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Hi, I am new and maybe need some advice.

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I just saw a therapist for the first time on Thurs and she gave me the Walking

On Eggshells book to read before our next session, as my mother seems to be a

classic BPD.

Long story short, my mother and I have had issues for years, but fortunately I

graduated High School at 17 and moved out immediately, never going back. This

was good for me, I kept my mom arm's length for the most part.

My father had a job where he was gone for 8-10 months out of the year, so their

relationship has been odd. He just retired recently, however, and I am worried

about him.

My sister is 40 something and still lives at home with my mom. She has 0 self

esteem and is miserable and morbidly obese.

My sister and father are both enablers for my mom.

They live on a small farm. I grew up with horses and had to put my childhood

horse to sleep a few years ago. This year (in January)I found a wonderful horse

at a rescue, and asked my father and mother to come have a look at him with me.

He is a perfect match for me and I adopted him. However, he had a pasture mate

as well, an older gelding that came from the same home as my horse, they had

been buddies for 11 years. My mom adopted him on the spot.

They are both kept on their property, which was a HUGE mistake on my part. I

seemed to have forgotten how my mom behaved, and I had been letting her really

get to me. I tried to be patient, but it was hard. Last Sunday we got into an

argument about HER horse who I feel she is not treating very well. She doesn't

do any work with him and disregarded the veterinarian's advice. I voiced my

opinion and she got escalated/angry.

She told me to have my horse out of the barn by July 1st, that he and I were no

longer welcome. I said 'fine'.

Here is a bit more background info...my horse is called , her horse is

called Tyler. She loves to tell the rescue story, making it sound like Tyler

would have died if we had not adopted him too (which is pretty far fetched).

She tells the story to anyone who will listen.

She is CONSTANTLY nervous and predicting the worst things imaginable for the

horses. Things like 'what if they get struck by lightning when it storms next?

or what if they colic and die from the stress of the heat/storm/whatever else

she can think of'. When she has to leave somewhere, even as simple as church,

she has to call my sister 2-3 times to 'check on the horses'.

Granted, Tyler is 'buddy bound' to , and will make a small fuss if I take

away from him. For example if I take him down to the round pen to work

him, Tyler will call for him and pace, get a little excited/stressed, but then

he relaxes after a while.

Sorry if this seems rambling, but it will help the situation become more clear.

So after Sunday I have been looking for a boarding stable to move to,

since my mom told me to leave with him by July 1st.

She sent me this email on Tuesday:

Terri,

This is the way it is! You are welcome to stay with ; only if you treat

your mom and myself with respect and stop correcting Mom and quit being a

miss know it all and abide by our rules.

If you decide to take brandon off this property ; we will require a written

statement from the rescue that you can. Also we will require a 24 hour notice

before a trailer comes on our property to remove .

If you can live with your decision leaving Tyler without Brondon not knowing the

effect on both horses it will be on your conscience along with a strain on our

relationships for a long time How can you be so cruel to Tyleer when you claim

to be such an animal lover !

Dad and Mom

I am fairly certain that my dad didn't write this letter, as my mom likes to use

him as a puppet (not to his knowledge) to try to make her seem like she has more

authority.

I have found a lovely stable to move to, where I know he will be well

taken care of and both of us will be happy. My mom makes him nervous with her

constant stressing. I AM worried about Tyler, but in the long run, I think he

will be just fine.

The guilt of separating them is making me feel just awful though.

I am unable to speak to my father because my mom is always home or with him, she

even answers his cell.

I have no idea how to approach her on moving . I feel like a scared

little kid. I am worried she will go to such extremes that she will call the

police, or something equally dramatic.

Any help at all would be so appreciated. :(

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Hi Terri,

When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom. It

seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as if they

had become " tools " .

If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any means

stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for any of

the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer.

If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move the

both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will most

likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the future.

At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you are

making the right decision.

It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set

boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe.

I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in the

horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too.

As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is totally

normal and valid to have these feelings.

You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP Mom,

probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she WILL act out

big time.

Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you.

I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a father and

brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But you will come out

a better and stronger person in the end.

Good luck,

Coralie

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Hi Terrie,

This is classic BPD. My parents used the animals and my grandparents all the

time to maniplulate me. I have seen other BPDs manipulate using money, or

dangling bait like college tuition. I think if you read Emotional Blackmail,

you will be able to diagram her manipulations like a sentance on a black

board.

I would move my horse without saying another word to her about it. I would

not respond to further guilt trips.

If you do want to take Tyler, I suspect she might lose interest in him if

you stop reacting, just wait a while. She will probably lose all interest in

the horses if you stop responding when you push her buttons.

The letter she wrote is immature and immeasurable. How is someone supposed

to know if she is being a " miss smarty pants. " someone who communicates well

would say " I felt X when you said X. I want you to understand how I feel. "

Does the adoption agency require notice? I probably wouldn't bother with it.

I'd just get my trailer, pull it up, load my horse and drive away. You

probably know her habits well and you can go at a time when she will not be

home or will be sleeping (though expect she will tell all of your mutual

acquantances how you snuck up in the dead of night and stole HER horse and

ruined Tyler's life). If you think that she will try to put a padlock on the

gate or something, look into the property laws in your state and follow them

to the letter and get the cops involved at the earliest possible point.

Those are my tips. You have a doozy of a nada and I'm sorry. But enjoy your

horse and move on with your life. Good luck, girlscout

>

>

> Hi Terri,

>

> When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom.

> It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as

> if they had become " tools " .

> If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any

> means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for

> any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer.

> If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move

> the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will

> most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the

> future.

> At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you

> are making the right decision.

>

> It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set

> boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe.

>

> I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in

> the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too.

>

> As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is

> totally normal and valid to have these feelings.

> You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP

> Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she

> WILL act out big time.

>

> Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you.

>

> I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a

> father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But

> you will come out a better and stronger person in the end.

>

> Good luck,

> Coralie

>

>

>

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Girlscouts suggestion re checking property laws is an excellent one. You may

HAVE to give them the 24-hour notice they demanded before you go on the property

to remove your horse. If theres nothing in the law that says you have to, I

wouldnt - advance notice just gives her more time for crazy. You might even plan

to go when you know she's not there - like when she's at church (oh, the

irony...). I also suggest you take a friend with you - a calm, strong-natured

friend - to act as a buffer and a witness. Sometimes my Nada acts slightly

better if she has a stranger in the audience. As for the horses, they have

proved resilient so far. They might surprise you - and sometimes as KOs we have

to choose the ditch we want to die in. Feel guilty about the horses or let your

mother drive you slowly and painfully insane? Keep us posted.

>

> >

> >

> > Hi Terri,

> >

> > When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom.

> > It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as

> > if they had become " tools " .

> > If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any

> > means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for

> > any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer.

> > If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move

> > the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will

> > most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the

> > future.

> > At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you

> > are making the right decision.

> >

> > It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set

> > boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe.

> >

> > I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in

> > the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too.

> >

> > As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is

> > totally normal and valid to have these feelings.

> > You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP

> > Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she

> > WILL act out big time.

> >

> > Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you.

> >

> > I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a

> > father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But

> > you will come out a better and stronger person in the end.

> >

> > Good luck,

> > Coralie

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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Isn't this classic behavior? My nada does this all the time, dangling that

little trinket out in front of your nose and then...woosh...lock it up so you

can't have it. So there. spiteful, vindictive, childish...typical. I agree with

girlscout " ... I suspect she might lose interest in him if you stop reacting,

just wait a while. She will probably lose all interest in the horses if you stop

responding...

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tue, June 7, 2011 1:07:07 PM

Subject: Re: Hi, I am new and maybe need some advice.

Girlscouts suggestion re checking property laws is an excellent one. You may

HAVE to give them the 24-hour notice they demanded before you go on the property

to remove your horse. If theres nothing in the law that says you have to, I

wouldnt - advance notice just gives her more time for crazy. You might even plan

to go when you know she's not there - like when she's at church (oh, the

irony...). I also suggest you take a friend with you - a calm, strong-natured

friend - to act as a buffer and a witness. Sometimes my Nada acts slightly

better if she has a stranger in the audience. As for the horses, they have

proved resilient so far. They might surprise you - and sometimes as KOs we have

to choose the ditch we want to die in. Feel guilty about the horses or let your

mother drive you slowly and painfully insane? Keep us posted.

>

> >

> >

> > Hi Terri,

> >

> > When I read your story I feel like you are totally manipulated by your Mom.

> > It seems to me that the horses have become a way for her to control you, as

> > if they had become " tools " .

> > If you have taken a decision to move your horse to another farm, by any

> > means stay strong and firm. I understand this is not a perfect situation for

> > any of the horses, and it is really sad that they have to suffer.

> > If you feel like they have to stay together, you could either try to move

> > the both of them, or leave your horse at your Mom's farm knowing she will

> > most likely use him to guilt you and manipulate you furthermore in the

> > future.

> > At the end of the day, I think you need to protect yourself. So I think you

> > are making the right decision.

> >

> > It is an example of setting boundaries, in my opinion. You need to set

> > boundaries that allow you to feel protected and safe.

> >

> > I wouldn't be surprised that in a year or so, your Mom loses interest in

> > the horse, and ask you to take care of her horse too.

> >

> > As for the part where you are scared of her reactions, I think it is

> > totally normal and valid to have these feelings.

> > You taking your horse away most likely will be a huge trigger for your BP

> > Mom, probably waking up some abandonment fears, so yeah, my guess is she

> > WILL act out big time.

> >

> > Be prepared and be strong. Know you are doing the right thing for you.

> >

> > I am sorry that you don't have an " ally " in your family, I too have a

> > father and brother that are enablers to my BP Mom, I know it is hard. But

> > you will come out a better and stronger person in the end.

> >

> > Good luck,

> > Coralie

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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