New Member Story -- Mom Has BPD

[Guest guest]

Hi Everyone,

I just became a member here, at WTO2, and at the BPD Family message board. There

I gave a long introduction about my experience growing up with a mom who has BPD

and is not open to treatment, or even diagnosis. I'm really glad there is a

group just for adult children. So I'm going to copy and paste my introduction

here. I am a wordy person, I love to write and communicate, so please read just

some of it, and I would love your responses. I'm new to this stuff but already

feeling relieved and like I can relate to a lot of what I read. Thanks for all

your support guys.

My name on here is Rooster, I'm 23, female, currently living in downtown

Manhattan NYC (not in the same state as my parents). Though she has not been

officially diagnosed, I am quite sure that my mom has borderline personality

disorder. I think she has six of the nine characteristics. It's difficult having

a BPD mom. I feel relieved having a diagnosis because of course she thinks she's

great and everyone is out to get her. She has a huge victim complex going on,

which I understand is typical of BPD (I'm new to this stuff).

She is paranoid. She thinks that some of her former colleagues listened to her

phone conversations and bugged her office. They supposedly formed opposite

factions in some interdepartmental war and since my mom refused to join a

faction they all wanted to coerce her into joining but were also trying to help

her. When I tell her I don't understand this, she replies, " neither do I! " and

starts laughing. She felt that they had a " network " against her and forced her

relatives and even friends at our former synagogue to bug her and give them

information. Not only that, she still believes this is still going on and she

hasn't worked at that place -- or lived in that part of the country -- for 6

years. She still writes angry letters about how she is being " harassed " to the

secretary. She knows I do not believe this and changes the subject when I firmly

tell her that. When she accused friends of hers of " taping her " and they denied

it, she was convinced that they were lying to her and had fits at them and broke

off the friendships.

Her mood swings and shifts from idealization to devaluation are incredible and

unpredictable. I really understand the " walking on eggshells " thing Randi Kreger

talks about. That's how anyone's life is with her. She is manipulative and

volatile. She gets incredibly angry at the drop of a hat. Here's an example: two

years ago I visited my parents for Christmas Break (we're Jewish, I'm Buddhist,

but our family sort of does Christmas as a social thing...go figure...) and

spilled Diet Coke on the white carpet. Since we had a white carpet at the time,

my dad kept a special cleaner. The two of us, and a good family friend,

immediately cleaned the carpet and in seconds the stain was totally cleared up,

as if I never spilled anything. But my mom kept telling me what a terrible and

inconsiderate person I was to have done that. When I told her people make

mistakes, it's cleaned, and I'm not inconsiderate, she said I was " talking back "

and yelled until I couldn't talk anymore. She'll often say " drop it! just drop

it! " in an incredibly harsh tone of voice until I have no choice but to shut up.

Here's one more story (of many) just to drive the point home. When I was 17, a

senior in high school, my dad was interviewing for jobs in another part of the

country. My dad called and I asked him how the interviews were going. Mom

immediately made me hang up the phone. She said that her colleagues who bugged

her phone heard that and now they would block my parents from ever leaving the

town we lived in. Keep in mind that my dad's profession has nothing to do with

my mom's, so my mom's colleagues would have no incentive, or ability, to block

my dad's job opportunities. But she was sure that my " slip up " ruined everything

for them. I supposedly didn't need to care about this because I was going off to

college anyway, but they were stuck, and it was all my fault. I folded laundry

and watched the French Open (ah, it's that time of year again) in the master

bedroom while my mom walked up and down the stairs, telling me each time she

reached the bedroom what a terrible person I was for ruining her life. When I

heard her slowly climbing the creaky stairs, I knew what I was in for. When my

dad returned to town, he managed to convince her that her colleagues weren't

listening. I got a very terse apology.

This has taken its toll on me. I'm her only child, and I am also her daughter,

so there is a lot of energy and enmeshment put on me without much distraction

for her. My dad is a great guy, but he's a bit of a pushover who likes to serve

people, so he tries to cater to her and expects me to play along, which I do not

want to. I don't feel he has been there for me enough in dealing with my mom.

Outside of that, he is very supportive of me. He is a loving guy with a great

sense of humor. But he's often told me to " ignore her " which I can't do and is

an unreasonable request. I've made my opinions on this very clear to him and he

has accepted them. But growing up I don't feel I had much support for dealing

with her or much context for what she was doing.

I read that BP's tend to have had traumatic childhoods and my mom is no

exception. Her mom had depression, was seriously unwell since my mom was 11

years old, and committed suicide by overdosing on pills when my mom was 16 years

old. Her father was a mean man, accomplished professionally but verbally

violent. When she felt to a university he didn't want her to go to (even though

it had a great teacher for her particular interest), he introduced her to people

as " my uneducated child. " After her mom committed suicide, my grandfather moved

to another part of the country due to his career and left my mom with another

family. (Hence the abandonment issues of BP's). My mom has a sister who is 6

years older and was already out of the house and married by the time my mom was

dealing with her mother's death. She and her sister have had a lot of

misunderstandings and a terrible relationship since then. They live 45 minutes

apart now...and I get to hear about how terrible my aunt is a lot... So my mom

had a terrible deal, and did well in many aspects regardless of this, but she

has been closed off to therapy her entire life. She is a very strong personality

and is sure of her skewed perspective on things.

I'm curious to learn more about how this has affected other children of BP's.

The main effects I have experienced for a long time are anxiety and

perfectionism. I'm used to being blamed and accused. I tend to blame myself for

almost anything and feel that what I do isn't good enough. I sometimes get

nervous when faced with tasks I'm totally capable of doing, and then proceed to

do. But sometimes this anxiety has gotten very bad. I was diagnosed with anxiety

disorder last fall and have been taking Prozac. I think this helps, but the main

things that have helped me immensely in the last two years have been

psychotherapy, insight meditation, and taking up Buddhism as a spiritual path. I

can't tell you how revelatory and satisfying these things have been. I do a lot

better with my anxiety and negative thoughts. I have so many more tools now and

a lot of support.

I've been taking this year to focus on my mental and spiritual health because in

the past I've just pushed myself academically without doing that. I think they

say children of BP's tend to ignore their own needs. So I have been doing a lot

of meditation retreats (they are healing, but they are quite demanding, don't

think it's a vacation) and have been in therapy twice a week for maybe 6 months

now and it's been very, very good. I also just got into a process called

Nonviolent Communication or NVC which is also very healing and I am planning on

doing what they call an " Empathy Intensive " weekend workshop with them at the

end of the month. I do many practices that focus on self-compassion which is

really what I need. (Read " Self-Compassion " by Neff if you have not.

Also " Radical Acceptance " by Tara Brach.)

I would love comments on my mom and on dealing with being the child of a BP,

which I'm going to say again is an extremely difficult thing to be, especially

when you are little, living at home, and have no context for understanding it. I

have felt so alienated and frightened and angry. But now I'm learning about it,

helping myself in a lot of ways, I'm an adult and live independently, and am

nurturing a great and honest relationship with my father and with friends. Being

15, 16 was the worst. I got much of the literature, like Randi Kreger's books,

on kindle on my iPod Touch, and I'm a voracious reader, so I'm going to dive

into them this week.

I'm so delighted and grateful to have this support. Stay strong everybody.

Please share your tips and stories with me. I can't wait to get to know all of

you.

with lovingkindness,

Rooster1106

[Guest guest]

Hi Rooster,

Welcome! I don't post here much, but I wanted to let you know that I can relate

to the anxiety, perfectionism, and blaming myself for everything. My

then-boyfriend, now-husband used to tease me (nicely) for saying " I'm sorry! " to

everything, even when it couldn't possibly have been my fault. I've let go of a

lot of it, although the anxiety has been particularly hard to shake. I'm just

getting used to the fact that it's okay to be on medications when your childhood

was largely composed of fear and uncertainty.

My nada once yelled at my son (then three) for putting a glass of water on her

dining room table. She was mad because the table was new. When I was a teen, she

also went crazy on me, calling me a bitch, a slut, and a whore for something I

didn't do. She had my dog put to sleep while I was at school. She told stories

to her friends about me that were either exaggerations or outright lies, and

perhaps creepiest of all, insisted that there had been a picture of me in the

newspaper when there hadn't. When I asked her to show me the picture, the woman

looked nothing like me, but like how nada's always told me I should wear my

hair and make up. She showed this picture to me while I was standing *right next

to her*. She truly could not see that I was not this other person that was the

embodiment of what, to her, a woman should be. It literally turned my stomach.

There are others, but I don't want to bore the other forum members who have

heard my tales before.

Anyway, it sucks, I don't talk to her anymore, and ironically enough, I recently

downloaded both of the books you mentioned onto my Kindle.

Again, welcome!

P.S. I just caught myself correcting grammatical errors in this message. How sad

is that?

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I just became a member here, at WTO2, and at the BPD Family message board.

There I gave a long introduction about my experience growing up with a mom who

has BPD and is not open to treatment, or even diagnosis. I'm really glad there

is a group just for adult children. So I'm going to copy and paste my

introduction here. I am a wordy person, I love to write and communicate, so

please read just some of it, and I would love your responses. I'm new to this

stuff but already feeling relieved and like I can relate to a lot of what I

read. Thanks for all your support guys.

>

> My name on here is Rooster, I'm 23, female, currently living in downtown

Manhattan NYC (not in the same state as my parents). Though she has not been

officially diagnosed, I am quite sure that my mom has borderline personality

disorder. I think she has six of the nine characteristics. It's difficult having

a BPD mom. I feel relieved having a diagnosis because of course she thinks she's

great and everyone is out to get her. She has a huge victim complex going on,

which I understand is typical of BPD (I'm new to this stuff).

>

> She is paranoid. She thinks that some of her former colleagues listened to her

phone conversations and bugged her office. They supposedly formed opposite

factions in some interdepartmental war and since my mom refused to join a

faction they all wanted to coerce her into joining but were also trying to help

her. When I tell her I don't understand this, she replies, " neither do I! " and

starts laughing. She felt that they had a " network " against her and forced her

relatives and even friends at our former synagogue to bug her and give them

information. Not only that, she still believes this is still going on and she

hasn't worked at that place -- or lived in that part of the country -- for 6

years. She still writes angry letters about how she is being " harassed " to the

secretary. She knows I do not believe this and changes the subject when I firmly

tell her that. When she accused friends of hers of " taping her " and they denied

it, she was convinced that they were lying to her and had fits at them and broke

off the friendships.

>

> Her mood swings and shifts from idealization to devaluation are incredible and

unpredictable. I really understand the " walking on eggshells " thing Randi Kreger

talks about. That's how anyone's life is with her. She is manipulative and

volatile. She gets incredibly angry at the drop of a hat. Here's an example: two

years ago I visited my parents for Christmas Break (we're Jewish, I'm Buddhist,

but our family sort of does Christmas as a social thing...go figure...) and

spilled Diet Coke on the white carpet. Since we had a white carpet at the time,

my dad kept a special cleaner. The two of us, and a good family friend,

immediately cleaned the carpet and in seconds the stain was totally cleared up,

as if I never spilled anything. But my mom kept telling me what a terrible and

inconsiderate person I was to have done that. When I told her people make

mistakes, it's cleaned, and I'm not inconsiderate, she said I was " talking back "

and yelled until I couldn't talk anymore. She'll often say " drop it! just drop

it! " in an incredibly harsh tone of voice until I have no choice but to shut up.

>

> Here's one more story (of many) just to drive the point home. When I was 17, a

senior in high school, my dad was interviewing for jobs in another part of the

country. My dad called and I asked him how the interviews were going. Mom

immediately made me hang up the phone. She said that her colleagues who bugged

her phone heard that and now they would block my parents from ever leaving the

town we lived in. Keep in mind that my dad's profession has nothing to do with

my mom's, so my mom's colleagues would have no incentive, or ability, to block

my dad's job opportunities. But she was sure that my " slip up " ruined everything

for them. I supposedly didn't need to care about this because I was going off to

college anyway, but they were stuck, and it was all my fault. I folded laundry

and watched the French Open (ah, it's that time of year again) in the master

bedroom while my mom walked up and down the stairs, telling me each time she

reached the bedroom what a terrible person I was for ruining her life. When I

heard her slowly climbing the creaky stairs, I knew what I was in for. When my

dad returned to town, he managed to convince her that her colleagues weren't

listening. I got a very terse apology.

>

> This has taken its toll on me. I'm her only child, and I am also her daughter,

so there is a lot of energy and enmeshment put on me without much distraction

for her. My dad is a great guy, but he's a bit of a pushover who likes to serve

people, so he tries to cater to her and expects me to play along, which I do not

want to. I don't feel he has been there for me enough in dealing with my mom.

Outside of that, he is very supportive of me. He is a loving guy with a great

sense of humor. But he's often told me to " ignore her " which I can't do and is

an unreasonable request. I've made my opinions on this very clear to him and he

has accepted them. But growing up I don't feel I had much support for dealing

with her or much context for what she was doing.

>

> I read that BP's tend to have had traumatic childhoods and my mom is no

exception. Her mom had depression, was seriously unwell since my mom was 11

years old, and committed suicide by overdosing on pills when my mom was 16 years

old. Her father was a mean man, accomplished professionally but verbally

violent. When she felt to a university he didn't want her to go to (even though

it had a great teacher for her particular interest), he introduced her to people

as " my uneducated child. " After her mom committed suicide, my grandfather moved

to another part of the country due to his career and left my mom with another

family. (Hence the abandonment issues of BP's). My mom has a sister who is 6

years older and was already out of the house and married by the time my mom was

dealing with her mother's death. She and her sister have had a lot of

misunderstandings and a terrible relationship since then. They live 45 minutes

apart now...and I get to hear about how terrible my aunt is a lot... So my mom

had a terrible deal, and did well in many aspects regardless of this, but she

has been closed off to therapy her entire life. She is a very strong personality

and is sure of her skewed perspective on things.

>

> I'm curious to learn more about how this has affected other children of BP's.

The main effects I have experienced for a long time are anxiety and

perfectionism. I'm used to being blamed and accused. I tend to blame myself for

almost anything and feel that what I do isn't good enough. I sometimes get

nervous when faced with tasks I'm totally capable of doing, and then proceed to

do. But sometimes this anxiety has gotten very bad. I was diagnosed with anxiety

disorder last fall and have been taking Prozac. I think this helps, but the main

things that have helped me immensely in the last two years have been

psychotherapy, insight meditation, and taking up Buddhism as a spiritual path. I

can't tell you how revelatory and satisfying these things have been. I do a lot

better with my anxiety and negative thoughts. I have so many more tools now and

a lot of support.

>

> I've been taking this year to focus on my mental and spiritual health because

in the past I've just pushed myself academically without doing that. I think

they say children of BP's tend to ignore their own needs. So I have been doing a

lot of meditation retreats (they are healing, but they are quite demanding,

don't think it's a vacation) and have been in therapy twice a week for maybe 6

months now and it's been very, very good. I also just got into a process called

Nonviolent Communication or NVC which is also very healing and I am planning on

doing what they call an " Empathy Intensive " weekend workshop with them at the

end of the month. I do many practices that focus on self-compassion which is

really what I need. (Read " Self-Compassion " by Neff if you have not.

Also " Radical Acceptance " by Tara Brach.)

>

> I would love comments on my mom and on dealing with being the child of a BP,

which I'm going to say again is an extremely difficult thing to be, especially

when you are little, living at home, and have no context for understanding it. I

have felt so alienated and frightened and angry. But now I'm learning about it,

helping myself in a lot of ways, I'm an adult and live independently, and am

nurturing a great and honest relationship with my father and with friends. Being

15, 16 was the worst. I got much of the literature, like Randi Kreger's books,

on kindle on my iPod Touch, and I'm a voracious reader, so I'm going to dive

into them this week.

>

> I'm so delighted and grateful to have this support. Stay strong everybody.

Please share your tips and stories with me. I can't wait to get to know all of

you.

> with lovingkindness,

> Rooster1106

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the Group, Rooster. This is a good bunch of people who truly

understand what its like to grow up with a borderline pd mother or father, or

both parents having some kind of mental disorder.

Here at this Group, we give each other emotional support and validation, and we

share what's working for us or not working. We share our successes and our

setbacks. Its really good to know that other people truly understand the

heartbreak, the anger, the struggle that we're going through.

The paranoia you mention with your mother can be a feature of bpd, but with bpd

people it tends to occur when they're under stress. Its referred to as

" transient " paranoid or delusional thoughts. If your mother has paranoid

thoughts most of the time, then possibly she has a co-morbidity of another

mental disorder as well as bpd.

Its not as important to have a formal diagnosis (and we can't diagnose anything

here, that was just me speculating and giving my own personal opinion) as it is

to learn ways to keep yourself from being further manipulated, used, abused

and/or damaged by the behaviors.

Here, its about finding out what will work best for you in your situation, and

receiving emotional support and validation as you go on this journey toward

healing.

So, again, welcome. We totally get where you're coming from.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I just became a member here, at WTO2, and at the BPD Family message board.

There I gave a long introduction about my experience growing up with a mom who

has BPD and is not open to treatment, or even diagnosis. I'm really glad there

is a group just for adult children. So I'm going to copy and paste my

introduction here. I am a wordy person, I love to write and communicate, so

please read just some of it, and I would love your responses. I'm new to this

stuff but already feeling relieved and like I can relate to a lot of what I

read. Thanks for all your support guys.

>

> My name on here is Rooster, I'm 23, female, currently living in downtown

Manhattan NYC (not in the same state as my parents). Though she has not been

officially diagnosed, I am quite sure that my mom has borderline personality

disorder. I think she has six of the nine characteristics. It's difficult having

a BPD mom. I feel relieved having a diagnosis because of course she thinks she's

great and everyone is out to get her. She has a huge victim complex going on,

which I understand is typical of BPD (I'm new to this stuff).

>

> She is paranoid. She thinks that some of her former colleagues listened to her

phone conversations and bugged her office. They supposedly formed opposite

factions in some interdepartmental war and since my mom refused to join a

faction they all wanted to coerce her into joining but were also trying to help

her. When I tell her I don't understand this, she replies, " neither do I! " and

starts laughing. She felt that they had a " network " against her and forced her

relatives and even friends at our former synagogue to bug her and give them

information. Not only that, she still believes this is still going on and she

hasn't worked at that place -- or lived in that part of the country -- for 6

years. She still writes angry letters about how she is being " harassed " to the

secretary. She knows I do not believe this and changes the subject when I firmly

tell her that. When she accused friends of hers of " taping her " and they denied

it, she was convinced that they were lying to her and had fits at them and broke

off the friendships.

>

> Her mood swings and shifts from idealization to devaluation are incredible and

unpredictable. I really understand the " walking on eggshells " thing Randi Kreger

talks about. That's how anyone's life is with her. She is manipulative and

volatile. She gets incredibly angry at the drop of a hat. Here's an example: two

years ago I visited my parents for Christmas Break (we're Jewish, I'm Buddhist,

but our family sort of does Christmas as a social thing...go figure...) and

spilled Diet Coke on the white carpet. Since we had a white carpet at the time,

my dad kept a special cleaner. The two of us, and a good family friend,

immediately cleaned the carpet and in seconds the stain was totally cleared up,

as if I never spilled anything. But my mom kept telling me what a terrible and

inconsiderate person I was to have done that. When I told her people make

mistakes, it's cleaned, and I'm not inconsiderate, she said I was " talking back "

and yelled until I couldn't talk anymore. She'll often say " drop it! just drop

it! " in an incredibly harsh tone of voice until I have no choice but to shut up.

>

> Here's one more story (of many) just to drive the point home. When I was 17, a

senior in high school, my dad was interviewing for jobs in another part of the

country. My dad called and I asked him how the interviews were going. Mom

immediately made me hang up the phone. She said that her colleagues who bugged

her phone heard that and now they would block my parents from ever leaving the

town we lived in. Keep in mind that my dad's profession has nothing to do with

my mom's, so my mom's colleagues would have no incentive, or ability, to block

my dad's job opportunities. But she was sure that my " slip up " ruined everything

for them. I supposedly didn't need to care about this because I was going off to

college anyway, but they were stuck, and it was all my fault. I folded laundry

and watched the French Open (ah, it's that time of year again) in the master

bedroom while my mom walked up and down the stairs, telling me each time she

reached the bedroom what a terrible person I was for ruining her life. When I

heard her slowly climbing the creaky stairs, I knew what I was in for. When my

dad returned to town, he managed to convince her that her colleagues weren't

listening. I got a very terse apology.

>

> This has taken its toll on me. I'm her only child, and I am also her daughter,

so there is a lot of energy and enmeshment put on me without much distraction

for her. My dad is a great guy, but he's a bit of a pushover who likes to serve

people, so he tries to cater to her and expects me to play along, which I do not

want to. I don't feel he has been there for me enough in dealing with my mom.

Outside of that, he is very supportive of me. He is a loving guy with a great

sense of humor. But he's often told me to " ignore her " which I can't do and is

an unreasonable request. I've made my opinions on this very clear to him and he

has accepted them. But growing up I don't feel I had much support for dealing

with her or much context for what she was doing.

>

> I read that BP's tend to have had traumatic childhoods and my mom is no

exception. Her mom had depression, was seriously unwell since my mom was 11

years old, and committed suicide by overdosing on pills when my mom was 16 years

old. Her father was a mean man, accomplished professionally but verbally

violent. When she felt to a university he didn't want her to go to (even though

it had a great teacher for her particular interest), he introduced her to people

as " my uneducated child. " After her mom committed suicide, my grandfather moved

to another part of the country due to his career and left my mom with another

family. (Hence the abandonment issues of BP's). My mom has a sister who is 6

years older and was already out of the house and married by the time my mom was

dealing with her mother's death. She and her sister have had a lot of

misunderstandings and a terrible relationship since then. They live 45 minutes

apart now...and I get to hear about how terrible my aunt is a lot... So my mom

had a terrible deal, and did well in many aspects regardless of this, but she

has been closed off to therapy her entire life. She is a very strong personality

and is sure of her skewed perspective on things.

>

> I'm curious to learn more about how this has affected other children of BP's.

The main effects I have experienced for a long time are anxiety and

perfectionism. I'm used to being blamed and accused. I tend to blame myself for

almost anything and feel that what I do isn't good enough. I sometimes get

nervous when faced with tasks I'm totally capable of doing, and then proceed to

do. But sometimes this anxiety has gotten very bad. I was diagnosed with anxiety

disorder last fall and have been taking Prozac. I think this helps, but the main

things that have helped me immensely in the last two years have been

psychotherapy, insight meditation, and taking up Buddhism as a spiritual path. I

can't tell you how revelatory and satisfying these things have been. I do a lot

better with my anxiety and negative thoughts. I have so many more tools now and

a lot of support.

>

> I've been taking this year to focus on my mental and spiritual health because

in the past I've just pushed myself academically without doing that. I think

they say children of BP's tend to ignore their own needs. So I have been doing a

lot of meditation retreats (they are healing, but they are quite demanding,

don't think it's a vacation) and have been in therapy twice a week for maybe 6

months now and it's been very, very good. I also just got into a process called

Nonviolent Communication or NVC which is also very healing and I am planning on

doing what they call an " Empathy Intensive " weekend workshop with them at the

end of the month. I do many practices that focus on self-compassion which is

really what I need. (Read " Self-Compassion " by Neff if you have not.

Also " Radical Acceptance " by Tara Brach.)

>

> I would love comments on my mom and on dealing with being the child of a BP,

which I'm going to say again is an extremely difficult thing to be, especially

when you are little, living at home, and have no context for understanding it. I

have felt so alienated and frightened and angry. But now I'm learning about it,

helping myself in a lot of ways, I'm an adult and live independently, and am

nurturing a great and honest relationship with my father and with friends. Being

15, 16 was the worst. I got much of the literature, like Randi Kreger's books,

on kindle on my iPod Touch, and I'm a voracious reader, so I'm going to dive

into them this week.

>

> I'm so delighted and grateful to have this support. Stay strong everybody.

Please share your tips and stories with me. I can't wait to get to know all of

you.

> with lovingkindness,

> Rooster1106

>

[Guest guest]

Dear Rooster: It's both sad and comforting to read about your experience. I

could have written it word for word....the anxiety, perfectionism, paranoia,

depression, mood swings...It's so hard to separate from a nada. Who doesn't

want a mother's love? It's hard.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thu, June 2, 2011 9:46:01 AM

Subject: Re: New Member Story -- Mom Has BPD

Welcome to the Group, Rooster. This is a good bunch of people who truly

understand what its like to grow up with a borderline pd mother or father, or

both parents having some kind of mental disorder.

Here at this Group, we give each other emotional support and validation, and we

share what's working for us or not working. We share our successes and our

setbacks. Its really good to know that other people truly understand the

heartbreak, the anger, the struggle that we're going through.

The paranoia you mention with your mother can be a feature of bpd, but with bpd

people it tends to occur when they're under stress. Its referred to as

" transient " paranoid or delusional thoughts. If your mother has paranoid

thoughts most of the time, then possibly she has a co-morbidity of another

mental disorder as well as bpd.

Its not as important to have a formal diagnosis (and we can't diagnose anything

here, that was just me speculating and giving my own personal opinion) as it is

to learn ways to keep yourself from being further manipulated, used, abused

and/or damaged by the behaviors.

Here, its about finding out what will work best for you in your situation, and

receiving emotional support and validation as you go on this journey toward

healing.

So, again, welcome. We totally get where you're coming from.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

> I just became a member here, at WTO2, and at the BPD Family message board.

>There I gave a long introduction about my experience growing up with a mom who

>has BPD and is not open to treatment, or even diagnosis. I'm really glad there

>is a group just for adult children. So I'm going to copy and paste my

>introduction here. I am a wordy person, I love to write and communicate, so

>please read just some of it, and I would love your responses. I'm new to this

>stuff but already feeling relieved and like I can relate to a lot of what I

>read. Thanks for all your support guys.

>

> My name on here is Rooster, I'm 23, female, currently living in downtown

>Manhattan NYC (not in the same state as my parents). Though she has not been

>officially diagnosed, I am quite sure that my mom has borderline personality

>disorder. I think she has six of the nine characteristics. It's difficult

having

>a BPD mom. I feel relieved having a diagnosis because of course she thinks

she's

>great and everyone is out to get her. She has a huge victim complex going on,

>which I understand is typical of BPD (I'm new to this stuff).

>

>

> She is paranoid. She thinks that some of her former colleagues listened to her

>phone conversations and bugged her office. They supposedly formed opposite

>factions in some interdepartmental war and since my mom refused to join a

>faction they all wanted to coerce her into joining but were also trying to help

>her. When I tell her I don't understand this, she replies, " neither do I! " and

>starts laughing. She felt that they had a " network " against her and forced her

>relatives and even friends at our former synagogue to bug her and give them

>information. Not only that, she still believes this is still going on and she

>hasn't worked at that place -- or lived in that part of the country -- for 6

>years. She still writes angry letters about how she is being " harassed " to the

>secretary. She knows I do not believe this and changes the subject when I

firmly

>tell her that. When she accused friends of hers of " taping her " and they denied

>it, she was convinced that they were lying to her and had fits at them and

broke

>off the friendships.

>

> Her mood swings and shifts from idealization to devaluation are incredible and

>unpredictable. I really understand the " walking on eggshells " thing Randi

Kreger

>talks about. That's how anyone's life is with her. She is manipulative and

>volatile. She gets incredibly angry at the drop of a hat. Here's an example:

two

>years ago I visited my parents for Christmas Break (we're Jewish, I'm Buddhist,

>but our family sort of does Christmas as a social thing...go figure...) and

>spilled Diet Coke on the white carpet. Since we had a white carpet at the time,

>my dad kept a special cleaner. The two of us, and a good family friend,

>immediately cleaned the carpet and in seconds the stain was totally cleared up,

>as if I never spilled anything. But my mom kept telling me what a terrible and

>inconsiderate person I was to have done that. When I told her people make

>mistakes, it's cleaned, and I'm not inconsiderate, she said I was " talking

back "

>and yelled until I couldn't talk anymore. She'll often say " drop it! just drop

>it! " in an incredibly harsh tone of voice until I have no choice but to shut

up.

>

>

> Here's one more story (of many) just to drive the point home. When I was 17, a

>senior in high school, my dad was interviewing for jobs in another part of the

>country. My dad called and I asked him how the interviews were going. Mom

>immediately made me hang up the phone. She said that her colleagues who bugged

>her phone heard that and now they would block my parents from ever leaving the

>town we lived in. Keep in mind that my dad's profession has nothing to do with

>my mom's, so my mom's colleagues would have no incentive, or ability, to block

>my dad's job opportunities. But she was sure that my " slip up " ruined

everything

>for them. I supposedly didn't need to care about this because I was going off

to

>college anyway, but they were stuck, and it was all my fault. I folded laundry

>and watched the French Open (ah, it's that time of year again) in the master

>bedroom while my mom walked up and down the stairs, telling me each time she

>reached the bedroom what a terrible person I was for ruining her life. When I

>heard her slowly climbing the creaky stairs, I knew what I was in for. When my

>dad returned to town, he managed to convince her that her colleagues weren't

>listening. I got a very terse apology.

>

>

> This has taken its toll on me. I'm her only child, and I am also her daughter,

>so there is a lot of energy and enmeshment put on me without much distraction

>for her. My dad is a great guy, but he's a bit of a pushover who likes to serve

>people, so he tries to cater to her and expects me to play along, which I do

not

>want to. I don't feel he has been there for me enough in dealing with my mom.

>Outside of that, he is very supportive of me. He is a loving guy with a great

>sense of humor. But he's often told me to " ignore her " which I can't do and is

>an unreasonable request. I've made my opinions on this very clear to him and he

>has accepted them. But growing up I don't feel I had much support for dealing

>with her or much context for what she was doing.

>

>

> I read that BP's tend to have had traumatic childhoods and my mom is no

>exception. Her mom had depression, was seriously unwell since my mom was 11

>years old, and committed suicide by overdosing on pills when my mom was 16

years

>old. Her father was a mean man, accomplished professionally but verbally

>violent. When she felt to a university he didn't want her to go to (even though

>it had a great teacher for her particular interest), he introduced her to

people

>as " my uneducated child. " After her mom committed suicide, my grandfather moved

>to another part of the country due to his career and left my mom with another

>family. (Hence the abandonment issues of BP's). My mom has a sister who is 6

>years older and was already out of the house and married by the time my mom was

>dealing with her mother's death. She and her sister have had a lot of

>misunderstandings and a terrible relationship since then. They live 45 minutes

>apart now...and I get to hear about how terrible my aunt is a lot... So my mom

>had a terrible deal, and did well in many aspects regardless of this, but she

>has been closed off to therapy her entire life. She is a very strong

personality

>and is sure of her skewed perspective on things.

>

> I'm curious to learn more about how this has affected other children of BP's.

>The main effects I have experienced for a long time are anxiety and

>perfectionism. I'm used to being blamed and accused. I tend to blame myself for

>almost anything and feel that what I do isn't good enough. I sometimes get

>nervous when faced with tasks I'm totally capable of doing, and then proceed to

>do. But sometimes this anxiety has gotten very bad. I was diagnosed with

anxiety

>disorder last fall and have been taking Prozac. I think this helps, but the

main

>things that have helped me immensely in the last two years have been

>psychotherapy, insight meditation, and taking up Buddhism as a spiritual path.

I

>can't tell you how revelatory and satisfying these things have been. I do a lot

>better with my anxiety and negative thoughts. I have so many more tools now and

>a lot of support.

>

> I've been taking this year to focus on my mental and spiritual health because

>in the past I've just pushed myself academically without doing that. I think

>they say children of BP's tend to ignore their own needs. So I have been doing

a

>lot of meditation retreats (they are healing, but they are quite demanding,

>don't think it's a vacation) and have been in therapy twice a week for maybe 6

>months now and it's been very, very good. I also just got into a process called

>Nonviolent Communication or NVC which is also very healing and I am planning on

>doing what they call an " Empathy Intensive " weekend workshop with them at the

>end of the month. I do many practices that focus on self-compassion which is

>really what I need. (Read " Self-Compassion " by Neff if you have not.

>Also " Radical Acceptance " by Tara Brach.)

>

> I would love comments on my mom and on dealing with being the child of a BP,

>which I'm going to say again is an extremely difficult thing to be, especially

>when you are little, living at home, and have no context for understanding it.

I

>have felt so alienated and frightened and angry. But now I'm learning about it,

>helping myself in a lot of ways, I'm an adult and live independently, and am

>nurturing a great and honest relationship with my father and with friends.

Being

>15, 16 was the worst. I got much of the literature, like Randi Kreger's books,

>on kindle on my iPod Touch, and I'm a voracious reader, so I'm going to dive

>into them this week.

>

> I'm so delighted and grateful to have this support. Stay strong everybody.

>Please share your tips and stories with me. I can't wait to get to know all of

>you.

> with lovingkindness,

> Rooster1106

>