Another major realization yesterday

[Guest guest]

I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that was

what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me in

he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was when I

stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything. When I

stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out.

[Guest guest]

" Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out. "

me, too.

>

> I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that was

what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me in

he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

>

> Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was when

I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything. When I

stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

>

> Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out.

>

[Guest guest]

Its really hard for us as adult children to comprehend that our own parent

really doesn't care very much about us and to realize that our relationship with

them is very much a one-way street.

If from babyhood your experience is that all the concern and attention and

caring go toward bpd mom or bpd dad (and that is your " NORMAL " ) its hard for us

to really wrap our mind around the fact that relationships are supposed to be a

two-way street. The loving concern and caring are supposed to be mutual, not

one-sided.

We stay in denial for a long time because it hurts too much to fully absorb and

accept that reality.

The truth can set you free, but the truth hurts.

-Annie

>

> I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that was

what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me in

he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

>

> Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was when

I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything. When I

stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

>

> Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out.

>

[Guest guest]

Great realization. I feel the same way about my nada. During one phone call I

heard myself yell into the phone, " I don't want to be your misery sponge! " Â

It's great not being her misery sponge anymore... not so great to face that I am

still a little miserable. Wouldn't it be great if we could just go into our

brains, find the the wiring that programs us to think about our mothers and just

CUT it?

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, June 10, 2011 3:28 AM

Subject: Another major realization yesterday

Â

I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that was

what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me in

he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was when I

stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything. When I

stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out.

[Guest guest]

I have been through the exact same thing. I stopped telling her " poor you " , " oh

that must have felt so bad " or " how dare he/she treats you like that " etc. about

2-3 years ago. It was progressive, but I got to the point where I would stay

quiet.

She would bash my Brother's girlfriend and I would say " gotta go, I am starving,

lunch is ready " , or I would just *not* join her in any way.

I became not so relevant to her anymore. I wasn't feeding her anymore. Our

relationship became so sad and stale at times. It was drama free for long

periods of time (2-4 months) which is huge, but I was afraid nothing would be

left of the relationship if I didn't reflect on her feeling as usual or " feed "

her something.

But I got used to being ok and even happy about it. I am slowly claiming my own

space, my own voice, my own power.

I remember that there were times where she would not call me for weeks, when

before she used to call me all the times, because I was always there for her.

I felt like for my BP Mom, I had disapeared from the surface of the earth

somehow.

She used to be so controlling, and just always in my business. The change was

big. She calls my brother every day, probably cause he is still feeding her the

" poor Momy " stuff.

I realized also that what she wasn't getting from me, she tried to get from

others. So she focused on other relationships, like my Brother's girlfriend, who

at once was an " all good " person, or some new " girlfriend " .

It was sad to realize that a lot of the relationship was geared toward

satisfying her, taking care of her own needs.

But I feel all of this emotional processing takes time, you don't grow out of an

unealthy relationship over a few months only.

There's sadness, anger, feelings of loss, that seem to come and go often.

Anyway, I just wanted to say I feel for you. I think I know what you're going

through.

Coralie

[Guest guest]

Coralie,

You just described my situation with nada to a T. Now that I have gotten here, I

am wondering what took me so long! This is a good place to be--a little lonely,

sometimes grieving the loss my illusions, but oh-so drama free.

>

>

> I have been through the exact same thing. I stopped telling her " poor you " ,

" oh that must have felt so bad " or " how dare he/she treats you like that " etc.

about 2-3 years ago. It was progressive, but I got to the point where I would

stay quiet.

> She would bash my Brother's girlfriend and I would say " gotta go, I am

starving, lunch is ready " , or I would just *not* join her in any way.

>

> I became not so relevant to her anymore. I wasn't feeding her anymore. Our

relationship became so sad and stale at times. It was drama free for long

periods of time (2-4 months) which is huge, but I was afraid nothing would be

left of the relationship if I didn't reflect on her feeling as usual or " feed "

her something.

>

> But I got used to being ok and even happy about it. I am slowly claiming my

own space, my own voice, my own power.

> I remember that there were times where she would not call me for weeks, when

before she used to call me all the times, because I was always there for her.

>

> I felt like for my BP Mom, I had disapeared from the surface of the earth

somehow.

>

> She used to be so controlling, and just always in my business. The change was

big. She calls my brother every day, probably cause he is still feeding her the

" poor Momy " stuff.

>

> I realized also that what she wasn't getting from me, she tried to get from

others. So she focused on other relationships, like my Brother's girlfriend, who

at once was an " all good " person, or some new " girlfriend " .

>

> It was sad to realize that a lot of the relationship was geared toward

satisfying her, taking care of her own needs.

> But I feel all of this emotional processing takes time, you don't grow out of

an unealthy relationship over a few months only.

> There's sadness, anger, feelings of loss, that seem to come and go often.

>

> Anyway, I just wanted to say I feel for you. I think I know what you're going

through.

> Coralie

>

[Guest guest]

I cut mine!!! Gone, gone, gone!!!

(Now if the rest of my life could only get better.)

But I understand completely what you mean.

When we were kids, neighborhood children flocked around my mother. But as I

look back on it now, she loomed large in the games by being the center of

attention of them. It was never watching the child, figuring out what the child

wanted, playing what the child needed to play. Or if it was, suddenly she would

grow tired of it and not want to anymore and say it was babyish. Always *SHE*

was the center of attention...telling stories about high school or her first

apartment or something else that we would all listen to, or...you guessed

it...sharing a sob story in order to hear " Poor you! " That is a heady thing for

a little kid. It makes a child feel very important. Then you grow up and find

out you're not very important, and also that you don't know crap.

Needy, needy, needy! A relationship with her was just like one big vacuum. It

really got to the point that interaction with her was either: Her lecturing

about something and me applauding, or her complaining about something and me

saying, " Poor baby. " She really does not know how to interact with people any

other way. And for the longest time, neither did I.

Sad.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Oh boy do I ever relate.

This is the only use I have EVER had for my mother. EVER. When I do not do this,

I don't exist for her, she won't even give me eye contact. I think I spent my

childhood being her lay therapist because it was the only time I had her rapt

attention, otherwise she wouldn't even meet my eyes.

I am pulling away because she stabs me in the back. I can't take that, it's

crap. And this last time, was her piece de resistance, because she character

assassinated me to a house-vandalizing, child abusing, piece of human garbage.

and it was during an argument where I was fighting yet again, one of her

battles, when I had this information dropped right in my lap.

So she is going her level best to make bpd SIL her new 'daughter' because I have

outlived my usefulness to her.

>

> I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that was

what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me in

he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

>

> Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was when

I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything. When I

stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

>

> Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's BPD,

and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally seeing

the way out.

>

[Guest guest]

Neither one of them sound worth a plug nickle ;-)

> >

> > I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that

was what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me

in he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

> >

> > Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was

when I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything.

When I stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

> >

> > Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's

BPD, and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally

seeing the way out.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

what is strange to me is that both brothers and my sister saw the bad side of my

mother this whole time. I had actually canonized her as a victim of my father. I

was really shocked to hear my brothers; perspective on her ...they remembered

her being antagonistic with my father and relentlessly critical, which I can see

now, and my sister once told me that the majority of her need for therapy was

from my mother, which stunned me. that was years ago and now I finally see it.

I had to change my email ID because I realize the one I was using prior is known

to some of my family members.

> > >

> > > I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought that

was what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not keeping me

in he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast its eerie.

> > >

> > > Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was

when I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything.

When I stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

> > >

> > > Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out she's

BPD, and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and finally

seeing the way out.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Perhaps you'd been given the role of your nada's " golden child " , so you had a

distorted, over-idealized view of her all along. Now, you're able to see more

clearly that she is just as dysfunctional and toxic as your fada.

I hope that you and your siblings can now grow closer with each other in

friendship and understanding, becomimg more supportive and validating to each

other. Its so great when siblings can be real friends. When the parents are

personality disordered, it seems there is a tendency to pit their children

against each other and encourage sibling rivalry.

And I agree that when your n-parents or n-relatives are computer-savvy and use

the Internet a lot, its wise to switch to an anonymous ID when discussing

negative, toxic personal family issues at Groups like this.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought

that was what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not

keeping me in he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast

its eerie.

> > > >

> > > > Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst was

when I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything.

When I stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

> > > >

> > > > Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out

she's BPD, and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and

finally seeing the way out.

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

thanks for the feedback, it's odd because I am not the goldenn child at all, i

am the bad seed. i think that is the dynamic that kept me hooked in, actually...

it's weird but I saw her as 'good' and in need of rescue, and she favored my

brothers and sister over me...I think I kept trying to rescue her to win her

approval. I have worked harder at having a relationship with her than any of my

siblings, and yet I am the one she stabs in the back (in part because of

religious things, the brothers follow her religion and the sister pretends to

when convenient).

I don't know why on earth I have played her game this long. it's very weird. I

am just now trying to understand, now that I see the light.

But my sister and brothers don't care if I live or die, literally. None of us

are close at all, and never will be. both parents played all of us against each

other all the time and still do so there is just too much damage there.

> > > > >

> > > > > I have pulled away from nada over the past year or so, and I thought

that was what has caused her to 'punish' me by not staying in contact, not

keeping me in he loop. I've gone from golden child to forgotten child so fast

its eerie.

> > > > >

> > > > > Then yesterday after sharing some posts here I realized the catalyst

was when I stopped allowing her to complain to me about everyone and everything.

When I stopped being the repository for all her complaints, I also stopped

validating/reflecting her as Big Victim. Since she can't use me to reinforce her

victimhood anymore, I am now useless to her. She is probably resentful as well,

not fully understanding what changed in our relationship, only that I don't

support her anymore.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thank God I found the literature online that led me to figuring out

she's BPD, and led me here. I feel like I've been in hell for decades and

finally seeing the way out.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>