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repairing relationships amongst non BP siblings damaged by a BP mother

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Hi Svaktshka,

I'm now emailing from my new " anonomyized " account.

Yes, I've apologized. I've tried to open up the lines of communication on

this topic many times. I've not only given her permission, but I've

suggested that it would be good for us both in the longer term if she told

me anything she wants me to acknowledge or apologize for from the past, even

though it might be hard for me to hear in the short term. However, one of

her many rules is that we are not supposed to talk about the past, so she

doesn't/hasn't taken me up on my offer.

When we were younger what I feel bad about is that I was competitive with

her. Mostly normal sibling stuff, but people in our father's side of the

family were bizarrely competitive, so I think I was learning some of it from

watching people around me. I always wanted to beat her at things, like card

games and races and so on. The thing is it was easy because she was younger

than me. I feel like an idiot about it now. I also wanted her to do things

for me, like to go to the corner store and get something that I wanted. I

would talk her into it by bribing her and buying her something, but I knew

she didn't really want to do it. I was pushy with her to get my way and I

guess you could say that I bossed her around. I feel like an idiot about

that too. Later in our childhoods, I was just insensitive to her needs and

feelings by ignoring her. She was really, really withdrawn, so it wasn't

hard to do. When I found a way to get away from our nada by being out of

the house by hanging out with friends and then boyfriends I threw myself

into my social life and did not look back. I can only imagine she felt

forsaken. It was not intentional, but I sure feel bad that I didn't care

about her more at that time by tuning into her world. I was pretty

self-involved.

It is funny because as a parent myself now, I am very quick to not let my

older daughter do that sort of thing to my younger daughter. I think on

some level I am very sensitive to it because I am trying to make up for the

past with my sister. When I see my kids being generous and loving with each

other rather than competitive and selfish, it is one of the few things that

makes up for the sadness and grief I have about my sister and our

relationship.

I think that part of what is going on for my sister and I now is that she

never had a chance to rebel against my parents in the normal developmental

sense of separating and individuating. For one thing, they were not normal

parents. Our parents were divorced and our fada (NPD) had already absented

himself from our lives. Our nada (BPD) was no picnic to separate from.

When I was going through it, she raged at me and disowned me and then went

on a character assassination campaign to discredit me with pretty much

anyone who would listen including my sister. Having witnessed all of this

first hand, I think my sister decided it was not safe to separate. And it

wasn't. She was pretty much brainwashed by my nada into thinking I was bad

and that her job was to take care of nada's needs and especially since I was

so awful and not doing so myself anymore as I once had. The reason I am

explaining all of this is that I suspect that part of what is going on now

is that my sister is separating. I was probably the closest thing to a

parent that she did have. There were definitely times when I was protective

and supportive of her in ways that a parent should be. Of course, as a

child myself, I was mighty inconsistent and sometimes misguided.

Even though I can understand it in this way, it still hurts and the way she

is going about it is especially hurtful. She has (or had at least)

convinced herself the I have BPD and that she has to keep herself safe from

me. She has never said that to me directly, but it has been obvious by the

way she was treating me and things she was saying. We've both read the same

books and she follows the suggestions in them like a script and has adopted

much of their language.

I can understand how I remind her of nada in some ways (including even

physically, but also in terms of temperament as I am quite a passionate and

emotional person), but she treats me like I am nada. It is really weird and

creepy. It is like she can not or will not see me as me. It feel as though

she has an actual aversion to me. I think I just must remind her too much

of a painful past that she wants to forget, so she has to shut me out. The

last times that I have been around her and when she has corresponded with me

by email, she has been really stiff and formal with me, verging on cold and

business-like. Saccharin and polite on the surface, but angry indirectly

underneath. It has been really unpleasant. I've asked her about it, but

she just says she is not willing to discuss it.

Another part of the history is that I had been saying for years and years

and years that nada was mentally ill and that it was BPB. My sister did not

want to hear it at the time. That was when she started making rules about

topics of conversation that were permissible and not. She didn't want to

know about BPD and she didn't want to talk about nada with me. More

recently, since nada cut my sister off a couple of years ago, my sister

started learning about BPD. Now she fancies herself an expert on the

subject.

With me, she is just closed. It sucks and is very painful. She does not

want to be known in an intimate way (certainly by me, but I suspect by

anyone), and she does not want to know me as me or in an intimate way. She

would be happy to talk about our kids and pretend to be cheerful, but I am

really bad at faking it in this way when there is so much unsaid lurking

under the surface. I've said all of this to her, but she chooses to ignore

it.

The good news is that I have a really wonderful set of friends and partner

(my family of choice), so I'm not lonely overall. I just wish she and I

could share more with each other.

I am really glad that you and your sister found a way to be close and

supportive of each other. And I really appreciate talking to you about this

stuff. It's way better than having it only in my head and I'm finding it

somewhat cathartic just to express it to people who are in the position to

understand. I do talk to my friends about it, but they don't have any first

hand experience with Borderline Land - thank goodness for them - so

somethings are hard to get across.

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