New here and exhausted with nada

June 9, 2011

I had to move my nada (who is a hoarder) into an assisted living facility(ALF)

near me. When I moved her (150 miles from her home), I took her by the house to

get her clothes etc. Well, at her insistence I have taken her back to her

former house twice to get more stuff to put in her room at the ALF. I told her

both of those times that it would be the last time. Well, of course, she had

every reason why I should take her again but I set a boundary and told her I

couldn't do it. She then told me she would never forgive me. Then my aunt who

is in total denial about my mother, called me the next day and told me I had no

compassion, etc. My husband, my therapist and all my friends said not to take

her again. So now my aunt has roped her two daughters into driving 150 miles to

pick up mother and take her back over there to get more junk! It is so

difficult to deal with my nada but then to have to deal with my aunt on top of

it is almost more than I can handle. My mother bullies everyone to get her and

when I don't succumb to her bullying then Im never forgiven. I wish I didn't

have to have any contact with her but I feel a moral obligation to check on her

etc. My aunts two daughters don't ever set any boundaries with their mother

so thus I'm the bad one of the family. I am having such a hard time being

around my mother. I can't let go of the anger. I've purchased some books (SWOE)

and the newest one but haven't gotten through them yet. She constantly makes

comments about my 25 year old son not calling or visiting. He loves her but

doesn't enjoy being around her either.

Thanks for letting me vent. I'm open to any suggestions on how to let go of my

anger.

June 9, 2011

Welcome to the group Glenda. I too have a hoarder mother who could benefit from

being in assisted living but it ain't gonna happen. Odds are she'll stay in

her house until she's so bad off she'll have to go to a nursing home. It

sounds like you have been doing more than enough, more than is appreciated, and

more than your mother deserves for her care. Do you have any siblings to help

you out with cleaning out her house?

As for advice the main thing I can share is remember that she's mentally ill.

Whatever horrible things she says, like how she'll never forgive you when you

set a rational boundary, that's her illness talking. It's never a reflection

of you that you need to take seriously or defend against. For me, it's when I

get drawn into the interaction with her and forget that she's a crazy person

that she can do me the most harm. I also have an aunt that works to weaken the

boundaries I've set - it is exhausting.

Take some time to put you first!

Eliza

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> I had to move my nada (who is a hoarder) into an assisted living facility(ALF)