Guest guest Posted June 5, 2011 Report Share Posted June 5, 2011 I just saw a therapist for the first time on Thurs and she gave me the Walking On Eggshells book to read before our next session, as my mother seems to be a classic BPD. Long story short, my mother and I have had issues for years, but fortunately I graduated High School at 17 and moved out immediately, never going back. This was good for me, I kept my mom arm's length for the most part. My father had a job where he was gone for 8-10 months out of the year, so their relationship has been odd. He just retired recently, however, and I am worried about him. My sister is 40 something and still lives at home with my mom. She has 0 self esteem and is miserable and morbidly obese. My sister and father are both enablers for my mom. They live on a small farm. I grew up with horses and had to put my childhood horse to sleep a few years ago. This year (in January)I found a wonderful horse at a rescue, and asked my father and mother to come have a look at him with me. He is a perfect match for me and I adopted him. However, he had a pasture mate as well, an older gelding that came from the same home as my horse, they had been buddies for 11 years. My mom adopted him on the spot. They are both kept on their property, which was a HUGE mistake on my part. I seemed to have forgotten how my mom behaved, and I had been letting her really get to me. I tried to be patient, but it was hard. Last Sunday we got into an argument about HER horse who I feel she is not treating very well. She doesn't do any work with him and disregarded the veterinarian's advice. I voiced my opinion and she got escalated/angry. She told me to have my horse out of the barn by July 1st, that he and I were no longer welcome. I said 'fine'. Here is a bit more background info...my horse is called , her horse is called Tyler. She loves to tell the rescue story, making it sound like Tyler would have died if we had not adopted him too (which is pretty far fetched). She tells the story to anyone who will listen. She is CONSTANTLY nervous and predicting the worst things imaginable for the horses. Things like 'what if they get struck by lightning when it storms next? or what if they colic and die from the stress of the heat/storm/whatever else she can think of'. When she has to leave somewhere, even as simple as church, she has to call my sister 2-3 times to 'check on the horses'. Granted, Tyler is 'buddy bound' to , and will make a small fuss if I take away from him. For example if I take him down to the round pen to work him, Tyler will call for him and pace, get a little excited/stressed, but then he relaxes after a while. Sorry if this seems rambling, but it will help the situation become more clear. So after Sunday I have been looking for a boarding stable to move to, since my mom told me to leave with him by July 1st. She sent me this email on Tuesday: Terri, This is the way it is! You are welcome to stay with ; only if you treat your mom and myself with respect and stop correcting Mom and quit being a miss know it all and abide by our rules. If you decide to take brandon off this property ; we will require a written statement from the rescue that you can. Also we will require a 24 hour notice before a trailer comes on our property to remove . If you can live with your decision leaving Tyler without Brondon not knowing the effect on both horses it will be on your conscience along with a strain on our relationships for a long time How can you be so cruel to Tyleer when you claim to be such an animal lover ! Dad and Mom I am fairly certain that my dad didn't write this letter, as my mom likes to use him as a puppet (not to his knowledge) to try to make her seem like she has more authority. I have found a lovely stable to move to, where I know he will be well taken care of and both of us will be happy. My mom makes him nervous with her constant stressing. I AM worried about Tyler, but in the long run, I think he will be just fine. The guilt of separating them is making me feel just awful though. I am unable to speak to my father because my mom is always home or with him, she even answers his cell. I have no idea how to approach her on moving . I feel like a scared little kid. I am worried she will go to such extremes that she will call the police, or something equally dramatic. Any help at all would be so appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hi Terri, When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom. It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as if they had become " tools " . If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer. If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the future. At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you are making the right decision. It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe. I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too. As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is totally normal and valid to have these feelings. You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she WILL act out big time. Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you. I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But you will come out a better and stronger person in the end. Good luck, Coralie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Hi Terrie, This is classic BPD. My parents used the animals and my grandparents all the time to maniplulate me. I have seen other BPDs manipulate using money, or dangling bait like college tuition. I think if you read Emotional Blackmail, you will be able to diagram her manipulations like a sentance on a black board. I would move my horse without saying another word to her about it. I would not respond to further guilt trips. If you do want to take Tyler, I suspect she might lose interest in him if you stop reacting, just wait a while. She will probably lose all interest in the horses if you stop responding when you push her buttons. The letter she wrote is immature and immeasurable. How is someone supposed to know if she is being a " miss smarty pants. " someone who communicates well would say " I felt X when you said X. I want you to understand how I feel. " Does the adoption agency require notice? I probably wouldn't bother with it. I'd just get my trailer, pull it up, load my horse and drive away. You probably know her habits well and you can go at a time when she will not be home or will be sleeping (though expect she will tell all of your mutual acquantances how you snuck up in the dead of night and stole HER horse and ruined Tyler's life). If you think that she will try to put a padlock on the gate or something, look into the property laws in your state and follow them to the letter and get the cops involved at the earliest possible point. Those are my tips. You have a doozy of a nada and I'm sorry. But enjoy your horse and move on with your life. Good luck, girlscout > > > Hi Terri, > > When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom. > It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as > if they had become " tools " . > If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any > means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for > any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer. > If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move > the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will > most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the > future. > At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you > are making the right decision. > > It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set > boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe. > > I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in > the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too. > > As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is > totally normal and valid to have these feelings. > You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP > Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she > WILL act out big time. > > Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you. > > I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a > father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But > you will come out a better and stronger person in the end. > > Good luck, > Coralie > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Girlscouts suggestion re checking property laws is an excellent one. You may HAVE to give them the 24-hour notice they demanded before you go on the property to remove your horse. If theres nothing in the law that says you have to, I wouldnt - advance notice just gives her more time for crazy. You might even plan to go when you know she's not there - like when she's at church (oh, the irony...). I also suggest you take a friend with you - a calm, strong-natured friend - to act as a buffer and a witness. Sometimes my Nada acts slightly better if she has a stranger in the audience. As for the horses, they have proved resilient so far. They might surprise you - and sometimes as KOs we have to choose the ditch we want to die in. Feel guilty about the horses or let your mother drive you slowly and painfully insane? Keep us posted. > > > > > > > Hi Terri, > > > > When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom. > > It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as > > if they had become " tools " . > > If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any > > means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for > > any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer. > > If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move > > the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will > > most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the > > future. > > At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you > > are making the right decision. > > > > It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set > > boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe. > > > > I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in > > the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too. > > > > As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is > > totally normal and valid to have these feelings. > > You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP > > Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she > > WILL act out big time. > > > > Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you. > > > > I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a > > father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But > > you will come out a better and stronger person in the end. > > > > Good luck, > > Coralie > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 7, 2011 Report Share Posted June 7, 2011 Isn't this classic behavior? My nada does this all the time, dangling that little trinket out in front of your nose and then...woosh...lock it up so you can't have it. So there. spiteful, vindictive, childish...typical. I agree with girlscout " ... I suspect she might lose interest in him if you stop reacting, just wait a while. She will probably lose all interest in the horses if you stop responding... ________________________________ To: WTOAdultChildren1 Sent: Tue, June 7, 2011 1:07:07 PM Subject: Re: Hi, I am new and maybe need some advice. Girlscouts suggestion re checking property laws is an excellent one. You may HAVE to give them the 24-hour notice they demanded before you go on the property to remove your horse. If theres nothing in the law that says you have to, I wouldnt - advance notice just gives her more time for crazy. You might even plan to go when you know she's not there - like when she's at church (oh, the irony...). I also suggest you take a friend with you - a calm, strong-natured friend - to act as a buffer and a witness. Sometimes my Nada acts slightly better if she has a stranger in the audience. As for the horses, they have proved resilient so far. They might surprise you - and sometimes as KOs we have to choose the ditch we want to die in. Feel guilty about the horses or let your mother drive you slowly and painfully insane? Keep us posted. > > > > > > > Hi Terri, > > > > When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom. > > It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as > > if they had become " tools " . > > If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any > > means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for > > any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer. > > If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move > > the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will > > most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the > > future. > > At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you > > are making the right decision. > > > > It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set > > boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe. > > > > I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in > > the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too. > > > > As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is > > totally normal and valid to have these feelings. > > You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP > > Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she > > WILL act out big time. > > > > Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you. > > > > I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a > > father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But > > you will come out a better and stronger person in the end. > > > > Good luck, > > Coralie > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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