Diagnosis: Extremely High Functioning

[Guest guest]

So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second time too

right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to synchronized

anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other with

our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a good

part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the middle

of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even bother

stuffing it away in the closet.

Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get frustrated

with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are extremely

high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before. " People just

aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the time -

because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I started

carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was the

woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by 1st

grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught piano,

was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally and

ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking week,

as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding dogs and

helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic to

horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and using

social skills to get help where needed).

God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these skills!

Freak!!!

No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life like

holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want to do

somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other things we

do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man on my

BACK!

Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a garbage

disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts like -

we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our dogs will

be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of dog

food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I promise!

(by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our battles at

home).

Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if your

partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know why I

ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break down

Actually, there's an idea. . .

[Guest guest]

so what did your boyfriend think of your T's assessment of you and how does he

feel about changing? Not that it has to happen all at once of course...

you remind me of my sister in law. She was the oldest of 5 kids, and her mother

would leave her home alone for hours to care for all the kids while she (the

mom) went shopping, to work at night, etc). I think the dad drank too much to

be fit to care for them.

When my sister in law told me this, it helped me understand her more. She, like

you, is very high functioning. She's " the man " in the house. My brother in law

really doesn't know how to do half of what she does.

>

> So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second time too

> right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to synchronized

> anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other with

> our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a good

> part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the middle

> of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even bother

> stuffing it away in the closet.

>

> Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get frustrated

> with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are extremely

> high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

>

> And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before. " People just

> aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

>

> The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the time -

> because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I started

> carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was the

> woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by 1st

> grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught piano,

> was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally and

> ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking week,

> as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding dogs and

> helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic to

> horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and using

> social skills to get help where needed).

>

> God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these skills!

> Freak!!!

>

> No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life like

> holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want to do

> somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other things we

> do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man on my

> BACK!

>

> Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

>

> And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a garbage

> disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts like -

> we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our dogs will

> be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of dog

> food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I promise!

> (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our battles at

> home).

>

> Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if your

> partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

>

> Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know why I

> ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break down

> Actually, there's an idea. . .

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thumb's up! It sounds like your therapist thinks you are ready to " graduate. "

And, I've heard and read that its pretty common in relationships, when one of

the partners undergoes a great change, such as deciding to quit drinking (but

the other partner does not want to stop drinking), or deciding to lose weight

and get healthier (and the other partner isn't interested in a radical lifestyle

change) , or deciding to go back to school and get a degree, or when one partner

develops a chronic illness or an injury due to an accident... that the other

partner isn't prepared to deal with a great change in their SO whether the

change is a positive or a negative one. It takes time to adapt, and sometimes

the partner of the " changer " isn't able or willing to adapt.

That sounds encouraging that your partner is willing to go to therapy, so,

hopefully the two of you can re-adust to each other and grow in your

relationship, if that's what you both want.

-Annie

>

> So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second time too

> right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to synchronized

> anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other with

> our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a good

> part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the middle

> of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even bother

> stuffing it away in the closet.

>

> Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get frustrated

> with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are extremely

> high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

>

> And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before. " People just

> aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

>

> The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the time -

> because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I started

> carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was the

> woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by 1st

> grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught piano,

> was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally and

> ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking week,

> as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding dogs and

> helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic to

> horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and using

> social skills to get help where needed).

>

> God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these skills!

> Freak!!!

>

> No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life like

> holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want to do

> somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other things we

> do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man on my

> BACK!

>

> Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

>

> And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a garbage

> disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts like -

> we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our dogs will

> be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of dog

> food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I promise!

> (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our battles at

> home).

>

> Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if your

> partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

>

> Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know why I

> ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break down

> Actually, there's an idea. . .

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when there is a

mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get *cleanser* out

and clean it.

What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make anyone

do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

This solution is frowned upon.

So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

lifetime role as a MAID...

--LL.

[Guest guest]

HAAAAAA

I know, it is MEN

But the thing is, the men who raised me weren't like this. I mean, they were

still men and missed a lot of details and got shit done with very little

style and sensitivity, but they did it. They cooked, cleaned, went to the

pharmacy, drove carpool, planned menus, shingled roofs, bought vitamins,

shared life lessons, told ghost stories, made a party out of taking the

trash to the dump and drove big ass trucks.

I'm just not accustomed to the reality that women DO run the world. The

world I am from barely even had any women in it. . .

Does that make sense? My dad did it all, he was super dad. Parent teacher

conference, pediatrician visits, caring for his aging parents, family

parties, Christmas dinner, yard work, homework help, school clothes, college

applications, term papers, career advice, friendship advice, curfews. My dad

did it ALL.

Hey, maybe he had an X chromosome after all? Maybe he is a genetic mutant?

I just don't quite know how to understand this world - it bears no

reflection on my childhood experiences.

Fuck, sometimes I just miss my dad. I miss him, codependent enabler and all.

Let me correct that - I miss both my dads. I miss them both, the girly

brokeback mountain men that they are

> **

>

>

> I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

>

> I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when there

> is a mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get

> *cleanser* out and clean it.

>

> What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

>

> The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make

> anyone do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

>

> This solution is frowned upon.

>

> So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

> lifetime role as a MAID...

>

> --LL.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Re: guys not doing their share of the housework:

When my son was a toddler, we were having a terrible time getting him potty

trained. Finally his daycare teacher asked if we were using those disposable

" pullups " - and yes, we were trying EVERYTHING to get him to be a big boy and

go potty in the bathroom - encouragement! praise! special books about using

the potty! We really thought there was something seriously wrong with him.

The teacher said, " Look. He makes a mess and you clean it up. Put him in cloth

underwear this weekend, and when he messes himself, wait a bit before you clean

him up. Let him experience the discomfort. "

It took a day and a half.

The little snot knew how to get up and go to the bathroom all along - but when

Mama is there with the wipes, why should he change his pattern of behavior?

I'm just sayin' - maybe we bring some of this on ourselves.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

> >

> > I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when there

> > is a mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get

> > *cleanser* out and clean it.

> >

> > What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

> >

> > The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make

> > anyone do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

> >

> > This solution is frowned upon.

> >

> > So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

> > lifetime role as a MAID...

> >

> > --LL.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

I think my husband is an anomaly because he vacuums, dusts, cleans the toilets,

changes the garbage bags, frames photos and hangs them, stuff like that.

With our kids, yes, I have always been in charge of most diaper changes,

feedings, school stuff, and now, homework, after school things, but he's very

clean!

I'm not a slob, but i'm definitely not as neat as he is!

>

> I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

>

> I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when there is

a mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get *cleanser* out

and clean it.

>

> What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

>

> The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make

anyone do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

>

> This solution is frowned upon.

>

> So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

lifetime role as a MAID...

>

> --LL.

>

[Guest guest]

, that's such a funny story!! Your son knew the jig was up! lol!!

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

> > >

> > > I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when

there

> > > is a mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get

> > > *cleanser* out and clean it.

> > >

> > > What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

> > >

> > > The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make

> > > anyone do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

> > >

> > > This solution is frowned upon.

> > >

> > > So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

> > > lifetime role as a MAID...

> > >

> > > --LL.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

This summer, I got fed up. I was SO siok of dealing with aunt and cousin,

trying to exercise and eat right, going to work, and having to do all the bill

paying and the housework, too. I just quit, and went to the beach instead.

This place looked like a PIGSTY. He barely even noticed.

Then he got a brain tumor and I couldn't have a cancer patient living in this

mess, so I ended up doing it all myself anyway.

When they don't want to do something, they're not going to do it. Period.

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > I hate to tell you this, girlscout, but this is MEN.

> > >

> > > I never knew one who would *actually get out the vacuum cleaner* when

there

> > > is a mess on the carpet, or notice that the toilet was yukky and get

> > > *cleanser* out and clean it.

> > >

> > > What is wrong with these men? Why are we supposed to do everything??

> > >

> > > The sad thing is that by doing nothing, THEY WIN, because you can't make

> > > anyone do anything unless you have a loaded shotgun.

> > >

> > > This solution is frowned upon.

> > >

> > > So, you can't seem to have a male partner without also being forced into a

> > > lifetime role as a MAID...

> > >

> > > --LL.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

OMG Fi, you know what, being " the man of the house " is exactly what i've

been trying to communicate but I haven't had the words. Thank you!!!

Not only am I the man of my house now, and in many ways I was the man as a

kid, but I am THE MAN in my department at work. It gets old, waif boss is a

waify little woman and then my coworker is a complete pansy of a guy. Sure

he'll carry heavy things once in a while, but he usually says things like " I

have stumpy arms, Girlscout, i'll never be able to reach all the way around

that box. " (I have extremly long arms ha ha its really dorky) It gets old.

And maybe because I'm the man at work, I don't always want to be the man at

home too.

Boyfriend knows he needs to step up. he wants me to appreciate him more (but

eff, if he cleans a toilet once a month without being asked I'm supposed to

applaud??? I'm sorry but that is REALLY hard to do when you do it at least

every week). he is actually doing a lot more. I asked him to be more

aggressive with his career, and that has been hard because he just wants me

to CELEBRATE every freaking little brush stroke. I'm like, sorry hon but you

make 3 new drawings a week, if you called a freaking art gallery that you

haven't already known since you were 17, then I would celebrate. But sitting

here, drawing, and never showing does not get me excited!!! My T explained

it as saying - " sounds like he is bringing you drawing after drawing like my

2 year old brings me her drawings. And you can't keep them all, and its hard

to get excited about every scribble. " Yes it is!

So anyway, he knows he can do better. I also think he realizes he chose me

as a partner because he knew I would PUSH him. And he is slowly starting to

step up and do it. He is a sweetie, he just is also very happy to sit and

wait for me to tell him what to do, or better yet, do it for him.

So last week on Thursday, he actually found a recipe and PREPARED it! He

only texted me 3 times to ask where we keep the salt, hot sauce etc etc etc.

Of course by then I knew what he was making. He was VERY VERY proud. He even

went to the store- which I found a little irritating because he could have

picked up the things we both need for the week if he had planned, but then I

know expecting that would be like expecting him to part the seas, so one

meal a week, I'll take it!!!

It's really hard right now because I'm prepping to take the GRE, and I need

him not to constantly be distracting me with inane quesitons, like where is

the pasta pot, Eff honey its exactly where we have kept it for 6 years. Too

bad you never cared before. . .

> **

>

>

> so what did your boyfriend think of your T's assessment of you and how does

> he feel about changing? Not that it has to happen all at once of course...

>

> you remind me of my sister in law. She was the oldest of 5 kids, and her

> mother would leave her home alone for hours to care for all the kids while

> she (the mom) went shopping, to work at night, etc). I think the dad drank

> too much to be fit to care for them.

>

> When my sister in law told me this, it helped me understand her more. She,

> like you, is very high functioning. She's " the man " in the house. My brother

> in law really doesn't know how to do half of what she does.

>

>

>

> >

> > So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second time

> too

> > right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to

> synchronized

> > anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other

> with

> > our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a good

> > part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the

> middle

> > of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even bother

> > stuffing it away in the closet.

> >

> > Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get

> frustrated

> > with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are extremely

> > high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

> >

> > And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before. " People

> just

> > aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

> >

> > The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the

> time -

> > because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I

> started

> > carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was the

> > woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by 1st

> > grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught piano,

> > was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally and

> > ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking

> week,

> > as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding dogs

> and

> > helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic to

> > horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and using

> > social skills to get help where needed).

> >

> > God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these

> skills!

> > Freak!!!

> >

> > No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life like

> > holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want to do

> > somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other things

> we

> > do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man on my

> > BACK!

> >

> > Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

> >

> > And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a garbage

> > disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts like

> -

> > we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our dogs

> will

> > be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of dog

> > food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I promise!

> > (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our battles

> at

> > home).

> >

> > Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if your

> > partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> > interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

> >

> > Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know why I

> > ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break

> down

> > Actually, there's an idea. . .

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

" My T explained

it as saying - " sounds like he is bringing you drawing after drawing like my

2 year old brings me her drawings. And you can't keep them all, and its hard

to get excited about every scribble. " Yes it is! "

That's what I was thinking, too. He sounds a bit like my 7 year old, always so

eager for me to see her accomplishments. He sounds super eager for your

approval. And he also sounds like a good guy (but you knew that!).

> > >

> > > So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second time

> > too

> > > right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to

> > synchronized

> > > anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other

> > with

> > > our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a good

> > > part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the

> > middle

> > > of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even bother

> > > stuffing it away in the closet.

> > >

> > > Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get

> > frustrated

> > > with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are extremely

> > > high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

> > >

> > > And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before. " People

> > just

> > > aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

> > >

> > > The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the

> > time -

> > > because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I

> > started

> > > carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was the

> > > woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by 1st

> > > grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught piano,

> > > was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally and

> > > ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking

> > week,

> > > as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding dogs

> > and

> > > helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic to

> > > horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and using

> > > social skills to get help where needed).

> > >

> > > God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these

> > skills!

> > > Freak!!!

> > >

> > > No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life like

> > > holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want to do

> > > somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other things

> > we

> > > do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man on my

> > > BACK!

> > >

> > > Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

> > >

> > > And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a garbage

> > > disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts like

> > -

> > > we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our dogs

> > will

> > > be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of dog

> > > food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I promise!

> > > (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our battles

> > at

> > > home).

> > >

> > > Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if your

> > > partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> > > interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

> > >

> > > Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know why I

> > > ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break

> > down

> > > Actually, there's an idea. . .

> > >

> > >

> > >

[Guest guest]

He is a good guy, and my T and I actually talked about how he probably

didn't get enough exclamations over his drawings when he was a kid. But I

don't want to be the mommy all the time!!!! Anyway, I think she is working

with him on that.

> **

>

>

> " My T explained

> it as saying - " sounds like he is bringing you drawing after drawing like

> my

> 2 year old brings me her drawings. And you can't keep them all, and its

> hard

> to get excited about every scribble. " Yes it is! "

>

> That's what I was thinking, too. He sounds a bit like my 7 year old, always

> so eager for me to see her accomplishments. He sounds super eager for your

> approval. And he also sounds like a good guy (but you knew that!).

>

>

>

> > > >

> > > > So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second

> time

> > > too

> > > > right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to

> > > synchronized

> > > > anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other

> > > with

> > > > our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a

> good

> > > > part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the

> > > middle

> > > > of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even

> bother

> > > > stuffing it away in the closet.

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get

> > > frustrated

> > > > with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are

> extremely

> > > > high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

> > > >

> > > > And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before.

> " People

> > > just

> > > > aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

> > > >

> > > > The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the

> > > time -

> > > > because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I

> > > started

> > > > carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was

> the

> > > > woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by

> 1st

> > > > grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught

> piano,

> > > > was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally

> and

> > > > ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking

> > > week,

> > > > as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding

> dogs

> > > and

> > > > helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic

> to

> > > > horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and

> using

> > > > social skills to get help where needed).

> > > >

> > > > God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these

> > > skills!

> > > > Freak!!!

> > > >

> > > > No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life

> like

> > > > holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want

> to do

> > > > somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other

> things

> > > we

> > > > do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man

> on my

> > > > BACK!

> > > >

> > > > Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

> > > >

> > > > And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a

> garbage

> > > > disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts

> like

> > > -

> > > > we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our

> dogs

> > > will

> > > > be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of

> dog

> > > > food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I

> promise!

> > > > (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our

> battles

> > > at

> > > > home).

> > > >

> > > > Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if

> your

> > > > partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> > > > interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

> > > >

> > > > Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know

> why I

> > > > ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break

> > > down

> > > > Actually, there's an idea. . .

> > > >

> > > >

> > > >

[Guest guest]

Yeah! That must be tiring. It's one thing to give constant validation to a child

(and that can get tiring as well, but I do it and it's so hard b/c it's frequent

and my train of thought is constantly interrupted. I swear I'm not going to have

any short term memory left in a few years!).

But with an adult, it's got to be doubly tiring. My brother's a bit like that.

If he does something for my mother, he will mention it about 3-6 times in a

visit or conversation, to both me and my mother. It's obvious he wants

validation and I do give it to him, but it's an unquenchable thirst for him to

be noticed. Like when he dedicated his first film to my parents, who never, ever

encouraged his artistic side--actually, they mocked it and DIScouraged it--and

my mother doesn't give a rat's ass about his films. That dedication, " To Mom and

Pop, " was a scream to be loved, noticed, appreciated, praised. Sigh. it's

really sad.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like my brother. I think my brother is

on the far end of the spectrum and I wish he would get help. But I can

understand how you feel.

> > > > >

> > > > > So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the second

> > time

> > > > too

> > > > > right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to

> > > > synchronized

> > > > > anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each other

> > > > with

> > > > > our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up a

> > good

> > > > > part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in the

> > > > middle

> > > > > of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't even

> > bother

> > > > > stuffing it away in the closet.

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get

> > > > frustrated

> > > > > with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are

> > extremely

> > > > > high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

> > > > >

> > > > > And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before.

> > " People

> > > > just

> > > > > aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just don't. "

> > > > >

> > > > > The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of the

> > > > time -

> > > > > because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean - I

> > > > started

> > > > > carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I was

> > the

> > > > > woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler) by

> > 1st

> > > > > grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I taught

> > piano,

> > > > > was an honor student, held a job, played music semi-professionally

> > and

> > > > > ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every freaking

> > > > week,

> > > > > as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while breeding

> > dogs

> > > > and

> > > > > helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very allergic

> > to

> > > > > horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills and

> > using

> > > > > social skills to get help where needed).

> > > > >

> > > > > God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all these

> > > > skills!

> > > > > Freak!!!

> > > > >

> > > > > No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain life

> > like

> > > > > holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I want

> > to do

> > > > > somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have other

> > things

> > > > we

> > > > > do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb man

> > on my

> > > > > BACK!

> > > > >

> > > > > Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

> > > > >

> > > > > And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a

> > garbage

> > > > > disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together facts

> > like

> > > > -

> > > > > we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our

> > dogs

> > > > will

> > > > > be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT KIND of

> > dog

> > > > > food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I

> > promise!

> > > > > (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our

> > battles

> > > > at

> > > > > home).

> > > > >

> > > > > Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine if

> > your

> > > > > partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof. Well,

> > > > > interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

> > > > >

> > > > > Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't know

> > why I

> > > > > ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just break

> > > > down

> > > > > Actually, there's an idea. . .

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > > >

[Guest guest]

Yep Fiona, you get it! Thank you!

So we have been working on dividing chores a little more equally. You should

see him if he does something that I do 7 days a week - like making a modest

meal (which he has done once) or learning to use the bread machine (its

computerized - how could anyone who uses computers NOT understand it? Oh

yeah, measuring a cup of flour - there's the rub) - I praise him but its

just never ever ever enough

And then if I say something - say 4 days later - like, lets not get another

winter squash, seeing as how we eat it every single day I'm a little sick of

it. And he says " WHAT but I made you squash 4 days ago? You didn't LIKE IT? "

Even though I not only praised him, but cleaned the kitchen after and made

social media posts about how good it was. I'm not allowed to be sick of it

4 days later. . . .

Anyway, yeah, I mean, I know that every human has a child inside of them -

but how long can I maintain this level of praise? HA HA HA

And then, I'm trying to get him to take some steps professionally toward

bigger things - we have done EVERYTHING locally and he needs to spread his

work outside of the little tiny city we live in. But if I don't praise him

up one side and down the other for applying to a show that isn't even

important goal-wise, he gets super sad. I bet I've said " The definition of

insanity is doing the same things over and over and over and expecting

different results " 500 times in the last 2 weeks.

Well, it is a bit better, but it is gonna be hard while we readjust our

family life to my decreasing levels of codependence. . . .

> **

>

>

> Yeah! That must be tiring. It's one thing to give constant validation to a

> child (and that can get tiring as well, but I do it and it's so hard b/c

> it's frequent and my train of thought is constantly interrupted. I swear I'm

> not going to have any short term memory left in a few years!).

>

> But with an adult, it's got to be doubly tiring. My brother's a bit like

> that. If he does something for my mother, he will mention it about 3-6 times

> in a visit or conversation, to both me and my mother. It's obvious he wants

> validation and I do give it to him, but it's an unquenchable thirst for him

> to be noticed. Like when he dedicated his first film to my parents, who

> nevtion, " To Mom and Pop, " was a scream to be loved, noticed, appreciated,

> praised. Sigh. it's really sad.

>

> I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like my brother. I think my

> brother is on the far end of the spectrum and I wish he would get help. But

> I can understand how you feel.

>

>

>

> > > > > >

> > > > > > So I saw my beloved T today. My honey saw her today for the

> second

> > > time

> > > > > too

> > > > > > right after me. I asked him to go because we just don't seem to

> > > > > synchronized

> > > > > > anymore. I think before I started therapy, we complimented each

> other

> > > > > with

> > > > > > our issues and baggage. Now, he bugs me because I have cleaned up

> a

> > > good

> > > > > > part of my baggage, and he is just plopping his baggage down in

> the

> > > > > middle

> > > > > > of the living room floor for us both to trip over. He doesn't

> even

> > > bother

> > > > > > stuffing it away in the closet.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Anyway, after he saw her last week he came home and said " You get

> > > > > frustrated

> > > > > > with me because I'm not like you. You can do anything. You are

> > > extremely

> > > > > > high functioning. People just AREN " T like that! "

> > > > > >

> > > > > > And then today my T said the same thing. She's said it before.

> > > " People

> > > > > just

> > > > > > aren't like you. They don't do EVERYTHING you do. They just

> don't. "

> > > > > >

> > > > > > The thing is, I DO want to knock everyone's heads together 90% of

> the

> > > > > time -

> > > > > > because I do have a badass skill set. It's not all good - I mean

> - I

> > > > > started

> > > > > > carrying adult responsibilities probably before kindergarten. I

> was

> > > the

> > > > > > woman of the house (while my nada acted like a sniveling toddler)

> by

> > > 1st

> > > > > > grade. In high school, when I finally got over being shy, I

> taught

> > > piano,

> > > > > > was an honor student, held a job, played music

> semi-professionally

> > > and

> > > > > > ENTERTAINED all my dad's friends on backpacking trips every

> freaking

> > > > > week,

> > > > > > as well as 4 wheeled, meal planned and route found, while

> breeding

> > > dogs

> > > > > and

> > > > > > helping with a heard of horses - all the time.(And I'm very

> allergic

> > > to

> > > > > > horses, so this was both a process of developing hygiene skills

> and

> > > using

> > > > > > social skills to get help where needed).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > God! Imagine how much money I could have been earning with all

> these

> > > > > skills!

> > > > > > Freak!!!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > No but seriously, I know I can do everything needed to sustain

> life

> > > like

> > > > > > holding a job and running a household - but I don't want to. I

> want

> > > to do

> > > > > > somethings and have my partner do some things, and then have

> other

> > > things

> > > > > we

> > > > > > do together. Sometimes I feel like I'm dragging around a 250 lb

> man

> > > on my

> > > > > > BACK!

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Just because I CAN do it doesn't mean I WANT to do it.

> > > > > >

> > > > > > And, how do I not snort in someone's face when they can't get a

> > > garbage

> > > > > > disposal fixed with less than 8 months notice or put together

> facts

> > > like

> > > > > -

> > > > > > we need dog food, if we don't get the right brand of dog food our

> > > dogs

> > > > > will

> > > > > > be sick and fart constantly, therefore I will buy THE CORRECT

> KIND of

> > > dog

> > > > > > food on my way home. . . . I will not come home with cat food, I

> > > promise!

> > > > > > (by the way, these are real stories from the front lines of our

> > > battles

> > > > > at

> > > > > > home).

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Anyway, life is too hard. And sometimes I envy lesbians - imagine

> if

> > > your

> > > > > > partner was able to grocery shop, pay bills AND fix the roof.

> Well,

> > > > > > interested callers, I offer all that and more. . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > > Eee gads, I don't know what my point is. I guess I just don't

> know

> > > why I

> > > > > > ALWAYS have to be the high functioning one! Maybe I should just

> break

> > > > > down

> > > > > > Actually, there's an idea. . .

> > > > > >

> > > > > >

> > > > > >