Fada and my Financial Life

June 8, 2011

I've just become independent, living away from home (YAY!) and I am enjoying my

PEACE and freedom for the time being. Now I can set more limits with my bpd

parents and still feel safe since I am physically far from them.

But for now, the phone calls still have their impact on me...

Please tell me if this is me just being paranoid or a reasonable concern:

Last night on the phone with fada, he says that he has emailed me a sheet that

tells me how to budget my money. He has it down penny by penny. He knows how

much I make, and wants to know the exact dollar amount in my bank account.

Tonight we're going to talk about how to spread out my money and help me save

since I'm not making too much.

Sounds innocent and helpful for now, right? My only concern is that, knowing

him, this can eventually become some tool for manipulating me. That he will know

how much I have and how much I spend and how much I save and somehow use that to

his advantage sometime in the next year. I could always use help budgeting, but

I think it's a little much for him to know how much I have and how I plan to

spend every penny. I don't want to get into financial trouble, but at the same

time, I don't want to make it seem like I'm completely dependent on him for all

my financial concerns. To be independent from him financially is one of the

reasons I moved out in the first place.

What to do? Anyone else deal with this before?

June 8, 2011

No that doesn't sound even slightly innocent and helpful. It sounds nosy and

intrusive.

There are tons of community programs that can help you budget. And books

too. I'd just say, thanks dad but I've enrolled in a class to help me with

this. Its taught by an accountant and so I'm all set.

I wouldn't let anyone look at my money!!!! It's yours and that's a boundary!

>

> I've just become independent, living away from home (YAY!) and I am

> enjoying my PEACE and freedom for the time being. Now I can set more limits

> with my bpd parents and still feel safe since I am physically far from them.

>

> But for now, the phone calls still have their impact on me...

>

> Please tell me if this is me just being paranoid or a reasonable concern:

> Last night on the phone with fada, he says that he has emailed me a sheet

> that tells me how to budget my money. He has it down penny by penny. He

> knows how much I make, and wants to know the exact dollar amount in my bank

> account. Tonight we're going to talk about how to spread out my money and

> help me save since I'm not making too much.

>

> Sounds innocent and helpful for now, right? My only concern is that,

> knowing him, this can eventually become some tool for manipulating me. That

> he will know how much I have and how much I spend and how much I save and

> somehow use that to his advantage sometime in the next year. I could always

> use help budgeting, but I think it's a little much for him to know how much

> I have and how I plan to spend every penny. I don't want to get into

> financial trouble, but at the same time, I don't want to make it seem like

> I'm completely dependent on him for all my financial concerns. To be

> independent from him financially is one of the reasons I moved out in the

> first place.

>

> What to do? Anyone else deal with this before?

>

June 8, 2011

>> Please tell me if this is me just being paranoid or a reasonable concern:

> Last night on the phone with fada, he says that he has emailed me a sheet that

tells me how to budget my money. He has it down penny by penny. He knows how

much I make, and wants to know the exact dollar amount in my bank account.

Tonight we're going to talk about how to spread out my money and help me save

since I'm not making too much.

>

> Sounds innocent and helpful for now, right? My only concern is that, knowing

him, this can eventually become some tool for manipulating me.

It sounds like you are feeling uncomfortable with the amount of personal

financial information your father wants from you. I think it is reasonable to

want to keep things like that private. It's really no one's business but your

own.

Are you asking your dad for help with this stuff, or has he simply volunteered

himself to be your personal financial advisor?

If you have not asked for help, you can tell him you want the opportunity to do

this on your own and will ask him for help if you come across something you

can't figure out.

If you did ask for help, you might consider using a set of hypothetical data:

have him show you what he would do and explain his thought process using an

imaginary person's information as an example. You can plug in your own

information on your own later and don't have to share any of it.

You know that saying, " Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day; teach him

how to fish and he can eat for the rest of his life? " It sounds like your dad

is still trying to catch your fish for you. I thought it sounded pretty creepy

that he wants to know about your every penny! I think you are right that this

way of doing things will keep you dependent. I don't think it sounds " innocent

and helpful " at all, personally, even if he's not trying to be overtly

malicious. It doesn't sound healthy.

Also, there are professionals who teach people how to budget and manage their

money. Sometimes, cities or churches even provide workshops or info on that kind

of thing for free or very little cost. If you feel like these are skills you

need to learn, there's nothing that says it has to be your father who teaches

you. You are old enough to look for help on your own when you need it.

June 8, 2011

Given your family history, this doesn't sound at all innocent

and helpful to me. At best, it sounds like he wants to keep you

dependent on him for help in managing your money. At worst it

sounds like an effort to control how you spend your money and a

way to find out private details of your life that are none of

his business. If you need help learning to budget, take a class

and/or check out and read some books from the library. If your

fada does have some credentials that make him a knowledgable

financial adviser, let him give you general advice without

telling him any details about your finances and personal life.

At 07:36 AM 06/08/2011 newlife9871 wrote:

>I've just become independent, living away from home (YAY!) and

>I am enjoying my PEACE and freedom for the time being. Now I

>can set more limits with my bpd parents and still feel safe

>since I am physically far from them.

>

>But for now, the phone calls still have their impact on me...

>

>Please tell me if this is me just being paranoid or a

>reasonable concern:

>Last night on the phone with fada, he says that he has emailed

>me a sheet that tells me how to budget my money. He has it down

>penny by penny. He knows how much I make, and wants to know the

>exact dollar amount in my bank account. Tonight we're going to

>talk about how to spread out my money and help me save since

>I'm not making too much.

>

>Sounds innocent and helpful for now, right? My only concern is

>that, knowing him, this can eventually become some tool for

>manipulating me. That he will know how much I have and how much

>I spend and how much I save and somehow use that to his

>advantage sometime in the next year. I could always use help

>budgeting, but I think it's a little much for him to know how

>much I have and how I plan to spend every penny. I don't want

>to get into financial trouble, but at the same time, I don't

>want to make it seem like I'm completely dependent on him for

>all my financial concerns. To be independent from him

>financially is one of the reasons I moved out in the first

>place.

>

>What to do? Anyone else deal with this before?

--

Katrina

June 8, 2011

Exactly what I was going to ask: is this something your fada initiated or did

you ask him for advice on planning your budget?

I think the approaches that svaktsha has outlined are very workable.

While its normal for a normal parent to want to advise their newly-fledged adult

child RE developing a workable, realistic budget in a general or abstract way,

its not normal for your fada to demand to know how every penny you earn is

spent. That's intrusive and way too controlling. Even relatively normal,

mentally healthy parents sometimes have a hard time " letting go " when the kids

go off on their own for the first time.

So, your instincts are correct. Its your money, and your responsibility; you

can ask fada for advice and you can choose whether or not to listen to his

advice (solicited or unsolicited).

You get to say, " Thanks dad, but I've got a handle on it. "

-Annie

> >> Please tell me if this is me just being paranoid or a reasonable concern:

> > Last night on the phone with fada, he says that he has emailed me a sheet

that tells me how to budget my money. He has it down penny by penny. He knows

how much I make, and wants to know the exact dollar amount in my bank account.

Tonight we're going to talk about how to spread out my money and help me save

since I'm not making too much.

> >

> > Sounds innocent and helpful for now, right? My only concern is that, knowing

him, this can eventually become some tool for manipulating me.

>

> It sounds like you are feeling uncomfortable with the amount of personal

financial information your father wants from you. I think it is reasonable to

want to keep things like that private. It's really no one's business but your

own.

>

> Are you asking your dad for help with this stuff, or has he simply volunteered

himself to be your personal financial advisor?

>

> If you have not asked for help, you can tell him you want the opportunity to

do this on your own and will ask him for help if you come across something you

can't figure out.

>

> If you did ask for help, you might consider using a set of hypothetical data:

have him show you what he would do and explain his thought process using an

imaginary person's information as an example. You can plug in your own

information on your own later and don't have to share any of it.

>

> You know that saying, " Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day; teach him

how to fish and he can eat for the rest of his life? " It sounds like your dad

is still trying to catch your fish for you. I thought it sounded pretty creepy

that he wants to know about your every penny! I think you are right that this

way of doing things will keep you dependent. I don't think it sounds " innocent

and helpful " at all, personally, even if he's not trying to be overtly

malicious. It doesn't sound healthy.

>

> Also, there are professionals who teach people how to budget and manage their

money. Sometimes, cities or churches even provide workshops or info on that kind

of thing for free or very little cost. If you feel like these are skills you

need to learn, there's nothing that says it has to be your father who teaches

you. You are old enough to look for help on your own when you need it.

>

June 8, 2011

this is a boundary violation.

Can you do the budgeting yourself? I would not involve him in your finances at

all. It is a tool of control. You could tell him that you have a friend who is

an accountant and they are helping you fill out the sheet.

I don't see any point in confronting him, in other words you don't owe him an

explanation about why you aren't utilizing his help, I just don't think it's a

good idea.

>

> I've just become independent, living away from home (YAY!) and I am enjoying

my PEACE and freedom for the time being. Now I can set more limits with my bpd