Guest guest Posted October 6, 2011 Report Share Posted October 6, 2011 I " m new to this board, but have a mother with BP that's making my life miserable due to her controlling ways. I'm all she has left (one sister refuses to talk with her, my dad died last year) and now that I'm divorced and seeing somebody she's so jealous. Any suggestions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 At 11:36 AM 10/06/2011 Batty wrote: >I " m new to this board, but have a mother with BP that's making >my life miserable due to her controlling ways. I'm all she has >left (one sister refuses to talk with her, my dad died last >year) and now that I'm divorced and seeing somebody she's so >jealous. Any suggestions? You don't have to put up with bad behavior. It isn't your fault or your responsibility that you're all she has left. She's an adult and has made her own decisions that have led her to that point. You can't control what she does, but you can control how you react to it. I advise devoting some thought to what kinds of behavior you will and won't accept from her. Once you've decided what you won't put up with, then decide what you'll do when she violates your boundaries, which she will. Then start putting your decisions into action. As an example, one of my boundaries is that my nada (that's what we call our non-mother-like mothers) is not allowed to bad-mouth me, my sister, or anyone else I care about to me. When she starts doing so, I tell her that we aren't going to talk about that. If she continues, I hang up the phone or leave as soon as I possibly can do so. Another thing I stopped being willing to put up with was her constant calls asking me to deal with her various " emergencies " . Now, when she calls in a tizzy over something I don't come running unless I deem it to be a genuine emergency that I can actually help with. Sometimes there simply isn't anything I can do about the problem and if so, I refuse to rush to her house to listen to her rant and rave about it. Sometimes the problem is something I can help with, but it isn't an emergency. If she messed up her computer, I tell her I'll look at it in a few days or next week, when I have time. If she wants a ride to the store because she's all in a rush to buy something, I ask if I can pick it up for her on my way home, after I'm done working for the day. My life doesn't have to revolve around her demands. If she asks nicely for a ride ahead of time so that I can plan to be free at the right time, I'll do it if I can, but I won't let her " emergencies " become mine. In your case, since jealousy seems to be a definite issue, I'd say you should refuse to put up with her bad-mouthing the person you're dating. You might also have to limit the amount of time you make available to spend with her so that she doesn't try to prevent you from having any time to date. Things may get worse for a while after you start implementing your boundaries. Nadas typically react badly when we stop letting them get away with misbehavior. Sticking to your guns about these things can be quite hard, but keep reminding yourself that she is an adult and responsible for herself. If she chooses to be angry or upset, that's her choice, not your fault. You are responsbile for yourself. She is responsible for herself. Also, another thing that is important to remember is that you don't owe her an explanation for everything. Nadas often have a habit of demanding all sorts of personal information and explanations they aren't entitled to. " I can't do it " or " That doesn't fit in with my plans " is all the explanation you need to give her for refusing to do what she wants. If she wants information about your dates, you can say " That's personal " if you like. -- Katrina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 10, 2011 Report Share Posted October 10, 2011 Welcome!!! Most of us on the board have chosen one of 2 good options for dealing with BPD parent (aka nada or fada). Katrina has done a great job outlining LC, or Low Contact - through firm boundaries you are able to maintain your sanity and interact with your nada on a more limited level. Others of us, like me for instance, have chosen NC and I made this choice almost 9 years ago. This seems particularly common for those of us with " Witch " nadas, this is a nada with a dash of antisocial personality disorder, or a nada who is a sociopath or Medean mother. For me, I could not remember a single happy memory shared with my nada, or anything positive she brought into my life. I just saw our relationship as a complete wave of destruction, and I have many many examples of her trying to utterly destroy me as a person, either by absorbing me or just plain wiping me out. So I have chosen NC - aka No Contact. No calls, no e-mails, no facebook, no personal visits, no birthday/mothersday/christmas cards, no funerals, no weddings, no paging, no texts, no face to face, no not face to face. That's it. Absolutely NO CONTACT. If she did try to contact me I would call the police and put steps into place to get a restraining order. Everyone is different, but NC and LC are the 2 main options we look at when we redefine our relationships post-diagnosis (or in my case, I went NC several years before I was aware of BPD). > ** > > > At 11:36 AM 10/06/2011 Batty wrote: > >I " m new to this board, but have a mother with BP that's making > >my life miserable due to her controlling ways. I'm all she has > >left (one sister refuses to talk with her, my dad died last > >year) and now that I'm divorced and seeing somebody she's so > >jealous. Any suggestions? > > You don't have to put up with bad behavior. It isn't your fault > or your responsibility that you're all she has left. She's an > adult and has made her own decisions that have led her to that > point. You can't control what she does, but you can control how > you react to it. > > I advise devoting some thought to what kinds of behavior you > will and won't accept from her. Once you've decided what you > won't put up with, then decide what you'll do when she violates > your boundaries, which she will. Then start putting your > decisions into action. As an example, one of my boundaries is > that my nada (that's what we call our non-mother-like mothers) > is not allowed to bad-mouth me, my sister, or anyone else I care > about to me. When she starts doing so, I tell her that we aren't > going to talk about that. If she continues, I hang up the phone > or leave as soon as I possibly can do so. Another thing I > stopped being willing to put up with was her constant calls > asking me to deal with her various " emergencies " . Now, when she > calls in a tizzy over something I don't come running unless I > deem it to be a genuine emergency that I can actually help with. > Sometimes there simply isn't anything I can do about the problem > and if so, I refuse to rush to her house to listen to her rant > and rave about it. Sometimes the problem is something I can help > with, but it isn't an emergency. If she messed up her computer, > I tell her I'll look at it in a few days or next week, when I > have time. If she wants a ride to the store because she's all in > a rush to buy something, I ask if I can pick it up for her on my > way home, after I'm done working for the day. My life doesn't > have to revolve around her demands. If she asks nicely for a > ride ahead of time so that I can plan to be free at the right > time, I'll do it if I can, but I won't let her " emergencies " > become mine. > > In your case, since jealousy seems to be a definite issue, I'd > say you should refuse to put up with her bad-mouthing the person > you're dating. You might also have to limit the amount of time > you make available to spend with her so that she doesn't try to > prevent you from having any time to date. > > Things may get worse for a while after you start implementing > your boundaries. Nadas typically react badly when we stop > letting them get away with misbehavior. Sticking to your guns > about these things can be quite hard, but keep reminding > yourself that she is an adult and responsible for herself. If > she chooses to be angry or upset, that's her choice, not your > fault. You are responsbile for yourself. She is responsible for > herself. > > Also, another thing that is important to remember is that you > don't owe her an explanation for everything. Nadas often have a > habit of demanding all sorts of personal information and > explanations they aren't entitled to. " I can't do it " or " That > doesn't fit in with my plans " is all the explanation you need to > give her for refusing to do what she wants. If she wants > information about your dates, you can say " That's personal " if > you like. > > -- > Katrina > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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