I lost it!!

October 9, 2011

HI all:)

I just love this group! I love reading everyone's stories. It is soooo

helpful to hear how similar they are to my own. On the flip, it's also very

difficult for me to read because it starts to bring up all the old feelings,

a lot like therapy is doing. I think for the most part this is good. I think

it's good to look at the BS and feel it, but in a different frame and a

different light. I'm a big girl now and I'm safe. I don't always have any

new comments other than what is already being said. In fact, the one thing

I'm most struck by this group, is how strong everyone is. Do you ever get

that from other people, " you're so strong " ? I get it a lot and it's almost

irritating to me. I don't want to be strong anymore. I just want to live.

Anyway, I feel badly for not saying too much but I don't know that I have

enough of the healthy perspective yet to be very helpful, I'm getting there.

Just want to say thank you to those who are sharing and supporting.

So I have a story for you and maybe you all can help me pull it apart. My

sis and I pulled it apart pretty well but we both often have the same

perspective. For a little background. I live in an area with a VERY large

hot air balloon festival. It's absolutely amazing and magical! My sis and

I are quite close and have been gographically seperated for the last

handfull of years. Every year we make it a tradition to get together for the

fiesta and then spend a day peeling and canning green chiles. It makes for a

great weekend!! We love it and always have a great time together.

Balloon fiesta involves a lot of missed sleep. You have to get up well

before the ass crack of dawn to make it to the field in time to see the

balloons glow and launch. it's a spectacular site! We get up around 4 am,

drink coffee, fight the crowds, eat breakfast burrittos, say oo and ahh,

then come home for a nap. I also have ensomnia and only about 3 hrs of sleep

the first night and maybe 6 the next. I've also been really struggling with

my anxiety lately and some funky pms hormone weirdness. Add to that really

fun cocktail a dash of hyper stimulation and a bit of low blood sugar and we

have a lovely concotion of Crazy. Although tired and a little fried, my Sis

and I decided to go get some Indian food for lunch.

We were going along having a fun day when out of no where crazy hits me,

almost literally. We were driving through the parking lot toward the

restaurant when I see a lady pulling out of a parking stall. I think to

myself, " Surely she will stop when she sees me. " . Nope! She actually speeds

up a but and then slams on her brakes just in time to avoid hitting me. She

then honks at me. WTF?! My sis and I discussed how odd it was that she

honked at me when, at best, she was the one not paying attention to what she

was doing, and likely, meant to cause a bad situation. We laugh it off as

stupid people feeling entitled to the world. Still havin' a great day! I

park and we get out chattering all along. As we are walking toward the

restaurant the woman pulls up, rolls down her window and starts to scold me.

This is where I completely FLIP! I'm a raving lunatic! I'm pretty sure my

head spun all the way around and green foam came out of my mouth. She never

once stopped yapping at me. I tired to explain to her the traffic has the

right of way not the people in the parking spaces. When she didn't stop

yapping to hear what I was saying, I started running toward the door-

running! While running I started yelling at her to " f-off lady! " . But she

follows me in her car continuing to yap. This is where it's a tiny bit

funny, I realize she's following me so I yell, " Lady, I told you to f-off,

now GO F-off!! " . I guess she just isn't in to f-ing off or doesn't speak

french. She continued to follow and yell at me so I stopped in my tracks

and turned toward her. I just stood there. Kind of like when a bull stares

down the bull fighter all bloody but drooling. I was totally freaked out at

this point and completely confused. I felt like I was dreaming and couldn't

figure out what to do. I couldn't get away from her and I wasn't going to

waste my breath explaining the traffic laws to an idiot. I think stopping

and staring at her was a mix of me standing my ground and also my defeat. I

knew she wasn't going to leave me alone so I might as well turn and take the

beating. I also think I wanted to beat her. I'm not really a beat-up kind of

girl. I'm more of a peace keeper, not a fighter. But I'd met my limit and

it seemed like she wanted a fight so I was willing to give her one. So I

just stood there waiting for her next move, but the weirdest thing

happened. She stopped yapping and appeared to be confused! She looks at me

standing there and all she has is, " You're trash!, oh yeah, look at you,

you're just trash! " . She drove away and I ran inside mortified and bawling.

I was REALLY shaken and upset. I was also in shock at my behavior as well as

embarrassed. In fact, I'm pretty mortified. If she had gotten out of her car

I'm sure I would have tried to fight her. This is SO not my style!! I

seriously feel like I really just dreamed the whole thing. It felt so

twilight zone.

So what I have so far is that this woman scared the crap out of me right off

the get go by pursuing me. She had what appeared to be her adult son and

daughter in the back seat which also felt threatening. She sought me out to

punish me for something that was not oly not my fault but was hers not to

mention no collision ever happened. If she had hit my car I easily could

have filed a claim. She was yelling nonsense at me. She was yelling at me

and pointing. I don't do yelling or even loud voices very well. It totally

freaks me out! I also don't do accusations, particularly the false ones;)

Then she continued to pursue me and wouldn't let me leave. I felt trapped!!

I felt like my sister was also trapped. Then finally in true BPD form, when

she had nothing left, she cut to the core by insulting me. The whole thing

was really scary and terrorizing. It seems so silly. If any other person had

been in my situation. I'm sure they would have handled it in a much calmer

stable fashion. In fact, I know I have had other similar situations where I

was perfectly capable of having an adult conversation even with an idiot.

This time, not so much. I was completely out of control! I feel like a nut

job:( What's funny, or not so much, is the insult got to me. I actually

considered what about my appearance could come across as trashy. my outfit

might have been a bit androgynous but certainly not trashy. Not sure why I'm

giving it a second thought. Incidentally nada used to call me " little girl "

when she wanted to disempower me.

Thanks for listening and here's to feeling a little crazy now so I don't

have to be a lot crazy later.

Jules

October 9, 2011

As a bicyclist who has been harassed on the road many times, I can tell you that

you did nothing wrong. All people are BPD behind the wheel, as far as I'm

concerned. Lol. Just a tip, if you'd like, next time a crazy, road-raging BPD

pursues you, don't run. Stop, pull out your phone, and dial 911 and tell them

you are doing so. Tell the harasser that you take her threats on your life

seriously and she can discuss it with the police. Tell 911 she is trying to run

you down with her car (which she was).

It's like those suicide threats, they won't do it if they know there will be

consequences besides them getting the attention they want.

I'm sorry one of the crazies came after you. =(

>

> HI all:)

> I just love this group! I love reading everyone's stories. It is soooo

> helpful to hear how similar they are to my own. On the flip, it's also very

> difficult for me to read because it starts to bring up all the old feelings,

> a lot like therapy is doing. I think for the most part this is good. I think

> it's good to look at the BS and feel it, but in a different frame and a

> different light. I'm a big girl now and I'm safe. I don't always have any

> new comments other than what is already being said. In fact, the one thing

> I'm most struck by this group, is how strong everyone is. Do you ever get

> that from other people, " you're so strong " ? I get it a lot and it's almost

> irritating to me. I don't want to be strong anymore. I just want to live.

> Anyway, I feel badly for not saying too much but I don't know that I have

> enough of the healthy perspective yet to be very helpful, I'm getting there.

> Just want to say thank you to those who are sharing and supporting.

>

> So I have a story for you and maybe you all can help me pull it apart. My

> sis and I pulled it apart pretty well but we both often have the same

> perspective. For a little background. I live in an area with a VERY large

> hot air balloon festival. It's absolutely amazing and magical! My sis and

> I are quite close and have been gographically seperated for the last

> handfull of years. Every year we make it a tradition to get together for the

> fiesta and then spend a day peeling and canning green chiles. It makes for a

> great weekend!! We love it and always have a great time together.

> Balloon fiesta involves a lot of missed sleep. You have to get up well

> before the ass crack of dawn to make it to the field in time to see the

> balloons glow and launch. it's a spectacular site! We get up around 4 am,

> drink coffee, fight the crowds, eat breakfast burrittos, say oo and ahh,

> then come home for a nap. I also have ensomnia and only about 3 hrs of sleep

> the first night and maybe 6 the next. I've also been really struggling with

> my anxiety lately and some funky pms hormone weirdness. Add to that really

> fun cocktail a dash of hyper stimulation and a bit of low blood sugar and we

> have a lovely concotion of Crazy. Although tired and a little fried, my Sis

> and I decided to go get some Indian food for lunch.

>

> We were going along having a fun day when out of no where crazy hits me,

> almost literally. We were driving through the parking lot toward the

> restaurant when I see a lady pulling out of a parking stall. I think to

> myself, " Surely she will stop when she sees me. " . Nope! She actually speeds

> up a but and then slams on her brakes just in time to avoid hitting me. She

> then honks at me. WTF?! My sis and I discussed how odd it was that she

> honked at me when, at best, she was the one not paying attention to what she

> was doing, and likely, meant to cause a bad situation. We laugh it off as

> stupid people feeling entitled to the world. Still havin' a great day! I

> park and we get out chattering all along. As we are walking toward the

> restaurant the woman pulls up, rolls down her window and starts to scold me.

> This is where I completely FLIP! I'm a raving lunatic! I'm pretty sure my

> head spun all the way around and green foam came out of my mouth. She never

> once stopped yapping at me. I tired to explain to her the traffic has the

> right of way not the people in the parking spaces. When she didn't stop

> yapping to hear what I was saying, I started running toward the door-

> running! While running I started yelling at her to " f-off lady! " . But she

> follows me in her car continuing to yap. This is where it's a tiny bit

> funny, I realize she's following me so I yell, " Lady, I told you to f-off,

> now GO F-off!! " . I guess she just isn't in to f-ing off or doesn't speak

> french. She continued to follow and yell at me so I stopped in my tracks

> and turned toward her. I just stood there. Kind of like when a bull stares

> down the bull fighter all bloody but drooling. I was totally freaked out at

> this point and completely confused. I felt like I was dreaming and couldn't

> figure out what to do. I couldn't get away from her and I wasn't going to

> waste my breath explaining the traffic laws to an idiot. I think stopping

> and staring at her was a mix of me standing my ground and also my defeat. I

> knew she wasn't going to leave me alone so I might as well turn and take the

> beating. I also think I wanted to beat her. I'm not really a beat-up kind of

> girl. I'm more of a peace keeper, not a fighter. But I'd met my limit and

> it seemed like she wanted a fight so I was willing to give her one. So I

> just stood there waiting for her next move, but the weirdest thing

> happened. She stopped yapping and appeared to be confused! She looks at me

> standing there and all she has is, " You're trash!, oh yeah, look at you,

> you're just trash! " . She drove away and I ran inside mortified and bawling.

> I was REALLY shaken and upset. I was also in shock at my behavior as well as

> embarrassed. In fact, I'm pretty mortified. If she had gotten out of her car

> I'm sure I would have tried to fight her. This is SO not my style!! I

> seriously feel like I really just dreamed the whole thing. It felt so

> twilight zone.

>

> So what I have so far is that this woman scared the crap out of me right off

> the get go by pursuing me. She had what appeared to be her adult son and

> daughter in the back seat which also felt threatening. She sought me out to

> punish me for something that was not oly not my fault but was hers not to

> mention no collision ever happened. If she had hit my car I easily could

> have filed a claim. She was yelling nonsense at me. She was yelling at me

> and pointing. I don't do yelling or even loud voices very well. It totally

> freaks me out! I also don't do accusations, particularly the false ones;)

> Then she continued to pursue me and wouldn't let me leave. I felt trapped!!

> I felt like my sister was also trapped. Then finally in true BPD form, when

> she had nothing left, she cut to the core by insulting me. The whole thing

> was really scary and terrorizing. It seems so silly. If any other person had

> been in my situation. I'm sure they would have handled it in a much calmer

> stable fashion. In fact, I know I have had other similar situations where I

> was perfectly capable of having an adult conversation even with an idiot.

> This time, not so much. I was completely out of control! I feel like a nut

> job:( What's funny, or not so much, is the insult got to me. I actually

> considered what about my appearance could come across as trashy. my outfit

> might have been a bit androgynous but certainly not trashy. Not sure why I'm

> giving it a second thought. Incidentally nada used to call me " little girl "

> when she wanted to disempower me.

> Thanks for listening and here's to feeling a little crazy now so I don't

> have to be a lot crazy later.

> Jules

>

October 9, 2011

You know, this experience brought up such a strong reaction in you that you are

right to analyze what happened, what it brought up for you at each point of

escalation.

There is a dental hygienist my children see that brings up a HUGE combative

reaction in me each time she opens her mouth. She drops 'bombs' instead of

information and something about her delivery, her ASSUMPTIONS, that just piss me

off royal. And the perversely puckered look on her mouth tells me she is aware

of how she baits people.

The crazy bitch who nearly ran into you was looking to bully someone, to be

belligerent, to crush and belittle someone. Something in you has been

conditioned to react to that type of bait. I am very sorry this caused this

reaction in you. But if I were you, I'd look at it as an unforeseen gift and

anayze the incident with our therapist, journal about it, and keep talking

specifics about it (how you felt, what it triggered from childhood, etc) to

anyone that will listen.