So you've lost a few pounds dear?

[Guest guest]

Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

So very hurtful and rude.

Anyone else?

[Guest guest]

YES!!!

- when I went NC the only messages my nada passed to me via other family

members were about her weight. I am kind of a health nut. She is a glutton

- so she thinks my problem with her (the last words she said to me were that

she always always always loved my BROTHERSSSS, including the one who died at

birth, more than she EVAH loved me). Yeah, my problem with her is her

weight.

- Waif boss. Ok, so she will stop important conversations like issues to be

resolved with clients, or fair work load distributions or disagreements

between co-workers to talk about shoes and hair cuts. And I don't mean it

happens once in a while, I mean it happens constantly. You can't get through

a conversation with her at all w/o a 20 min tangent about appearance. In

fact, the other day I went to work in a sassy pair of boots. I ran home at

lunch, and they were uncomfortable so I changed. At the end of the day she

says (without looking) " I like your boots, " I knew exactly what she meant,

because of her appearance fettish. And its not like she is SO amazing

looking anyway, I mean, she isn't unattractive, but if appearance is her

greatest value then she really needs to get to work. It's not my biggest

value at all. . but anyway. So in that conversation about the boots, " I

said, oh you like these old cheap boots I've worn every day for 18 months? "

Her face crumples in confusion. She can't figure it out. I sllip out the

door.

- Another time, waif boss and i were talking about a local girl, who was

abducted at age 14 and held captive for 9 months. She said what she always

says whenever we discuss crime in the news " I can't believe that they would

do that to such a BEAUTIFUL girl!!!! " I'm SO freaking offended by that!!

What, like ugly girls deserve to be raped in captivity for 9 months, but

beautiful girls don't? I could seriously spit in her eye when she says that

shit!!! And she says it so often, that I know she at least partially

believes it.

- Ok and then waif boss on the topic of weight. Well, she doesn't talk about

much else to be honest. She is a total munch mouth, if she isn't talking

about shoes and hair cuts, she is talking about " Oooooh poor me I didn't get

breakfast " and at 10:30 am " I need lunch I just caaaaaannnn't think. "

Anyway, she is about 60 yrs old and 4 foot 9 inches tall. I'm honestly two

of her, at least vertically. Anyway, she lost 11 lbs recently and I have NOT

heard the end of what size she can fit into and how skinny she is etc etc.

She works it into every conversation. On thursday we were at a cafe trying

to pick them up as a client she says " You have been really good lately "

(meaning I have been making healthy diet choices) I said " Well, I'm always

good, but I've been making healthier diet choices the last 6 weeks or so. "

She says " Well there you go. "

- So her boss, the CEO of the company attacked me last spring when I gained

about 10 lbs over the holidays. He said something like " Why are you letting

yourself put on weight? " He was doing an extreme colon cleanse at the time,

and had lost so much weight his ass completely disappeared. This leads me to

conclude 2 things: 1) I am NOT discussing weight at my workplace ever again

as long as I live and 2) I need to get out of the advertising industry!!!

PRONTO!!!!!!

So anyway, yes, I think that " weight " means something completely different

than just " weight " and I think that personality disordered people make it

even worse than it needs to be.

> **

>

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Both my Nada and Grand-nada have been diagnosed with anorexia. They do it to

punish the people around them. Both are about 5'0 " and neither weights more than

100 lbs.

But basically, they're nuts about weight and body image but scorn sexuality. I

can't figure them out. Absolutely batty.

I've mentioned on this site before the crazy things my nada used to do. She used

to starve me and my brother while fattening up my little sister. Her food issues

were more related to control and hurting others rather than really food issues

themselves.

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG that's my mother (nada)Â Â I realized about 8 years ago that she has an

eating disorder but she's exactly the same. So puritan its not even funny and

heaven help me when I started dating after my divorce. I was a slut because I

had a child (born during marriage) and was now seeing somebody. we've been

dating over a year and you ought to hear the snide remarks about being an

adultress and tramp (divorce was finalized). Oh and she swears he's gay

because he's 51 and not been married (although engaged twice) and I can tell,

he's not gay.

________________________________

From: clefairy_looking_for_moonstone

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:58 PM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

Â

Both my Nada and Grand-nada have been diagnosed with anorexia. They do it to

punish the people around them. Both are about 5'0 " and neither weights more than

100 lbs.

But basically, they're nuts about weight and body image but scorn sexuality. I

can't figure them out. Absolutely batty.

I've mentioned on this site before the crazy things my nada used to do. She used

to starve me and my brother while fattening up my little sister. Her food issues

were more related to control and hurting others rather than really food issues

themselves.

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

@ - my nada is the same way, I'm never skinny enough and since I had a baby

I've put on 40 pounds, but hey I wear a size 14/16 which is actually pretty

normal. Do I wish I was back to my size 10 days, sure but age is against me.

She actually said to my son, after she asked him if she stop and get ice cream

on the way over to my house and he said yes we both love ice cream " yes, your

mother looks like she enjoys her ice cream and anything else she can stuff in

her face " . Seriously, that's how you talk to a 7 year old. He and I had a long

discussion that he wouldn't let anybody say that about his friends and he

shouldn't allow her to say it either.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:29 PM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

YES!!!

- when I went NC the only messages my nada passed to me via other family

members were about her weight. I am kind of a health nut. She is a glutton

- so she thinks my problem with her (the last words she said to me were that

she always always always loved my BROTHERSSSS, including the one who died at

birth, more than she EVAH loved me). Yeah, my problem with her is her

weight.

- Waif boss. Ok, so she will stop important conversations like issues to be

resolved with clients, or fair work load distributions or disagreements

between co-workers to talk about shoes and hair cuts. And I don't mean it

happens once in a while, I mean it happens constantly. You can't get through

a conversation with her at all w/o a 20 min tangent about appearance. In

fact, the other day I went to work in a sassy pair of boots. I ran home at

lunch, and they were uncomfortable so I changed. At the end of the day she

says (without looking) " I like your boots, " I knew exactly what she meant,

because of her appearance fettish. And its not like she is SO amazing

looking anyway, I mean, she isn't unattractive, but if appearance is her

greatest value then she really needs to get to work. It's not my biggest

value at all. . but anyway. So in that conversation about the boots, " I

said, oh you like these old cheap boots I've worn every day for 18 months? "

Her face crumples in confusion. She can't figure it out. I sllip out the

door.

- Another time, waif boss and i were talking about a local girl, who was

abducted at age 14 and held captive for 9 months. She said what she always

says whenever we discuss crime in the news " I can't believe that they would

do that to such a BEAUTIFUL girl!!!! " I'm SO freaking offended by that!!

What, like ugly girls deserve to be raped in captivity for 9 months, but

beautiful girls don't? I could seriously spit in her eye when she says that

shit!!! And she says it so often, that I know she at least partially

believes it.

- Ok and then waif boss on the topic of weight. Well, she doesn't talk about

much else to be honest. She is a total munch mouth, if she isn't talking

about shoes and hair cuts, she is talking about " Oooooh poor me I didn't get

breakfast " and at 10:30 am " I need lunch I just caaaaaannnn't think. "

Anyway, she is about 60 yrs old and 4 foot 9 inches tall. I'm honestly two

of her, at least vertically. Anyway, she lost 11 lbs recently and I have NOT

heard the end of what size she can fit into and how skinny she is etc etc.

She works it into every conversation. On thursday we were at a cafe trying

to pick them up as a client she says " You have been really good lately "

(meaning I have been making healthy diet choices) I said " Well, I'm always

good, but I've been making healthier diet choices the last 6 weeks or so. "

She says " Well there you go. "

- So her boss, the CEO of the company attacked me last spring when I gained

about 10 lbs over the holidays. He said something like " Why are you letting

yourself put on weight? " He was doing an extreme colon cleanse at the time,

and had lost so much weight his ass completely disappeared. This leads me to

conclude 2 things: 1) I am NOT discussing weight at my workplace ever again

as long as I live and 2) I need to get out of the advertising industry!!!

PRONTO!!!!!!

So anyway, yes, I think that " weight " means something completely different

than just " weight " and I think that personality disordered people make it

even worse than it needs to be.

> **

>

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG!!!! She said that to your kid? I'll kill her!!!

And yes, my FOO was the same way after my divorce - dating wasn't even on

the table and I was already a slut

> **

>

>

> @ - my nada is the same way, I'm never skinny enough and since I had a

> baby I've put on 40 pounds, but hey I wear a size 14/16 which is actually

> pretty normal. Do I wish I was back to my size 10 days, sure but age is

> against me. She actually said to my son, after she asked him if she stop

> and get ice cream on the way over to my house and he said yes we both love

> ice cream " yes, your mother looks like she enjoys her ice cream and

> anything else she can stuff in her face " . Seriously, that's how you talk to

> a 7 year old. He and I had a long discussion that he wouldn't let anybody

> say that about his friends and he shouldn't allow her to say it either.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

> Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:29 PM

> Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

>

>

> YES!!!

> - when I went NC the only messages my nada passed to me via other family

> members were about her weight. I am kind of a health nut. She is a glutton

> - so she thinks my problem with her (the last words she said to me were

> that

> she always always always loved my BROTHERSSSS, including the one who died

> at

> birth, more than she EVAH loved me). Yeah, my problem with her is her

> weight.

>

> - Waif boss. Ok, so she will stop important conversations like issues to be

> resolved with clients, or fair work load distributions or disagreements

> between co-workers to talk about shoes and hair cuts. And I don't mean it

> happens once in a while, I mean it happens constantly. You can't get

> through

> a conversation with her at all w/o a 20 min tangent about appearance. In

> fact, the other day I went to work in a sassy pair of boots. I ran home at

> lunch, and they were uncomfortable so I changed. At the end of the day she

> says (without looking) " I like your boots, " I knew exactly what she meant,

> because of her appearance fettish. And its not like she is SO amazing

> looking anyway, I mean, she isn't unattractive, but if appearance is her

> greatest value then she really needs to get to work. It's not my biggest

> value at all. . but anyway. So in that conversation about the boots, " I

> said, oh you like these old cheap boots I've worn every day for 18 months? "

> Her face crumples in confusion. She can't figure it out. I sllip out the

> door.

>

> - Another time, waif boss and i were talking about a local girl, who was

> abducted at age 14 and held captive for 9 months. She said what she always

> says whenever we discuss crime in the news " I can't believe that they would

> do that to such a BEAUTIFUL girl!!!! " I'm SO freaking offended by that!!

> What, like ugly girls deserve to be raped in captivity for 9 months, but

> beautiful girls don't? I could seriously spit in her eye when she says that

> shit!!! And she says it so often, that I know she at least partially

> believes it.

>

> - Ok and then waif boss on the topic of weight. Well, she doesn't talk

> about

> much else to be honest. She is a total munch mouth, if she isn't talking

> about shoes and hair cuts, she is talking about " Oooooh poor me I didn't

> get

> breakfast " and at 10:30 am " I need lunch I just caaaaaannnn't think. "

> Anyway, she is about 60 yrs old and 4 foot 9 inches tall. I'm honestly two

> of her, at least vertically. Anyway, she lost 11 lbs recently and I have

> NOT

> heard the end of what size she can fit into and how skinny she is etc etc.

> She works it into every conversation. On thursday we were at a cafe trying

> to pick them up as a client she says " You have been really good lately "

> (meaning I have been making healthy diet choices) I said " Well, I'm always

> good, but I've been making healthier diet choices the last 6 weeks or so. "

> She says " Well there you go. "

>

> - So her boss, the CEO of the company attacked me last spring when I gained

> about 10 lbs over the holidays. He said something like " Why are you letting

> yourself put on weight? " He was doing an extreme colon cleanse at the time,

> and had lost so much weight his ass completely disappeared. This leads me

> to

> conclude 2 things: 1) I am NOT discussing weight at my workplace ever again

> as long as I live and 2) I need to get out of the advertising industry!!!

> PRONTO!!!!!!

>

> So anyway, yes, I think that " weight " means something completely different

> than just " weight " and I think that personality disordered people make it

> even worse than it needs to be.

>

>

>

> > **

>

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

> connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an

> HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

> shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone

> else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't

> make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her

> house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat

> dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

> or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

I grew up experiencing my weight-and-beauty-and-fashion-and-status-obsessed nada

projecting her own craving for perfection onto me (and Sister.) So I grew up

hearing my every physical feature commented on, critiqued, and found

disappointingly lacking.

When I was a small child I was " too thin " and that was bad. When I hit 11,

actually gained an appetite and began developing pubescent curves, then I was

" too fat. " Its a long story, but, the bottom line is that yes, my nada and dad

both would make the kind of indirect comments RE weight yours does. As a

result, my self-esteem was in the toilet; I went for years without being able to

look at other people in the eyes, afraid of the rejection and disdain I was sure

I would see there. I became alienated from my own self.

The message that I received from all this negative critiquing was, " Well,

((((sigh))).... you're kind of silly-looking really, disappointingly

unattractive, but we love you anyway, you disgusting piece of crap. " And the

subtext was, " So you should be more grateful to us. "

With parents like that, who needs enemies?

-Annie

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I am so sorry that she says these things to you. You deserve her respect and

understanding. My nada doesn't like my DH either. She makes comments like she is

joking but she's not and she has a negative tone/demenor when she talks to him.

We don't know why or what it is about. Only thing I can figure is he doesn't

make as much money as my BL and I don't make as much as my sister. Nada is all

about the stuff, what things look like. She says she isn't and we were raised to

not be materialistic, but like so many things, she means the opposite of what

she says. I am finally to the point where I know it is her loss, although she'll

never realize it.

Hang in there.

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

That is terrible, I am so sorry you and your son have to deal with your nada's

rudeness. My nada is worse about it when she's drinking. I just never talk about

weight and ignore it when she does. And I don't drink with her and get going if

she is. I am finally okay with what I weigh. I am also a size 14/16 and am again

working to lose some weight so I feel better physically and about myself, but

not to make her happy. I have two grown kids, and cannot imagine saying negtive

things to them about their appearance.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Annie,

I can so relate. I remember the summer before I entered high school I was a

little curvy also. My whole family, nada, dad and sisters put me on a diet. I

lost 15 pounds. Message has always been how you look is way more important than

how you feel. No one asked that, ever. Smile, say everything is fine and look

your best. Stepford - that is how I saw it. I felt so out of touch with them

all, like I didn't belong. I hink it effected me pretty deeply, I don't like to

dress up, don't care about clothes shopping and never do that thing where girls

go on and on about their outfits, etc. And when people do it , it makes my skin

crawl. I dress appropriately but am what most probably would call a minimalist.

A few years ago I had a sensitive (kind of like a psychic but doesn't tell your

future, just picks up on how you are doing - gives you suggestions, etc.) tell

me the extra weight was for protection. I thought about it and it makes a lot of

sense. Protection from the world. Also eating brings comfort.

I prefer to be about 30 pounds lighter and am working on it, but it is only a

part of who we are - not EVERYTHING!

I actually think if I did lose the weight and showed up to a foo gathering

weighing less than one of my sisters it would cause major upheavel. I would gain

instant new power in nada's eyes and disdain from sisters!

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Oh yes, I can relate. Covert uBPD/NPD mom was VERY subtle, but she had huge

judgmental issues with people who were fat (her own uNPD dad used to call her

" Fat Pat " after she had an incident in college and gained a bunch of weight).

She never ate properly when I was growing up and I would always have to get her

to eat something because she hadn't eaten all day and " couldnt think " or

" couldn't cope " which she couldn't do even when she wasn't calorically

challenged but it was even worse when she was starving herself.

She died two months ago and I am going thru all the cards I sent her (only one

mothers day card with actual words inside - tee hee!) and I see ones in college

I sent her where I reminding her to eat! To me she was very underhanded, i was

always skinny in school, but as I have had crises and over the past ten years

when i was separating from " F " oo (sorry can't bear to deal with even the letter

that symbolizes family without quotation marks) I got much more into cooking and

eating and my weight would go up in times of crisis and general periods of

episodic workaholicism. I loved it. I know it drove my mom crazy. She would

give me a clothing item of hers because " it was too big for her. " I guess I did

a good job of establishing boundaries because I never even gave statements like

this a second thought. I am 15 pounds away from being thin again, but I'm

fairly healthy with a muffin top, and my loving partner doesn't care as long as

I'm healthy and neither do i.

Reading some writing of my mom's after her passing I see that she had a big

problem with my weight and complained about it to her fat N friend! She

realized she shouldn't bitch about my weight to her overweight friend, not bitch

about me of course, but just the weight aspect should be avoided.

And she would always make comments about people being fat, about a show we saw

portraying images of overweight women was " disgusting. "

I used to love savoring my creme brulee in front of her.

Bon Apetit!

SR

[Guest guest]

This group is great! I only wish I knew about it 30 years ago, my life would

have been so much nicer. But at 45 its not to late to take control and be

happy. I often wonder if her mother was the same way to her. My SO is

wonderful and no matter how rude she gets continues to be pleasant and non

combative with her (being a career army officer helps)Â We would all like to

lose a few pounds but for us not for nada

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 10:49 PM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

Â

I am so sorry that she says these things to you. You deserve her respect and

understanding. My nada doesn't like my DH either. She makes comments like she is

joking but she's not and she has a negative tone/demenor when she talks to him.

We don't know why or what it is about. Only thing I can figure is he doesn't

make as much money as my BL and I don't make as much as my sister. Nada is all

about the stuff, what things look like. She says she isn't and we were raised to

not be materialistic, but like so many things, she means the opposite of what

she says. I am finally to the point where I know it is her loss, although she'll

never realize it.

Hang in there.

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

@ - my nada is the same way, I'm never skinny enough and since I had a baby

I've put on 40 pounds, but hey I wear a size 14/16 which is actually pretty

normal. Do I wish I was back to my size 10 days, sure but age is against me.

She actually said to my son, after she asked him if she stop and get ice cream

on the way over to my house and he said yes we both love ice cream " yes, your

mother looks like she enjoys her ice cream and anything else she can stuff in

her face " . Seriously, that's how you talk to a 7 year old. He and I had a long

discussion that he wouldn't let anybody say that about his friends and he

shouldn't allow her to say it either.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:29 PM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

YES!!!

- when I went NC the only messages my nada passed to me via other family

members were about her weight. I am kind of a health nut. She is a glutton

- so she thinks my problem with her (the last words she said to me were that

she always always always loved my BROTHERSSSS, including the one who died at

birth, more than she EVAH loved me). Yeah, my problem with her is her

weight.

- Waif boss. Ok, so she will stop important conversations like issues to be

resolved with clients, or fair work load distributions or disagreements

between co-workers to talk about shoes and hair cuts. And I don't mean it

happens once in a while, I mean it happens constantly. You can't get through

a conversation with her at all w/o a 20 min tangent about appearance. In

fact, the other day I went to work in a sassy pair of boots. I ran home at

lunch, and they were uncomfortable so I changed. At the end of the day she

says (without looking) " I like your boots, " I knew exactly what she meant,

because of her appearance fettish. And its not like she is SO amazing

looking anyway, I mean, she isn't unattractive, but if appearance is her

greatest value then she really needs to get to work. It's not my biggest

value at all. . but anyway. So in that conversation about the boots, " I

said, oh you like these old cheap boots I've worn every day for 18 months? "

Her face crumples in confusion. She can't figure it out. I sllip out the

door.

- Another time, waif boss and i were talking about a local girl, who was

abducted at age 14 and held captive for 9 months. She said what she always

says whenever we discuss crime in the news " I can't believe that they would

do that to such a BEAUTIFUL girl!!!! " I'm SO freaking offended by that!!

What, like ugly girls deserve to be raped in captivity for 9 months, but

beautiful girls don't? I could seriously spit in her eye when she says that

shit!!! And she says it so often, that I know she at least partially

believes it.

- Ok and then waif boss on the topic of weight. Well, she doesn't talk about

much else to be honest. She is a total munch mouth, if she isn't talking

about shoes and hair cuts, she is talking about " Oooooh poor me I didn't get

breakfast " and at 10:30 am " I need lunch I just caaaaaannnn't think. "

Anyway, she is about 60 yrs old and 4 foot 9 inches tall. I'm honestly two

of her, at least vertically. Anyway, she lost 11 lbs recently and I have NOT

heard the end of what size she can fit into and how skinny she is etc etc.

She works it into every conversation. On thursday we were at a cafe trying

to pick them up as a client she says " You have been really good lately "

(meaning I have been making healthy diet choices) I said " Well, I'm always

good, but I've been making healthier diet choices the last 6 weeks or so. "

She says " Well there you go. "

- So her boss, the CEO of the company attacked me last spring when I gained

about 10 lbs over the holidays. He said something like " Why are you letting

yourself put on weight? " He was doing an extreme colon cleanse at the time,

and had lost so much weight his ass completely disappeared. This leads me to

conclude 2 things: 1) I am NOT discussing weight at my workplace ever again

as long as I live and 2) I need to get out of the advertising industry!!!

PRONTO!!!!!!

So anyway, yes, I think that " weight " means something completely different

than just " weight " and I think that personality disordered people make it

even worse than it needs to be.

> **

>

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I LOVE IT SR! Great attitude!

> **

>

>

> @ - my nada is the same way, I'm never skinny enough and since I had a

> baby I've put on 40 pounds, but hey I wear a size 14/16 which is actually

> pretty normal. Do I wish I was back to my size 10 days, sure but age is

> against me. She actually said to my son, after she asked him if she stop

> and get ice cream on the way over to my house and he said yes we both love

> ice cream " yes, your mother looks like she enjoys her ice cream and

> anything else she can stuff in her face " . Seriously, that's how you talk to

> a 7 year old. He and I had a long discussion that he wouldn't let anybody

> say that about his friends and he shouldn't allow her to say it either.

>

> ________________________________

>

> To: WTOAdultChildren1

>

> Sent: Sunday, October 16, 2011 5:29 PM

> Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

>

>

> YES!!!

> - when I went NC the only messages my nada passed to me via other family

> members were about her weight. I am kind of a health nut. She is a glutton

> - so she thinks my problem with her (the last words she said to me were

> that

> she always always always loved my BROTHERSSSS, including the one who died

> at

> birth, more than she EVAH loved me). Yeah, my problem with her is her

> weight.

>

> - Waif boss. Ok, so she will stop important conversations like issues to be

> resolved with clients, or fair work load distributions or disagreements

> between co-workers to talk about shoes and hair cuts. And I don't mean it

> happens once in a while, I mean it happens constantly. You can't get

> through

> a conversation with her at all w/o a 20 min tangent about appearance. In

> fact, the other day I went to work in a sassy pair of boots. I ran home at

> lunch, and they were uncomfortable so I changed. At the end of the day she

> says (without looking) " I like your boots, " I knew exactly what she meant,

> because of her appearance fettish. And its not like she is SO amazing

> looking anyway, I mean, she isn't unattractive, but if appearance is her

> greatest value then she really needs to get to work. It's not my biggest

> value at all. . but anyway. So in that conversation about the boots, " I

> said, oh you like these old cheap boots I've worn every day for 18 months? "

> Her face crumples in confusion. She can't figure it out. I sllip out the

> door.

>

> - Another time, waif boss and i were talking about a local girl, who was

> abducted at age 14 and held captive for 9 months. She said what she always

> says whenever we discuss crime in the news " I can't believe that they would

> do that to such a BEAUTIFUL girl!!!! " I'm SO freaking offended by that!!

> What, like ugly girls deserve to be raped in captivity for 9 months, but

> beautiful girls don't? I could seriously spit in her eye when she says that

> shit!!! And she says it so often, that I know she at least partially

> believes it.

>

> - Ok and then waif boss on the topic of weight. Well, she doesn't talk

> about

> much else to be honest. She is a total munch mouth, if she isn't talking

> about shoes and hair cuts, she is talking about " Oooooh poor me I didn't

> get

> breakfast " and at 10:30 am " I need lunch I just caaaaaannnn't think. "

> Anyway, she is about 60 yrs old and 4 foot 9 inches tall. I'm honestly two

> of her, at least vertically. Anyway, she lost 11 lbs recently and I have

> NOT

> heard the end of what size she can fit into and how skinny she is etc etc.

> She works it into every conversation. On thursday we were at a cafe trying

> to pick them up as a client she says " You have been really good lately "

> (meaning I have been making healthy diet choices) I said " Well, I'm always

> good, but I've been making healthier diet choices the last 6 weeks or so. "

> She says " Well there you go. "

>

> - So her boss, the CEO of the company attacked me last spring when I gained

> about 10 lbs over the holidays. He said something like " Why are you letting

> yourself put on weight? " He was doing an extreme colon cleanse at the time,

> and had lost so much weight his ass completely disappeared. This leads me

> to

> conclude 2 things: 1) I am NOT discussing weight at my workplace ever again

> as long as I live and 2) I need to get out of the advertising industry!!!

> PRONTO!!!!!!

>

> So anyway, yes, I think that " weight " means something completely different

> than just " weight " and I think that personality disordered people make it

> even worse than it needs to be.

>

>

>

> > **

>

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

> connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an

> HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

> shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone

> else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't

> make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her

> house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat

> dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

> or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

[Guest guest]

oh, yeah, I could go on and on.

My nada, in fact, both my parents, shaped my image of myself -- I know this

truly and for a fact -- based on my appearance. They constantly reminded me that

I had a weight issue, constantly told me how fat I was, constantly assigned me

nicknames based on my appearance, if someone came to visit us and made mocking

comments to me about my weight, they would say nothing and do nothing to protect

or defend me.

If I lost weight, they would tell me I was getting too skinny and to stop

dieting.

Now, nada has tried to move on to my daughter. She's 7 and, I like to say (to

myself), " curvy. " Nada has made comments to her about what she was eating and I

gave her a HUGE verbal smackdown. It's just not happening. It brings out the

beastly mother bear in me, ready to rip the face off of anyone who dares go

there.

My nada is used to me and my brother being overweight, I think she likes holding

that over us. Even now, as an adult, when we've been in public gatherings and

we meet someone who's slender, she'll grab my arm and laugh and say, " I wish I

could give you (the slender person) some of my daughter's FAT! "

It's a depressing topic b/c it reminds me of how little my parents cared to be

our advocate, how they actually threw us to the wolves, but it felt good to go

over it today.

Fiona

>

> Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references to

their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my value

(actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> So very hurtful and rude.

>

> Anyone else?

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

amazing how your waif boss is so much like my nada.

nada will discuss other people's appearances with them, despite their spoken

desire NOT to do so, and has even...embarrassed for her to admit this...patted a

chubby coworker's ASS. nada thinks this is funny and doesn't see why it should

be such a big deal.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

, forgive me, esp since I don't know your nada, but what a bitchy, crappy

thing for her to say to your son. So conniving to try to get to you through

him. Freak.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

" With parents like that, who needs enemies? "

sheesh, exactly.

I was thinking more about the topic of this thread and realized something else

my nada does, is that when she sees my older daughter, who is skinny and tall,

she will have her stand up and twirl around so she can see her shapeliness. My

daughter hates it. And I've told my mother to STOP IT b/c she clearly does not

do that w/ my younger, curvier daughter. It's like she's saying something

without saying it.

She really is like dealing with an alien from another planet. She's dense.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> > > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> > > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

shallow,

> > > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone

else

> > > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> > > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her

house

> > > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat

dessert

> > > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > > look it.

> > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or

> > > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > >

> > > Anyone else?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes, it was all about appearances. I had a bit of an eating disorder in high

school, as in, I'd eat only green beans for dinner, lost so much weight that my

period stopped entirely for six months, and my nada's first question was, " Are

you sure you're not pregnant? " Hello, if my period had stopped for six months

due to pregnancy would my jeans be hanging off my hipbones? I wasn't even dating

at the time. She never once commented on how much weight I'd lost, but would be

quick to slip in a snide comment if I mentioned that my waistband felt tight.

Fast forward three decades and three actual pregnancies and I've finally come to

a point where I've decided I'm going to be okay with being a size 10 instead of

a size 6. I'm 5'9. Yeeeaaah. What's funny is that my husband doesn't seem to

notice or even care that I've put on 10 extra pounds, other than that I seem to

have gotten a lot of new clothes lately. :-)

> > >

> > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my

value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > >

> > > Anyone else?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

If you're 5'9 and wear a size 10 you must be beautiful! I'm 5'3 and wear a 16

and my SO loves me just as is.

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 17, 2011 11:13 AM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

Â

Yes, it was all about appearances. I had a bit of an eating disorder in high

school, as in, I'd eat only green beans for dinner, lost so much weight that my

period stopped entirely for six months, and my nada's first question was, " Are

you sure you're not pregnant? " Hello, if my period had stopped for six months

due to pregnancy would my jeans be hanging off my hipbones? I wasn't even dating

at the time. She never once commented on how much weight I'd lost, but would be

quick to slip in a snide comment if I mentioned that my waistband felt tight.

Fast forward three decades and three actual pregnancies and I've finally come to

a point where I've decided I'm going to be okay with being a size 10 instead of

a size 6. I'm 5'9. Yeeeaaah. What's funny is that my husband doesn't seem to

notice or even care that I've put on 10 extra pounds, other than that I seem to

have gotten a lot of new clothes lately. :-)

> > >

> > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects my

value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow, rude

and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at family

gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for any

diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us (just

she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > >

> > > Anyone else?

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I noticed that in my nada as well: (when I was still in contact with her) she

was so completely *dense* about how hurtful her comments were. And she didn't

" remember " from one time to the next that I'd asked her to please not bring this

or that topic up.

For example, for my whole adult life I'd asked her to please stop making

negative comments about physical flaws I have no control over because I felt

self-conscious about these things. Hearing AGAIN how thin and fine my hair is

hurt my feelings. I've tried lots of things to make my hair nicer, but, that's

just the way it is. After several decades of asking her to please stop bringing

that up and nada just blithely continuing to do it, I finally resorted to

sarcasm.

We were at a shopping mall when nada yet again brought up how sad it is that

" we " have thin, fine hair (nada's hair is normal) and maybe I could wear my hair

differently (like hers) or maybe I could wear a wig or something... and I just

snapped.

Since I had never been fed up enough to use sarcasm before and really let loose,

I think it shocked nada out of her shoes and it finally, FINALLY penetrated that

when I said " Please do not bring that up again " I actually meant it.

That one use of sarcasm kept her from bringing up the topic of my hair for

years. But... the last time I saw nada in person (summer of last year) she

slyly brought it up again.

The fact that she so coyly mentioned my hair AGAIN is why I think that the

" oops, sorry, I forgot " thing is just a plain old lie. If someone you care

about says, " Please don't bring that up, it hurts my feelings " and you *keep

bringing it up over and over again* then that is an act of *hostility*. Its

deliberate and hostile and just masked as an " oops. " That's called

passive-aggressive hostility or a passive-aggressive attack.

Once or twice is an accident, but a pattern of repetitive insulting, hurtful

remarks or behavior is deliberate and very, very hostile.

So, maybe try sarcasm on your nada if she does that favoritism/negative

comparison RE weight to your daughters again.

Perhaps very calmly but distinctly in nada's presence you could say something

like, " Girls, I guess from now on we will have to remind grandnada to behave

herself because her mind is starting to deteriorate; sometimes old people get

dementia and that makes them forgetful and makes them say mean, ugly things. So

when she does that we can remind her to *Be Nice, Grandma* " Then directly to

your nada, " OK, mom? Remember that its Not OK to talk about our weight, dear.

Its Very Rude. " And say it kind of in her face, distinctly and slowly and a

little loudly as though your nada is also going deaf and is rather feeble-minded

from dementia. Maybe pat her hand or her head for emphasis.

Maybe sarcasm will help your " Do not go there " message penetrate.

-Annie

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's

references

> > > > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

connects

> > > > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an

HER

> > > > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

shallow,

> > > > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone

else

> > > > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > > > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't

make

> > > > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her

house

> > > > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat

dessert

> > > > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

You

> > > > look it.

> > > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or

> > > > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

When nada started in saying rude things about SO, his parents that she's never

met, etc... I told my son: remember how they talk about bullying in school and

its not nice to do these things. Grandma, because of her age, seems to have

forgotten that so we have to help her and remind her of what good manners are

etc... She completely lost it being treated like a child by a child and

inferring she has dementia because thats her greatest fear.Â

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Monday, October 17, 2011 11:17 AM

Subject: Re: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

Â

I noticed that in my nada as well: (when I was still in contact with her) she

was so completely *dense* about how hurtful her comments were. And she didn't

" remember " from one time to the next that I'd asked her to please not bring this

or that topic up.

For example, for my whole adult life I'd asked her to please stop making

negative comments about physical flaws I have no control over because I felt

self-conscious about these things. Hearing AGAIN how thin and fine my hair is

hurt my feelings. I've tried lots of things to make my hair nicer, but, that's

just the way it is. After several decades of asking her to please stop bringing

that up and nada just blithely continuing to do it, I finally resorted to

sarcasm.

We were at a shopping mall when nada yet again brought up how sad it is that

" we " have thin, fine hair (nada's hair is normal) and maybe I could wear my hair

differently (like hers) or maybe I could wear a wig or something... and I just

snapped.

Since I had never been fed up enough to use sarcasm before and really let loose,

I think it shocked nada out of her shoes and it finally, FINALLY penetrated that

when I said " Please do not bring that up again " I actually meant it.

That one use of sarcasm kept her from bringing up the topic of my hair for

years. But... the last time I saw nada in person (summer of last year) she

slyly brought it up again.

The fact that she so coyly mentioned my hair AGAIN is why I think that the

" oops, sorry, I forgot " thing is just a plain old lie. If someone you care

about says, " Please don't bring that up, it hurts my feelings " and you *keep

bringing it up over and over again* then that is an act of *hostility*. Its

deliberate and hostile and just masked as an " oops. " That's called

passive-aggressive hostility or a passive-aggressive attack.

Once or twice is an accident, but a pattern of repetitive insulting, hurtful

remarks or behavior is deliberate and very, very hostile.

So, maybe try sarcasm on your nada if she does that favoritism/negative

comparison RE weight to your daughters again.

Perhaps very calmly but distinctly in nada's presence you could say something

like, " Girls, I guess from now on we will have to remind grandnada to behave

herself because her mind is starting to deteriorate; sometimes old people get

dementia and that makes them forgetful and makes them say mean, ugly things. So

when she does that we can remind her to *Be Nice, Grandma* " Then directly to

your nada, " OK, mom? Remember that its Not OK to talk about our weight, dear.

Its Very Rude. " And say it kind of in her face, distinctly and slowly and a

little loudly as though your nada is also going deaf and is rather feeble-minded

from dementia. Maybe pat her hand or her head for emphasis.

Maybe sarcasm will help your " Do not go there " message penetrate.

-Annie

> > >

> > > > **

> > > >

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's

references

> > > > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

connects

> > > > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an

HER

> > > > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

shallow,

> > > > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone

else

> > > > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > > > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't

make

> > > > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her

house

> > > > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat

dessert

> > > > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear?

You

> > > > look it.

> > > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic

or

> > > > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >Â

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

D'awwwwww, you're so sweet! But beauty is not about size. Your great comments on

the board demonstrate what beauty is all about!

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's

references to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

connects my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an

HER daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else at

family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical reason for

any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make dessert for us

(just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house to help clean her

basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my

least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You look it.

> > > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny

alcholoic or drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > > >

> > > > Anyone else?

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

OMG Fiona - she said she wanted to give a stranger some of your fat? I

remember when I was really little my brother and one of his friends - or

maybe it was a cousin -whispering about how they wanted to cut my fat off

with a knife. It's fuzzy. . but anyway, that is basically EXACTLY what she

is saying. It makes me want to lash out!!!!

And on the topic of standing up and spinning around - my grandmother always

made me do that. I HATED it. Why do they do that? It just makes you feel

stupid. And to be honest, waif boss asks me to do it ALL the time. I don't

want to for fucks sake I'm almost 40 years old. That might have been fun

when I was four, but now I want to feel reasonably confident about how I

look and get SHIT DONE! Not spin around for you!

UGH.

On Mon, Oct 17, 2011 at 9:50 AM, writermanque wrote:

> **

>

>

> D'awwwwww, you're so sweet! But beauty is not about size. Your great

> comments on the board demonstrate what beauty is all about!

>

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's

> references to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and

> connects my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I

> an HER daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this

> shallow, rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask

> anyone else at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no

> medical reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I

> didn't make dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went

> to her house to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't

> usually eat dessert with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few

> pounds dear? You look it.

> > > > > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny

> alcholoic or drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > > > > So very hurtful and rude.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyone else?

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

- Good God. It is not okay for her to talk to your 7 year old like that

(it's not OK to talk to anybody like that, but a 7 year old is still very

impressionable, and it can be hard for them to keep " what is OK to say to

Grandma " straight).

Please, please don't buy the house from her. She will never let it go. It will

always be " the deal I gave you " and " you owe me access to my grandchild, I put a

roof over your head. "

She sounds awful. Run, , Run!!

On a different tack, about weight discussions in general, I think Nadas use it

when it's a button they can push, because it's an easy target. But I think

even non-Nada females use weight as a topic, like shoes or hairdos, kind of like

men use football. It's just sort of a universal topic that we are expected to

use when we don't have anything else to talk about. (I know - how can

intelligent people not have anything else to talk about?) I tell you I feel

fat, you tell me I look great, and we launch into a discussion of our current

diet. It's like talking about the weather. Nadas just weaponize it.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > Anyone else totally fed up with (no pun intended) their nada's references

> > to their diet, weight, etc.? Mine is totally obsessed with it and connects

> > my value (actually probably anyone's, but mine a bit more because I an HER

> > daughter)directly with my waistline and I am so very tired of this shallow,

> > rude and hurtful focus. Examples: Are you walking? (doesn't ask anyone else

> > at family gathering) How far do you walk? Can you eat these? (no medical

> > reason for any diet restrictions, so must be weight related) I didn't make

> > dessert for us (just she and I eating lunch one day when I went to her house

> > to help clean her basement. No reason to say this, don't usually eat dessert

> > with lunch.) and my least favorite: So you've lost a few pounds dear? You

> > look it.

> > I kid you not, I wonder if she would rather that I be a skinny alcholoic or

> > drug addict than 20 pounds overweight.

> > So very hurtful and rude.

> >

> > Anyone else?

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>