Need help dealing with stepmother, not BPD but still aggravating

June 8, 2011

Hi guys, I know I've been away for awhile; I moved to another state, started a

new job, and have just been busy dealing with that. No time for crazy nada. I

haven't located a new therapist yet, and I was wondering some advice on how to

deal with this situation.

My stepmother is like Eeyore. She has a negative response to everything. If I

call her and I'm happy about something I'm doing, or a good deal I found, or any

positive thing, she finds a way to rain on my parade. Or she keeps harping on

something. For example, recently, I moved to a very rainy state from Southern

California. I called her and my dad because I needed to reaffirm why I chose to

move, because I was depressed that it had rained almost every day for two weeks,

and I missed the sun. Also, I was down because I still hadn't moved into my

house and was staying with a co-worker, which was getting on my nerves. So I

tell her that I'm feeling down, that it has rained a lot and I miss the sun, and

I'm second-guessing my choice, and she starts going on about how the weather is

only going to get worse, the days are just going to get shorter, and I try to

argue with her that it's not going to snow for a while yet and the days will

still be plenty long through even September, and she keeps trying to tell me how

horrible the weather and light is going to be, and I realize that I just have to

stop the conversation otherwise I'm going to get really upset and maybe be mean.

So I say, " okay, I can't talk about this right now. " Then SHE says " fine " , and

as I start to try and re-iterate that it's just depressing me further so she

won't think I'm just being rude, SHE hangs up.

Then yesterday, I found a cheap couch and chair on Craigslist that were both in

good condition, just needed a little dusting off, possibly a little wash down,

but nonetheless, good for my uses. A little backgroun, I'm also the type of

person who doesn't like to go buy new stuff right off the bat. I may not stay in

the house I'm renting (although so far so good), but I do need some furniture. I

also have strong opinions about consumerism, so I like it if I can find used

items that aren't too beat up. Anyways, I sent her pics of the couch and chair,

and she sends some snippy, snide remark that " okay, personally, I don't like to

buy used upholstered items because I don't know how they've been used or where

they've been. But you can see if it works for you. "

Now, there is no remark in there like " I'm happy you found something you like "

or anything, even if she doesn't like the items I found. I wasn't asking her

opinion, just sharing. So I responded, " okay, I just won't bother sharing

anymore. "

Her response to that was " how was my response negative? I just said that I don't

like to buy used stuff. And I closed by saying I hoped it worked out for you. "

My response was: " I wasn't asking your advice. Just sharing my furniture with

you. It's just like the other night when I said the rain was getting me down,

then you proceeded to talk about how short the days would be and how cold, etc.

The focusing on the negative stuff is not working for me. That's all. "

Then she sent me a response this morning: " , I am very sorry you are

misinterpreting my conversations/statements. Yes, and you rudely cut our

conversation short. You had just said you were getting ready to go to bed and

the sun was still out and I wondered out loud if that means the days would be

very short in the winter time. Just conversation, just my reaction to your

statement. I wish you would just think about what is being said rather than

insert some kind of negative connotation to everything. Lately it's been very

difficult to carry on a conversation b/c even the most innocuous of remarks or

statements seem to send you off. We can talk about this or you can decide not

to talk to me – it's up to you. "

I do not believe I am misinterpreting her statements. She responds to EVERY

SINGLE thing with a negative response. She's not satisfied if she hasn't rained

on my parade. I did not rudely cut the conversation short, I tried to change the

subject and she hung up on me. And she did not just wonder out loud about the

days being short, she kept pushing it on me, even as I protested that it was

making me feel worse. It is totally pissing me off that she is telling me that I

need to think about what is being said. She needs to think about what she is

saying within the conversation. Why would you harp on bad weather when someone

says that it's depressing them? Ug!

And add to that that whenever I talk to her, I also talk to my dad (usually both

on speaker phone) and he can't hold any conversation. His version of

conversation is to interrogate me and act like he believes I'm still a five year

old who needs his permission to live my life. I even called him on it last time

I spoke to him, and he said I should just get over it, and I said " no " I will

not get over it. I will stop the conversation every time you do this, because it

is not acceptable to me. I want to enjoy talking to you, and this is not

enjoyable to me.

So, this is the response I have crafted to stepmother, but not sure I will send

it. Probably won't, but I would like some feedback on how to respond, if I

should at all.

" And I wish you would do the same: think about what you are saying in the

conversation. I specifically said I was feeling down and you went off on the

weather and length of days even as I protested you to stop, but you clearly

don't recall that, or the fact that when I said: I can't talk about this

anymore, YOU were the one who said 'fine' and hung up instantaneously, before I

could even explain why I didn't want to talk about it. But you were just going

on with your own 'wondering' without even hearing that I was saying I was

feeling depressed. You can call me names all you want; if I need to take care of

myself in a conversation by ending it, then I will do so. I'm sorry you don't

understand this.

It has been very difficult to talk to both you and dad lately, because if you

aren't trying to point out lots of negative stuff and make me feel bad about my

decisions, then dad is interrogating me like a 5 year old child.

You might think little things are setting me off, but the way I see it, you

respond negatively to everything I say, which is frustrating and tiring for me.

Im sorry you feel that 'little things' are setting me off, but I'm trying to

keep my sanity in the midst of the stress of a move and new job, and they are

not 'little things' to me when I call to speak to my family for comfort and they

do nothing but add to the stress with negativity.

If you think I was misinterpreting your email about the couch, you need to read

your own email again. The tone is extremely judgmental, and you closed with a

backhanded kind of comment of 'maybe it will work for you'. I can't believe you

think that was a positive statement. You can call these little things, but when

every conversation is this way, negative little remarks that I have to defend

against, it is very tiring for me. "

What do you all think? I know it's not a BPD issue, but it's my disfunctional

family that doesn't understand boundaries in the slightest. But that doesn't

mean I have to accept their inability to have boundaries in their lives.

Thanks,

June 8, 2011

What's that old saying - you can't milk honey from a rock or something like

that?

I think you are turning to someone for support who has no support to give.

I'd go medium chill on her ass and look for a good friend to talk to

instead. Talk to us while you make friends. I know you need support right

now its a big change. HUUUUUUUUUUGS We love you !!!!! Proud of you for

taking the new job. I always always always buy used stuff - I'm

anti-consumerism and its also a great way to make your home and

wardrobe unique.

>

> Hi guys, I know I've been away for awhile; I moved to another state,

> started a new job, and have just been busy dealing with that. No time for

> crazy nada. I haven't located a new therapist yet, and I was wondering some

> advice on how to deal with this situation.

>

> My stepmother is like Eeyore. She has a negative response to everything. If

> I call her and I'm happy about something I'm doing, or a good deal I found,

> or any positive thing, she finds a way to rain on my parade. Or she keeps

> harping on something. For example, recently, I moved to a very rainy state

> from Southern California. I called her and my dad because I needed to

> reaffirm why I chose to move, because I was depressed that it had rained

> almost every day for two weeks, and I missed the sun. Also, I was down

> because I still hadn't moved into my house and was staying with a co-worker,

> which was getting on my nerves. So I tell her that I'm feeling down, that it

> has rained a lot and I miss the sun, and I'm second-guessing my choice, and

> she starts going on about how the weather is only going to get worse, the

> days are just going to get shorter, and I try to argue with her that it's

> not going to snow for a while yet and the days will still be plenty long

> through even September, and she keeps trying to tell me how horrible the

> weather and light is going to be, and I realize that I just have to stop the

> conversation otherwise I'm going to get really upset and maybe be mean. So I

> say, " okay, I can't talk about this right now. " Then SHE says " fine " , and as

> I start to try and re-iterate that it's just depressing me further so she

> won't think I'm just being rude, SHE hangs up.

>

> Then yesterday, I found a cheap couch and chair on Craigslist that were

> both in good condition, just needed a little dusting off, possibly a little

> wash down, but nonetheless, good for my uses. A little backgroun, I'm also

> the type of person who doesn't like to go buy new stuff right off the bat. I

> may not stay in the house I'm renting (although so far so good), but I do

> need some furniture. I also have strong opinions about consumerism, so I

> like it if I can find used items that aren't too beat up. Anyways, I sent

> her pics of the couch and chair, and she sends some snippy, snide remark

> that " okay, personally, I don't like to buy used upholstered items because I

> don't know how they've been used or where they've been. But you can see if

> it works for you. "

>

> Now, there is no remark in there like " I'm happy you found something you

> like " or anything, even if she doesn't like the items I found. I wasn't

> asking her opinion, just sharing. So I responded, " okay, I just won't bother

> sharing anymore. "

>

> Her response to that was " how was my response negative? I just said that I

> don't like to buy used stuff. And I closed by saying I hoped it worked out

> for you. "

>

> My response was: " I wasn't asking your advice. Just sharing my furniture

> with you. It's just like the other night when I said the rain was getting me

> down, then you proceeded to talk about how short the days would be and how

> cold, etc. The focusing on the negative stuff is not working for me. That's

> all. "

>

> Then she sent me a response this morning: " , I am very sorry you are

> misinterpreting my conversations/statements. Yes, and you rudely cut our

> conversation short. You had just said you were getting ready to go to bed

> and the sun was still out and I wondered out loud if that means the days

> would be very short in the winter time. Just conversation, just my reaction

> to your statement. I wish you would just think about what is being said

> rather than insert some kind of negative connotation to everything. Lately

> it's been very difficult to carry on a conversation b/c even the most

> innocuous of remarks or statements seem to send you off. We can talk about

> this or you can decide not to talk to me – it's up to you. "

>

> I do not believe I am misinterpreting her statements. She responds to EVERY

> SINGLE thing with a negative response. She's not satisfied if she hasn't

> rained on my parade. I did not rudely cut the conversation short, I tried to

> change the subject and she hung up on me. And she did not just wonder out

> loud about the days being short, she kept pushing it on me, even as I

> protested that it was making me feel worse. It is totally pissing me off

> that she is telling me that I need to think about what is being said. She

> needs to think about what she is saying within the conversation. Why would

> you harp on bad weather when someone says that it's depressing them? Ug!

>

> And add to that that whenever I talk to her, I also talk to my dad (usually

> both on speaker phone) and he can't hold any conversation. His version of

> conversation is to interrogate me and act like he believes I'm still a five

> year old who needs his permission to live my life. I even called him on it

> last time I spoke to him, and he said I should just get over it, and I said

> " no " I will not get over it. I will stop the conversation every time you do

> this, because it is not acceptable to me. I want to enjoy talking to you,

> and this is not enjoyable to me.

>

> So, this is the response I have crafted to stepmother, but not sure I will

> send it. Probably won't, but I would like some feedback on how to respond,

> if I should at all.

>

> " And I wish you would do the same: think about what you are saying in the

> conversation. I specifically said I was feeling down and you went off on the

> weather and length of days even as I protested you to stop, but you clearly

> don't recall that, or the fact that when I said: I can't talk about this

> anymore, YOU were the one who said 'fine' and hung up instantaneously,

> before I could even explain why I didn't want to talk about it. But you were

> just going on with your own 'wondering' without even hearing that I was

> saying I was feeling depressed. You can call me names all you want; if I

> need to take care of myself in a conversation by ending it, then I will do

> so. I'm sorry you don't understand this.

>

> It has been very difficult to talk to both you and dad lately, because if

> you aren't trying to point out lots of negative stuff and make me feel bad

> about my decisions, then dad is interrogating me like a 5 year old child.

>

> You might think little things are setting me off, but the way I see it, you

> respond negatively to everything I say, which is frustrating and tiring for

> me. Im sorry you feel that 'little things' are setting me off, but I'm

> trying to keep my sanity in the midst of the stress of a move and new job,

> and they are not 'little things' to me when I call to speak to my family for

> comfort and they do nothing but add to the stress with negativity.

>

> If you think I was misinterpreting your email about the couch, you need to

> read your own email again. The tone is extremely judgmental, and you closed

> with a backhanded kind of comment of 'maybe it will work for you'. I can't

> believe you think that was a positive statement. You can call these little

> things, but when every conversation is this way, negative little remarks

> that I have to defend against, it is very tiring for me. "

>

> What do you all think? I know it's not a BPD issue, but it's my

> disfunctional family that doesn't understand boundaries in the slightest.

> But that doesn't mean I have to accept their inability to have boundaries in

> their lives.

>

> Thanks,

>

June 8, 2011

I think you're right about the medium chill. I just don't know how to respond to

her email. I don't feel like discussing the issue with her will be useful. But I

also feel like I should respond in some way.

ANy ideas? Or just not respond at all and wait a few weeks to call when I feel

like it?

>

> >

> > Hi guys, I know I've been away for awhile; I moved to another state,

> > started a new job, and have just been busy dealing with that. No time for

> > crazy nada. I haven't located a new therapist yet, and I was wondering some

> > advice on how to deal with this situation.

> >

> > My stepmother is like Eeyore. She has a negative response to everything. If

> > I call her and I'm happy about something I'm doing, or a good deal I found,

> > or any positive thing, she finds a way to rain on my parade. Or she keeps

> > harping on something. For example, recently, I moved to a very rainy state

> > from Southern California. I called her and my dad because I needed to

> > reaffirm why I chose to move, because I was depressed that it had rained

> > almost every day for two weeks, and I missed the sun. Also, I was down

> > because I still hadn't moved into my house and was staying with a co-worker,

> > which was getting on my nerves. So I tell her that I'm feeling down, that it

> > has rained a lot and I miss the sun, and I'm second-guessing my choice, and

> > she starts going on about how the weather is only going to get worse, the

> > days are just going to get shorter, and I try to argue with her that it's

> > not going to snow for a while yet and the days will still be plenty long

> > through even September, and she keeps trying to tell me how horrible the

> > weather and light is going to be, and I realize that I just have to stop the

> > conversation otherwise I'm going to get really upset and maybe be mean. So I

> > say, " okay, I can't talk about this right now. " Then SHE says " fine " , and as

> > I start to try and re-iterate that it's just depressing me further so she

> > won't think I'm just being rude, SHE hangs up.

> >

> > Then yesterday, I found a cheap couch and chair on Craigslist that were

> > both in good condition, just needed a little dusting off, possibly a little

> > wash down, but nonetheless, good for my uses. A little backgroun, I'm also

> > the type of person who doesn't like to go buy new stuff right off the bat. I

> > may not stay in the house I'm renting (although so far so good), but I do

> > need some furniture. I also have strong opinions about consumerism, so I

> > like it if I can find used items that aren't too beat up. Anyways, I sent

> > her pics of the couch and chair, and she sends some snippy, snide remark

> > that " okay, personally, I don't like to buy used upholstered items because I

> > don't know how they've been used or where they've been. But you can see if

> > it works for you. "

> >

> > Now, there is no remark in there like " I'm happy you found something you

> > like " or anything, even if she doesn't like the items I found. I wasn't

> > asking her opinion, just sharing. So I responded, " okay, I just won't bother

> > sharing anymore. "

> >

> > Her response to that was " how was my response negative? I just said that I

> > don't like to buy used stuff. And I closed by saying I hoped it worked out

> > for you. "

> >

> > My response was: " I wasn't asking your advice. Just sharing my furniture

> > with you. It's just like the other night when I said the rain was getting me

> > down, then you proceeded to talk about how short the days would be and how

> > cold, etc. The focusing on the negative stuff is not working for me. That's

> > all. "

> >

> > Then she sent me a response this morning: " , I am very sorry you are

> > misinterpreting my conversations/statements. Yes, and you rudely cut our

> > conversation short. You had just said you were getting ready to go to bed

> > and the sun was still out and I wondered out loud if that means the days

> > would be very short in the winter time. Just conversation, just my reaction

> > to your statement. I wish you would just think about what is being said

> > rather than insert some kind of negative connotation to everything. Lately

> > it's been very difficult to carry on a conversation b/c even the most

> > innocuous of remarks or statements seem to send you off. We can talk about

> > this or you can decide not to talk to me – it's up to you. "

> >

> > I do not believe I am misinterpreting her statements. She responds to EVERY

> > SINGLE thing with a negative response. She's not satisfied if she hasn't

> > rained on my parade. I did not rudely cut the conversation short, I tried to

> > change the subject and she hung up on me. And she did not just wonder out

> > loud about the days being short, she kept pushing it on me, even as I

> > protested that it was making me feel worse. It is totally pissing me off

> > that she is telling me that I need to think about what is being said. She

> > needs to think about what she is saying within the conversation. Why would

> > you harp on bad weather when someone says that it's depressing them? Ug!

> >

> > And add to that that whenever I talk to her, I also talk to my dad (usually

> > both on speaker phone) and he can't hold any conversation. His version of

> > conversation is to interrogate me and act like he believes I'm still a five

> > year old who needs his permission to live my life. I even called him on it

> > last time I spoke to him, and he said I should just get over it, and I said

> > " no " I will not get over it. I will stop the conversation every time you do

> > this, because it is not acceptable to me. I want to enjoy talking to you,

> > and this is not enjoyable to me.

> >

> > So, this is the response I have crafted to stepmother, but not sure I will

> > send it. Probably won't, but I would like some feedback on how to respond,

> > if I should at all.

> >

> > " And I wish you would do the same: think about what you are saying in the

> > conversation. I specifically said I was feeling down and you went off on the

> > weather and length of days even as I protested you to stop, but you clearly

> > don't recall that, or the fact that when I said: I can't talk about this

> > anymore, YOU were the one who said 'fine' and hung up instantaneously,

> > before I could even explain why I didn't want to talk about it. But you were

> > just going on with your own 'wondering' without even hearing that I was

> > saying I was feeling depressed. You can call me names all you want; if I

> > need to take care of myself in a conversation by ending it, then I will do

> > so. I'm sorry you don't understand this.

> >

> > It has been very difficult to talk to both you and dad lately, because if

> > you aren't trying to point out lots of negative stuff and make me feel bad

> > about my decisions, then dad is interrogating me like a 5 year old child.

> >

> > You might think little things are setting me off, but the way I see it, you

> > respond negatively to everything I say, which is frustrating and tiring for

> > me. Im sorry you feel that 'little things' are setting me off, but I'm

> > trying to keep my sanity in the midst of the stress of a move and new job,

> > and they are not 'little things' to me when I call to speak to my family for

> > comfort and they do nothing but add to the stress with negativity.

> >

> > If you think I was misinterpreting your email about the couch, you need to

> > read your own email again. The tone is extremely judgmental, and you closed

> > with a backhanded kind of comment of 'maybe it will work for you'. I can't

> > believe you think that was a positive statement. You can call these little

> > things, but when every conversation is this way, negative little remarks

> > that I have to defend against, it is very tiring for me. "

> >

> > What do you all think? I know it's not a BPD issue, but it's my

> > disfunctional family that doesn't understand boundaries in the slightest.

> > But that doesn't mean I have to accept their inability to have boundaries in

> > their lives.

> >

> > Thanks,

> >

>

June 8, 2011

I vote for waiting a while, as long as it takes. She's always been that way,

negative, so, you can't expect her to suddenly change and be your best friend

and be validating and supportive of you. Trying to get her to be different or

expecting her to be different is like repeatedly bashing your head against a

brick wall: pointless.

You'll find some nice, mentally healthy people in your new town to become

friends with, it just takes time.

-Annie

> >

> > >

> > > Hi guys, I know I've been away for awhile; I moved to another state,

> > > started a new job, and have just been busy dealing with that. No time for

> > > crazy nada. I haven't located a new therapist yet, and I was wondering

some

> > > advice on how to deal with this situation.

> > >

> > > My stepmother is like Eeyore. She has a negative response to everything.

If

> > > I call her and I'm happy about something I'm doing, or a good deal I

found,

> > > or any positive thing, she finds a way to rain on my parade. Or she keeps

> > > harping on something. For example, recently, I moved to a very rainy state

> > > from Southern California. I called her and my dad because I needed to

> > > reaffirm why I chose to move, because I was depressed that it had rained

> > > almost every day for two weeks, and I missed the sun. Also, I was down

> > > because I still hadn't moved into my house and was staying with a

co-worker,

> > > which was getting on my nerves. So I tell her that I'm feeling down, that

it

> > > has rained a lot and I miss the sun, and I'm second-guessing my choice,

and

> > > she starts going on about how the weather is only going to get worse, the

> > > days are just going to get shorter, and I try to argue with her that it's

> > > not going to snow for a while yet and the days will still be plenty long

> > > through even September, and she keeps trying to tell me how horrible the

> > > weather and light is going to be, and I realize that I just have to stop

the

> > > conversation otherwise I'm going to get really upset and maybe be mean. So

I

> > > say, " okay, I can't talk about this right now. " Then SHE says " fine " , and

as

> > > I start to try and re-iterate that it's just depressing me further so she

> > > won't think I'm just being rude, SHE hangs up.

> > >

> > > Then yesterday, I found a cheap couch and chair on Craigslist that were

> > > both in good condition, just needed a little dusting off, possibly a

little

> > > wash down, but nonetheless, good for my uses. A little backgroun, I'm also

> > > the type of person who doesn't like to go buy new stuff right off the bat.

I

> > > may not stay in the house I'm renting (although so far so good), but I do

> > > need some furniture. I also have strong opinions about consumerism, so I

> > > like it if I can find used items that aren't too beat up. Anyways, I sent

> > > her pics of the couch and chair, and she sends some snippy, snide remark

> > > that " okay, personally, I don't like to buy used upholstered items because

I

> > > don't know how they've been used or where they've been. But you can see if

> > > it works for you. "

> > >

> > > Now, there is no remark in there like " I'm happy you found something you

> > > like " or anything, even if she doesn't like the items I found. I wasn't

> > > asking her opinion, just sharing. So I responded, " okay, I just won't

bother

> > > sharing anymore. "

> > >

> > > Her response to that was " how was my response negative? I just said that I

> > > don't like to buy used stuff. And I closed by saying I hoped it worked out

> > > for you. "

> > >

> > > My response was: " I wasn't asking your advice. Just sharing my furniture

> > > with you. It's just like the other night when I said the rain was getting

me

> > > down, then you proceeded to talk about how short the days would be and how

> > > cold, etc. The focusing on the negative stuff is not working for me.

That's

> > > all. "

> > >

> > > Then she sent me a response this morning: " , I am very sorry you are

> > > misinterpreting my conversations/statements. Yes, and you rudely cut our

> > > conversation short. You had just said you were getting ready to go to bed

> > > and the sun was still out and I wondered out loud if that means the days

> > > would be very short in the winter time. Just conversation, just my

reaction

> > > to your statement. I wish you would just think about what is being said

> > > rather than insert some kind of negative connotation to everything. Lately

> > > it's been very difficult to carry on a conversation b/c even the most

> > > innocuous of remarks or statements seem to send you off. We can talk about

> > > this or you can decide not to talk to me ï¿½ it's up to you. "

> > >

> > > I do not believe I am misinterpreting her statements. She responds to

EVERY

> > > SINGLE thing with a negative response. She's not satisfied if she hasn't

> > > rained on my parade. I did not rudely cut the conversation short, I tried

to

> > > change the subject and she hung up on me. And she did not just wonder out

> > > loud about the days being short, she kept pushing it on me, even as I

> > > protested that it was making me feel worse. It is totally pissing me off

> > > that she is telling me that I need to think about what is being said. She

> > > needs to think about what she is saying within the conversation. Why would

> > > you harp on bad weather when someone says that it's depressing them? Ug!

> > >

> > > And add to that that whenever I talk to her, I also talk to my dad

(usually

> > > both on speaker phone) and he can't hold any conversation. His version of

> > > conversation is to interrogate me and act like he believes I'm still a

five

> > > year old who needs his permission to live my life. I even called him on it

> > > last time I spoke to him, and he said I should just get over it, and I

said

> > > " no " I will not get over it. I will stop the conversation every time you

do

> > > this, because it is not acceptable to me. I want to enjoy talking to you,

> > > and this is not enjoyable to me.

> > >

> > > So, this is the response I have crafted to stepmother, but not sure I will

> > > send it. Probably won't, but I would like some feedback on how to respond,

> > > if I should at all.

> > >

> > > " And I wish you would do the same: think about what you are saying in the

> > > conversation. I specifically said I was feeling down and you went off on

the

> > > weather and length of days even as I protested you to stop, but you

clearly

> > > don't recall that, or the fact that when I said: I can't talk about this

> > > anymore, YOU were the one who said 'fine' and hung up instantaneously,

> > > before I could even explain why I didn't want to talk about it. But you

were

> > > just going on with your own 'wondering' without even hearing that I was

> > > saying I was feeling depressed. You can call me names all you want; if I

> > > need to take care of myself in a conversation by ending it, then I will do

> > > so. I'm sorry you don't understand this.

> > >

> > > It has been very difficult to talk to both you and dad lately, because if

> > > you aren't trying to point out lots of negative stuff and make me feel bad

> > > about my decisions, then dad is interrogating me like a 5 year old child.

> > >

> > > You might think little things are setting me off, but the way I see it,

you

> > > respond negatively to everything I say, which is frustrating and tiring

for

> > > me. Im sorry you feel that 'little things' are setting me off, but I'm

> > > trying to keep my sanity in the midst of the stress of a move and new job,

> > > and they are not 'little things' to me when I call to speak to my family

for

> > > comfort and they do nothing but add to the stress with negativity.

> > >

> > > If you think I was misinterpreting your email about the couch, you need to

> > > read your own email again. The tone is extremely judgmental, and you

closed

> > > with a backhanded kind of comment of 'maybe it will work for you'. I can't

> > > believe you think that was a positive statement. You can call these little

> > > things, but when every conversation is this way, negative little remarks

> > > that I have to defend against, it is very tiring for me. "

> > >

> > > What do you all think? I know it's not a BPD issue, but it's my

> > > disfunctional family that doesn't understand boundaries in the slightest.

> > > But that doesn't mean I have to accept their inability to have boundaries

in

> > > their lives.

> > >

> > > Thanks,

> > >

> >

June 8, 2011

The thing is, she has been supportive in many ways. But it's weird. I don't know

if I just recently (like over the past two months or so) noticed the negative

remarks all the time or if it's always been that way. She's one of the few

people who supports me in my no-contact with nada, and she truly understands the

situation between myself and flying monkey jerk brada.

But still, it goes back to all these boundary issues my family has. Everyone

seems to think that because we are " family " no one is allowed any privacy,

individual identity or preference, or that you would treat people differently as

they are different people not all the same person. Everyone seems to think that

it's perfectly natural for everyone to know everyone else's finances, romantic

situation, all personal information that really goes beyond " family " and into

co-dependency.

As I type this out, I see now that there is a level of co-dependency that my

father and stepmother have (no surprise there based on dad's history with nada),

and I can see that perhaps I slipped up by being too open with them. It just

gets to be so tiring when you just can't talk to your family because they can't

differentiate one conversation from another or one situation from another. When

I was discussing taking the new job with them, I was looking for thoughts,

opinions, and advice. And even for possible negatives about it. But that does

not mean every time I have a conversation with them that I'm looking to be told

what to do or asking for the pros and cons. That was one conversation, this is

another.

Does anyone else ever experience that?

June 8, 2011

Yes - and often when there is a huge glaring problem with a person - yet

they are sometimes nice- it just means they aren't a safe person. Have you

read Safe People? And if they aren't safe, you set boundaries. Most people

only have a few safe people in their lives. These are the people to invest

in. And then boundaries with others.

That's my best advice. I'm sorry and I know you've just been through a huge

change. How is the new job?

>

> The thing is, she has been supportive in many ways. But it's weird. I don't

> know if I just recently (like over the past two months or so) noticed the

> negative remarks all the time or if it's always been that way. She's one of

> the few people who supports me in my no-contact with nada, and she truly

> understands the situation between myself and flying monkey jerk brada.

>

> But still, it goes back to all these boundary issues my family has.

> Everyone seems to think that because we are " family " no one is allowed any

> privacy, individual identity or preference, or that you would treat people

> differently as they are different people not all the same person. Everyone

> seems to think that it's perfectly natural for everyone to know everyone

> else's finances, romantic situation, all personal information that really

> goes beyond " family " and into co-dependency.

>

> As I type this out, I see now that there is a level of co-dependency that

> my father and stepmother have (no surprise there based on dad's history with

> nada), and I can see that perhaps I slipped up by being too open with them.

> It just gets to be so tiring when you just can't talk to your family because

> they can't differentiate one conversation from another or one situation from

> another. When I was discussing taking the new job with them, I was looking

> for thoughts, opinions, and advice. And even for possible negatives about

> it. But that does not mean every time I have a conversation with them that

> I'm looking to be told what to do or asking for the pros and cons. That was

> one conversation, this is another.

>

> Does anyone else ever experience that?

>

June 8, 2011

Don't be sorry. Your advice has been VERY helpful. I really needed to feel

validated because I sort of felt like I was wrong or my feelings were

illegitimate, and I realized, in a way, she was telling me that I was wrong for

feeling a certain way, and that's a big red flag for me. She may not agree with

the way I feel, but it's still valid.

Thank you, and I will look up Safe People. Still working my way through

Co-Dependent No More. I have to wait for my new health insurance to kick in

before I can find a good therapist to replace my last one.

>

> >

> > The thing is, she has been supportive in many ways. But it's weird. I don't

> > know if I just recently (like over the past two months or so) noticed the

> > negative remarks all the time or if it's always been that way. She's one of

> > the few people who supports me in my no-contact with nada, and she truly

> > understands the situation between myself and flying monkey jerk brada.

> >

> > But still, it goes back to all these boundary issues my family has.

> > Everyone seems to think that because we are " family " no one is allowed any

> > privacy, individual identity or preference, or that you would treat people

> > differently as they are different people not all the same person. Everyone

> > seems to think that it's perfectly natural for everyone to know everyone

> > else's finances, romantic situation, all personal information that really

> > goes beyond " family " and into co-dependency.

> >

> > As I type this out, I see now that there is a level of co-dependency that

> > my father and stepmother have (no surprise there based on dad's history with

> > nada), and I can see that perhaps I slipped up by being too open with them.

> > It just gets to be so tiring when you just can't talk to your family because

> > they can't differentiate one conversation from another or one situation from

> > another. When I was discussing taking the new job with them, I was looking

> > for thoughts, opinions, and advice. And even for possible negatives about

> > it. But that does not mean every time I have a conversation with them that

> > I'm looking to be told what to do or asking for the pros and cons. That was

> > one conversation, this is another.

> >

> > Does anyone else ever experience that?

> >

>

June 8, 2011

Hi ,

I'm sorry! This sounds terribly stressful for you. You probably should wait. Why

are you calling them? I realize you do not yet have a support network in your

new neighborhood, but calling these 2 people sounds like the pits. They aren't

interested in supporting you emotionally, without judgment. Maybe they feel you

abandoned them? Maybe you are calling them too much? IDK. I am just

guessing--since they have been supportive in the past, something seems to have

gotten them agitated.

Re: your email. Anytime I've asked my therapist about confronting people like

this, she always says to 'de-personalize' the message, and take out any sarcasm

(my main coping mechanism). Take out the " you did " " you said " , since that just

pisses people off and they quit listening.

I am so sorry this has been hard on you, but it sounds like it is getting better

all the time. Take care of yourself!