Help-best way to deal with a meltdown

[Guest guest]

Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked my

email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this function).Â

So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and although I can

afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that we

just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again but

I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce wasn't

final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the divorce only

became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to me. Even

though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates but acts

very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I

just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just show up? I've started

looking and there are other

housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the street

we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

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[Guest guest]

That's a hard situation - but, that said, I suspect your son will be better

off with a mother who can feel at ease and relaxed. I think kids are

resiliant in many ways - but having a parent who is sick, stressed or being

made crazy by her own shitty parent is not a good situation for the kid.

People who really have kids and haven't just read about it, please chime in

> **

>

>

> Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

> again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked

> my email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this

> function). So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and

> although I can afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce

> and the fact that we just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to

> uproot my son again but I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed

> because my divorce wasn't final and if my name was the ex could have claimed

> half of it. the divorce only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my

> requests to sell it to me. Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has

> more money than Bill Gates but acts very poor). I've been paying all the

> utlities, upkeep and taxes. Do I just avoid her phone calls and hope she

> doesn't just show up? I've started looking and there are other

> housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the

> street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

>

> Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> .

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry you're in that situation!

I suspect that you're going to need to move sooner or later to preserve your

sanity. For your son's sake, sooner is probably better.The more time he has to

settle in, the harder it will be for him.

Chris

mom, grandma, and elementary school teacher

>

> Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked my

email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this function).Â

So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and although I can

afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that we

just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again but

I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce wasn't

final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the divorce only

became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to me. Even

though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates but acts

very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I

just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just show up? I've started

looking and there are other

> housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the street

we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

>

>

>

> Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> .

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OK, chiming in - You say you have enough money to buy the house from your

Nada. You're a realtor's dream come true. There are a million houses in good

neighborhoods going begging for buyers. And they don't have Nadas holding the

reins. A kid can get over a local move a lot easier than he can survive life

with a crazy grandmother making life hell for his single mother.

You are in the catbird seat on this one. Talk to a realtor for your

neighborhood or your son's school zone, start getting your finances together,

and when you're ready, give your mother thirty days' notice and move out. She

can find a renter, or not, as she pleases.

You'll be out from under. Your son will be at the same school and can see his

friends there, or at Little League, or whatever activity he does.

>

> Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked my

email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this function).Â

So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and although I can

afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that we

just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again but

I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce wasn't

final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the divorce only

became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to me. Even

though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates but acts

very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I

just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just show up? I've started

looking and there are other

> housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the street

we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

>

>

>

> Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> .

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think 's is an even better idea than buying your nada's house from her.

If you buy a different house altogether but in the same school zone, your son

can continue in the same school with the same friends he's come to love, and you

can have the peace of mind of knowing that your nada has no ties whatsoever with

your finances or your new home in any way, shape, or form.

It would be a clean break from nada drama; wouldn't *that* be a little slice of

heaven!

So, if we were voting about this, I'd vote that you buy a different home in your

son's school district/zone and completely disconnect from the crap your nada is

pulling RE her house.

But you are the only one who can decide what's best for you, its your right to

do what you feel is best for you and your child.

-Annie

> >

> > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked my

email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this function).Â

So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and although I can

afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that we

just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again but

I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce wasn't

final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the divorce only

became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to me. Even

though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates but acts

very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I

just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just show up? I've started

looking and there are other

> > housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the

street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> >

> >

> >

> > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I'm looking at several homes tomorrow afternoon. I'm already dreading the

whole " this is how you thank me " drama " leaving me with an empty house "

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, October 13, 2011 7:39 PM

Subject: Re: Help-best way to deal with a meltdown

Â

I think 's is an even better idea than buying your nada's house from her.

If you buy a different house altogether but in the same school zone, your son

can continue in the same school with the same friends he's come to love, and you

can have the peace of mind of knowing that your nada has no ties whatsoever with

your finances or your new home in any way, shape, or form.

It would be a clean break from nada drama; wouldn't *that* be a little slice of

heaven!

So, if we were voting about this, I'd vote that you buy a different home in your

son's school district/zone and completely disconnect from the crap your nada is

pulling RE her house.

But you are the only one who can decide what's best for you, its your right to

do what you feel is best for you and your child.

-Annie

> >

> > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing me

again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked my

email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this function).ÂÂ

So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and although I can

afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that

we just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again

but I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce

wasn't final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the

divorce only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to

me. Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates

but acts very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and taxes.ÂÂ

  Do I just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just show up?ÂÂ

I've started looking

and there are other

> > housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the

street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> >

> >

> >

> > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of Use

> > .

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

If your nada chooses (irrationally and illogically) to use *that* as an arguing

point, you can lob it back into her court easily.

" Gee, mom. You're the one who refused to sell the house to me, so if the house

is empty now, its not my fault. Don't complain to *me* about your poor

judgment! "

Back when I was in contact with my nada, she would rather often attempt to

inflict guilt on me for not moving myself to her part of the country after dad

died, and each time I'd have to remind her:

" Mom, you and dad chose to move away from me, several times. Each time I

followed you, but finally I've made a life for myself here and this feels like

home to me now. It was your choice to move again, not mine, so don't even try

to make me feel like I'm supposed to move again to be near you. That subject is

closed. "

Bpds are blamers and projectors; they routinely blame others for their own bad

choices and stupid decisions. When your nada does that to you, just remind her

like a broken record that *she* made the decision that she is now so unhappy

about, then close the subject.

" I'm not going to discuss that subject with you again, mom. Is there something

else you wanted to talk to me about? No? Then I'll talk to you later, I've got

a lot of things I need to be doing now. I'm hanging up; Bye. "

Good for you for looking to buy another house instead of nada's! I bet you'll

find a really good one at a good price in this market!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing

me again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked

my email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this

function). So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and

although I can afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the divorce and

the fact that we just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot

my son again but I can't stand this. And her name is on the deed because my

divorce wasn't final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it.

the divorce only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it

to me. Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill

Gates but acts very poor). I've been paying all the utlities, upkeep and

taxes.   Do I just avoid her phone calls and hope she doesn't just

show up? I've started looking

> and there are other

> > > housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves the

street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe • Terms of

Use

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

thank you for more script. how sad is it that I can't even think for myself

when shes' involved although I hold a very demanding job

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Friday, October 14, 2011 5:42 PM

Subject: Re: Help-best way to deal with a meltdown

Â

If your nada chooses (irrationally and illogically) to use *that* as an arguing

point, you can lob it back into her court easily.

" Gee, mom. You're the one who refused to sell the house to me, so if the house

is empty now, its not my fault. Don't complain to *me* about your poor

judgment! "

Back when I was in contact with my nada, she would rather often attempt to

inflict guilt on me for not moving myself to her part of the country after dad

died, and each time I'd have to remind her:

" Mom, you and dad chose to move away from me, several times. Each time I

followed you, but finally I've made a life for myself here and this feels like

home to me now. It was your choice to move again, not mine, so don't even try to

make me feel like I'm supposed to move again to be near you. That subject is

closed. "

Bpds are blamers and projectors; they routinely blame others for their own bad

choices and stupid decisions. When your nada does that to you, just remind her

like a broken record that *she* made the decision that she is now so unhappy

about, then close the subject.

" I'm not going to discuss that subject with you again, mom. Is there something

else you wanted to talk to me about? No? Then I'll talk to you later, I've got a

lot of things I need to be doing now. I'm hanging up; Bye. "

Good for you for looking to buy another house instead of nada's! I bet you'll

find a really good one at a good price in this market!

-Annie

> > >

> > > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing

me again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked

my email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this

function). So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and

although I can afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the

divorce and the fact that we just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't

want to uproot my son again but I can't stand this. And her name is on

the deed because my divorce wasn't final and if my name was the ex could have

claimed half of it. the divorce only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my

requests to sell it to me. Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has

more money than Bill Gates but acts very poor). I've been paying all

the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I just avoid her

phone calls and hope she doesn't

just show up? I've started looking

> and there are other

> > > housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He loves

the street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe

• Terms of Use

> > > .

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

It really is hard to overcome the conditioning we've received from birth to

please and totally defer to our mother or father; they do tend to knock the

fight out of us physically, emotionally or both, pretty early in life. At

least, that's what happened to me; I became pretty much a robot-zombie kid at

around 4 or 5, I think. I had to dissociate from my emotions and just defer to

nada in order to survive. I had to pick my battles very, very carefully.

A technique or exercise that can help overcome this conditioning to defer to

bpd-mom is to do some role-playing with your therapist, or with a good friend or

your husband/SO. You take turns playing the role of your nada, and yourself.

You play the part of your nada and say the kinds of things she says to you in

the tone of voice she uses that you are the most intimidated by, and listen to

the different kinds of responses your therapist counters with as " you. " Then

your therapist plays the role of nada, and you get to practice some of those

assertive but calm responses.

Its possible for us to overcome our " brainwashing " ; not easy or fast, but

possible.

Thumb's up!

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada, accusing

me again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually double checked

my email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be attending this

function). So she's threatening to sell the house out from under us and

although I can afford it she wont' sell it to me. Becuase of the

divorce and the fact that we just moved in a little over a year ago, I don't

want to uproot my son again but I can't stand this. And her name is on

the deed because my divorce wasn't final and if my name was the ex could have

claimed half of it. the divorce only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my

requests to sell it to me. Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has

more money than Bill Gates but acts very poor). I've been paying all

the utlities, upkeep and taxes.   Do I just avoid her

phone calls and hope she doesn't

> just show up? I've started looking

> > and there are other

> > > > housing options, I just hate to make my son move again. He

loves the street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest • Unsubscribe

• Terms of Use

> > > > .

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

I want to do that, but I want to take a turn playing NADA!!! Yeah, lets turn

the tables!!!

On Fri, Oct 14, 2011 at 9:04 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> It really is hard to overcome the conditioning we've received from birth to

> please and totally defer to our mother or father; they do tend to knock the

> fight out of us physically, emotionally or both, pretty early in life. At

> least, that's what happened to me; I became pretty much a robot-zombie kid

> at around 4 or 5, I think. I had to dissociate from my emotions and just

> defer to nada in order to survive. I had to pick my battles very, very

> carefully.

>

> A technique or exercise that can help overcome this conditioning to defer

> to bpd-mom is to do some role-playing with your therapist, or with a good

> friend or your husband/SO. You take turns playing the role of your nada, and

> yourself. You play the part of your nada and say the kinds of things she

> says to you in the tone of voice she uses that you are the most intimidated

> by, and listen to the different kinds of responses your therapist counters

> with as " you. " Then your therapist plays the role of nada, and you get to

> practice some of those assertive but calm responses.

>

> Its possible for us to overcome our " brainwashing " ; not easy or fast, but

> possible.

>

> Thumb's up!

>

>

> -Annie

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Got home from work to find a really nasty voice mail from nada,

> accusing me again of chosing my boyfriend over her (incorrect, I actually

> double checked my email rsvp and had only said my son and I would be

> attending this function). So she's threatening to sell the

house

> out from under us and although I can afford it she wont' sell it to

> me. Becuase of the divorce and the fact that we just moved

in a

> little over a year ago, I don't want to uproot my son again but I can't

> stand this. And her name is on the deed because my divorce

wasn't

> final and if my name was the ex could have claimed half of it. the divorce

> only became final 9/12 and she's rebuffed all my requests to sell it to me.

> Even though she claims its a burden (not, she has more money than Bill Gates

> but acts very poor). I've been paying all the utlities,

upkeep and

> taxes.   Do I just

avoid her phone calls and hope

> she doesn't

> > just show up? I've started looking

> > > and there are other

> > > > > housing options, I just hate to make my son move

again. He

> loves the street we're on, lots of kids his age to play with.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > > Switch to: Text-Only, Daily Digest •

Unsubscribe

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> > > > >

> > > > >