Have you ever encountered your mother's twin?

[Guest guest]

So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal responsibility

and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been disturbing and

pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my reactions to this

woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable around her and on the other

hand terrified and like I had to do anything to get away. Then I have to remind

myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever problems she's got are mercifully

not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime. It also is weird to see the odd

thinking patterns in another person - it helps validate for me that what my nada

has really is a mental illness and really never has been personally about me.

It's a real set of symptoms that go together.

So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you to

see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Yes, its pretty remarkable that once we are able to take off our blindfold and

earplugs of denial, it gets easier to spot the various groupings of symptoms and

traits in a given individual that define bpd, npd, and other personality

disorders.

Everyone can behave badly, selfishly, thoughtlessly, etc., now and then because

we are human beings and nobody is perfect, but when non-pd people behave badly

we feel guilt and remorse about it, we accept that we are responsible for our

own words and deeds, we apologize, and try to be mindful about not doing that

again because we don't want to hurt our loved ones or ourselves.

But if someone displays certain sets of negative, toxic behaviors frequently and

intensely, or chronically, that can indicate the probability of a personality

disorder.

Its much easier for me to spot (potentially) personality-disordered individuals

now. I give myself time to observe a new acquaintance before I get too engaged

with them. It takes time to figure out if someone is just having a bad day, or

going through a bad time in their life, of if their negative, abusive, or

selfish & unempathetic, or charmingly manipulative, slippery, con-artist

behaviors are really an embedded and toxic part of their " normal " character

/personality, or not.

-Annie

>

> So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal responsibility

and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been disturbing and

pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my reactions to this

woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable around her and on the other

hand terrified and like I had to do anything to get away. Then I have to remind

myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever problems she's got are mercifully

not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime. It also is weird to see the odd

thinking patterns in another person - it helps validate for me that what my nada

has really is a mental illness and really never has been personally about me.

It's a real set of symptoms that go together.

>

> So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you to

see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

>

> Eliza

>

[Guest guest]

I " see " people who look like nada all the time. overweight, pugnacious

facial expression alternating with poor me facial expression, over the top

body language, and horrible fashion sense - fire engine red hair with blonde

or pink streaks, cut short and spiked out all over (but not in a cool punk

rock way more like I can't let the 80s go kind of way), denim jumper dress

or overalls or oversized men's shirt - yeah, its a horrible look. And I just

veer away.

i also see women who act like nada. Typically they are over 50, pushing 70,

they do things like stand in the middle of the road and bark orders at

people who don't need to listen to them, and alternately they melt down and

become a wet pile of tears, when something doesn't go their way it is never

their fault, and they NEVER try to do better next time. Its always someone

else victimizing them.

Yeah, they freak me out. My boyfriend, who I think only met my nada once,

maybe twice, but has def spent less than 3 hours with her. He can spot them

and he knows which ones are going to freak me out.

That said, I also have EXTREME distrust of mother figures - not mothers my

age and younger - but women my mother's age. I guess part of me thinks that

generation was taught a lot of crappy stuff, considering that I have both a

npd/bpd/aspd mother and I had the same in my ex-mother in law. So yeah, that

combo, and I pretty much don't like anyone's mother.

Even my boyfriend's mom I psychoanalyze. She is not BPD, but she is kind of

adrift, as in TOTALLY not paying attention to life around her here on earth.

I've never been able to get close to her. And then he has 4 sisters - one of

them is a bpd/alcoholic, I am very very LC with her, and the other three are

just nice mormon moms. Yeah, I don't really have much to say to anyone in

the family. Poor boyfriend, sometimes I feel like he got a dud. I mean, if I

never eat Sunday dinner with any of them for the rest of my life, I'd be

just fine with that. To be honest, I find them both boring and unreliable -

they operate on what we call " mormon " time where I am from, AKA, they never

set a schedule and then keep the schedule. That is kind of a deal breaker

for me, I find calendars and clocks to be extremely helpful.

I digress, but yes, I see her in other people pretty often.

On Fri, Oct 7, 2011 at 11:22 PM, eliza92@... <

eliza92@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

> nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> disturbing and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my

> reactions to this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable

> around her and on the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to

> get away. Then I have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever

> problems she's got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime.

> It also is weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it

> helps validate for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and

> really never has been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that

> go together.

>

> So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

> to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

>

> Eliza

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Wow. My nada has the fire engine red hair too. No streaks, though.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

> > nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> > responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> > disturbing and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my

> > reactions to this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable

> > around her and on the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to

> > get away. Then I have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever

> > problems she's got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime.

> > It also is weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it

> > helps validate for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and

> > really never has been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that

> > go together.

> >

> > So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

> > to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout, wow your mother sounds like a scary version of Cyndi Lauper! At

least her type stands out from a distance and you can scamper away quickly. I

know what you mean about mothers - I think I probably take an overly suspicious

stance with them myself.

Eliza

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

> > nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> > responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> > disturbing and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my

> > reactions to this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable

> > around her and on the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to

> > get away. Then I have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever

> > problems she's got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime.

> > It also is weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it

> > helps validate for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and

> > really never has been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that

> > go together.

> >

> > So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

> > to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, that's great you are able to spot the PD'd people and I like your point

about trying to determine the context of their bad behavior. Because most bits

of PD stuff can be something a normal person might do...rarely.

Eliza

> >

> > So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal responsibility

and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been disturbing and

pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my reactions to this

woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable around her and on the other

hand terrified and like I had to do anything to get away. Then I have to remind

myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever problems she's got are mercifully

not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime. It also is weird to see the odd

thinking patterns in another person - it helps validate for me that what my nada

has really is a mental illness and really never has been personally about me.

It's a real set of symptoms that go together.

> >

> > So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

>

[Guest guest]

HAAAA Cindy Lauper!!!! Yep plus a lot of extra weight and worse fashion. .

..

The scariest ones are better actors and you can't spot it off the bat, but

I'm good on the obvious ones. I JUST RUN the other way

On Sat, Oct 8, 2011 at 7:03 PM, eliza92@... <

eliza92@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> Annie, that's great you are able to spot the PD'd people and I like your

> point about trying to determine the context of their bad behavior. Because

> most bits of PD stuff can be something a normal person might do...rarely.

>

> Eliza

>

>

>

> > >

> > > So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of

> my nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> disturbing and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my

> reactions to this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable

> around her and on the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to

> get away. Then I have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever

> problems she's got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime.

> It also is weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it

> helps validate for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and

> really never has been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that

> go together.

> > >

> > > So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to

> you to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

> > >

> > > Eliza

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I have been dealing w/someone w/some of my nada's symptoms and some of

fada's. She is one of my customers (dog grooming). Her dog is almost as

nutty as she is! I've known her for 4 yrs., and it started out as kind of a

challenge for me to " deal " with her. Now, frankly, she's just on my nerves.

She wants to be " friends " , but as you know, that's a one way

street.......everything is about them. It really does validate that what my

nada & fada

have is a mental illness, as you stated.

In a message dated 10/8/2011 1:23:05 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

eliza92@... writes:

So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

disturbing

and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my reactions to

this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable around her and on

the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to get away. Then I

have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever problems she's

got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime. It also is

weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it helps validate

for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and really never has

been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that go together.

So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

Eliza

[Guest guest]

Do you have to keep her as a client? If you don't want to, then I would make

up an excuse to refer her to another groomer. Like, Oh I'm not taking cocker

spaniels anymore but so and so is an expert. . . That type of thing.

> **

>

>

> I have been dealing w/someone w/some of my nada's symptoms and some of

> fada's. She is one of my customers (dog grooming). Her dog is almost as

> nutty as she is! I've known her for 4 yrs., and it started out as kind of a

>

> challenge for me to " deal " with her. Now, frankly, she's just on my nerves.

>

> She wants to be " friends " , but as you know, that's a one way

> street.......everything is about them. It really does validate that what my

> nada & fada

> have is a mental illness, as you stated.

>

>

> In a message dated 10/8/2011 1:23:05 A.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

> eliza92@... writes:

>

> So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

> nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> disturbing

> and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my reactions to

> this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable around her and on

>

> the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to get away. Then I

> have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever problems she's

> got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime. It also is

> weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it helps

> validate

> for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and really never

> has

> been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that go together.

>

> So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

> to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

>

> Eliza

>

>

[Guest guest]

Kotchteddy, I hope there's some way to disentangle yourself but I guess when

you've got a business and have to guard your reputation you don't want to make

her feel personally rejected either. This " twin " I've met also seems to push to

be friends as I work to keep it business. And just like that post the other

day it's SO FRUSTRATING that it's the PD people who push so hard to be friends

and seem to be attracted to us KO's.

Eliza

>

> I have been dealing w/someone w/some of my nada's symptoms and some of

> fada's. She is one of my customers (dog grooming). Her dog is almost as

> nutty as she is! I've known her for 4 yrs., and it started out as kind of a

> challenge for me to " deal " with her. Now, frankly, she's just on my nerves.

> She wants to be " friends " , but as you know, that's a one way

> street.......everything is about them. It really does validate that what my

nada & fada

> have is a mental illness, as you stated.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout said " I also have EXTREME distrust of mother figures - not mothers my

age and younger - but women my mother's age. "

YEAH me too!! It takes me a long time to get to know them and feel safe with

them. I'm afraid I'll be judged and of course, found wanting.

Something else you said: " Poor boyfriend, sometimes I feel like he got a dud. I

mean, if I never eat Sunday dinner with any of them for the rest of my life, I'd

be just fine with that. "

ha ha had to laugh; that's how i feel for my husband. i really don't mind if i

never see his family. although I did love his mom. she was great. she was real

and just liked people as they were.

to answer the original question, yes! I do see my mother's twin,

personality-wise. It takes me a few minutes (whereas it used to take me much

longer) to sniff out the waifiness, the poor me component BEFORE the neediness

sets in and the ultimate clutching on to me. In the past, when I would meet my

mother's kindred spirits, I would engage them and try to help them. Now, I tune

them out right away. They don't like it and can get snippy, but that's the price

to pay for my freedom!!

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > So I finally have run into someone with a very similar constellation of my

> > nada's symptoms - some of her distortion issues around personal

> > responsibility and consequences and reality/priority perception. It's been

> > disturbing and pretty educational for me. I'm amazed at the force of my

> > reactions to this woman - on the one hand I felt strangely comfortable

> > around her and on the other hand terrified and like I had to do anything to

> > get away. Then I have to remind myself that she's NOT my mother and whatever

> > problems she's got are mercifully not anything I'm tied to for a lifetime.

> > It also is weird to see the odd thinking patterns in another person - it

> > helps validate for me that what my nada has really is a mental illness and

> > really never has been personally about me. It's a real set of symptoms that

> > go together.

> >

> > So I wonder have any of you had this experience? What has it meant to you

> > to see your nada in another person you are unrelated to?

> >

> > Eliza

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I've been trying to disengage with this client on a personal level. She's

been leaving messages crying, telling me of her " problems " " whoa is me

stories " long, long messages...............Says I'm the " only one that cares

about her " , (she's chased everyone out of her life due to BPD), but like nada

& fada, thinks she's justified and everything is everyone elses fault.

I've been point blank w/her on how I feel about her behavior, anger towards

everyone, pity parties and self absorbsion....she understands NONE of it.

I've flat out told her I'd never call her as a friend if I needed to talk to

someone because the conversation would turn in to be all about her. She

doesn't get it.

I've been down this road with my parents for 57 years, and I'm not about to

do it again now that I'm aware of BPD and the damage it can do. For right

now, I'll groom her dog and that's it. Everyone under the sun has offered

her help in one way or another, and as you know, they don't think they

need help. Apparently, I'm the only one left that has anything to do with

her, and it's strictly business at this point.

It's so pitiful and sad, but I can't allow another BP to suck the life out

of me.

Thanks for suggestions.

Laurie

In a message dated 10/9/2011 6:07:36 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

eliza92@... writes:

Kotchteddy, I hope there's some way to disentangle yourself but I guess

when you've got a business and have to guard your reputation you don't want to

make her feel personally rejected either. This " twin " I've met also seems

to push to be friends as I work to keep it business. And just like that

post the other day it's SO FRUSTRATING that it's the PD people who push so

hard to be friends and seem to be attracted to us KO's.

Eliza

>

> I have been dealing w/someone w/some of my nada's symptoms and some of

> fada's. She is one of my customers (dog grooming). Her dog is almost as

> nutty as she is! I've known her for 4 yrs., and it started out as kind

of a

> challenge for me to " deal " with her. Now, frankly, she's just on my

nerves.

> She wants to be " friends " , but as you know, that's a one way

> street.......everything is about them. It really does validate that what

my nada & fada

> have is a mental illness, as you stated.

>

>

>