Re: repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings damaged by a BP mother

[Guest guest]

I am the oldest of 4 kids, all two years apart.

My brother closest in age to me (18 now) and I have always been really close. We

used to fight sometimes when we were little but now, even though we're as

different as night and day, we take care of each other, have each others' backs

and can laugh together.

My relationship with my other two siblings is still healing. This is one of the

biggest issues for me as well, simply because I don't know where I would be

without my siblings and we're all working together to salvage our selves, our

relationships with each other and overcome the trauma together.

Nada pitted us against each other from the get-go. She forced us into roles and

it damaged all of us in different ways. She hurt my brother closest in age to

me, so my other brother and I rallied with him, she made my other brother into

the whipping boy, so we ignored him and she made my sister into the golden child

so we hated her.

My sister (who I am 6 years older than) was the golden child and could do no

wrong. Nada was training her in the manipulative conniving ways. Sister would

provoke us and hurt us until we snapped and then we would get in trouble. She

was such a little sh*t, I truly hated her when I left for school. Now that

Nada's out of the house and Dad's been reprogramming her, I'm pleased to say she

is a kind, generous, loving kid. She looks up to me and loves everyone from the

bottom of her heart. The difference is unbelievable. I love her to pieces now.

When sister was born, my youngest brother was cast aside. His nickname was

Peepers (I gave it to him when I saw him in the hospital the first time. His

beautiful big blue eyes were wide open all the time, taking in everything). He

became lost in a way, his quiet attitude and easy-going ways making him easy to

ignore and even easier for Nada to pick on. He and my other brother used to be

exceptionally close, but now he's struggling more than anyone to put himself

together after all this trauma. He and my brother have grown apart, he's

struggling to have a relationship with my sister who tormented him but now wants

nothing more than to be his friend, and trust my Dad. He doesn't talk to me

much, but I feel guilty as hell for not having a relationship with him. I only

ever played with him if I was also playing with my other brother. I feel

horrible for not protecting him as I should have. He internalized his pain and

just took her abuse. I know as another kid, what could I do, but it hurts so

much just thinking about it. I know he's suffering because he didn't get the

love he needed and now doesn't know how to get what he needs. It's so painful to

see him in such pain. I wish there was more I could do, but I'm almost a hundred

miles away.

My brother closest in age to me was split all bad. He is in denial about the

sheer amount of pain he is in. He's severely depressed, but luckily as he goes

to the same University as I do, we've gotten into the same clinic for T. I'm

glad he's finally getting help.

It's a long path for healing. There's a lot of water under the bridge, but

ultimately we've become a team.

I'm not sure what it was that brought us so close. We were able to hide and

protect each other in some instances. I remember my brothers and I holding each

other in one of our closets when Nada was raging at Dad. Because she hated all

of us, we came together, and now we're working with becoming friends with

sister.

I think a lot of it had to do with Dad taking action. It took him too long, but

he did.

I hope you and your sibling are able to find common ground and see that your

experiences unite you rather than tear you apart. Have you tried any T with your

sibling?

>

> I would like to start a conversation among those who are the siblings of a BP

parent. Specifically about how people's relationships with their siblings were

effected as they grew up and how they went about repairing them as time went on.

>

[Guest guest]

Hey, . I think I will post my reply for the " no subject " thread here, since

it seems to fit best. I can tell that the potential loss of a relationship with

your sister is very painful for you, and I think that is undertsandable. What

you say here makes a lot of sense to me:

>> I feel like I've had to survive three times over or something. 

There is a LOT of grieving involved in healing from the damage done by a BPD

parent. First, we grieve the obvious: our BPD parent wasn't the parent we needed

or wish we had. Then, the less obvious: Our other parent wasn't our " hero. " He

sacrificed us to save himself, or otherwise simply never stood up to her rants

and rages or did anything to protect us. Finally--and especially when we stop

filling the roles that our dysfunctional families have cast us in--we often also

have to grieve the loss of relationships with our siblings. Either they have PDs

of their own, or they just simply aren't ready or able to support us. Sometimes,

as you mentioned, they have pain and resentment towards us that they can't let

go.

I know I am incredibly lucky, but my sister and I are very close and are able to

support one another when it comes to dealing with our parents. In many ways, I

think we both feel I am more of a mother to her than the woman who raised us.

From the beginning, I saw her as my baby--I asked for a sibling, I chose her

gender (she is adopted), I picked her name, I was the first in the family to

hold her. There were many years when I simply found her incredibly annoying, but

once I went to college and she was in middle school, the developmental age gap

got to be less of a problem.

Though it was not always consistent--often my mother would switch how she split

us--I would say I was the golden child. I never had trouble in school, I got

recognition for leadership and good grades, I got solos in choir, etc., and I

think my mother especially felt important when I succeeded. She and my father

were always at every single concert, every award ceremony. But grades never came

easily for my sister, and she didn't get much recognition for anything even

though she does have talent, and they would make lots of excuses for why they

could never come to her concerts and plays. When I have moved, my parents have

always harassed me to let them help, even when I didn't ask them or even want

them there, driving 800 miles one time (I was married and had professional

movers!). On the other hand, when my sister has moved, our mother says things to

her like " I hope you're not expecting me to help you. It's just too hard for me

and I'm not going to come. You'll have to find a way to do it yourself. " The

unfairness towards my sister infuriates both of us.

There were times when she was younger and I was in high school trying to form an

identity of my own when I was the blackened one; I used to get annoyed that

every time my sister said something my mother would laugh her head off and

remark how funny she is, whereas if I cracked a joke, she'd burst into tears and

berate me for being so rude and ugly. It took me years to realize that I really

do have a great sense of humor.

Anyway, when my sister was in school, I made sure she knew she could always stay

with me and my husband instead of going home, and that if mom and dad cut her

off or made her quit school the way mom threatened, we would find a way to help

her out (like she could live with us and go to community college near us, and

either pay rent or babysit, etc.) I did not want her to feel like she had to

give in to the blackmail. I feel very protective of her, and usually hearing

about mom's behavior toward her makes me angrier than anything she ever has done

to me. But I'm very proud of her now, she's in grad school and refuses any

financial help from our parents; she's paying her own way and finding her own

jobs and just growing up really well.

So, we're close. I imagine this journey would be 100x harder if I didn't have

her validation and support. I know others have given you good advice about how

to deal with a sibling who doesn't want to be close. You have mentioned a time

in your life when you treated your sister in a way you now regret; have you

apologized for that and let her know you are sorry for how you behaved when you

were younger? Otherwise, I think your having let her know that she can come

around when she is ready sounds like a healthy response. I'm sorry she is not

able to be close to you right now.

Sveta