In crisis mode- please help!-- and the smear campaign continues

October 11, 2011

Well, nothing has changed in the last 6 weeks since I posted this. It's slowly

gotten worse. NO ONE stands up for anything in my FOO. That's just NOT

allowed. So, I digress:

Grandmother's b-day was Sat, Oct 8th. Myself, my hubby and new baby drove to

see her and take her to lunch. My father asked a week earlier is I was going to

bring my child over to see them at their house. He said, just so you know, your

sister will be there. (the fresh out of jail one) I offered, well, then, maybe

we can meet somewhere or at G-ma's nursing home? He seemed to have decline that

offer. So, I just went about our day, saw my g-ma and came home. No phone

calls were made either direction. And of course, they got to my g-ma and did

their smear campaign. She said at lunch, " You should go see your daddy, he

doesn't want to see either one of you two, but he does want to see that baby. "

So, what kind of smut was said during the prior week to her, I can ONLY

imagine...

I sent out my normal monthly update of my son's pics to all my family and family

of choice (mostly my hubby's family) on late Sunday night. I of course, copied

my dad. Maybe, I shouldn't have, he was still obviously stewing from Sat from

me not breaking my boundary and coming over there to see him and please him.

So, in response to my son's pics, here's my fada's response:

It sure would have been great to see our Grandson in person yesterday.

Our Grandson should be given time

to spend with his **family roots. Good or bad he will someday make his own

decisions. What's up with you not spending

time with **sibling 4, her hubby and their new son? Are they now on your N/C

list? Listen to me, you have asked us to choose between

sibling #3 (our baby daughter) and your boundries which any

sane, responsible parent would make the same decision

that **we made. Again, we encourage the **your family to join the **our family

the same way we have

always accepted YOU with " UNCONDITIONAL

LOVE & NO BOUNDRIES. " Give some thought to what I have said. I say this with

love. If, I didn't

love you so I would just write you off. I can be a real hard ass. Just keep in

mind, I'm really a great person.

Love, Dad

** for anonymity

Narcissism at it's finest degree. So, with that said, what kind of response

could I give? I haven't. It's like they live on Planet NPD/BPD, total

irrational and bizarro planet. And I live on sane, rational, normal planet. We

speak 2 different languages.

But, let's throw some more emotional blackmail into the mix, cause the above is

JUST NOT ENOUGH!!! So, sibling #4, the one with the new child, the one I

thought we had a nice relationship going, texts me yesterday morning. I can't

remember everything said, but it basically said " F your boundaries and this is

MY family and no one is going to hurt MY family. I can't believe anyone would

do this to their family, after all Mom and Dad have done for you. You need to

get your head checked and screwed back on right. " I texted her back that this

is crazy!!! That I put one boundary down about sibling #3 and that I figured

she would understand. But, I got the same back more emo blackmail back that

" stated if I keep this up, I am going to end up alone. No one is playing by

your stupid rules anymore. And if my hubby is behind this, shame on him and

shame on you for letting it happen. " I didn't text back. Obviously, it's

irrational to

rationalize with irrational people. She is very much in the FOG, and I can

pray that she comes out one day like I did.

I haven't been able to get into my therapist yet, booked this week. But, I did

get a lot of validation from my Coda group and family of choice. I feel crushed

once again, I am praying God gives me a break. Someone in my F.O.C stated that

when these things happen, it's like God summons us to be closer to Him. It's

His strange way of saying, " Hey, I want you to turn to me, I want you to lean on

me, I know this is hard, but that's why I am here. " Well, God I am listening...

Validation, support, words of wisdom anyone?

Love to all the Non-BPs,

Mandy

----- Forwarded Message -----

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:05 AM

Subject: In crisis mode- please help!

Dear all non-BPs,

Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and time of crisis.

This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I just had my first child

3 months ago. But, since the birth of my son, it seems like my FOO has

unraveled at the seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I rarely am

on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here regularly. Ok, so 6

years ago:

1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker Acted and forced

into treatment, along with her husband #3, also Baker Acted due to drugs. And

PS, my BP sister abused me at 4 years old...No need to expand on this topic.

2- Waif BP

mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate me in and get me to

take the 3 children before the State would take them away from #1 above. Since

then, I have had no relationship with my nieces and nephew due to my NC

decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them very much. I send gifts

and cards for holidays, but that's about all I can do.

3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was enough. I did not do

my normal rescue routine, and went NC with both of the above.

4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC letter. Total chaos,

talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first 2 years with such intensity, it was

almost enough to break me. She even relapsed on alcohol to guilt me into

rescuing her again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2 BPs, and the ship

was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my life-raft.

5- Since then, I have managed to have a

successful marriage, just celebrated 9 years last weekend. I have a successful

business, a beautiful home, some money in the bank (I used to spend all my money

saving and rescuing the FOO) And now, a perfect little boy. I have been

attending CODA for 6 years and I have created my own happy family of choice.

All in all, I'd say life is pretty good!

But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and step-mother have SERIOUSLY

destroyed my trust and faith in some of my decisions. I have 2 more sisters.

Half-sisters. One I thought I was VERY close with. The other is also a BP and

recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first. She is nearly 23 years

old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She has spent the last 12 years on

and off heroin and been in jail the past 3 years for grand theft, drug related.

I have written a few letters to this sibling in jail. Sent

some b-day and Christmas cards. But aside from that, we haven't had much of a

relationship. How can I, she's been in jail? But, the last year of her jail

she spent in this half-way bridge type facility, (run by the DOC) to bridge her

back from jail and assimilate her back into real life. My father and step-mom

wanted me to go when I was 6 months pregnant to " family day " at this bridge

facility. I declined, and it turned into an ugly fight with my dad and

step-mom. They felt I was going to NC this sibling just like I NC'd the other

side of the family. Not entirely true, but I do have a boundary in place, not

to let this sibling around my son for the first 3 years of his life. I want to

make sure that this sibling is sober and sober for a LONG time without relapsing

or going back to jail, or whatever. MY CHOICE TO PROTECT MY SON!!!!!!!! Well,

my boundary making has thrown my entire FOO out of

whack. After 3 days of giving birth to my son, I sent a boundaries letter via

email to my father and step-mom BOUNDARIES FOR MY SON. In the letter were 6

main boundaries.

1- NC with BP Mom (who, by the way, my dad and step-mom have been NC with since

I turned 17 and moved out of their house, pot calling kettle black!)

2- NC with BP Sis (the one from #1 way above)

3- unfortunately, my son will not be around #1s children (my nieces and nephew)

due to NC with #1 and #2 above.

4- no family holidays or vacations where other half will be there (we will

respectfully bow out)

5- I will develop what relationship I can with BP sister (#3, one fresh out of

jail), but she will not be allowed around my son for first 3 years of his life,

until she can prove herself trustworthy and a good influence.

6- My husband has sat on the sidelines with FOO for years, but he will call out

anyone who breaks boundaries, bc this is his son

too. We will be his voice, since he will not have one.

Seems harsh when written in print, I had every intention of delivering

boundaries in person, but son came a month early. Never got the chance. They

got this emailed letter 3 days after he was born, bc they were pissed that they

had #3 at their house and couldn't get away from #3 to come see my son. I got

an emailed response from step-mom that same day. It was berating, and pretty

much downright evil. It basically told me and my boundaries to go F off. I

never responded to it. If they really wanted to see him, they could've found a

way. They just didn't want to piss off #3, due to enmeshment of their own.

Again, CHOICES. It took them 5 weeks to come see their grandchild for the first

time, only after #3 had to go back into the Bridge facility to finish her last

month there. At that visit, things were really tense. At

that visit, I gave #3 a very nice put together picture album of the baby and a

card with a letter. I wanted her to know that I had no intention of going NC

with her, that I loved her very much. It's just that I wanted to protect my son

for the first few years of his life just until I saw some serious change on the

OUTSIDE of 4 confined walls. She mailed back an NC letter to me of 4 pages

filled with hate. I can't even begin to tell you the evil words put on print.

It's enough to rip someone apart. And 2 weeks after that, I got an email from

my father. It was a response to my boundaries letter. It also basically told

me to go F myself and my boundaries. Worst part is: he cc'd all 3 of my

sisters on this. So, now there is lovely triangulation going on here. My dad

cannot stand it that I do not worship him. See, he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

DISORDER!!! Par for the course with all the BP women that are in his life.

Since, I

do not worship him or his money or his cars or his homes, then I am NO ONE! I

have a Higher Power, and it AIN'T him. Oh and 1 more thing: I sent my niece of

sister #1 (the Queen BP) sent me an NC letter and returned the b-day gift I sent

to her. she said it's bc my letters hurt her too much. What letter? You mean

the one your grandfather so eloquently shared with his grandchildren to rally up

the troops against me? That boundary letter was never meant for anyone but him

and my step-mom. What an evil SOB!

Here's the really sad part: My half-sister, who I thought I was really close to,

has hardly talked to me since that email from my dad got sent to all of us. She

had a son 3 months before I did. We were pregnant together, totally having fun

at baby showers. I planned hers, she planned

mine. We were totally going to raise our sons together. We were the 2

" normies " in the FOO. She has a normal job, normal home, normal husband. We

were really excited to have our sons be close cousins. I think we've had 2

phone conversations in the past 6 weeks. We used to talk every other day. And

the 2 phone calls have been bc I have reached out. The conversations are really

awkward. It's like she feels guilty talking to me. My Dad and step-mom have

successfully driven a wedge between us. With that email to all of us, it said,

" you are either with her (the sick and isolated one) or you're with us. " The

main difference bw #4 and me is that she is 11 years younger than I am, and

still on the " teet " of mom and dad. I am financially independent, have been

since 17.

I feel EXTREMELY alone. I have been going to my therapist and she is trying to

help me move on

and just keep on with my recovery and family of choice. I know I cannot change

my FOO, this is fact. But, I just feel my foundation has been cracked and I

feel like maybe all the decisions I have made are isolating and not good. Why

has the FOG rolled in on me so deep? My stomach is in knots (like they used to

be 6 years ago before I went NC)

I want to be a good Mom and give my son every chance that I didn't get growing

up with BPD and NPD. Why is it that I am the only one who makes correct and

healthy choices, but feel like I am the black sheep and doing something wrong?

I guess I just need to keep praying and ask God for guidance, support and LOVE.

The kind of love that is pure and not full of obligations and conditions.

Any advice?

Love to all the NON BPs that suffer,

Mandy

October 11, 2011

My advice is that there is no reason to say anything to any of them in

response. Your dad's letter is a veiled threat.

My T would say, families are buckets of crawdads dying in a bucket. As soon

as one starts to escape they gang up and try to pull her back in - - - to

die.

> **

>

> Well, nothing has changed in the last 6 weeks since I posted this. It's

> slowly gotten worse. NO ONE stands up for anything in my FOO. That's just

> NOT allowed. So, I digress:

>

> Grandmother's b-day was Sat, Oct 8th. Myself, my hubby and new baby drove

> to see her and take her to lunch. My father asked a week earlier is I was

> going to bring my child over to see them at their house. He said, just so

> you know, your sister will be there. (the fresh out of jail one) I

> offered, well, then, maybe we can meet somewhere or at G-ma's nursing home?

> He seemed to have decline that offer. So, I just went about our day, saw my

> g-ma and came home. No phone calls were made either direction. And of

> course, they got to my g-ma and did their smear campaign. She said at

> lunch, " You should go see your daddy, he doesn't want to see either one of

> you two, but he does want to see that baby. " So, what kind of smut was said

> during the prior week to her, I can ONLY imagine...

>

> I sent out my normal monthly update of my son's pics to all my family and

> family of choice (mostly my hubby's family) on late Sunday night. I of

> course, copied my dad. Maybe, I shouldn't have, he was still obviously

> stewing from Sat from me not breaking my boundary and coming over there to

> see him and please him. So, in response to my son's pics, here's my fada's

> response:

>

> It sure would have been great to see our Grandson in person yesterday.

> Our Grandson should be given time

> to spend with his **family roots. Good or bad he will someday make his own

> decisions. What's up with you not spending

> time with **sibling 4, her hubby and their new son? Are they now on your

> N/C list? Listen to me, you have asked us to choose

> between sibling #3 (our baby daughter) and your boundries which any

> sane, responsible parent would make the same decision

> that **we made. Again, we encourage the **your family to join the **our

> family the same way we have

> always accepted YOU with " UNCONDITIONAL

> LOVE & NO BOUNDRIES. " Give some thought to what I have said. I say this

> with love. If, I didn't

> love you so I would just write you off. I can be a real hard ass. Just keep

> in mind, I'm really a great person.

>

> Love, Dad

>

> ** for anonymity

>

> Narcissism at it's finest degree. So, with that said, what kind of

> response could I give? I haven't. It's like they live on Planet NPD/BPD,

> total irrational and bizarro planet. And I live on sane, rational, normal

> planet. We speak 2 different languages.

>

> But, let's throw some more emotional blackmail into the mix, cause the

> above is JUST NOT ENOUGH!!! So, sibling #4, the one with the new child, the

> one I thought we had a nice relationship going, texts me yesterday morning.

> I can't remember everything said, but it basically said " F your boundaries

> and this is MY family and no one is going to hurt MY family. I can't

> believe anyone would do this to their family, after all Mom and Dad have

> done for you. You need to get your head checked and screwed back on

> right. " I texted her back that this is crazy!!! That I put one boundary

> down about sibling #3 and that I figured she would understand. But, I got

> the same back more emo blackmail back that " stated if I keep this up, I am

> going to end up alone. No one is playing by your stupid rules anymore. And

> if my hubby is behind this, shame on him and shame on you for letting it

> happen. " I didn't text back. Obviously, it's irrational to

> rationalize with irrational people. She is very much in the FOG, and I can

> pray that she comes out one day like I did.

>

> I haven't been able to get into my therapist yet, booked this week. But,

> I did get a lot of validation from my Coda group and family of choice. I

> feel crushed once again, I am praying God gives me a break. Someone in my

> F.O.C stated that when these things happen, it's like God summons us to be

> closer to Him. It's His strange way of saying, " Hey, I want you to turn to

> me, I want you to lean on me, I know this is hard, but that's why I am

> here. " Well, God I am listening...

>

> Validation, support, words of wisdom anyone?

> Love to all the Non-BPs,

> Mandy

>

> ----- Forwarded Message -----

>

> To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1

> >

> Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:05 AM

> Subject: In crisis mode- please help!

>

> Dear all non-BPs,

>

> Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and time of

> crisis. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my life. I just had my

> first child 3 months ago. But, since the birth of my son, it seems like my

> FOO has unraveled at the seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I

> rarely am on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here

> regularly. Ok, so 6 years ago:

>

> 1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker Acted and

> forced into treatment, along with her husband #3, also Baker Acted due to

> drugs. And PS, my BP sister abused me at 4 years old...No need to expand on

> this topic.

> 2- Waif BP

> mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate me in and get

> me to take the 3 children before the State would take them away from #1

> above. Since then, I have had no relationship with my nieces and nephew due

> to my NC decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them very much.

> I send gifts and cards for holidays, but that's about all I can do.

> 3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was enough. I did

> not do my normal rescue routine, and went NC with both of the above.

> 4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC letter. Total

> chaos, talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first 2 years with such

> intensity, it was almost enough to break me. She even relapsed on alcohol

> to guilt me into rescuing her again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2

> BPs, and the ship was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my

> life-raft.

> 5- Since then, I have managed to have a

> successful marriage, just celebrated 9 years last weekend. I have a

> successful business, a beautiful home, some money in the bank (I used to

> spend all my money saving and rescuing the FOO) And now, a perfect little

> boy. I have been attending CODA for 6 years and I have created my own happy

> family of choice. All in all, I'd say life is pretty good!

>

> But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and step-mother have

> SERIOUSLY destroyed my trust and faith in some of my decisions. I have 2

> more sisters. Half-sisters. One I thought I was VERY close with. The

> other is also a BP and recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first.

> She is nearly 23 years old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She has

> spent the last 12 years on and off heroin and been in jail the past 3 years

> for grand theft, drug related. I have written a few letters to this sibling

> in jail. Sent

> some b-day and Christmas cards. But aside from that, we haven't had much

> of a relationship. How can I, she's been in jail? But, the last year of

> her jail she spent in this half-way bridge type facility, (run by the DOC)

> to bridge her back from jail and assimilate her back into real life. My

> father and step-mom wanted me to go when I was 6 months pregnant to " family

> day " at this bridge facility. I declined, and it turned into an ugly fight

> with my dad and step-mom. They felt I was going to NC this sibling just

> like I NC'd the other side of the family. Not entirely true, but I do have

> a boundary in place, not to let this sibling around my son for the first 3

> years of his life. I want to make sure that this sibling is sober and sober

> for a LONG time without relapsing or going back to jail, or whatever. MY

> CHOICE TO PROTECT MY SON!!!!!!!! Well, my boundary making has thrown my

> entire FOO out of

> whack. After 3 days of giving birth to my son, I sent a boundaries letter

> via email to my father and step-mom BOUNDARIES FOR MY SON. In the letter

> were 6 main boundaries.

> 1- NC with BP Mom (who, by the way, my dad and step-mom have been NC with

> since I turned 17 and moved out of their house, pot calling kettle black!)

> 2- NC with BP Sis (the one from #1 way above)

> 3- unfortunately, my son will not be around #1s children (my nieces and

> nephew) due to NC with #1 and #2 above.

> 4- no family holidays or vacations where other half will be there (we will

> respectfully bow out)

> 5- I will develop what relationship I can with BP sister (#3, one fresh out

> of jail), but she will not be allowed around my son for first 3 years of his

> life, until she can prove herself trustworthy and a good influence.

> 6- My husband has sat on the sidelines with FOO for years, but he will call

> out anyone who breaks boundaries, bc this is his son

> too. We will be his voice, since he will not have one.

>

> Seems harsh when written in print, I had every intention of delivering

> boundaries in person, but son came a month early. Never got the chance.

> They got this emailed letter 3 days after he was born, bc they were pissed

> that they had #3 at their house and couldn't get away from #3 to come see my

> son. I got an emailed response from step-mom that same day. It was

> berating, and pretty much downright evil. It basically told me and my

> boundaries to go F off. I never responded to it. If they really wanted to

> see him, they could've found a way. They just didn't want to piss off #3,

> due to enmeshment of their own. Again, CHOICES. It took them 5 weeks to

> come see their grandchild for the first time, only after #3 had to go back

> into the Bridge facility to finish her last month there. At that visit,

> things were really tense. At

> that visit, I gave #3 a very nice put together picture album of the baby

> and a card with a letter. I wanted her to know that I had no intention of

> going NC with her, that I loved her very much. It's just that I wanted to

> protect my son for the first few years of his life just until I saw some

> serious change on the OUTSIDE of 4 confined walls. She mailed back an NC

> letter to me of 4 pages filled with hate. I can't even begin to tell you

> the evil words put on print. It's enough to rip someone apart. And 2 weeks

> after that, I got an email from my father. It was a response to my

> boundaries letter. It also basically told me to go F myself and my

> boundaries. Worst part is: he cc'd all 3 of my sisters on this. So, now

> there is lovely triangulation going on here. My dad cannot stand it that I

> do not worship him. See, he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!!! Par

> for the course with all the BP women that are in his life. Since, I

> do not worship him or his money or his cars or his homes, then I am NO

> ONE! I have a Higher Power, and it AIN'T him. Oh and 1 more thing: I sent

> my niece of sister #1 (the Queen BP) sent me an NC letter and returned the

> b-day gift I sent to her. she said it's bc my letters hurt her too much.

> What letter? You mean the one your grandfather so eloquently shared with

> his grandchildren to rally up the troops against me? That boundary letter

> was never meant for anyone but him and my step-mom. What an evil SOB!

>

> Here's the really sad part: My half-sister, who I thought I was really

> close to, has hardly talked to me since that email from my dad got sent to

> all of us. She had a son 3 months before I did. We were pregnant together,

> totally having fun at baby showers. I planned hers, she planned

> mine. We were totally going to raise our sons together. We were the 2

> " normies " in the FOO. She has a normal job, normal home, normal husband.

> We were really excited to have our sons be close cousins. I think we've had

> 2 phone conversations in the past 6 weeks. We used to talk every other

> day. And the 2 phone calls have been bc I have reached out. The

> conversations are really awkward. It's like she feels guilty talking to

> me. My Dad and step-mom have successfully driven a wedge between us. With

> that email to all of us, it said, " you are either with her (the sick and

> isolated one) or you're with us. " The main difference bw #4 and me is that

> she is 11 years younger than I am, and still on the " teet " of mom and dad.

> I am financially independent, have been since 17.

>

> I feel EXTREMELY alone. I have been going to my therapist and she is

> trying to help me move on

> and just keep on with my recovery and family of choice. I know I cannot

> change my FOO, this is fact. But, I just feel my foundation has been

> cracked and I feel like maybe all the decisions I have made are isolating

> and not good. Why has the FOG rolled in on me so deep? My stomach is in

> knots (like they used to be 6 years ago before I went NC)

>

> I want to be a good Mom and give my son every chance that I didn't get

> growing up with BPD and NPD. Why is it that I am the only one who makes

> correct and healthy choices, but feel like I am the black sheep and doing

> something wrong?

>

> I guess I just need to keep praying and ask God for guidance, support and

> LOVE. The kind of love that is pure and not full of obligations and

> conditions.

>

> Any advice?

> Love to all the NON BPs that suffer,

> Mandy

>

October 11, 2011

Mandy,

I think the best response to what your dad wrote is no response

at all. I don't think stuff like that deserves any reply and any

response you send is just going to result in continued efforts

on his part to try to reel you in. As you realized with sibling

#4, you can't have a rational discussion with someone who isn't

being rational and there's nothing rational about this attempt

to trample on your boundaries. Unfortunately, sometimes the only

way you can escape from the craziness is to have no contact with

any of them.

At 03:35 AM 10/11/2011 Mandy wrote:

>Well, nothing has changed in the last 6 weeks since I posted

>this. It's slowly gotten worse. NO ONE stands up for anything

>in my FOO. That's just NOT allowed. So, I digress:

>

>Grandmother's b-day was Sat, Oct 8th. Myself, my hubby and new

>baby drove to see her and take her to lunch. My father asked a

>week earlier is I was going to bring my child over to see them

>at their house. He said, just so you know, your sister will be

>there. (the fresh out of jail one) I offered, well, then,

>maybe we can meet somewhere or at G-ma's nursing home? He

>seemed to have decline that offer. So, I just went about our

>day, saw my g-ma and came home. No phone calls were made

>either direction. And of course, they got to my g-ma and did

>their smear campaign. She said at lunch, " You should go see

>your daddy, he doesn't want to see either one of you two, but

>he does want to see that baby. " So, what kind of smut was said

>during the prior week to her, I can ONLY imagine...

>

>I sent out my normal monthly update of my son's pics to all my

>family and family of choice (mostly my hubby's family) on late

>Sunday night. I of course, copied my dad. Maybe, I shouldn't

>have, he was still obviously stewing from Sat from me not

>breaking my boundary and coming over there to see him and

>please him. So, in response to my son's pics, here's my fada's

>response:

>

>It sure would have been great to see our Grandson in person

>yesterday. Our Grandson should be given time

>to spend with his **family roots. Good or bad he will someday

>make his own decisions. What's up with you not spending

>time with **sibling 4, her hubby and their new son? Are they

>now on your N/C list? Listen to me, you have asked us to

>choose between sibling #3 (our baby

>daughter) and your boundries which any

>sane, responsible parent would make the same decision

>that **we made. Again, we encourage the **your family to join

>the **our family the same way we have

>always accepted YOU with " UNCONDITIONAL

>LOVE & NO BOUNDRIES. " Give some thought to what I have said. I

>say this with love. If, I didn't

>love you so I would just write you off. I can be a real hard

>ass. Just keep in mind, I'm really a great person.

>

>Love, Dad

>

>** for anonymity

>

>Narcissism at it's finest degree. So, with that said, what

>kind of response could I give? I haven't. It's like they live

>on Planet NPD/BPD, total irrational and bizarro planet. And I

>live on sane, rational, normal planet. We speak 2 different

>languages.

>

>But, let's throw some more emotional blackmail into the mix,

>cause the above is JUST NOT ENOUGH!!! So, sibling #4, the one

>with the new child, the one I thought we had a nice

>relationship going, texts me yesterday morning. I can't

>remember everything said, but it basically said " F your

>boundaries and this is MY family and no one is going to hurt MY

>family. I can't believe anyone would do this to their family,

>after all Mom and Dad have done for you. You need to get your

>head checked and screwed back on right. " I texted her back

>that this is crazy!!! That I put one boundary down about

>sibling #3 and that I figured she would understand. But, I got

>the same back more emo blackmail back that " stated if I keep

>this up, I am going to end up alone. No one is playing by your

>stupid rules anymore. And if my hubby is behind this, shame on

>him and shame on you for letting it happen. " I didn't text

>back. Obviously, it's irrational to

> rationalize with irrational people. She is very much in the

> FOG, and I can pray that she comes out one day like I did.

>

> I haven't been able to get into my therapist yet, booked this

> week. But, I did get a lot of validation from my Coda group

> and family of choice. I feel crushed once again, I am praying

> God gives me a break. Someone in my F.O.C stated that when

> these things happen, it's like God summons us to be closer to

> Him. It's His strange way of saying, " Hey, I want you to turn

> to me, I want you to lean on me, I know this is hard, but

> that's why I am here. " Well, God I am listening...

>

>Validation, support, words of wisdom anyone?

>Love to all the Non-BPs,

>Mandy

>

>----- Forwarded Message -----

>

>To: " WTOAdultChildren1 "

><WTOAdultChildren1 >

>Sent: Thursday, September 29, 2011 7:05 AM

>Subject: In crisis mode- please help!

>

>Dear all non-BPs,

>

>Some guidance and support is needed right now in my life and

>time of crisis. This is supposed to be the happiest time in my

>life. I just had my first child 3 months ago. But, since the

>birth of my son, it seems like my FOO has unraveled at the

>seams. Allow me to give you all an update, since I rarely am

>on this webchat, even though I very much need to be here

>regularly. Ok, so 6 years ago:

>

>1- Queen BP sister had a drug-induced breakdown and was Baker

>Acted and forced into treatment, along with her husband #3,

>also Baker Acted due to drugs. And PS, my BP sister abused me

>at 4 years old...No need to expand on this topic.

>2- Waif BP

> mom, recovering Alcoholic at the time, tried to triangulate

> me in and get me to take the 3 children before the State would

> take them away from #1 above. Since then, I have had no

> relationship with my nieces and nephew due to my NC

> decisions. It's been very hard on me, for I love them very

> much. I send gifts and cards for holidays, but that's about

> all I can do.

>3- Decided after 30 years of this madness that enough was

>enough. I did not do my normal rescue routine, and went NC

>with both of the above.

>4- Nada called 42 times the first weekend she got the NC

>letter. Total chaos, talk about FOG--- I felt it for the first

>2 years with such intensity, it was almost enough to break

>me. She even relapsed on alcohol to guilt me into rescuing her

>again. I was very badly enmeshed with these 2 BPs, and the

>ship was sinking, I was going down with it. NC was my

>life-raft.

>5- Since then, I have managed to have a

> successful marriage, just celebrated 9 years last weekend. I

> have a successful business, a beautiful home, some money in

> the bank (I used to spend all my money saving and rescuing the

> FOO) And now, a perfect little boy. I have been attending

> CODA for 6 years and I have created my own happy family of

> choice. All in all, I'd say life is pretty good!

>

>But, let me catch you all up to date. My father and

>step-mother have SERIOUSLY destroyed my trust and faith in some

>of my decisions. I have 2 more sisters. Half-sisters. One I

>thought I was VERY close with. The other is also a BP and

>recovering drug addict. Let's discuss the BP first. She is

>nearly 23 years old, and just got out of jail a month ago. She

>has spent the last 12 years on and off heroin and been in jail

>the past 3 years for grand theft, drug related. I have written

>a few letters to this sibling in jail. Sent

> some b-day and Christmas cards. But aside from that, we

> haven't had much of a relationship. How can I, she's been in

> jail? But, the last year of her jail she spent in this

> half-way bridge type facility, (run by the DOC) to bridge her

> back from jail and assimilate her back into real life. My

> father and step-mom wanted me to go when I was 6 months

> pregnant to " family day " at this bridge facility. I declined,

> and it turned into an ugly fight with my dad and

> step-mom. They felt I was going to NC this sibling just like

> I NC'd the other side of the family. Not entirely true, but I

> do have a boundary in place, not to let this sibling around my

> son for the first 3 years of his life. I want to make sure

> that this sibling is sober and sober for a LONG time without

> relapsing or going back to jail, or whatever. MY CHOICE TO

> PROTECT MY SON!!!!!!!! Well, my boundary making has thrown my

> entire FOO out of

> whack. After 3 days of giving birth to my son, I sent a

> boundaries letter via email to my father and step-mom

> BOUNDARIES FOR MY SON. In the letter were 6 main boundaries.

>1- NC with BP Mom (who, by the way, my dad and step-mom have

>been NC with since I turned 17 and moved out of their house,

>pot calling kettle black!)

>2- NC with BP Sis (the one from #1 way above)

>3- unfortunately, my son will not be around #1s children (my

>nieces and nephew) due to NC with #1 and #2 above.

>4- no family holidays or vacations where other half will be

>there (we will respectfully bow out)

>5- I will develop what relationship I can with BP sister (#3,

>one fresh out of jail), but she will not be allowed around my

>son for first 3 years of his life, until she can prove herself

>trustworthy and a good influence.

>6- My husband has sat on the sidelines with FOO for years, but

>he will call out anyone who breaks boundaries, bc this is his

>son

> too. We will be his voice, since he will not have one.

>

>Seems harsh when written in print, I had every intention of

>delivering boundaries in person, but son came a month

>early. Never got the chance. They got this emailed letter 3

>days after he was born, bc they were pissed that they had #3 at

>their house and couldn't get away from #3 to come see my

>son. I got an emailed response from step-mom that same

>day. It was berating, and pretty much downright evil. It

>basically told me and my boundaries to go F off. I never

>responded to it. If they really wanted to see him, they

>could've found a way. They just didn't want to piss off #3,

>due to enmeshment of their own. Again, CHOICES. It took them

>5 weeks to come see their grandchild for the first time, only

>after #3 had to go back into the Bridge facility to finish her

>last month there. At that visit, things were really tense. At

> that visit, I gave #3 a very nice put together picture album

> of the baby and a card with a letter. I wanted her to know

> that I had no intention of going NC with her, that I loved her

> very much. It's just that I wanted to protect my son for the

> first few years of his life just until I saw some serious

> change on the OUTSIDE of 4 confined walls. She mailed back an

> NC letter to me of 4 pages filled with hate. I can't even

> begin to tell you the evil words put on print. It's enough to

> rip someone apart. And 2 weeks after that, I got an email

> from my father. It was a response to my boundaries

> letter. It also basically told me to go F myself and my

> boundaries. Worst part is: he cc'd all 3 of my sisters on

> this. So, now there is lovely triangulation going on

> here. My dad cannot stand it that I do not worship him. See,

> he has NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER!!! Par for the

> course with all the BP women that are in his life. Since, I

> do not worship him or his money or his cars or his homes,

> then I am NO ONE! I have a Higher Power, and it AIN'T

> him. Oh and 1 more thing: I sent my niece of sister #1 (the

> Queen BP) sent me an NC letter and returned the b-day gift I

> sent to her. she said it's bc my letters hurt her too

> much. What letter? You mean the one your grandfather so

> eloquently shared with his grandchildren to rally up the

> troops against me? That boundary letter was never meant for

> anyone but him and my step-mom. What an evil SOB!

>

>Here's the really sad part: My half-sister, who I thought I was

>really close to, has hardly talked to me since that email from

>my dad got sent to all of us. She had a son 3 months before I

>did. We were pregnant together, totally having fun at baby

>showers. I planned hers, she planned

> mine. We were totally going to raise our sons together. We

> were the 2 " normies " in the FOO. She has a normal job, normal

> home, normal husband. We were really excited to have our sons

> be close cousins. I think we've had 2 phone conversations in

> the past 6 weeks. We used to talk every other day. And the 2

> phone calls have been bc I have reached out. The

> conversations are really awkward. It's like she feels guilty

> talking to me. My Dad and step-mom have successfully driven a

> wedge between us. With that email to all of us, it said, " you

> are either with her (the sick and isolated one) or you're with

> us. " The main difference bw #4 and me is that she is 11 years

> younger than I am, and still on the " teet " of mom and dad. I

> am financially independent, have been since 17.

>

>I feel EXTREMELY alone. I have been going to my therapist and

>she is trying to help me move on

> and just keep on with my recovery and family of choice. I

> know I cannot change my FOO, this is fact. But, I just feel

> my foundation has been cracked and I feel like maybe all the

> decisions I have made are isolating and not good. Why has the

> FOG rolled in on me so deep? My stomach is in knots (like

> they used to be 6 years ago before I went NC)

>

>I want to be a good Mom and give my son every chance that I

>didn't get growing up with BPD and NPD. Why is it that I am

>the only one who makes correct and healthy choices, but feel

>like I am the black sheep and doing something wrong?

>

>I guess I just need to keep praying and ask God for guidance,

>support and LOVE. The kind of love that is pure and not full

>of obligations and conditions.

>

>Any advice?

>Love to all the NON BPs that suffer,

>Mandy

>

October 11, 2011

What an asshole!!! His letter sounds a lot like my fada's letter to me

(except my fada's letter was 15 or 16 pages long--so long I had to copy his

email into a Word document and print it out). Dysfunctional families don't

respond well to any boundaries and try so hard to guilt trip us into " giving

up " just so they can rule over us in the guise of " family love. " Riiiiight.

God only knows what kind of smear campaign my fada did to my siblings--bro

#1, whom I was best friends with while growing up, also disowned me, and who

knows what my four little siblings are hearing about me.

As GS said, our FOOs are like a bucket of crawdads. It hurts to have to put

up boundaries, but being free will save our lives.