Re: relationships among siblings of BPD parents

[Guest guest]

I agree with you; it sounds like you already have a lot of insight, its just

that you can't bring yourself to accept that your sister isn't interested in

having a relationship with you as an equal. From what you have described,

she's open to having you in her life but only on her terms, meaning she is in

total control of every aspect of your relationship.

So... if you are willing to accept the role of " subordinate " to her " boss " ,

then you can have a relationship with her. If you want an equal relationship,

she's probably not going to accept that. All you can do I suppose is keep

trying, keep offering, keep your door open, but if your sister has a lot of npd

traits, she'd probably just rather not have any relationship with you at all

rather than compromise, share control with you and have an equal relationship.

I hope for you that the situation will change for the better.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If

someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> >

> > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> >

> > I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a sibling

at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though I am

bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that our

mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed by my

mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine concern for

her well-being, and so on.

> >

> > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom to

share.

> >

> > ST

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie.

I honestly don't know how to accept it.  I understand intellectually that that

is the task at hand, but I cannot seem to do it such that I am at peace about

it.

Accepting that she doesn't want a relationship with me seems somehow like

abandoning her again.  I know that doesn't make sense, but I think that is part

of why I can't let go. 

I hate seeing her so tightly controlled and controlling and not open to being

loved.  It breaks my heart.

Thoughts?

S.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, October 8, 2011 10:12:18 PM

Subject: Re: relationships among siblings of BPD parents

 

I agree with you; it sounds like you already have a lot of insight, its just

that you can't bring yourself to accept that your sister isn't interested in

having a relationship with you as an equal. From what you have described,

she's open to having you in her life but only on her terms, meaning she is in

total control of every aspect of your relationship.

So... if you are willing to accept the role of " subordinate " to her " boss " ,

then you can have a relationship with her. If you want an equal relationship,

she's probably not going to accept that. All you can do I suppose is keep

trying, keep offering, keep your door open, but if your sister has a lot of npd

traits, she'd probably just rather not have any relationship with you at all

rather than compromise, share control with you and have an equal relationship.

I hope for you that the situation will change for the better.

-Annie

> >

> > Hi,

> >

> > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If

someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> >

> > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> >

> > I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a

sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though

I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that

our mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed

by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine

concern for her well-being, and so on.

> >

> > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom to

share.

> >

> > ST

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I think as we have been saying to you, you need to let go and accept the reality

about your sibling. Some people are just not ready to see the truth until a

later date, some may never even see it. It is not our job to make them see the

truth by force. It may seem clear to us, but not at all to them. I think it's

time to " accept and let go " . I ended my relationship with my sibling who is 10

years younger than me because she was reminding me and treating me too much like

my BPD Mom. She took me for granted, I was always calling, asking, I was always

there for her when she had a problem, she was never there when I had a problem.

I was the sister to her that was there to help her in need, and I was sick of

being used and abused. She would call when it suited her, she would cancel plans

to come over if she developed better plans. She is the golden child, and I was

between golden and black sheep on and off. I protected her when she was a child,

and looked after her, drove her to school, gave her money when my parents

didn't, listened to her secrets, covered for her, lied for her to my parents….

Anyway, so now I'm not speaking to her, and I have no interest in even letting

her know the truth, she needs to figure that out for herself, just like I did.

She lives with my parents at the moment, and she even convinced them that my

problem with her is sort of like my problem with Mom, she lumped it all up

together. Anyway, so what I want to say is, to avoid drama, to avoid

unnecessary pain to you, try to accept the reality of the situation, sit back,

look after yourself, and let things happen by themselves. The universe works in

mysterious ways, and who knows, she may one day realize all that you've been

trying to say to her. And if it comes to her on her own time, she will be mature

enough to handle it.

That's just my opinion though, from my experience. So it may not be what applies

to you in yours.

Hugs, take care,

N

> Thanks Annie.

>

> I honestly don't know how to accept it. I understand intellectually that that

is the task at hand, but I cannot seem to do it such that I am at peace about

it.

>

> Accepting that she doesn't want a relationship with me seems somehow like

abandoning her again. I know that doesn't make sense, but I think that is part

of why I can't let go.

>

> I hate seeing her so tightly controlled and controlling and not open to being

loved. It breaks my heart.

>

> Thoughts?

>

> S.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Saturday, October 8, 2011 10:12:18 PM

> Subject: Re: relationships among siblings of BPD parents

>

>

> I agree with you; it sounds like you already have a lot of insight, its just

that you can't bring yourself to accept that your sister isn't interested in

having a relationship with you as an equal. From what you have described, she's

open to having you in her life but only on her terms, meaning she is in total

control of every aspect of your relationship.

>

> So... if you are willing to accept the role of " subordinate " to her " boss " ,

then you can have a relationship with her. If you want an equal relationship,

she's probably not going to accept that. All you can do I suppose is keep

trying, keep offering, keep your door open, but if your sister has a lot of npd

traits, she'd probably just rather not have any relationship with you at all

rather than compromise, share control with you and have an equal relationship.

>

> I hope for you that the situation will change for the better.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials. If

someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> > >

> > > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> > >

> > > I was the scapegoated child. Although I was far from an angel of a

sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though

I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that

our mother has BPD. It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed

by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine

concern for her well-being, and so on.

> > >

> > > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom

to share.

> > >

> > > ST

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I wish I did have some insightful thoughts to share with you; I can " hear " how

painful this is for you. It IS hard to reach out a hand to someone you love

but they reject it. It can break your heart. But your sister has her own

journey and her own choices to make; perhaps where she's at right now feels safe

to her and she's comfortable there. If you leave your door open to the

possibility that some day she may feel the need for change and will want to have

more of a real relationship with you, that would be very loving and

compassionate. But you can't make her decisions for her, you can't make her

journey for her. I hope you can at least shed any inappropriate and misplaced

feelings of responsibility you may be carrying for your sister's choices and

decisions. That's not abandoning your sister, its respecting her and

acknowledging that she is an adult and has the right and the responsibility to

make her own decisions and to choose her own path.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If

someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> > >

> > > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> > >

> > > I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a

sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though

I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that

our mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed

by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine

concern for her well-being, and so on.

> > >

> > > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom

to share.

> > >

> > > ST

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

That makes a lot of sense and it is insightful.  Thank you.

I have let her know that my door is open.  I hope one day she decides to walk

through it.

S.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 9, 2011 10:51:39 AM

Subject: Re: relationships among siblings of BPD parents

 

I wish I did have some insightful thoughts to share with you; I can " hear " how

painful this is for you. It IS hard to reach out a hand to someone you love

but they reject it. It can break your heart. But your sister has her own

journey and her own choices to make; perhaps where she's at right now feels safe

to her and she's comfortable there. If you leave your door open to the

possibility that some day she may feel the need for change and will want to have

more of a real relationship with you, that would be very loving and

compassionate. But you can't make her decisions for her, you can't make her

journey for her. I hope you can at least shed any inappropriate and misplaced

feelings of responsibility you may be carrying for your sister's choices and

decisions. That's not abandoning your sister, its respecting her and

acknowledging that she is an adult and has the right and the responsibility to

make her own decisions and to choose her own path.

-Annie

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials. 

If someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> > >

> > > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> > >

> > > I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of

a sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as

though I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now

recognizes that our mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so

thoroughly brainwashed by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my

kindness, my genuine concern for her well-being, and so on.

> > >

> > > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom

to share.

> > >

> > > ST

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

I can relate to this. It is a loss. I feel for you.

> > >

> > > Hi,

> > >

> > > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials.  If

someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> > >

> > > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> > >

> > > I was the scapegoated child.  Although I was far from an angel of a

sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as though

I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now recognizes that

our mother has BPD.  It is almost as though she was so thoroughly brainwashed

by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my kindness, my genuine

concern for her well-being, and so on.

> > >

> > > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or wisdom

to share.

> > >

> > > ST

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Hi,

This doesn't belong in this thread, but I'm too frustrated right now to find

the right thread. Can someone tell me what identifying information is here

for me. I've taken to adopting a different name to see if that works,

because I can't figure out how to not have a name show.

Thanks,

S.

> **

>

>

> I can relate to this. It is a loss. I feel for you.

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > Hi,

> > > >

> > > > I am wondering if anything has been written about relationships among

> siblings of BPD parents, either on this site or in published materials. If

> someone could direct me to anything I would be grateful.

> > > >

> > > > I'm wondering specifically about the dynamics between the scapegoated

> sibling and non scapegoated sibling(s).

> > > >

> > > > I was the scapegoated child. Although I was far from an angel of a

> sibling at certain points while growing up, my sibling still treats me as

> though I am bad (we are in our forties at present), even though she now

> recognizes that our mother has BPD. It is almost as though she was so

> thoroughly brainwashed by my mother that she cannot see me, my strengths, my

> kindness, my genuine concern for her well-being, and so on.

> > > >

> > > > Does anyone out there have an experience of this sort of thing or

> wisdom to share.

> > > >

> > > > ST

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Hi,

As you can see below, the name now appearing when you post (at the Group site)

is " zoey finn " . Let's see if that one sticks! Thumb's up!

-Annie

>

> Hi,

>

> This doesn't belong in this thread, but I'm too frustrated right now to find

> the right thread. Can someone tell me what identifying information is here

> for me. I've taken to adopting a different name to see if that works,

> because I can't figure out how to not have a name show.

>

> Thanks,

> S.