Bruddah situation...advice needed

[Guest guest]

So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now. Normally

I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll please.

Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably also

BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring to

the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years ago.

Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out on the

house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no money to

hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high BP (over

300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been able to

work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled to even

think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't *have* to

work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been foreclosed on

and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction will happen

on the 7th.

A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or

any of my posts.

Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

" Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart liberal...but

your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe it's set for

auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on her. "

*sigh*

Whatever can one say??

I FEEL like writing this:

I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never a

good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save for

three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I know

you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their money is

for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end of her

life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you down

all over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement?

Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way

through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about

you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal

bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up

your relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at

you over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple

all this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

: No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our mother

is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the

behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into

treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked.

But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember

all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and

fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY

FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know

where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

No, it is not.

I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got treated

a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a lot of

pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as, by the

way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to enable the

behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about it. If a

rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about it. But you

can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in the cage and

get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that I've

done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole lot

easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here, and

I'm not coming any closer.

Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply no

way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever do

come into any money, I will send some.

Love,

Your sister.

******

I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm completely at

a loss, here.

Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

--.

[Guest guest]

Oh, please don't send that letter! Letters seem to never end well! He would

probably show it to your mother and then the poop would really hit the fan. How

about, " Thank you for letting me know. I'll get in touch if I find myself in a

position to help. " The End. It sounds to me like he is baiting you. He doesn't

want a discussion - he wants a fight and/or capitulation. That short little

reply gives him neither and will leave his panties in a major wad, which you

might find rather fun. It also says, " Piss off! " with a smile. Then just

don't read his crap/take his calls/engage on FB. He sounds as bad as your mother

and you might be better off steering clear of HIS cage, too!

>

> So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now.

Normally I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll

please.

>

> Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably

also BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring

to the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years

ago. Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out

on the house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no

money to hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high

BP (over 300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been

able to work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled

to even think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't

*have* to work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been

foreclosed on and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction

will happen on the 7th.

>

> A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or

any of my posts.

>

> Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

>

> " Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart liberal...but

your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe it's set for

auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on her. "

>

> *sigh*

>

> Whatever can one say??

>

> I FEEL like writing this:

>

> I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never a

good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

>

> If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save for

three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I know

you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their money is

for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end of her

life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

>

> The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

>

> Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you down

all over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement?

Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way

through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about

you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal

bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up

your relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at

you over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple

all this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

>

> : No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our mother

is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the

behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into

treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked.

But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember

all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and

fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY

FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know

where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

>

> No, it is not.

>

> I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got

treated a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

>

> I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a lot

of pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as, by

the way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to enable

the behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about it.

If a rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about it.

But you can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in the

cage and get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

>

> The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that I've

done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole lot

easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here, and

I'm not coming any closer.

>

> Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply no

way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever do

come into any money, I will send some.

>

> Love,

>

> Your sister.

>

> ******

>

> I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm completely

at a loss, here.

>

> Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

Have you had a relationship with him in recent year? I got similar messages

from my estranged brother's new wife last summer. I called the cops.

However, I hadn't ever met the new wife and I had also not spoken to my

brother in about 8.5 years at that time. So, if I were you, and had any kind

of relationship with bada, I would either ignore it or tell him not to

contact you again. If he violates that, then you can call the cops.

Once you have blocked him he should not be able to contact you again, see

your name, see your wall or send you a message. So maybe you blocked him in

a less secure way. Let me know if you need instructions on blocking.

Also, she is an adult and payiing her mortgage is her job, not yours - she

made the mess and its not your problem.

Sorry that happened.

>

>

>

> Oh, please don't send that letter! Letters seem to never end well! He would

> probably show it to your mother and then the poop would really hit the fan.

> How about, " Thank you for letting me know. I'll get in touch if I find

> myself in a position to help. " The End. It sounds to me like he is baiting

> you. He doesn't want a discussion - he wants a fight and/or capitulation.

> That short little reply gives him neither and will leave his panties in a

> major wad, which you might find rather fun. It also says, " Piss off! "

> with a smile. Then just don't read his crap/take his calls/engage on FB. He

> sounds as bad as your mother and you might be better off steering clear of

> HIS cage, too!

>

>

>

> >

> > So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now.

> Normally I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum

> roll please.

> >

> > Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt

> (probably also BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down

> there? " referring to the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather

> purchased nearly 30 years ago. Since then stepfather's business struggled

> and struggled (took loans out on the house to buy supplies and then didn't

> get paid for work he did, so no money to hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple

> refinances ensued. Then he got high BP (over 300--living with nada?? You

> don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been able to work much since. Nada is

> too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled to even think of getting a job

> ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't *have* to work! " ). I did an

> online search and saw that the house has been foreclosed on and they are to

> have all their belongings out and a public auction will happen on the 7th.

> >

> > A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on

> facebook over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry

> in public view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years,

> blah blah blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing

> my wall or any of my posts.

> >

> > Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

> >

> > " Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart

> liberal...but your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I

> believe it's set for auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned

> my back on her. "

> >

> > *sigh*

> >

> > Whatever can one say??

> >

> > I FEEL like writing this:

> >

> > I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is

> never a good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are

> or for whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is

> real, and sad, especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost

> thirty years. (Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we

> sometimes wonder over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you

> don't sound like it, if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative

> attitude.)

> >

> > If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save

> for three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I

> know you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their

> money is for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the

> end of her life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true

> nonetheless.

> >

> > The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that

> relationship simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the

> happiest day of my life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I

> simply never had to do this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to

> the point where there was not one single positive thing left in it, and I

> knew that things were never going to get better, no matter what I did or

> didn't do. I asked myself what about it I would miss, and I swear I could

> not come up with a single positive thing.

> >

> > Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you

> down all over town when you were trying to start a career in law

> enforcement? Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy

> sulking all the way through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and

> then talk bad about you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she

> disclosed your personal bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over

> the internet, breaking up your relationship with someone you were maybe

> dating, all because she was mad at you over some money and wouldn't say so

> directly to your face? Well, multiple all this by about 100 and you've got

> some vague conception of where I'm at.

> >

> > : No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our

> mother is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around

> the behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

> different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves

> into treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are

> asked. But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out.

> Remember all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the

> tantrums and fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming,

> " Just SLAP MY FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs

> where we didn't know where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is

> this OK?

> >

> > No, it is not.

> >

> > I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got

> treated a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat

> different.

> >

> > I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a

> lot of pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age

> (as, by the way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing

> to enable the behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think

> about it. If a rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad

> about it. But you can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your

> hand in the cage and get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

> >

> > The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that

> I've done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a

> whole lot easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this

> situation...from here, and I'm not coming any closer.

> >

> > Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply

> no way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we

> ever do come into any money, I will send some.

> >

> > Love,

> >

> > Your sister.

> >

> > ******

> >

> > I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm

> completely at a loss, here.

> >

> > Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I hear the compassion in your letter, but I think your bruddah, if he has bpd

traits (as I'm guessing he does because you're referring to him as " bruddah " ) is

likely to interpret it as an attack on both him and your parents.

I suggest that you wait a few days before deciding whether to actually send it

or not. Give yourself plenty of time to absorb the situation and let your

feelings settle, first.

If you're hoping the letter will open his eyes and show him your point of view

and why you are remaining in NC, and cause him to feel compassion for you, it

probably will not have that result.

It hurts when your sibling isn't supportive and validating of your position, and

even attacks you for protecting yourself. No getting around it, it hurts. And

it hurts that they can't or will not see things from your point of view, and

instead blames you and tries to publicly shame you.

After all the awful things your nada has done to your bruddah, and if

he is still choosing to remain emotionally supportive of her, well then, more

power to him. He's got more resilience than most people (or he's very

codependent and unhealthily enmeshed with them emotionally.)

My Sister is similarly choosing to remain in contact with our nada, even though

nada continues to bash Sister from time to time and rip her heart out. But the

difference is that Sister and I are on the same page; my Sister understands that

I need to remain in No Contact (virtually No Contact) with nada and Sister and I

give each other emotional support. When Sister goes NC with nada from time to

time, I just give Sister support. When Sister resumes contact with nada, I give

Sister emotional support.

I guess I'm just lucky that my only sibling does not have pd traits, and is a

sweet and forgiving soul.

-Annie

>

> So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now.

Normally I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll

please.

>

> Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably

also BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring

to the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years

ago. Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out

on the house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no

money to hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high

BP (over 300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been

able to work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled

to even think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't

*have* to work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been

foreclosed on and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction

will happen on the 7th.

>

> A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or

any of my posts.

>

> Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

>

> " Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart liberal...but

your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe it's set for

auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on her. "

>

> *sigh*

>

> Whatever can one say??

>

> I FEEL like writing this:

>

> I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never a

good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

>

> If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save for

three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I know

you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their money is

for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end of her

life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

>

> The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

>

> Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you down

all over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement?

Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way

through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about

you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal

bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up

your relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at

you over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple

all this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

>

> : No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our mother

is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the

behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into

treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked.

But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember

all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and

fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY

FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know

where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

>

> No, it is not.

>

> I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got

treated a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

>

> I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a lot

of pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as, by

the way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to enable

the behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about it.

If a rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about it.

But you can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in the

cage and get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

>

> The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that I've

done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole lot

easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here, and

I'm not coming any closer.

>

> Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply no

way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever do

come into any money, I will send some.

>

> Love,

>

> Your sister.

>

> ******

>

> I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm completely

at a loss, here.

>

> Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I just want to say that is a beautifully written letter, even if you don't send

it. It's a nice reminder for me that protecting myself from nada is completely

justified. I really like your analogy to the rabid dog. Unfortunately, it sounds

like your bruddah totally drinks nada's kool-aid. I have this yucky feeling that

he might actually feel victorious by illiciting such a thorough and emotional

(though level-headed, you are clearly feeling upset in this letter). Don't give

him the satisfaction.

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, June 1, 2011 2:07 PM

Subject: Bruddah situation...advice needed

 

So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now. Normally

I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll please.

Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably also

BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring to

the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years ago.

Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out on the

house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no money to

hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high BP (over

300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been able to

work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled to even

think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't *have* to

work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been foreclosed on

and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction will happen

on the 7th.

A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or any

of my posts.

Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

" Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart liberal...but

your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe it's set for

auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on her. "

*sigh*

Whatever can one say??

I FEEL like writing this:

I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never a

good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save for

three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I know you

think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their money is for

them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end of her life

if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you down all

over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement? Remember

how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way through

it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about you to

anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal bankruptcy

information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up your

relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at you

over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple all

this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

: No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our mother is

mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the behavior

any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be different, if a

person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into treatment, and

actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked. But the instant

a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember all the screaming

rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and fights? Remember her

slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember

the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know where she was?? Is this

healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

No, it is not.

I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got treated

a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a lot of

pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as, by the

way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to enable the

behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about it. If a

rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about it. But you

can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in the cage and

get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that I've

done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole lot

easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here, and

I'm not coming any closer.

Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply no way

I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever do come

into any money, I will send some.

Love,

Your sister.

******

I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm completely at a

loss, here.

Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

--.

[Guest guest]

I can't tell you whether to send the letter or not. It is very well written and

you do a great job expressing yourself.

Instead, I'll give you some insight from the perspective of the child left to

take care of the 'folks.' Historically, my sis has always been the first one off

the ship whenever nada gets activated. She's done this for years. Even though I

love my sis to pieces, there were times when I got very frustrated and resentful

that I was the one stuck with having to 'entertain' mom. I saw it as my duty,

and did not think it humane to desert her, or leave my dishrage dad to be

punished. I spent lots of years saving them.

I had to come to the realization that I wasn't helping them, or being a good

daughter, by enabling their behavior. What changed for me was having a health

scare--there is nothing like having your mortality threatened to help you

prioritize where you put your energy.

From your brother's comments, he is feeling a lot of pain and resenting his

role. Instead of examining why he is feeling those things, he is aiming all his

resentment at you, simply because you are not there.

This is a sad place for you. He doesn't realize that his pain is created by your

mom and his inability to create boundaries with her. Unfortunately you can't aid

him through this process, and he will likely not be receptive to anything you

try to explain.

>

> So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now.

Normally I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll

please.

>

> Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably

also BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring

to the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years

ago. Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out

on the house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no

money to hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high

BP (over 300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been

able to work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled

to even think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't

*have* to work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been

foreclosed on and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction

will happen on the 7th.

>

> A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or

any of my posts.

>

> Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

>

> " Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart liberal...but

your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe it's set for

auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on her. "

>

> *sigh*

>

> Whatever can one say??

>

> I FEEL like writing this:

>

> I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never a

good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

>

> If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save for

three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I know

you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their money is

for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end of her

life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

>

> The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

>

> Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you down

all over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement?

Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way

through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about

you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal

bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up

your relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at

you over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple

all this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

>

> : No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our mother

is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the

behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into

treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked.

But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember

all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and

fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY

FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know

where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

>

> No, it is not.

>

> I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got

treated a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

>

> I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a lot

of pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as, by

the way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to enable

the behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about it.

If a rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about it.

But you can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in the

cage and get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

>

> The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that I've

done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole lot

easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here, and

I'm not coming any closer.

>

> Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply no

way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever do

come into any money, I will send some.

>

> Love,

>

> Your sister.

>

> ******

>

> I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm completely

at a loss, here.

>

> Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

>

> --.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm with Kimber. Keep the beautifully thought out responses for us and your

" bleeding heart " pals. We will appreciate it much more than your family ever

could.

Sorry for the super lame guilt trip he's giving you.

> >

> > So I have been out of the loop with BPD " ma " for about five years now.

Normally I don't have a lot to write in about here, but this week...drum roll

please.

> >

> > Suddenly this week I start getting these cryptic emails from Aunt (probably

also BPD) saying, " Have you heard about the mess going on down there? " referring

to the house on the water my BPD nada and stepfather purchased nearly 30 years

ago. Since then stepfather's business struggled and struggled (took loans out

on the house to buy supplies and then didn't get paid for work he did, so no

money to hire a lawyer to sue). Multiple refinances ensued. Then he got high

BP (over 300--living with nada?? You don't say!), had a stroke, and hasn't been

able to work much since. Nada is too flaky, sensitive, queen-y, and unskilled

to even think of getting a job ( " My life's been too terrible--*I* shouldn't

*have* to work! " ). I did an online search and saw that the house has been

foreclosed on and they are to have all their belongings out and a public auction

will happen on the 7th.

> >

> > A few weeks ago Bruddah started an argument with friends of mine on facebook

over political views and then ended up airing family dirty laundry in public

view. ( " You haven't even talked to your own mother in five years, blah blah

blah " ). I promptly deleted the topic and blocked him from viewing my wall or

any of my posts.

> >

> > Today on facebook, this message has arrived:

> >

> > " Not that you probably care, even though you're a bleeding heart

liberal...but your mother is about to lose her house to foreclosure. I believe

it's set for auction on June 7th. But don't worry, I haven't turned my back on

her. "

> >

> > *sigh*

> >

> > Whatever can one say??

> >

> > I FEEL like writing this:

> >

> > I know that you are surprised by this, but I actually do care. It is never

a good thing for anyone to lose their house, I don't care who they are or for

whatever reason. The pain people go through in that situation is real, and sad,

especially when they've struggled to hold onto it for almost thirty years.

(Ironically, from the 'bleeding heart liberal' perspective, we sometimes wonder

over here if you conservatives give a shit. Many times you don't sound like it,

if El Rushbo is any measure of the typical conservative attitude.)

> >

> > If I had any spare money, I'd send some, but I don't. I just had to save

for three months to go to the gyn. (Didn't go last year, lack of money.) I

know you think we're robbing Aunt Jean blind up here, but we're not. Their

money is for them, and we're hoping it will at least last Aunt Jean til the end

of her life if not Jean Ellen. Tough for you to believe, but true nonetheless.

> >

> > The reason I don't go down there to commiserate, is that that relationship

simply got worse and worse and worse and worse, until the happiest day of my

life was literally the day I said to myself, " What if I simply never had to do

this again? " and then I didn't. It literally got to the point where there was

not one single positive thing left in it, and I knew that things were never

going to get better, no matter what I did or didn't do. I asked myself what

about it I would miss, and I swear I could not come up with a single positive

thing.

> >

> > Remember those emails she sent you at work? Remember how she talked you

down all over town when you were trying to start a career in law enforcement?

Remember how she ruined your graduation from police academy sulking all the way

through it? Remember how she'd always lend you money and then talk bad about

you to anyone who would listen? Remember how she disclosed your personal

bankruptcy information to a complete stranger over the internet, breaking up

your relationship with someone you were maybe dating, all because she was mad at

you over some money and wouldn't say so directly to your face? Well, multiple

all this by about 100 and you've got some vague conception of where I'm at.

> >

> > : No healthy parent does this. No healthy person does this. Our

mother is mentally ill, make no mistake about it, and I just can't be around the

behavior any more. Can't do it, can't do it, can't do it. It would be

different, if a person would see that they have a problem, get themselves into

treatment, and actually listen to what they are told and do as they are asked.

But the instant a therapist asks that of her...our mother drops out. Remember

all the screaming rages when we were kids? Remember all the tantrums and

fights? Remember her slapping herself in the face screaming, " Just SLAP MY

FAAAAAACE!!!! " Remember the middle-of-the-night drive-offs where we didn't know

where she was?? Is this healthy? Is this normal? Is this OK?

> >

> > No, it is not.

> >

> > I understand that you had a different relationship with her and you got

treated a lot differently. Therefore, our perspectives are somewhat different.

> >

> > I'm sorry that our mother is mentally ill. I understand that she is in a

lot of pain. I had that understanding ground into me at a very early age (as,

by the way, did you.) But I can do nothing at all about it. Continuing to

enable the behavior is detrimental to me and is not helpful to her. Think about

it. If a rabid dog is dying in a cage, you may feel very sorry and sad about

it. But you can't cure the dog. Does that mean you should stick your hand in

the cage and get bitten? I'm done sticking my hand in the cage.

> >

> > The kind of snide tone here in your messages of late confirms to me that

I've done the right thing for myself and makes my decision to stay out a whole

lot easier. I wish for the best that's possible in this situation...from here,

and I'm not coming any closer.

> >

> > Take care. If you guys are taking care of them, thank you. There's simply

no way I could handle it. I wish you the best of luck with that, and if we ever

do come into any money, I will send some.

> >

> > Love,

> >

> > Your sister.

> >

> > ******

> >

> > I know, probably a bad idea. But what would be a good idea?? I'm

completely at a loss, here.

> >

> > Thanks. I really appreciate any thoughts from cooler heads.

> >

> > --.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

It sounds like your brother is a flying monkey of sorts, probably jealous of the

freedom you have from your mother.

The email you want to send, while it may feel good to send, may end up hurting

you. He'd probably post it somewhere or twist it out of context. Or, print it

out and give it to your mother.

I know it sucks to be wrongly accused but they don't sound like they would be

listening. He just wants to get a rise out of you.

Just my two cents.

Fiona

[Guest guest]

Hi, everyone,

Personally I don't care who sees the letter. I already posted it anonymously on

a blog I have (which no one reads).

But I see where you're coming from. I figured this before I wrote, but ya know,

sometimes ya just gotta vent to somebody who understands.

I feel sorry for my brother. Years ago I was nada's flying monkey, too. But

you're right, I've tried to send things like this before, and they've made no

impression whatsoever. The woman has made a profession out of driving others

crazy and using other people to interface with the world for her.

Thanks.

--LL.