Guest guest Posted June 8, 2011 Report Share Posted June 8, 2011 Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's been that long since I used that account. I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed up my family is. It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real life'. It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful it was all I could do to keep moving forward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hi to all and Jellybean, My own BPD parent has driven me to despair and distraction for years, shifting between personae. I am not sure just how " pure " the archetypes waif/queen/witch are, but, often seem to be roles the BPDs put on and take off, depending upon whom their intended audience is, with one role often being their favorite or preferred " fall back, or go-to " roll. To her friends she plays the adoring, abandoned mother, wife, employee, etc., who, through no fault of her own is unfairly used, abused and estranged, from her emotionally " ruined " child, spouse, employer, employee, friend,... whom she must rescue from ---fill-in-the-blank---, she is the martyred and suffering waif, while, to the " abusive " and unappreciative ruined child, spouse, friend, employer, etc., she wears the mantle of witch, saying and behaving in entitled, inappropriate, narcissistic and just plain weird ways, that no one else would have ever believed her capable of, ( my own BPD parent accused me of " getting " molested on my 9th birthday as a " stunt " I had pulled to get even with them for not taking the whole day off on my birthday,) just prior to her friends coming over for lunch, in order to prove to them how emotionally fragile and unstable, and unpredictable I was. To anyone who disagrees with her, or has their own opinion, or who irritates her in any way, she is the imperious and entitled queen, who will exact revenge if crossed. Actually all of these roles seem to end up in revenge, and manipulation. They practice forms of character assassination the way other people practice for triathlons, or a musical instrument. The do it because they can. It seems to be both sport and life sustaining, kind of like a cat playing with a mouse before they eat it. My own BPD parent knows they are BPD, and uses it as a get-out-of-jail-free card , to justify horrendously cruel and evil behaviors. For so many of us, it has been easier and safer, especially in childhood, to believe that we are the ones who are crazy, sick, dysfunctional or just plain wrong. It is a bitter-sweet realization to finally understand that we were wounded in an emotional war with the very persons who were supposed to sustain us, but, who did their best to destroy us instead. The waif archetype is sooooo insidious, and devastatingly toxic., after all who in good conscience could be unkind to someone who is in such obvious distress and pain, AND your parent? Think of them as hungry vampires begging for just a little of your blood . You gotta know they won't be satisfied until they drain you dry, but they are your parent, and its hard to say " no " , especially when we hope that giving them " a little " will bring them around to being our " good parent " again. Good Luck and Garlic Wreaths to Us All! > > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately > if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's > been that long since I used that account. > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my > mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I > honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny > that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very > positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed > up my family is. > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no > longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong > with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and > martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not > setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has > already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. > He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries > with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and > in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever > seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in > law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her > mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I > found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a > sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a > virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that > could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody > battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked > she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past > year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It > doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she > is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, > it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer > that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real > life'. > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was > crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year > and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing > with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's > been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful > it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hi deborah, that is a really good metaphor, the vampire, now I realize that is exactly what she is. I am also sitting here thinking about how many times in my childhood and adulthood she did not enforce boundaries in order to play the martyr role. It is kind of disturbing to me that I have less of a sense of boundaries than someone else might have who was not manipulated in some way. I actually can see how it affected all of her children's lives because it led to us being underachievers and not living up to our potential because she allowed us to be victims of life and feel 'special' rather than forcing us through the hard work we needed to complete in order to have more successful lives, i.e at times she did rescuing behaviors when that was the last thing we needed to grow. it all stems from her transferring her trauma from the past onto all our lives and reliving it over and over and over, instead of functioning in the present. > > > > > > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately > > if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's > > been that long since I used that account. > > > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my > > mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I > > honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny > > that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very > > positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed > > up my family is. > > > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no > > longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong > > with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and > > martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not > > setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has > > already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. > > He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries > > with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and > > in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever > > seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in > > law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her > > mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I > > found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a > > sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a > > virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that > > could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody > > battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked > > she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past > > year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It > > doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she > > is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, > > it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer > > that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real > > life'. > > > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was > > crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year > > and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing > > with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's > > been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful > > it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 Hi Jellybean, my nada is mostly waif too and Deborah's vampire analogy is spot on. One of the most confusing things is that the vampire's suffering is real, after all if they don't get their regular meals they do starve. They just can't understand why living off your blood is not a good way for them to manage their nutrition! Since you know she has done this character assassination is there any way to preemptively strike back, set the record straight now? Also if she's doing something that's literally going to cause her husband to die sooner have you thought about reporting her anonymously to adult protective services? Eliza > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's been that long since I used that account. > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed up my family is. > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real life'. > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 9, 2011 Report Share Posted June 9, 2011 When I was about 10, I realized I didn't have to worry about the monsters*under * the bed, as much as I needed to worry about the ones coming to kiss me goodnight. Since their own boundaries are set, enforced, and relaxed manipulatively, I think they perceive everyone else' s boundaries to be manipulative challenges to their own sense of entitlement. Boundaries of any kind for BPDs are either challenges, or manipulative tools. Since they, themselves are such in-genuine bullies, they think everyone else is too, and heaven knows they aren't going to let anyone else " win. " They are monsters, they eat their own young, and no matter how sorry we feel for the ensteins creature, or the unwitting victim of the werewolfs bite, or however much Hollywood may romanticize the seductive powers of the vampire, they are monsters, still. Its confusing, and really hard to sort out, and there is a profound grief that is hard to get through, especially since BPDs seem to have an eerie sense of timing, and know just how to jerk our chains and punch our buttons. They do it for sport. They do it for control. They do it just because they can. But, don't take it personally, they cannibalize everyone with whom they come into contact, because they are, in a very real sense monsters. It is in their best interest to make their " snacks " feel special, to cripple and disarm us with predatory attentions, since that way we don't know we're next on the menu until its too late. Every time I think I've wiped all the cranberry sauce out of my eyes, I find a little more behind my ears, and I can see my Nada setting the table. What wine *do* you have with your children red, or white? I'm finally off the menu and NC. For good I hope, but just in case, I've got garlic in my pockets, silver bullets in my purse, and aluminum foil lining my hat.. I wish it was that easy. > > > Hi deborah,, > > that is a really good metaphor, the vampire, now I realize that is exactly > what she is. > > I am also sitting here thinking about how many times in my childhood and > adulthood she did not enforce boundaries in order to play the martyr role. > It is kind of disturbing to me that I have less of a sense of boundaries > than someone else might have who was not manipulated in some way. I actually > can see how it affected all of her children's lives because it led to us > being underachievers and not living up to our potential because she allowed > us to be victims of life and feel 'special' rather than forcing us through > the hard work we needed to complete in order to have more successful lives, > i.e at times she did rescuing behaviors when that was the last thing we > needed to grow. it all stems from her transferring her trauma from the past > onto all our lives and reliving it over and over and over, instead of > functioning in the present. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but > unfortunately > > > if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and > it's > > > been that long since I used that account. > > > > > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because > of my > > > mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd > but I > > > honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > > > > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny > > > that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been > very > > > positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how > screwed > > > up my family is. > > > > > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really > no > > > longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously > wrong > > > with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim > and > > > martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and > not > > > setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, > it has > > > already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks > ago. > > > He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set > boundaries > > > with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, > and > > > in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have > ever > > > seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > > > > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD > sister in > > > law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and > her > > > mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do > it, I > > > found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a > > > sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a > > > virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way > that > > > could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody > > > battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am > shocked > > > she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the > past > > > year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It > > > doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this > situation she > > > is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment > of me, > > > it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any > longer > > > that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in > 'real > > > life'. > > > > > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that > was > > > crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last > year > > > and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am > dealing > > > with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, > it's > > > been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so > painful > > > it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 It's so funny that you mention grief. Because tonight i thought about posting here that does anyone ever feel like having a funeral. I may yet post it. A funeral for the family that I thought I had, and the time I wasted trying to convince myself that they were what I wanted them to be. Living back around them has literally destroyed my health. I am just taking the first steps right not into trying to get it back. A lot of that has to do with finding a therapist who validates me which I now have. She wants me to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can and have as little contact with them as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 no it's hopeless, as far as what she said, because she said it to my sister in law, who is a pathological liar and uBPD. And she will take it and run with it in a court case/custody case/dss hearing if there ever is one, because I have gone to great lengths to document what has gone on with the kids and have confronted the SIL over and over about her lack of cleaning and neglect of her children, and her vandalzing my parents house by refusing to do any cleaning AT ALL even though she doesnt work. in short, I took my mother's part in this, and she betrayed me horribly, because SIL is playing her and pretending to be a confidante and she saw an oppty to make herself out to be a victim and a martyr and that was more important to her than the future welfare of the children. I am getting out of here when I can, which might take six months, and going LC (there are two dogs which are going to have to stay for a while and then it will be NC I hope). As far as my dad it is my uBPD's SIL's treatment of my dad and mom both that is killing him. She won't clean and she uses my mother for free babysitting from the moment she gets home from work and on the weekends (totally obvious how this plays into the waif thing on nada's part, isn't it?). My parents are normal sanitation-wise so the filth is depressing. I did a lot of cleaning, but no longer, as that just enables my mother to not set limits and boundaries and make my brother hire a maid. This girl is never going to clean so my brother needs to absorb this fact and start allotting salary for this purpose. I have begged my mother to set boundaries with the girl for the sake of my father but she refuses to do so...NOTHING is important enough to her to make herself uncomfortable in this way (she's a sex abuse survivor), not the children, or her husbands life. My father has probably lost the last 5 years of his life to this sh*t and is now on oxygen in the nighttime because he has CHF which has dramatically worsened. I have told her over and over that watching her be exploited for labor and her house filthy is killing him (I personally think he would endure SIL's crap for himself but watching his wife be exploited is eating him alive inside because he can't protect her and she won't stand up for herself...nada has no empathy to him which makes me SICK), literally, and that out of love for him she needs to set boundaries but she will not do it. I have begged her to go through the employee assistance program at work because she could get ten free sessions of therapy on how to deal with this lunatic my brother has married and reproduced with, and she will NOT do it. NOTHING on this earth, not the children's welfare, nor my father's chronic heart condition worsening, is worth the amount of discomfort it would cause her to deal in adult manner with this problem and get professsional help and feedback. She is a trauma survivor so my whole life I have had empathy but I am wanting to scream SCREW HER at this point. I'm completely disgusted and sickened by her behavior. And then after all the battles I and my father have fought with this girl, she has the nerve to imply that we just can't 'get along' with this piece of human garbage, and she can. Oh, yes, she gets along with her because she lets her destroy her house and mistreat her children and DOESN'T SAY A WORD ABOUT IT. (p.s. I have tried twice to get dss interested and they say it's not 'bad enough' at this point...being that they are better off living under this roof rather than alone with their momster all day, it's not reportable at this point). sorry to go on so much, there is just soooooooooooo much anger at this point. but bpd sil loves to mess with my father's head because they are very similar people. he is no saint but she has him by the short hairs because if anyone looks at her wrong she threatens to leave with the kids. she seemingly hates men and seems to take great sport in bossing my dad around and hurting his pride in any way. my mother will set NO boundaries with this girl about cleaning or child-care, she is on some religious trip which is really severe co-dependency and spinelessness. She secretly resents the fact that I have confronted the girl on numerous occasions (even though it was on either her behalf or the kids behalf as i have no personal stake in the matter), and apparently this is her way of dealing with my strength, to assassinate my character, even though it could potentially hurt the children in the long run. Long story short, it's unforgiveable. I can't even remember what my train of thought was when I started posting... > > > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's been that long since I used that account. > > > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed up my family is. > > > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real life'. > > > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 Hi again Jellybean, I would really like to hear your thoughts on grief, and the funeral for the death of the dream of the of the " good family. " I think what you have suggested is at the core of healing the deep and poisonous wound inflicted upon us by the BPDs in our lives. When we were young, and in the custody of the BPD, our emotional, and sometimes our actual physical survival depended upon the perpetuation of the myth, and maintaining the facade of the " good family. " To* not *maintain the myth, meant incurring the rage and vengeance of our nada/fada, and the consequences for this percieved disloyalty were horrific. The worst thing that the BPD parent does to their child and family, is to cause them to collude against themself, and deny the reality of the ugliness and confusion inherent in BPD home life. We lied about our emotional and physical bruises and scars, sometimes actually claiming to have caused them ourselves, ( I 'm so clumsy...I fell down... I'm not very good at math... I have no sense of time...) in order to protect and uphold the sanctity of the facade. AS KO's, we also wanted, withevery fiber of our being, to* have* that good home and family, and to *be* the " good enough " child. I think that most of us believed that if *we* were just good enough, our BPD parent would not be so crazy, and cruel. We began, at some point to internalize the confusion and cruelty of the BPD care giver, and self emoliate. Our health suffers, we devour ourselves in grief and despair. My funeral for my BPD family would be a double service. One for the death of the family that never was, and one for the good enough child I could never be. I am going in for surgery for a recurrent medical condition. I will not let my BPD family know. Even though my Nada has cut me out of her life for the moment, she never misses a " photo op, " and would use my illness for sympathy milage. She plays the noble waif with her friends, and has even gone so far as to set up a " hospice room " for me in her home, which is absurd, since I have a wonderful husband and the means to take care of myself. I'd rather die cold and wet under a bridge, than ever go back to be vulnerable, in her " care. " She has been killing me off to her friends for years now. ( I get sick, and they send her sympathy cards!) I will be thinking of you, and wishing you well and healthy. I honor your spirit, and the tremendous emotional and physical strength it takes to face these internal and external challenges! This is a good and safe place to explore all of the possibilities, and to find respite. My Very Best to You! On Fri, Jun 10, 2011 at 4:23 AM, jellybean wrote: > > > > > It's so funny that you mention grief. > > Because tonight i thought about posting here that does anyone ever feel > like having a funeral. I may yet post it. > > A funeral for the family that I thought I had, and the time I wasted trying > to convince myself that they were what I wanted them to be. > > Living back around them has literally destroyed my health. I am just taking > the first steps right not into trying to get it back. A lot of that has to > do with finding a therapist who validates me which I now have. > > She wants me to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can and have as > little contact with them as possible. > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 I agree, I think getting away from that toxic environment will be a positive step forward in your healing. I hope those poor little children can find enough love and caring from their grandmother/your waify nada to not turn out horribly emotionally damaged from being so neglected and rejected by their own mother. Your parents are adults and have both the power and the ability to make their own choices. They're choosing to just let things go on the way they are, they're choosing to make no changes and no positive steps forward. Its sad and frustrating, but I agree with you and your therapist that its not healthy for you to be living there. I'm glad for you that you're making arrangements to leave fairly soon. -Annie > > > > > > Hello all, I have been posting here before sporadically but unfortunately if you don't use email addresses for a while yahoo deletes them and it's been that long since I used that account. > > > > > > I have been here reading and felt like an interloper at times because of my mother being potentially a waif. Definitely not a witch or queen bpd but I honestly never felt like I fit in and felt a little invasive. > > > > > > She has done something recently that makes it impossible for me to deny that this is so. I have started therapy a few weeks ago and it has been very positive in terms of getting validation from the therapist about how screwed up my family is. > > > > > > It took all these things happening for me to see it though, to really no longer be able to deny that there is something seriously, seriously wrong with her. She doesn't 'act out', she is very subtle. It's all a victim and martyr trip. However she's in a position now where her martyrdom and not setting boundaries is going to eventually cost her her husbands life, it has already cost him his health as he had to go on oxygen a couple weeks ago. He's dying right in front of her because of her refusal to set boundaries with a brother and she absolutely does not care, and refuses to see it, and in fact is relishing her opportunity to be the martyr more than I have ever seen in my life, which is quite a few performances actually. > > > > > > And despite the fact that I have fought many battles with my uBPD sister in law over her insane behavior and destruction of my parents house, and her mistreatment/neglect of her children, because my mother would not do it, I found out recently that my mother has even used my sister in law as a sounding board for her martyrdom and taken that opportunity to plant a virtual samurai sword in my back, assassinating my character in a way that could hurt my credibility if there is an eventual DSS case or custody battle, both of which are likely. I hate to even admit it but I am shocked she would go this far, because of the lengths I have gone to over the past year to intervene on both her behalf and on behalf of the children. It doesn't matter, nothing matters to my mother, at least in this situation she is absolutely immoral. It's specific to her and my father's treatment of me, it doesn't apply to their other children, but I can't deny it any longer that she is seriously disturbed though being completely functional in 'real life'. > > > > > > It has been easier all this time to believe that *I* was the one that was crazy, or be unsure of what exactly at play but the events of the last year and a half have proven to me beyond a shadow of a doubt what I am dealing with is in no way normal. Thanks for allowing me this sounding board, it's been a long time since I've been here and the last year has been so painful it was all I could do to keep moving forward. > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 10, 2011 Report Share Posted June 10, 2011 YES! Not only 1 funeral, but 1 for every layer of FOG we unravel from growing up under these conditions. I keep peeling layers, questioning my attitudes, likes and dislikes. Are they mine, or were they planted by nada? I feel like I am getting closer to who " me " really is. I resent that we are held back by social norms from openly grieving (or joyously shouting from the rooftops) as we tackle FOO pieces. The rest of the world doesn't understand. I am so gratefully to have you guys, a supportive partner and my T. > > > > > It's so funny that you mention grief. > > > > Because tonight i thought about posting here that does anyone ever feel like having a funeral. I may yet post it. > > A funeral for the family that I thought I had, and the time I wasted trying to convince myself that they were what I wanted them to be. > > Living back around them has literally destroyed my health. I am just taking the first steps right not into trying to get it back. A lot of that has to do with finding a therapist who validates me which I now have. > > She wants me to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can and have as little contact with them as possible. > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 thanks for those thoughts. I can relate, my anger and grief is right on the surface tonight. I thought just a few moments ago about really having a funeral, and burning the paper images and symbols of the grief, and then conducting myself from here on out as if I am living with strangers. my mother told my sister in law that her greatest fear is that she would have to live with me here after my dad passes. I am devastated. she denied saying that exactly, when I confronted her, but I don't believe her. i am devastated because I have had zero quality of life in the last year and half, having to deal with the lunatic bpd my brother brought here, my mother's severe codependency and refusal to set boundaries and limits, meanwhile crying in a chair in the corner every damn day and expecting me to be herconfidant about it, fighting her battles FOR her with bpd SIL about the treatment of the kids and then when those conflicts got heated, being told my her that she 'just wants peace' as if to say that *I* was the one causing the trouble. I am afraid my mind has been so warped by her insanity at this point that I just can't ever get it back right. her statement is a reflection of the abuse I have endured from my father, who is verbally abusive to me almost daily. Although for forty years she has cried on my shoulder about his treatment of her, and the hurtful things he says to her daily, and his rages, etc, any time it happens to me, it's MY fault that he is this way, and I " provoke " it, and " abuse him " . In fact, just four days before I found out about the 'greatest fear' monologue, she was crying on my shoulder about him being a hemorrhoid to her (he's a malignant narcissist with a narcissistic trigger the size of a barn so not hitting it is almost impossible on a daily basis) and I had to get up and leave the room because I have finally come to a point where I will no longer listen to her tales of woe about how abusive he is knowing that when I defend myself against his verbal abuse, she will accuse me of abusing HIM (and then five minutes later turn around and gripe about how abusive he is to HER...there was a reason I thought she had mulitiple personalities when I was growing up...it's still possible) but for her to say this to the conscienceless sociopath known as my sister in law...after the hell I have been through in the last year on MY MOTHER'S behalf, fighting against her home being vandalized (because the non-cleaning is so extreme that carpets, moldings, couches, etc are getting ruined...the last blow up was over the fact that bpd SIL decided she wanted to potty train the three year old by letting him run around in cloth underwear and get pee and poop all over the furniture, even though bpd SIL " does not clean " as she makes perfectly clear, without a hint of shame in the least. I mean, I have almost come to blows with this girl, on a couple of different occasions. It's awful. And it was either on things that concern my mother or the children. NONE OF IT was about anything concerning my self, my property, or my life. sorry I am just ranting but the anger is soooooooooooooo raw right now. what is worst about it is that statement makes me look like a lunatic she is afraid of, and it could hurt my credibility in a court case. it breaks my heart on so many levels, because I have gone to serious lengths to document things that have happened here, both journaling and taking photos/video, in the case of a custody battle which I am sure is in the future. I need to be a credible witness to her character and now I find out BOTH parents have completely stabbed me in the back and been dogging ME out. I'm in a state of shock still, I think I'll stop because I'm really not making any sense. > > > > > > > > > > > It's so funny that you mention grief. > > > > Because tonight i thought about posting here that does anyone ever feel > > like having a funeral. I may yet post it. > > > > A funeral for the family that I thought I had, and the time I wasted trying > > to convince myself that they were what I wanted them to be. > > > > Living back around them has literally destroyed my health. I am just taking > > the first steps right not into trying to get it back. A lot of that has to > > do with finding a therapist who validates me which I now have. > > > > She wants me to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can and have as > > little contact with them as possible. > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 Let me see if I have this right: your mama disassociates into lala land until dad hurts her, then she dumps on you. Everyone dumps on mom because she doesn't set or keep boundaries, esp. the BPD SIL who is a huge agitator and totally irresponsible. It sounds like you have been trying to save mom and her house, by speaking in her defense and pushing back at SIL and dad. Mom seems uncomfortable with confrontation in general. Since you are the only one in the house trying to enforce boundaries, you mother doesn't seem appreciative of your efforts, in fact she may be threatened by them (she only wants peace she says--meaning she more comfortable just being abused). Have you considered getting the hell out of Dodge? You are feeling everyone's pain in that house. If anything, you need to get away from this whole mess THEY have made for at least a couple days. You need to gain a new perspective, since what you have been doing to try to amend the situation is only getting you slapped. On a side note--have you read Codependent No More? People who are mousey codependents often enlist their children to become their rescuers. Bradshaw talks about this in his books too, regarding toxic shame and surrogate spouse. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > It's so funny that you mention grief. > > > > > > Because tonight i thought about posting here that does anyone ever feel > > > like having a funeral. I may yet post it. > > > > > > A funeral for the family that I thought I had, and the time I wasted trying > > > to convince myself that they were what I wanted them to be. > > > > > > Living back around them has literally destroyed my health. I am just taking > > > the first steps right not into trying to get it back. A lot of that has to > > > do with finding a therapist who validates me which I now have. > > > > > > She wants me to get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can and have as > > > little contact with them as possible. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 11, 2011 Report Share Posted June 11, 2011 thanks, annie I had to change my email addy because it's familiar to a couple of my family members, so I started anew yahoo account to replace the old one that got deleted. it helps that the younger boy had this tremendous growth spurt over the last year, he is now the same size as his older brother so they are suddenly playmates and are becoming less hostile to each other every day. the younger is the 'golden child' because he looks just like his mother when she was young, and the oldest is pathologized because he looks like my dad. although in the last few months things have improved because of the growth spurt and the kids willingness to play together. she is a definite queen but I have seen her turn into a witch on a dime, though not as much lately now that the kids are becoming independent. I think they will have a short period of being children and then as soon as she can they will be turned into her little slaves. she's just an evil person. I hate to leave the kids, it is sooooooooooo hard, but there just is no other way at this point, even though it will take a while probably, I have no other choice. but at least i was there when they were smaller and i did try to help in the ways that I could. > > I agree, I think getting away from that toxic environment will be a positive step forward in your healing. > > I hope those poor little children can find enough love and caring from their grandmother/your waify nada to not turn out horribly emotionally damaged from being so neglected and rejected by their own mother. > > Your parents are adults and have both the power and the ability to make their own choices. They're choosing to just let things go on the way they are, they're choosing to make no changes and no positive steps forward. > > Its sad and frustrating, but I agree with you and your therapist that its not healthy for you to be living there. I'm glad for you that you're making arrangements to leave fairly soon. > > -Annie > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted June 12, 2011 Report Share Posted June 12, 2011 thanks for that analysis. you are right. my dad was fighting SIL but in his abusive way, and since they are both equally abusive that never ended well. you are right, nada is more comfortable being abused. I left town week before last and that is when this revelation took place, that and this new therapist because she says the environment is very unsafe for me and wants me to leave. but I went back to my hometown and was instantly struck with how happy I was to be home and how miserable I have been here. I have read the codependent books by melody beattie whom I am not crazy about< thanks for the suggestion about the other guy, i would love to read some coda books that aren't by beattie...she just gets on my nerves a bit for some reason. thanks again for the thing about more comfortable being abused, that is so true...I never thought of it that way... > > Let me see if I have this right: your mama disassociates into lala land until dad hurts her, then she dumps on you. Everyone dumps on mom because she doesn't set or keep boundaries, esp. the BPD SIL who is a huge agitator and totally irresponsible. > > It sounds like you have been trying to save mom and her house, by speaking in her defense and pushing back at SIL and dad. Mom seems uncomfortable with confrontation in general. Since you are the only one in the house trying to enforce boundaries, you mother doesn't seem appreciative of your efforts, in fact she may be threatened by them (she only wants peace she says--meaning she more comfortable just being abused). > > Have you considered getting the hell out of Dodge? You are feeling everyone's pain in that house. If anything, you need to get away from this whole mess THEY have made for at least a couple days. You need to gain a new perspective, since what you have been doing to try to amend the situation is only getting you slapped. > > On a side note--have you read Codependent No More? People who are mousey codependents often enlist their children to become their rescuers. Bradshaw talks about this in his books too, regarding toxic shame and surrogate spouse. > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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