Therapists, boundaries, NC

[Guest guest]

I'm sitting here misty-eyed as I type this. Just saw my new therapist for the

third time. She cracks me up. She's 10 years younger than me, kind of a little

hippie and yet somehow has insight that I never dreamed a therapist in her 30s

could have.

When I started, our " action plan " was to create a safe set of boundaries for me

to live within and be able to deal with nada without falling apart. But after my

mom's latest attack, I told my new therapist that I don't know if I'm strong

enough to do that. I told her that maybe the best thing for me to do is cut off

contact.

She said I should think about it more and we'll figure out an action plan next

time. She told me that she thought it was not unreasonable to cut off contact.

She said, " Whatever you decide, I support you. " And that makes me cry.

[Guest guest]

It's so hard I know. I went NC with my dad a couple of years ago and even

though my mom has been quite difficult to deal with I'm worried I'll have to do

the same with her. I find it so hard to reconcile my feelings with her. She

doesn't respect the boundaries I set for her and acts like a child when I try to

set them, but I still love her of course. And then I remember all the good

things she's done. It's so hard, because as much as I want to convince myself

that they are both all " evil " they aren't. And that should make me feel better,

but it only makes it harder.

I also get down on myself because I feel like I " should " be able to be stronger.

I " should " be able to brush off her depression, her constant trouble seeking

behavior, her guilt trips about how it's not her fault that she has problems and

that I shouldn't be judging her so much, blah, blah.

You aren't alone. I just joined this group and that's one of the best things

that it has shown me. It's hard to meet people in your normal, every day life

that consider not communicating with their parents because they are that

destructive and damaging.

>

> I'm sitting here misty-eyed as I type this. Just saw my new therapist for the

third time. She cracks me up. She's 10 years younger than me, kind of a little

hippie and yet somehow has insight that I never dreamed a therapist in her 30s

could have.

>

> When I started, our " action plan " was to create a safe set of boundaries for

me to live within and be able to deal with nada without falling apart. But after

my mom's latest attack, I told my new therapist that I don't know if I'm strong

enough to do that. I told her that maybe the best thing for me to do is cut off

contact.

>

> She said I should think about it more and we'll figure out an action plan next

time. She told me that she thought it was not unreasonable to cut off contact.

She said, " Whatever you decide, I support you. " And that makes me cry.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so glad you found a good T!!! That is great!!! We support you too

And how about this for a " should " - your mom SHOULD value enough to respect

your needs, love you for who you are, and honor what you need!!!! Because

THAT is what moms are SUPPOSED to do!!!!!!!!!!!

On Thu, Oct 13, 2011 at 1:58 PM, wishingitwasdifferent <

wishingitwasdifferent@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> It's so hard I know. I went NC with my dad a couple of years ago and even

> though my mom has been quite difficult to deal with I'm worried I'll have to

> do the same with her. I find it so hard to reconcile my feelings with her.

> She doesn't respect the boundaries I set for her and acts like a child when

> I try to set them, but I still love her of course. And then I remember all

> the good things she's done. It's so hard, because as much as I want to

> convince myself that they are both all " evil " they aren't. And that should

> make me feel better, but it only makes it harder.

>

> I also get down on myself because I feel like I " should " be able to be

> stronger. I " should " be able to brush off her depression, her constant

> trouble seeking behavior, her guilt trips about how it's not her fault that

> she has problems and that I shouldn't be judging her so much, blah, blah.

>

> You aren't alone. I just joined this group and that's one of the best

> things that it has shown me. It's hard to meet people in your normal, every

> day life that consider not communicating with their parents because they are

> that destructive and damaging.

>

>

> >

> > I'm sitting here misty-eyed as I type this. Just saw my new therapist for

> the third time. She cracks me up. She's 10 years younger than me, kind of a

> little hippie and yet somehow has insight that I never dreamed a therapist

> in her 30s could have.

> >

> > When I started, our " action plan " was to create a safe set of boundaries

> for me to live within and be able to deal with nada without falling apart.

> But after my mom's latest attack, I told my new therapist that I don't know

> if I'm strong enough to do that. I told her that maybe the best thing for me

> to do is cut off contact.

> >

> > She said I should think about it more and we'll figure out an action plan

> next time. She told me that she thought it was not unreasonable to cut off

> contact. She said, " Whatever you decide, I support you. " And that makes me

> cry.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I can relate to what has been said here. I second-guess myself and have doubts

all the time about my NC with my nada and BP siblings. But, I will say this:

the doubt and second-guessing gets weaker and weaker as the years go by. Â I

just went to my therapist today after the meltdown that I have shared recently

with the emotional blackmail of " it's our way or no way " about my newborn son

with my fada and 2 other siblings.  Â

I am going to take the higher road and not withhold love, but I can love them

from afar. They are not inheritantly evil people, they are just sick. And if

I can live my life out of love and compassion, I can start to forgive myself for

my choices. The guilt and shame slowly diminishes. It's just those old

" tapes " that play in one's head after growing up in this FOG and dysfunction.

I have my own family to look out for. And as it's wisely been said in here

recently, dysfunctional families are buckets of crawdads dying in a bucket.Â

When one tries to escape, they all gang up and reel her back into the bucket--

to die.

Thanks to all that recently shared on my post, I appreciate all the feedback and

pearls of wisdom. I strive to live my life in peace and not in other's turmoil

or issues. Even if these people are my parents.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Thursday, October 13, 2011 3:58 PM

Subject: Re: Therapists, boundaries, NC

Â

It's so hard I know. I went NC with my dad a couple of years ago and even

though my mom has been quite difficult to deal with I'm worried I'll have to do

the same with her. I find it so hard to reconcile my feelings with her. She

doesn't respect the boundaries I set for her and acts like a child when I try to

set them, but I still love her of course. And then I remember all the good

things she's done. It's so hard, because as much as I want to convince myself

that they are both all " evil " they aren't. And that should make me feel better,

but it only makes it harder.

I also get down on myself because I feel like I " should " be able to be stronger.

I " should " be able to brush off her depression, her constant trouble seeking

behavior, her guilt trips about how it's not her fault that she has problems and

that I shouldn't be judging her so much, blah, blah.

You aren't alone. I just joined this group and that's one of the best things

that it has shown me. It's hard to meet people in your normal, every day life

that consider not communicating with their parents because they are that

destructive and damaging.

>

> I'm sitting here misty-eyed as I type this. Just saw my new therapist for the

third time. She cracks me up. She's 10 years younger than me, kind of a little

hippie and yet somehow has insight that I never dreamed a therapist in her 30s

could have.

>

> When I started, our " action plan " was to create a safe set of boundaries for

me to live within and be able to deal with nada without falling apart. But after

my mom's latest attack, I told my new therapist that I don't know if I'm strong

enough to do that. I told her that maybe the best thing for me to do is cut off

contact.

>

> She said I should think about it more and we'll figure out an action plan next

time. She told me that she thought it was not unreasonable to cut off contact.

She said, " Whatever you decide, I support you. " And that makes me cry.

>

[Guest guest]

I've been mightily struggling with this for the past couple of months. I love

my mom too. As I received email after email for her requesting help from me

for whatever the crisis of the day happens to be, I see her as a very fearful

and isolated figure. The tragedy is that she makes sure she truncates herself

from anyone or chooses to surround herself with unstable people, ensuring that

isolation. I'm also at a point where I am aware that her volatile behavior can

really unsettle me for a spell and that my main priority should be to myself, my

health and my loving little family.

It ~is~ really hard. At least we're not enduring alone.

Amy

> >

> > I'm sitting here misty-eyed as I type this. Just saw my new therapist for

the third time. She cracks me up. She's 10 years younger than me, kind of a

little hippie and yet somehow has insight that I never dreamed a therapist in

her 30s could have.

> >

> > When I started, our " action plan " was to create a safe set of boundaries for

me to live within and be able to deal with nada without falling apart. But after

my mom's latest attack, I told my new therapist that I don't know if I'm strong

enough to do that. I told her that maybe the best thing for me to do is cut off

contact.

> >

> > She said I should think about it more and we'll figure out an action plan

next time. She told me that she thought it was not unreasonable to cut off

contact. She said, " Whatever you decide, I support you. " And that makes me cry.

> >

>