Difficulty processing after therapy - *Warning: Possible loss trigger*

[Guest guest]

I started going to counseling almost a month ago. Every so often, something he

said will come back to me and I'll process through something I haven't thought

about before.

**I am discussing a miscarriage in this post and if that is triggering to you in

any way, do not feel obligated to read*

There was a tragic event that happened this weekend to my friend where I

discovered I had become consumed with protecting her emotions. It wasn't

something she did to me, and I will spare the details for time sake, but I

realized this morning that I was a little too consumed with trying to make her

feel better about herself.

As I was coming to this conclusion this morning and made a quick note to talk

about it this Friday at my T session, I remembered something my T said to me was

my mom had taken away from the me the ability to process MY own emotions. She

had trained me to always protect HER emotions and make sure she was feeling good

about herself and her environment.

That led me to recall my miscarriage last Spring. I have never really processed

through this before and I'm having a hard time thinking through it all so I

needed to write this out and maybe get some other perspectives because its

really heavy and I don't know who I could talk about it with.

All that to lead to my story:

Last May, my husband's parents took us all to Disney World. We had been trying

to get pregnant for a while and had a miscarriage that January. Right before we

left for Disney World, I found out I was pregnant again and it seemed like

everything was going to be ok with this pregnancy. We announced it to the family

once we thought we were " out of the woods " and they were of course so excited.

The very day we parked the RV in Fort Wilderness at Disney World, I began my

miscarriage. When my husband and I went to bed that night, I told him I was

pretty certain I was losing the baby. I said:

" Don't tell your family. I don't want to ruin everybody's trip. Let's just tell

them when we get back. "

My husband didn't like the idea, but respected my request. His family has always

loved me so much and shown me more parental love than either of my parents ever

did. But I was so consumed with not ruining everybody's trip with my " problem " .

For 7 days, I listened to my in-laws excitedly talk about the baby on the way.

For 7 days, I smiled and focused on my sweet two year old daughter having the

time of her life. I pretended my miscarriage wasn't happening.

I was physically exhausted from what was happening in my body but kept pushing

through the long days in the heat in the parks. A few days later, I had to say

goodbye to my baby in the most abhorrent place imaginable. I felt like I was in

a dream. Like it wasn't really happening. I felt so alone.

After we came home and told our parents, they kept pressing us for when it

happened. When I finally let the truth out that we lost the baby on the trip, my

husbands mom was really hurt. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell them.

When I told her I didn't want to ruin their trip she was so confused and kept

saying - " We're family. It doesn't matter. You should have told us " .

All this time, I've thought I did a noble thing by protecting the family from

grief on the vacation. And I'm realizing that trying to push away the emotion of

losing a pregnancy, a traumatic event of that magnitude, for the sake of

everyone else being happy is NOT NORMAL! Especially when all the people around

me were SAFE to grieve with and would have loved to comfort me and be there for

me.

I'm just not sure what to do with what I'm feeling right now. Am I totally off

base?

Do I need to explain to my mother in law...a year later?

I detest my mom's constant dramatics and self-centered attention seeking

behavior. And I'm so afraid of BEING that, I can't even accept love and

attention when I truly need it.

Its so deeply engrained in me that I have no emotions. The only emotions that

are important are others.

Thanks for listening. This is heavy. And thank you if you got to the bottom.

Much love to you guys.

[Guest guest]

>> I'm just not sure what to do with what I'm feeling right now. Am I totally

off base?

> Do I need to explain to my mother in law...a year later?

>

> I detest my mom's constant dramatics and self-centered attention seeking

behavior. And I'm so afraid of BEING that, I can't even accept love and

attention when I truly need it.

> Its so deeply engrained in me that I have no emotions. The only emotions that

are important are others.

Oh honey... my heart just aches for you!! I totally understand where you are

coming from!!! I have not lived through that exact thing of course but I sooo

understand. You feel strong enough that you can handle something so devastating

in basic silence, in order to make others feel ok - especially for the ones that

have shown they have no positive inner strength at all. It's selfless and

amazing in some ways, but so unhealthy and sad for you in others. I don't mean

that judgementally. I'm certainly no one to be giving advice as I am really

just starting my road to recovery with my nada situation! But I would think you

don't need to explain to your MIL unless you want to - it might be a little

cathartic to put it into words for them. They might be able to help you a

little by allowing you that safe place to grieve and FEEL your own emotions.

But if you don't want to or don't feel ready, I don't think there is any

pressing need. It sounds like they are wonderful and love and support you

regardless of their understanding or lack thereof, of your choices in handling

this.

No matter what you do I do think its good that you are processing your emotions

from that event, even if just to/for yourself...

(((hugs)))

*Star

[Guest guest]

> I'm just not sure what to do with what I'm feeling right now. Am I totally off

base?

> Do I need to explain to my mother in law...a year later?

>

No. You don't owe anyone any explanations. What you choose to tell people or

not tell them and when is entirely your decision.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Under the stress of a traumatic

experience, you made a judgment call. You know now that some of that decision

was based on your training as a KO, but probably most people revert to

instinct/training during stressful situations. It's understandable that you

would just try to survive it all as best you knew how. You didn't do anything

wrong.

It sounds like your in-laws are supportive and that you trust them. If you feel

comfortable talking about your pregnancy losses with them, I think that is ok,

but also you are not required to. How much you share with anyone, safe or not,

is completely up to you, and you're not a bad person if you want to keep

something private.

((hugs)) to you. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that.

[Guest guest]

You poor girl--how awful that must have been for you.

We react instinctively based on the foundation we built in childhood. You

reacted by soldering up and protecting everyone else.

You don't owe any explanations to anyone. Depending on how close you and your

MIL are, it might be cathartic for you to discuss what you were feeling and why.

Not to gain her sympathy, but more to explain where you've come from and why

relying on others doesn't come easy. You may find it a lovely bonding

experience, from one mom to another. Only you can know if you MIL might be open

to that discussion.

Whatever you decide, please stop beating yourself up. We work with the tools we

have, which are evolving and growing all the time. You did nothing wrong, and

were trying to protect everyone.

>

> I started going to counseling almost a month ago. Every so often, something he

said will come back to me and I'll process through something I haven't thought

about before.

>

> **I am discussing a miscarriage in this post and if that is triggering to you

in any way, do not feel obligated to read*

>

>

> There was a tragic event that happened this weekend to my friend where I

discovered I had become consumed with protecting her emotions. It wasn't

something she did to me, and I will spare the details for time sake, but I

realized this morning that I was a little too consumed with trying to make her

feel better about herself.

>

> As I was coming to this conclusion this morning and made a quick note to talk

about it this Friday at my T session, I remembered something my T said to me was

my mom had taken away from the me the ability to process MY own emotions. She

had trained me to always protect HER emotions and make sure she was feeling good

about herself and her environment.

>

> That led me to recall my miscarriage last Spring. I have never really

processed through this before and I'm having a hard time thinking through it all

so I needed to write this out and maybe get some other perspectives because its

really heavy and I don't know who I could talk about it with.

>

>

> All that to lead to my story:

>

> Last May, my husband's parents took us all to Disney World. We had been trying

to get pregnant for a while and had a miscarriage that January. Right before we

left for Disney World, I found out I was pregnant again and it seemed like

everything was going to be ok with this pregnancy. We announced it to the family

once we thought we were " out of the woods " and they were of course so excited.

>

> The very day we parked the RV in Fort Wilderness at Disney World, I began my

miscarriage. When my husband and I went to bed that night, I told him I was

pretty certain I was losing the baby. I said:

>

> " Don't tell your family. I don't want to ruin everybody's trip. Let's just

tell them when we get back. "

>

> My husband didn't like the idea, but respected my request. His family has

always loved me so much and shown me more parental love than either of my

parents ever did. But I was so consumed with not ruining everybody's trip with

my " problem " .

>

> For 7 days, I listened to my in-laws excitedly talk about the baby on the way.

For 7 days, I smiled and focused on my sweet two year old daughter having the

time of her life. I pretended my miscarriage wasn't happening.

> I was physically exhausted from what was happening in my body but kept pushing

through the long days in the heat in the parks. A few days later, I had to say

goodbye to my baby in the most abhorrent place imaginable. I felt like I was in

a dream. Like it wasn't really happening. I felt so alone.

>

> After we came home and told our parents, they kept pressing us for when it

happened. When I finally let the truth out that we lost the baby on the trip, my

husbands mom was really hurt. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell them.

When I told her I didn't want to ruin their trip she was so confused and kept

saying - " We're family. It doesn't matter. You should have told us " .

>

>

> All this time, I've thought I did a noble thing by protecting the family from

grief on the vacation. And I'm realizing that trying to push away the emotion of

losing a pregnancy, a traumatic event of that magnitude, for the sake of

everyone else being happy is NOT NORMAL! Especially when all the people around

me were SAFE to grieve with and would have loved to comfort me and be there for

me.

>

>

> I'm just not sure what to do with what I'm feeling right now. Am I totally off

base?

> Do I need to explain to my mother in law...a year later?

>

> I detest my mom's constant dramatics and self-centered attention seeking

behavior. And I'm so afraid of BEING that, I can't even accept love and

attention when I truly need it.

> Its so deeply engrained in me that I have no emotions. The only emotions that

are important are others.

>

> Thanks for listening. This is heavy. And thank you if you got to the bottom.

>

> Much love to you guys.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you for sharing this and hugs to you. I haven't had the same situation but

I have had similar ones where I have kept big stuff to myself so as not to upset

anyone else. I'm probably not really much help because I don't know that I am

beyond that point yet, but I did want to say that I completely related to how

you responded - minimising your own pain and experience and as a result behaving

in a way other people find difficult to comprehend (and in my case then feeling

worse for 'causing' that misunderstanding and hurting their feelings...sigh).

I guess my thought regarding explaining your actions to your MIL - and I mean

this gently, so I hope it doesn't come across as judgemental - is that by

feeling you need to discuss it with her 12 months on, it seems to me to be a

kind of continuation of the same thing - worrying about her feelings and feeling

like you need to justify yourself. Which, as others have said, you have no

obligation to do (but of course, speak to them about loosing your baby if you

feel you'd like to and that you'd be safe).

Hope you're ok.

>

> I started going to counseling almost a month ago. Every so often, something he

said will come back to me and I'll process through something I haven't thought

about before.

>

> **I am discussing a miscarriage in this post and if that is triggering to you

in any way, do not feel obligated to read*

>

>

> There was a tragic event that happened this weekend to my friend where I

discovered I had become consumed with protecting her emotions. It wasn't

something she did to me, and I will spare the details for time sake, but I

realized this morning that I was a little too consumed with trying to make her

feel better about herself.

>

> As I was coming to this conclusion this morning and made a quick note to talk

about it this Friday at my T session, I remembered something my T said to me was

my mom had taken away from the me the ability to process MY own emotions. She

had trained me to always protect HER emotions and make sure she was feeling good

about herself and her environment.

>

> That led me to recall my miscarriage last Spring. I have never really

processed through this before and I'm having a hard time thinking through it all

so I needed to write this out and maybe get some other perspectives because its

really heavy and I don't know who I could talk about it with.

>

>

> All that to lead to my story:

>

> Last May, my husband's parents took us all to Disney World. We had been trying

to get pregnant for a while and had a miscarriage that January. Right before we

left for Disney World, I found out I was pregnant again and it seemed like

everything was going to be ok with this pregnancy. We announced it to the family

once we thought we were " out of the woods " and they were of course so excited.

>

> The very day we parked the RV in Fort Wilderness at Disney World, I began my

miscarriage. When my husband and I went to bed that night, I told him I was

pretty certain I was losing the baby. I said:

>

> " Don't tell your family. I don't want to ruin everybody's trip. Let's just

tell them when we get back. "

>

> My husband didn't like the idea, but respected my request. His family has

always loved me so much and shown me more parental love than either of my

parents ever did. But I was so consumed with not ruining everybody's trip with

my " problem " .

>

> For 7 days, I listened to my in-laws excitedly talk about the baby on the way.

For 7 days, I smiled and focused on my sweet two year old daughter having the

time of her life. I pretended my miscarriage wasn't happening.

> I was physically exhausted from what was happening in my body but kept pushing

through the long days in the heat in the parks. A few days later, I had to say

goodbye to my baby in the most abhorrent place imaginable. I felt like I was in

a dream. Like it wasn't really happening. I felt so alone.

>

> After we came home and told our parents, they kept pressing us for when it

happened. When I finally let the truth out that we lost the baby on the trip, my

husbands mom was really hurt. She couldn't understand why I didn't tell them.

When I told her I didn't want to ruin their trip she was so confused and kept

saying - " We're family. It doesn't matter. You should have told us " .

>

>

> All this time, I've thought I did a noble thing by protecting the family from

grief on the vacation. And I'm realizing that trying to push away the emotion of

losing a pregnancy, a traumatic event of that magnitude, for the sake of

everyone else being happy is NOT NORMAL! Especially when all the people around

me were SAFE to grieve with and would have loved to comfort me and be there for

me.

>

>

> I'm just not sure what to do with what I'm feeling right now. Am I totally off

base?

> Do I need to explain to my mother in law...a year later?

>

> I detest my mom's constant dramatics and self-centered attention seeking

behavior. And I'm so afraid of BEING that, I can't even accept love and

attention when I truly need it.

> Its so deeply engrained in me that I have no emotions. The only emotions that

are important are others.

>

> Thanks for listening. This is heavy. And thank you if you got to the bottom.

>

> Much love to you guys.

>