Everything is falling apart- feeling abandoned

[Guest guest]

I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

[Guest guest]

OMG - hugs!!! You need a serious spa date, colon cleanse and possibly

a drinking spree (kidding) after all that, as well as a pedicure and an

enema!!! Maybe you should even go get your teeth cleaned and smudge your

house with a sage stick and set up those cleansing crystal things. I Feel

for you that sounds horrible.

Hug your good family members to you, kick everyone else out and bar the door

at least where relatives are concerned. Real FAMILY is something completely

different from that.

XOXOXOXO

> **

>

>

> I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

> questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a

> long weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and

> having my witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My

> husband is so disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore

> and he will take care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel

> really fortunate that he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from

> having her here and worry about the future with so many more years ahead,

> she is only 75. In addition, my BIL, who has many issues, including sexually

> harassing women in the past, made a very inappropriate and lewd sexual

> comment to our twenty something daughter (his niece) during the reception.

> She was so shocked she walked away from him and didn't tell us until we had

> left the party and were all back home. I thought my DH was going to explode.

> My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had gone to bed, that it

> was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she should have kept it

> to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to what??? I was

> floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit me right

> then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his whole

> family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

> wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was

> wrong and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but

> over the next couple of days referenced the incident as something that

> happens at weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not

> let her minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face

> him and tell him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and

> I am just hoping my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say

> what minimal contact we have had with this BIL and his family will be even

> less.

> I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

> waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif

> BP and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The

> icing on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got

> married, had a brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over,

> but not his own brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have

> gone, especially given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old

> family friends I spoke with had been invited. All we can come up with is

> both his brothers are miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he

> has had a very successful career and he has kids who he has a really

> positive relationships with - and misery loves company, not happy,

> successful people around. But, I really, really wonder where we will go from

> here with his family. It is so bleak and I just don't undertand why so many

> people we are related to are so jealous, angry, manipulative, petty,

> one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing is falling apart

> and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our kids of

> decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people as

> well.

>

> Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

I can relate to having to " detox " after an encounter with toxic foo members. It

takes time to get your equilibrium back after being emotionally knocked about

like that.

I am *very* impressed that your husband is so willing to set some firm

boundaries with his mother and brother; I hope you will back him up on this.

You probably don't realize how rare that is; most of the spouses mentioned at

this group (male or female) are not willing to confront or set boundaries with

their dysfunctional foo members. So that is both remarkable and wonderful that

your husband wants to protect his wife and daughter from further foo-abuse. You

found a good man to marry.

Since this is his own family of origin, it is right and proper (in my opinion)

for your husband to handle the situation when his mother and brother act badly.

If your daughter wants to confront her nasty uncle on her own, then more power

to her. But I think that men who enjoy sexually harassing women get a kick out

of their victims trying to stand up to them; its just my own personal opinion,

but I think that if your husband confronts his own pervert brother up close and

in person (but in total " Medium Chill " mode, in a calm and controlled manner)

and makes it very, very clear that if pervert brother even *thinks* about saying

anything inappropriate to his daughter again, pervert brother will not like the

consequences (basically scaring the crap out of him)... it will have more of an

impact.

Bullies are basically cowards; keeping their reprehensible behaviors covert is

their stock in trade. They know its wrong, that's why they do these things when

they can get their victim alone to inflict their abuse, then they try to

intimidate their victim into silence. Or, the bully gathers a gang of sycophant

minions or toadies to back him or her up. Your MIL sounds like the " queen "

bully, and her youngest son is her " gang " , they protect and shield each other

from the consequences of their nasty behaviors.

The other brother sounds like he's an avoider; he's more afraid of upsetting his

mother and pervert brother than he is afraid of your husband, his other brother.

And yes, maybe there is some envy/competitiveness going on as well. It wouldn't

surprise me; sibling rivalry is not uncommon even in relatively mentally healthy

families, but in dysfunctional families, I think its worse.

I agree that its sad, very sad, to have such unpleasant, mean, hurtful people in

your family... but the only thing you can really do is accept that yes, they are

nasty horrible people and you do not have to be around them very much. You can

minimize your exposure to them. But hoping for them to change somehow and

become nice, sweet, kind, thoughtful, supportive and loving is.... well, magical

thinking. my own opinion is that you will wind up with less emotional

upheaval, drama, and negativity in your life if you choose to accept that yes,

they are pretty nasty, and no, you are not obligated to spend lots of time

trying to make them like you.

Its OK to minimize contact with nasty people. That's not being antagonistic or

hostile or hateful, its just backing away from a red-hot stove to keep it from

burning you. Protecting yourself from a harmful person or situation is morally

and ethically neutral, it does not make you a bad person, it makes you a wise

person.

-Annie

>

> I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

> I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

>

> Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

With 'family' like this, who needs enemies? Some of us have such messed up

families that it makes more sense to just cut your loses and be done. Your DH

and children are your true family.

And you are not alone in the BIL department. At my daughter's HS grad party, I

keeping an eagle eye on the beer, making sure my recovering (haha) alcoholic 60

year old BIL did not drink. Instead he was hitting on middle school girls. I was

mortified, and I didn't have the heart to tell my sister what her creepy perv

husband was up to.

WTOAdultChildren1 , " True " wrote:

>

> I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

> I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

>

> Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Girlscout,

You have some great suggestions here! You made me laugh and that felt really,

really good! You are right, family does not do these things.

Thanks,

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

> > questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a

> > long weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and

> > having my witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My

> > husband is so disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore

> > and he will take care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel

> > really fortunate that he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from

> > having her here and worry about the future with so many more years ahead,

> > she is only 75. In addition, my BIL, who has many issues, including sexually

> > harassing women in the past, made a very inappropriate and lewd sexual

> > comment to our twenty something daughter (his niece) during the reception.

> > She was so shocked she walked away from him and didn't tell us until we had

> > left the party and were all back home. I thought my DH was going to explode.

> > My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had gone to bed, that it

> > was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she should have kept it

> > to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to what??? I was

> > floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit me right

> > then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his whole

> > family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

> > wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was

> > wrong and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but

> > over the next couple of days referenced the incident as something that

> > happens at weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not

> > let her minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face

> > him and tell him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and

> > I am just hoping my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say

> > what minimal contact we have had with this BIL and his family will be even

> > less.

> > I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

> > waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif

> > BP and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The

> > icing on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got

> > married, had a brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over,

> > but not his own brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have

> > gone, especially given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old

> > family friends I spoke with had been invited. All we can come up with is

> > both his brothers are miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he

> > has had a very successful career and he has kids who he has a really

> > positive relationships with - and misery loves company, not happy,

> > successful people around. But, I really, really wonder where we will go from

> > here with his family. It is so bleak and I just don't undertand why so many

> > people we are related to are so jealous, angry, manipulative, petty,

> > one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing is falling apart

> > and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our kids of

> > decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people as

> > well.

> >

> > Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi ,

It sounds to me like you were very strong through what was an ordeal. You kept

your priorities straight throughout it. Feel good about it, it's not easy to do

in hot house situations like that.

The other thing I want to tell you is about a HUGE sticker I have on my laptop.

It says " Go ahead steal my identity, and take my relatives with you. "

(I'm hoping to make you laugh again, sometimes that is simply the best therapy)

S.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

> > > questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent

a

> > > long weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and

> > > having my witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My

> > > husband is so disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore

> > > and he will take care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel

> > > really fortunate that he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing

from

> > > having her here and worry about the future with so many more years ahead,

> > > she is only 75. In addition, my BIL, who has many issues, including

sexually

> > > harassing women in the past, made a very inappropriate and lewd sexual

> > > comment to our twenty something daughter (his niece) during the reception.

> > > She was so shocked she walked away from him and didn't tell us until we

had

> > > left the party and were all back home. I thought my DH was going to

explode.

> > > My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had gone to bed, that it

> > > was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she should have kept

it

> > > to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to what??? I was

> > > floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit me right

> > > then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his whole

> > > family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

> > > wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was

> > > wrong and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit

but

> > > over the next couple of days referenced the incident as something that

> > > happens at weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not

> > > let her minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to

face

> > > him and tell him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone,

and

> > > I am just hoping my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to

say

> > > what minimal contact we have had with this BIL and his family will be even

> > > less.

> > > I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the

witch,

> > > waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif

> > > BP and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on.

The

> > > icing on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got

> > > married, had a brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people

over,

> > > but not his own brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't

have

> > > gone, especially given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old

> > > family friends I spoke with had been invited. All we can come up with is

> > > both his brothers are miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and

he

> > > has had a very successful career and he has kids who he has a really

> > > positive relationships with - and misery loves company, not happy,

> > > successful people around. But, I really, really wonder where we will go

from

> > > here with his family. It is so bleak and I just don't undertand why so

many

> > > people we are related to are so jealous, angry, manipulative, petty,

> > > one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing is falling apart

> > > and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our kids of

> > > decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people as

> > > well.

> > >

> > > Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I agree with you that I do have a wonderful husband, and I do realize that him

actively working at setting firm boundries with his foo is probably rather rare,

as it would be much easier to try to ignore/avoid the whole thing. Believe me

when I say he wanted to act decisively and rashly the night he learned from our

daughter what his own brother had said to her, I was thankful she waited until

we were home and there was some distance. He will at some point say something to

his brother about this, this I know, even if he promises our daughter that he

won't. It just violates everything and crosses so many lines and he is very

loyal and protective of all of us that he will not be able to stop himself.

Knowing him, I just pray he can do it and keep it medium chill and walk away, he

will want to do more. She wants to say something to her uncle as you can

imagine, but will have to choose that place and time carefully so she has

support. I also want to put him in his place, as does our son, there is a long

line.

Your calling my MIL the queen bully and my BIL the gang who support one another

is probably very right. Supposidly he sends her money to help her pay her bills,

supposidly he has money as an insurance attorney. Personally I think he has

created a house of cards and someday all of his smoke and mirrors and crap

will fall and everyone will see him for what he is. She probably defends him

because he is her meal ticket and he sends her money so he can avoid spending

time with her - my conclusions - such craziness.

You are definately right about the older brother being an avoider - that is his

MO. He used to tell my husband when they were kids to just tell their mom what

she wanted to hear and then do what you want to do, he thought my husband was

nuts to tell the truth and stand up for what he thought was right-he was usually

in some sort of hot water. I thank God every day he stood his ground and drew

his boundries with her and all of them. It made him the outcast a lot and the

scapegoat but I know he is emotionally healtier today because of it. And he is

still having to draw the lines with them.

I love your last two paragraphs, especially the last one. You have nailed it and

helped me feel supported. I don't have any guilt over how I feel, just sad and

very disappointed. I truly do not understand these people and how they act

towards others. I just sometimes feel like how can they all be wrong, what if

we're wrong. But I know deep in my heart of hearts that we are not wrong and

know ultimately that is why I posted my recent heartache. I needed some support

that what I know is true, is true, and where else to get that feedback than

here.

Setting these firmer boundries and having these upcoming conversations with his

foo will not be easy, but I know we'll stand together and help one another

through it, for that I am truly thankful. It will be messy and not pretty but

not only do we need to do it for ourselves, I know it will in some way give

courage to someone else in the family, perhaps my nieces or nephews, to know

what we have done and why. Not all of his foo can be this way and we need to

shed light and set the boundries.

Thank you for your care, concern and support. It means a great deal.

Sincerely,

> >

> > I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

> > I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

> >

> > Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Echobabe,

You are so right, they are my true family and I thank God each day for them.

Your BIL sounds familiar to me, unfortunately! I have to say my first instinct

when our daughter told us was to deal with him myself, but then I thought I

could call my SIL and tell her he needed help and she should know what he

did/said. But deep down inside I know she is in some sort of denial, these

issues are not new to him/her. She would not have believed me and would have

defended him. I really feel for their kids (my nieces and nephews).

Thanks for relating,

> >

> > I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

> > I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

> >

> > Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

S,

You succeeded! I love your sticker message! Never saw or heard of that one but

it should be a best seller!

Thank you for your kind words. I find having lived my formative years around

loved ones with NP and some degree of BP, does give the gift of a powerful tool

called denial. I found myself, after " dealing " with my MIL and her attempt to

minimalize the situation, going into automatic mode, aka " denial " to get through

the remainder of her stay.I think that is part of why it takes me days after

such a weekend to decompress - the " denial " mechanism releases slowly so I don't

go into shock, and I experience a slow burn of reality that just takes all my

energy.

Thank you for your support,

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find

myself

> > > > questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just

spent a

> > > > long weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and

> > > > having my witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My

> > > > husband is so disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here

anymore

> > > > and he will take care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and

feel

> > > > really fortunate that he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing

from

> > > > having her here and worry about the future with so many more years

ahead,

> > > > she is only 75. In addition, my BIL, who has many issues, including

sexually

> > > > harassing women in the past, made a very inappropriate and lewd sexual

> > > > comment to our twenty something daughter (his niece) during the

reception.

> > > > She was so shocked she walked away from him and didn't tell us until we

had

> > > > left the party and were all back home. I thought my DH was going to

explode.

> > > > My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had gone to bed, that

it

> > > > was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she should have kept

it

> > > > to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to what??? I

was

> > > > floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit me

right

> > > > then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole

> > > > family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

> > > > wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!)

was

> > > > wrong and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit

but

> > > > over the next couple of days referenced the incident as something that

> > > > happens at weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would

not

> > > > let her minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to

face

> > > > him and tell him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone,

and

> > > > I am just hoping my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to

say

> > > > what minimal contact we have had with this BIL and his family will be

even

> > > > less.

> > > > I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the

witch,

> > > > waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and

waif

> > > > BP and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on.

The

> > > > icing on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got

> > > > married, had a brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people

over,

> > > > but not his own brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't

have

> > > > gone, especially given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old

> > > > family friends I spoke with had been invited. All we can come up with is

> > > > both his brothers are miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and

he

> > > > has had a very successful career and he has kids who he has a really

> > > > positive relationships with - and misery loves company, not happy,

> > > > successful people around. But, I really, really wonder where we will go

from

> > > > here with his family. It is so bleak and I just don't undertand why so

many

> > > > people we are related to are so jealous, angry, manipulative, petty,

> > > > one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing is falling

apart

> > > > and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our kids of

> > > > decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as

> > > > well.

> > > >

> > > > Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

Without going into a lot of family history, lets just say my sister has reasons

to doubt her husband has interest in sex--with her. However, he has been

implicated in inappropriate sexual behaviors many, many times--at work, with

their friends, me, etc. For whatever reason, my sister can see his other

failings clearly but not where sexuality is concerned. If she cannot face this

part head on after everything else she's faced, so be it. She's dealt with so

much between nada, her abandoning fada and her DH over the years. It just makes

me sad.

On the other hand, my BIL is worse than a turd.

>

> Echobabe,

> You are so right, they are my true family and I thank God each day for them.

> Your BIL sounds familiar to me, unfortunately! I have to say my first instinct

when our daughter told us was to deal with him myself, but then I thought I

could call my SIL and tell her he needed help and she should know what he

did/said. But deep down inside I know she is in some sort of denial, these

issues are not new to him/her. She would not have believed me and would have

defended him. I really feel for their kids (my nieces and nephews).

> Thanks for relating,

>

[Guest guest]

((())) so sorry for what happened. God, your mil is a freaking piece of

work. It almost sounds like she's saying your daughter should just EXPECT

disgusting, incestuous come-ons from drunk uncles. I wondered if your mil was

herself sexually abused by a relative.

I so know how you feel re: not being invited even though you wouldn't have gone.

It sounds so much like my bil and his wife. He's a good guy, I like him, but if

we are handling holiday entertaining and we invite her, she finds a way to

sabotage it ( " Oh, I don't eat paella " and then sits there with stupid pout on

face; we invite people she doesn't know; she sits in kitchen all night. Even

though she has done both of those kinds of things at HER house and we just suck

it up. Sorry, I digress.)

My bil and his wife have left us out of stuff and it stings, even though we

wouldn't have gone. Hey, it's just as well they didn't invite you. Do you think

maybe your mil whispered to your bil about the reception incident?

I feel the same way as you about my kids: very little extended family to truly

call family. We're very close to folks at church; we've had to choose/create

" family. "

Good for your daughter for speaking up. She's a strong woman; that's awesome

that she's going to confront your weasely bil. AND your husband sounds

wonderful. As long as you have each other, it's good.

I love that show " Everybody loves . " But lately, watching the character

of Marie, the witchy, waify Queen just isn't all that funny. It's just too real,

you know?

>

> I am overwhelmed and don't know how I am going to proceed, and find myself

questioning everything. All of this directly related to having just spent a long

weekend among my husband's family of origin at a family wedding and having my

witch, waif, queen ML staying with us for the four days. My husband is so

disgusted that he is telling me she cannot stay here anymore and he will take

care of it. Although I am relieved at this idea and feel really fortunate that

he is taking care of it, I am still decompressing from having her here and worry

about the future with so many more years ahead, she is only 75. In addition, my

BIL, who has many issues, including sexually harassing women in the past, made a

very inappropriate and lewd sexual comment to our twenty something daughter (his

niece) during the reception. She was so shocked she walked away from him and

didn't tell us until we had left the party and were all back home. I thought my

DH was going to explode. My MIL made the comment to me, when everyone else had

gone to bed, that it was too bad our daughter told us. As if to say that she

should have kept it to herself and told him to take a hike and chalked it up to

what??? I was floored by this and called her on it immediately. But it just hit

me right then that her attitude, that that right there was at the core of his

whole family's dysfunction. I told her in short order that it would have been

wrong for her not to tell us, and that her uncle (MIL's youngest son!) was wrong

and had crossed a line and was sick. She backed down and off a bit but over the

next couple of days referenced the incident as something that happens at

weddings when an uncle gets drunk and stupid. NO! We would not let her

minimalize it. Now we are faced with our daughter preparing to face him and tell

him how what he said made her feel and to leave her alone, and I am just hoping

my DH doesn't do something in the meantime. Needless to say what minimal contact

we have had with this BIL and his family will be even less.

> I just am so overwhelmed by it all. My MIL is definately BP with the witch,

waif, and queen, my sister is at least NP, my own mother is queen and waif BP

and my BIL is pervert and whatever else, and it just goes on and on. The icing

on the cake was that the other BIL, the one whose daughter got married, had a

brunch the morning after the wedding and invited people over, but not his own

brother and family. Funny thing is we probably wouldn't have gone, especially

given the reception incident, but not even invited. Old family friends I spoke

with had been invited. All we can come up with is both his brothers are

miserable in their marriages and my DH is not, and he has had a very successful

career and he has kids who he has a really positive relationships with - and

misery loves company, not happy, successful people around. But, I really, really

wonder where we will go from here with his family. It is so bleak and I just

don't undertand why so many people we are related to are so jealous, angry,

manipulative, petty, one-ups-man, competative, and mean. I feel like everthing

is falling apart and I feel like my husband has been robbed of a family and our

kids of decent family gatherings. I feel a bit abandoned by all of these people

as well.

>

> Just venting I guess because I don't even know what to ask you all.

>

>

>