What I'm having a lot of trouble with

[Guest guest]

I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set to

move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to visit

and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I have

2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship. I even

have a couple close friends.

I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get out of

bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic events in the

past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work. Now, when

nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past week

just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I eat nothing

but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage yesterday and had a hard

time letting go of all the things I was worried about to even enjoy it!

Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

feedback.

[Guest guest]

I'd recommend seeing a dr, depression that serious needs more help than any of

us can give you and there might even be an underlying medical condition. And

ask for help from your friends. I was always the one who everyone turned to and

when my divorce happened I had to let others help me and you know what, they

wanted to. I'm sure you're friends would love to help you if they knew.

________________________________

From: clefairy_looking_for_moonstone

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:02 PM

Subject: What I'm having a lot of trouble with

Â

I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set to

move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to visit

and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I have

2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship. I even

have a couple close friends.

I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get out of

bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic events in the

past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work. Now, when

nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past week

just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I eat nothing

but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage yesterday and had a hard

time letting go of all the things I was worried about to even enjoy it!

Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

feedback.

[Guest guest]

Are you on any antidepressants? I've been there, done that with having zero

energy for anything. When I lived at home, I escaped through work. When I

moved out and went LC, I barely had energy to do anything, which was

absolutely craptastic since I went to undergrad full time and worked two

part time jobs.

Finally I went to the doctor and got some antidepressants. Zoloft worked for

a while, but then a few years later I switched to Lexapro which has helped

both depression and PTSD. It's in addition to therapy that it's really

effective, but I do encourage talking with your doctor about

antidepressants.

Holly

On Tue, Oct 18, 2011 at 2:02 PM, clefairy_looking_for_moonstone <

clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@...> wrote:

> **

>

>

> I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

>

> I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set

> to move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to

> visit and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

> My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I

> have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship.

> I even have a couple close friends.

>

> I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get

> out of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic

> events in the past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my

> work. Now, when nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

> I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past

> week just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I

> always sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I

> eat nothing but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage

> yesterday and had a hard time letting go of all the things I was worried

> about to even enjoy it!

>

> Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

> feedback.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I wonder if perhaps your nada living near you allows you to feel a semblance of

connection with her and the hope of possibly resuming contact, but now that she

will be moving away physically a reconciliation will become more unlikely, and

you are experiencing grief/mourning?

Loss creates grief, in my opinion, but sometimes that is simply reality and we

have to accept it. We have to pass through the stages of grief when loss

happens to us. I think that if we all could perform magic, we would magically

cure our bpd/npd/Cluster B parents so that we could have a normal, joyful

parent/adult child relationship with them, so grief over the loss of hope of

having that desired, healthy parent/child relationship seems normal to me.

I am still in some stage of grieving over the fact that my nada and I seem to do

much better when we are not in contact with each other; I wish it were

different, but I seem to irritate the crap out of nada; she feels very

disappointed in me, feels the need to attack, denigrate, shame and hurt me, and

I just can't handle that any more. Walking on eggshells around nada irritated

the crap out of me (or made me want to drug myself into oblivion) when I was in

contact with her, and more recently just hearing her voice on the phone started

making me physically ill. But now that my nada has Alzheimer's, I do feel pity

for her and I'm struggling with feeling a desire to resume contact out of simple

humanitarian compassion if nothing else. So far, it feels like this tragic

conundrum will never resolve itself, so I feel for you.

So, as Doug often says, be gentle with yourself, and let yourself feel the

feelings of grief and yearning even though they are unpleasant. Perhaps bring

this up with your therapist who might have an entirely different take on things,

and have other possible causes for your sadness for you to consider and various

ways to handle it.

-Annie

>

> I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

>

> I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set to

move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to visit

and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

> My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I

have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship. I

even have a couple close friends.

>

> I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get out

of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic events in the

past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work. Now, when

nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

> I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past week

just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I eat nothing

but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage yesterday and had a hard

time letting go of all the things I was worried about to even enjoy it!

>

> Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

feedback.

>

[Guest guest]

Based on this statement you made:

" --- In WTOAdultChildren1 ,

I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic events in the past,

I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work. Now, when nothing

seems to be happening, I'm just floundering. "

....I am wondering whether you got so accustomed to your role in the drama with

your mother that maybe you are having a little bit of an identity crisis now

that you have detached from it? I think that is pretty common. Sometimes we just

simply don't know what to do with peace and quiet, and it makes us feel

out-of-our-element until we learn that it's really okay not to have to rescue

anyone or spend all our free time worried about someone else's emotional state.

We sometimes have trouble letting go of our co-dependent roles.

Another contributing factor could also be an underlying message in your thought

patterns--given to you by your mother and possibly adopted by you as your

own--that you don't deserve to be happy or have space for yourself without her.

I don't know whether either of those ideas resonates with you, but your T will

be able to help you with both.

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I agree with everything about the depression - but I also notice that I

never experience trauma AS it is happening. It is the reliving it afterwards

that is hard. In the moment, I am busy, hands on, solving problems, kicking

asses and taking names. Afterwards, I lie in bed and wish I had just died

during it. . .

So maybe it is a delayed grief thing. Or maybe you just finally have TIME to

realize what you have been through. I mean, the deal with your brother. . .

that alone was enough to make me want to lay in bed for 3 months and eat

hostess cupcakes and nothing else.

Hugs sweetie, yes talk to your doctor, be gentle with yourself, and maybe

plan in downtime and relaxation time.

XOXO

On Tue, Oct 18, 2011 at 1:44 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> I wonder if perhaps your nada living near you allows you to feel a

> semblance of connection with her and the hope of possibly resuming contact,

> but now that she will be moving away physically a reconciliation will become

> more unlikely, and you are experiencing grief/mourning?

>

> Loss creates grief, in my opinion, but sometimes that is simply reality and

> we have to accept it. We have to pass through the stages of grief when loss

> happens to us. I think that if we all could perform magic, we would

> magically cure our bpd/npd/Cluster B parents so that we could have a normal,

> joyful parent/adult child relationship with them, so grief over the loss of

> hope of having that desired, healthy parent/child relationship seems normal

> to me.

>

> I am still in some stage of grieving over the fact that my nada and I seem

> to do much better when we are not in contact with each other; I wish it were

> different, but I seem to irritate the crap out of nada; she feels very

> disappointed in me, feels the need to attack, denigrate, shame and hurt me,

> and I just can't handle that any more. Walking on eggshells around nada

> irritated the crap out of me (or made me want to drug myself into oblivion)

> when I was in contact with her, and more recently just hearing her voice on

> the phone started making me physically ill. But now that my nada has

> Alzheimer's, I do feel pity for her and I'm struggling with feeling a desire

> to resume contact out of simple humanitarian compassion if nothing else. So

> far, it feels like this tragic conundrum will never resolve itself, so I

> feel for you.

>

> So, as Doug often says, be gentle with yourself, and let yourself feel the

> feelings of grief and yearning even though they are unpleasant. Perhaps

> bring this up with your therapist who might have an entirely different take

> on things, and have other possible causes for your sadness for you to

> consider and various ways to handle it.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

> >

> > I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting

> set to move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come

> to visit and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

> > My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting.

> I have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling

> relationship. I even have a couple close friends.

> >

> > I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get

> out of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic

> events in the past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my

> work. Now, when nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

> > I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past

> week just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I

> always sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I

> eat nothing but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage

> yesterday and had a hard time letting go of all the things I was worried

> about to even enjoy it!

> >

> > Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the

> wonderful feedback.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I wrote a reply to this earlier...looks like yahoo ate it. Hate when that

happens. I'll try again, and if it ends up posting both of them, forgive the

duplication.

When I read this passage here:

" During all the traumatic events in the past, I've functioned, even excelled, at

school and at my work. Now, when nothing seems to be happening, I'm just

floundering.

> I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past week

just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. "

....I thought: Hmm. Sounds like maybe clefairy is so accustomed to surviving that

she doesn't know how to live. I don't know whether that is the case or if the

idea resonates with you at all, but I think it's a really common problem for us

KOs. We get used to being a part of our FOO's dysfunction and drama, and when we

step away and things are quiet, we have kind of an identity crisis. We're used

to rescuing, mind-reading, diplomatically smoothing-over and going-between,

listening to rants and being the shoulder to cry on. It's like stepping off a

boat and trying to get used to walking on solid ground; we're so used to the

bobbing and the shaking that it feels really unsettling for a while, even though

it's much more stable.

The other possibility I thought of is that perhaps you've internalized a message

from your mother that you don't deserve to be happy and that you shouldn't exist

apart from her. If that's the case, your T will be able to help you identify

that thinking and work to change it (same with the possibility above--I'm glad

you have reached out to a T for support).

I wish you the best,

Sveta

[Guest guest]

Hi Clefairy,

I am not an expert, but I am wondering if you are going through a normal

transition period of drama withdrawral compounded by mourning the loss of

communication with your nada since you have been NC for 6 months. Also, the

pending loss of opportunity to have a better relationship with her once she

moves across the country.

Just because being NC is healthier for you doesn't mean it is easy. I mourn the

loss of my nada every day. Never thought I would feel like I do about my own foo

and have times where I deeply miss how it used to feel - before I saw things for

what they were. It is a deep loss that only we can appreciate and we will never

meet, we comfort one another via a posting board. It is tough.

I think having her pending move ahead must be bringing mixed feelings, some

very sad. Then there is the question we all have to deal with, what now? So now

your dramatic and difficult nada is not communicating with you - there is a void

and an adjustment to be made. She, as difficult as she is, is a part of your

life story.

I think it is a very good thing that you are back in T so you have a

professional to talk with to help you at this difficult time. Perhaps you can

start a new hobby or persue something you have been putting off to make you feel

more whole. I started beginning yoga with my DH and we are finding it very

helpful physically, spiritually and emotionally. Fills us back up instead of

draining us.

>

> I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

>

> I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set to

move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to visit

and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

> My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I

have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship. I

even have a couple close friends.

>

> I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get out

of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic events in the

past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work. Now, when

nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

> I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past week

just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I eat nothing

but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage yesterday and had a hard

time letting go of all the things I was worried about to even enjoy it!

>

> Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

feedback.

>

[Guest guest]

I definitely think that anti depressants serve their purpose, but for me I felt

it numbed the pain and I didn't work through the underlying issues causing the

depression. I stopped therapy shortly after I started them and took them for

about 6 months. Felt ok but numb which I didn't like. I didn't even feel able

to talk about my problems. I couldn't identify with my feelings, happy or sad.

I have started going back to therapy and recently have made a lot of progress

(including understanding that both of my parents have personality disorders and

identifying what exactly I need to work through). My therapist suggested

thinking about taking drugs again. I am sure I'm depressed, more low level, but

I don't think it's necessary for me. Everyone is different though...as I said I

think they can help people work through things, as long as you still feel enough

of it to work through it. It's really hard to face this stuff. I'm realizing

that I have to parent myself and accept the reality of my family for what they

are. That isn't easy to do when they are so awful.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

> >

> > I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting set

> > to move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come to

> > visit and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

> > My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting. I

> > have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling relationship.

> > I even have a couple close friends.

> >

> > I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get

> > out of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic

> > events in the past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my

> > work. Now, when nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

> > I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past

> > week just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I

> > always sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I

> > eat nothing but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage

> > yesterday and had a hard time letting go of all the things I was worried

> > about to even enjoy it!

> >

> > Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

> > feedback.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I'm sorry to hear of your depression. I, too, have been suffering with it

for a long time. My church is actually having a class on " Overcoming

Depression " starting this Sunday (8 week class), and I'm looking forward to

getting help. Been down the therapy and antidepressant road so many times in

my life, and depression always surfaces again.

Laurie

In a message dated 10/18/2011 3:10:16 P.M. Eastern Daylight Time,

scbatty@... writes:

I'd recommend seeing a dr, depression that serious needs more help than any

of us can give you and there might even be an underlying medical

condition. And ask for help from your friends. I was always the one who

everyone

turned to and when my divorce happened I had to let others help me and you

know what, they wanted to. I'm sure you're friends would love to help you

if they knew.

________________________________

From: clefairy_looking_for_moonstone

<_clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@..._

(mailto:clefairy_looking_for_moonstone@...) >

To: _WTOAdultChildren1 _

(mailto:WTOAdultChildren1 )

Sent: Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:02 PM

Subject: What I'm having a lot of trouble with

I've been feeling really stuck lately and I would love some feedback.

I'm NC w/ Nada. I haven't seen her in almost 6months and she is getting

set to move across the country. It's unlikely she'll ever have money to come

to visit and even less likely that I'll go visit her.

My life is pretty good. I'm taking tough classes that I find interesting.

I have 2 jobs that I enjoy doing. I have a healthy, fullfilling

relationship. I even have a couple close friends.

I'm struggling with depression though. I have days where I can't even get

out of bed. I've never been like this before. During all the traumatic

events in the past, I've functioned, even excelled, at school and at my work.

Now, when nothing seems to be happening, I'm just floundering.

I've started T again, and so far it's been helpful. I've spent the past

week just trying to do things to take care of myself and I feel like I always

sabotage it. If I exercise, I don't get enough sleep. If I sleep, I eat

nothing but junk food. It's really frustrating. I got a massage yesterday and

had a hard time letting go of all the things I was worried about to even

enjoy it!

Thanks for letting me open up and I really appreciate all of the wonderful

feedback.

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed]