse

me in front of him, otherwise she will obviously think he condones/supports her

behavior towards me. Any sugguestions?

>

[Guest guest]

TIme for my enema plus my lawnmower is running HA HA HA HA I love it. I " m

going to embroider this on a pillow.

>

>

> Talk to your SO and come up with a plan. Maybe you could both agree that

> when she asks him to ask you to do something he says, " You'll have to ask

> her yourself, " over and over, which will likely be necessary since I'm

> inferring that's worked in the past.

>

> As for when she gets out of line, I have found treating my PD parents like

> a dog works best - a dog of which I am moderately fond. If the dog (of which

> you are moderately fond) chews the furniture, you don't write the dog a

> letter. You don't sit the dog down for a heart to heart. You don't invite

> the dog to therapy session or explain your reasons. You shut the dog away

> from the furniture you dot want chewed or live with crappy furniture and let

> the dog gnaw to its heart's content. As a human, you have one more choice

> that the furniture doesn't have: leave. Don't explain, don't make a face,

> don't apologize or bargain - LEAVE. Just make an excuse (Well, time for my

> enema! Oops, forgot to turn off the lawnmower!) and flee. If she's in your

> house, I would suggest you rearrange your visit protocol at least for awhile

> so that it's on your turf or in a public place and always provide your own

> transport. It may take awhile since you've allowed her to establish this

> pattern, but after several times of her starting her crap and you suddenly

> leaving (Darn! Forgot I'd promised my neighbor I'd trim his nose hairs!) she

> will change her behavior. And just like the dog, she won't know why ...but

> does it matter?!?

>

>

>

> >

> > My significant other and I have been together for about 7 years. My nada,

> surprisingly, likes him very much... perhaps too much? She is completely

> comfortable asking him to convince me to do things my nada would like me to

> do or chastising me in front of him. This concerns me only in the sense that

> I feel as if her bpd is now affecting our relationship. (I'm starting to

> feel as if my significant other is too diplomatic with her, doesn't stand up

> for me enough, etc.) Ideally, I would like it if I could find a way to

> enforce some boundaries without putting my s.o. in the middle. I want her to

> know it's not ok to abuse me in front of him, otherwise she will obviously

> think he condones/supports her behavior towards me. Any sugguestions?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I agree with these strategies (just excuse yourself and leave) except that I

myself find that its much easier for me to leave a public place or another

person's home, than to get someone to leave my home.

So, my suggestion is to only meet with your mother at her home, at a relative's

home or in public so that when she starts acting disrespectfully to you,

chastising you, and otherwise shaming and embarrassing you, you can easily and

quickly just exit.

Your own home should be your sanctuary, your safe place; its awkward and

difficult to eject someone particularly if they refuse to leave, and you don't

want to drive off and leave her in your house, she might still be there when you

come back!

-Annie

> >

> > My significant other and I have been together for about 7 years. My nada,

surprisingly, likes him very much... perhaps too much? She is completely

comfortable asking him to convince me to do things my nada would like me to do

or chastising me in front of him. This concerns me only in the sense that I feel

as if her bpd is now affecting our relationship. (I'm starting to feel as if my

significant other is too diplomatic with her, doesn't stand up for me enough,

etc.) Ideally, I would like it if I could find a way to enforce some boundaries

without putting my s.o. in the middle. I want her to know it's not ok to abuse

me in front of him, otherwise she will obviously think he condones/supports her

behavior towards me. Any sugguestions?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Talking about dogs and BP s got me giggling and my irreverant side came

out. You know how they have therapy dogs? How about we train a special

kind of Eggshell dog. Anytime a BP is around and starts some of thier

BP nonsense, the dog would be trained to alert, bark so loud we can t

hear them, then come and nuzzle us for comfort.

Doug

> >

> > My significant other and I have been together for about 7 years. My

nada, surprisingly, likes him very much... perhaps too much? She is

completely comfortable asking him to convince me to do things my nada

would like me to do or chastising me in front of him. This concerns me

only in the sense that I feel as if her bpd is now affecting our

relationship. (I'm starting to feel as if my significant other is too

diplomatic with her, doesn't stand up for me enough, etc.) Ideally, I

would like it if I could find a way to enforce some boundaries without

putting my s.o. in the middle. I want her to know it's not ok to abuse

me in front of him, otherwise she will obviously think he

condones/supports her behavior towards me. Any sugguestions?

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Kimberj, this is such great advice. I'm going to keep the dog analogy in mind!

, I agree that the place to start is with your SO. I love Kimberj's

advice to have him say the same thing over and over to your mother...mostly b/c

it will irritate your mother and get her off his back.

>

> Talk to your SO and come up with a plan. Maybe you could both agree that when

she asks him to ask you to do something he says, " You'll have to ask her

yourself, " over and over, which will likely be necessary since I'm inferring

that's worked in the past.

>

> As for when she gets out of line, I have found treating my PD parents like a

dog works best - a dog of which I am moderately fond. If the dog (of which you

are moderately fond) chews the furniture, you don't write the dog a letter. You

don't sit the dog down for a heart to heart. You don't invite the dog to therapy

session or explain your reasons. You shut the dog away from the furniture you

dot want chewed or live with crappy furniture and let the dog gnaw to its

heart's content. As a human, you have one more choice that the furniture doesn't

have: leave. Don't explain, don't make a face, don't apologize or bargain -

LEAVE. Just make an excuse (Well, time for my enema! Oops, forgot to turn off

the lawnmower!) and flee. If she's in your house, I would suggest you rearrange

your visit protocol at least for awhile so that it's on your turf or in a public

place and always provide your own transport. It may take awhile since you've

allowed her to establish this pattern, but after several times of her starting

her crap and you suddenly leaving (Darn! Forgot I'd promised my neighbor I'd

trim his nose hairs!) she will change her behavior. And just like the dog, she

won't know why ...but does it matter?!?

>

[Guest guest]

Doug, I want the dog to bite her and then run and leap into my arms like i

am a hero. Can you work on that? Maybe the dog could hold her down for a

while while she squirms and screams.

>

>

> Kimberj, this is such great advice. I'm going to keep the dog analogy in

> mind!

>

> , I agree that the place to start is with your SO. I love

> Kimberj's advice to have him say the same thing over and over to your

> mother...mostly b/c it will irritate your mother and get her off his back.

>

>

>

> >

> > Talk to your SO and come up with a plan. Maybe you could both agree that

> when she asks him to ask you to do something he says, " You'll have to ask

> her yourself, " over and over, which will likely be necessary since I'm

> inferring that's worked in the past.

> >

> > As for when she gets out of line, I have found treating my PD parents

> like a dog works best - a dog of which I am moderately fond. If the dog (of

> which you are moderately fond) chews the furniture, you don't write the dog

> a letter. You don't sit the dog down for a heart to heart. You don't invite

> the dog to therapy session or explain your reasons. You shut the dog away

> from the furniture you dot want chewed or live with crappy furniture and let

> the dog gnaw to its heart's content. As a human, you have one more choice

> that the furniture doesn't have: leave. Don't explain, don't make a face,

> don't apologize or bargain - LEAVE. Just make an excuse (Well, time for my

> enema! Oops, forgot to turn off the lawnmower!) and flee. If she's in your

> house, I would suggest you rearrange your visit protocol at least for awhile

> so that it's on your turf or in a public place and always provide your own

> transport. It may take awhile since you've allowed her to establish this

> pattern, but after several times of her starting her crap and you suddenly

> leaving (Darn! Forgot I'd promised my neighbor I'd trim his nose hairs!) she

> will change her behavior. And just like the dog, she won't know why ...but

> does it matter?!?

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is sooooo not where I thought you were going with that. Giggling myself as

a visualize a nada-catchin' attack dog.

> Talking about dogs and BP s got me giggling and my irreverant side came

> out. You know how they have therapy dogs? How about we train a special

> kind of Eggshell dog. Anytime a BP is around and starts some of thier

> BP nonsense, the dog would be trained to alert, bark so loud we can t

> hear them, then come and nuzzle us for comfort.

>

>

>

> Doug

[Guest guest]

OMG we could make millions by training dogs to detect personality disorders

and then detain the BPD while the authorities bring the loony wagon around

to collect them. Sort of like a police dog. But we better include ear plugs

with purchase because I can only imagine the ragine and WHINING that will be

coming from those nadas while our dogs stand on their chests.

>

>

> That is sooooo not where I thought you were going with that. Giggling

> myself as a visualize a nada-catchin' attack dog.

>

>

>

>

>

>

> > Talking about dogs and BP s got me giggling and my irreverant side came

> > out. You know how they have therapy dogs? How about we train a special

> > kind of Eggshell dog. Anytime a BP is around and starts some of thier

> > BP nonsense, the dog would be trained to alert, bark so loud we can t

> > hear them, then come and nuzzle us for comfort.

> >

> >

> >

> > Doug

>

>