Can I get just a little boost from you guys?

[Guest guest]

So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

[Guest guest]

They're loss, not yours. Surround yourself with true friends, you know the

saying, you can choose your friends not your realitives. I've started being

very open that my nada has bpd and this is the issue etc... A few have actually

listened. Hang in there

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Wednesday, October 19, 2011 12:24 PM

Subject: Can I get just a little boost from you guys?

Â

So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is

unique and that other people aren't responsible for figuring it out, but it

really sucks to feel shunned by family members and to feel that they are

choosing to bow and scrape to her because she is old. The truth is, even at her

advanced age, she is still as mean and manipulative as ever and she still stabs

me in the heart every chance she gets.

[Guest guest]

I always struggle with this too. Like it's not bad enough that you don't have

your parents support like you should, you have to worry that other people are

judging you and not respecting how you choose to handle your life. I have

always been painted as the judgmental, mean one which is very far from how

things actually are. They constantly seek my advice and approval and when I

don't tell them what they want to hear, or I choose to be quiet, they run off

and talk about me behind my back. I know my mom talks to my brother about me

non stop. To the point that he calls me blaming me for her depression (if only

I would be nicer, just give her a call and tell her how much I love her, etc).

It's so annoying.

No one chooses to go no contact with loving, supportive parents. It just

doesn't work that way. It's hard to ignore all the people who don't understand,

but you just have to continue believing in yourself!! You are doing the right

thing:)

>

> So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much - I really appreciate it. Most of the time I do pretty well

with this, but for some reason I've been shaky lately and feel like I have a

target painted on my back. I feel better.

> >

> > So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I also feel this way, and your post made me agitated, because I know the twisted

feeling so well.

I have also started to be very honest to people about my mother. I have always

kept this Borderline heartache to myself...but I now feel like I can be somewhat

honest about my mother to people who don't seem to get it (why a really nice

person like me doesn't go all out for my mother). I don't go into total detail,

because frankly, nobody really wants to hear horrible stuff, and sometimes it

doesn't even sound believable.

But it does make me feel better to at least be honest.

I have to save my own sanity...and I can no longer shoulder this subject by

myself.

My mom's battles with me have never been started by me...and I was never a

willing opponent. This was her fight, and I have had to live with the

aftereffects.

I've decided to let her own her path of destruction...I had nothing to do with

this...and neither have you. If my family members call her and console

her...then so be it. I never get a phonecall from the women in my family. It's

sad, but it is what it is.

Everyone's loss, because I love with my whole heart.

You can be your best family member...care for yourself...and surround yourself

with friends who love and care for you.

Amy

barrycove@...

[Guest guest]

I know how you feel, that stabbing in the heart feeling. It's awful.

I don't have much advice, aside from what you're doing: surround yourself with

people who do get it, maybe talk to a therapist (I really get a great deal out

of that) to get to the heart of why you need for them to know your side of it,

even though they may not care.

Something that Annie once said here really stuck with me, and I remind myself of

it frequently: it's that my mother and my family don't have to " get " it; they

don't need to understand why I feel so hurt and used by her. I have tried to get

her to understand, i have tried to articulate it.

i have tried to express it to my brother as well. Neither of them gets it. It

doesn't mean my pain is any less real.

I know, I'm the family weirdo, too. I'm the freakish one who doesn't attend

family gatherings. It's like attending a PD conference. I can't take all the

bossing around and disrespect for anyone who doesn't talk very loudly. I'm a

quiet person. Right from the start, that made me a stand-out in my family of

loudmouths. My family's always said, " oh she's the quiet one! " like the quiet

Beatle. But they never thought to ask WHY I'm so quiet. Nobody ever asked my

opinion, no one ever said, " wait, Fiona, were you saying something? " So now

that I've chosen to go LC, now they notice I'm not there??

>

> So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

>

[Guest guest]

" I know my mom talks to my brother about me non stop. To the point that he calls

me blaming me for her depression (if only I would be nicer, just give her a call

and tell her how much I love her, etc). It's so annoying. "

Wow - me, too. My brother isn't that upfront about it. He beats around the bush.

I think he knows i might just cut him off, too. Actually, I kind of have, quite

a bit. I love him so much, but he's become an extension of her. He talks like

her and talks about her too much. I need our relationship to become one where

we're not even talking about her.

I realized recently that the only thing that seems to be holding the 2 of us

together is my mother. We used to hang out and bitch about her all the time,

and I thought that was fun! That was all we would talk about! And now when we

get together and he starts talking about her, I change the subject...and have

noticed how boring our relationship is...

But, yeah, when he brings her up, he'll start in with, " oh, Mom is so oooold.

She really needs us right now, blah blah blah.... "

> >

> > So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I read an article once about how dysfunctional families are sometimes organized

like a wolf-pack, in that there is a dominant or alpha wolf, and sometimes a

bonded male/female pair are " alpha " . These are the most dominant, bold,

aggressive individuals, usually larger, and they enforce their leadership status

through sheer muscle; they can inflict more injury and receive less injury in

any altercation.

There is a hierarchy of descending status beneath the alpha pair: a beta wolf, a

gamma wolf, a delta, each with less power and status than the one before, and

finally at the bottom there is the " omega " wolf. ALL the other wolves can pick

on the omega, the lowest-status individual in the pack.

The dysfunctional family is all about maintaining this stasis. The alphas want

to remain alphas as long as possible, and the beta and gamma want to move up in

status. But if the omega wolf finally leaves or dies or is killed, that means

the next-to-the-bottom pack member becomes the omega and they do NOT want that

position.

That could explain why sometimes the scapegoated child or omega wolf child is

badgered to rejoin the dysfunctional family: they *need someone* to have the

lowest status in the pack or one of *them* becomes the one that all the others

pick on.

So, anyway, I can see how that hierarchy of status works in some dysfunctional

families.

-Annie

> >

> > So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing a

little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Its taken a long time, but my Sister and I have a relationship with each other

now that ISN'T all about our nada. Sometimes when we talk with each other, the

subject of nada doesn't even come up! I think I'm just lucky, but I wanted to

share that to give you hope that it may be possible to develop a real friendship

with a sibling based on mutual interests, shared beliefs and goals, etc.,

instead of on just the fact that you share DNA.

Also, I wanted to offer the concept that its OK to establish a boundary about

topics of discussion with a sibling. Its OK to say, " I love you and I

understand that you are concerned about our mother and feel pressured by her to

" fix " things, but I'm not going to discuss our disagreement with you. That is

between mother and me, only. It has nothing to do with you. That topic is off

the table. "

But each of us has to figure out what works for us and what doesn't. Its very

individual and very subjective, as each of our situations is unique.

-Annie

> > >

> > > So - I've been on and off this board for years, and I find myself needing

a little bit of reassurance because I am worrying about what the " rest of the

family " thinks of me. As you all know, a BPD (in my case - my Nada) can

completely pollute your relationships with other family members and this has

been happening to me my whole life. At 89 years old, my Mom is the matriarch of

the family and people are inviting her to every event as the Grand Dame with my

sister (AKA she who can do no wrong). I recently learned that they attended a

big family birthday bash I knew nothing about. Yes, everyone in the family

knows that I am the daughter with the " difficult " relationship with my Mom, but

I'm feeling like people think I am the problem when it's really my nutjob Mom.

Anyway - any advice to help me avoid thinking that I am the talk of the family

and that everyone thinks I'm the source of the problems? I truly understand

that my experience with my Nada is unique and that other people aren't

responsible for figuring it out, but it really sucks to feel shunned by family

members and to feel that they are choosing to bow and scrape to her because she

is old. The truth is, even at her advanced age, she is still as mean and

manipulative as ever and she still stabs me in the heart every chance she gets.

> > >

> >

>