Feeling overwhelmed....

October 20, 2011

So I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately. I feel like I have a very

hard time connecting to other people. I feel like I truly care about people and

want them in my life, but it's like I don't know how to do it. I know there has

been a lot of talk about fleas and how feelings come back. I just can't tell if

this is the low before things get better or if I'm going to be trapped!! To be

honest, I get scared that I have BPD too... although deep down inside I don't

think that I do, it's just like I can't shake some of the feelings. I'm not

mean to people, I don't belittle them, lash out or rage. I just get consumed by

the thoughts in my head and feel like I'm not capable of living in the moment

and enjoying what is in front of me. And I don't want to consume or overwhelm

other people with my problems. I am in therapy and actually feel comfortable

with my therapist and she gives me hope. It is just a very lonely place to be.

October 20, 2011

It seems to me that those of us who were raised in dysfunctional families by

personality-disordered parents are sort of in the same position as a wild animal

that has been raised its whole life in a small enclosure and as an adult has

never seen one of its own kind before. The young adult cheetah or wildebeest

or monkey has no idea how to simply be what it is, a wild animal that is able to

socialize with others of its kind, able to find food, water and shelter for

itself and feel comfortable in its natural, wild environment.

Or, the adult child of the Cluster B parent is sort of like someone raised in an

extremist cult, where members are only allowed to think and speak and act

precisely according to the cult leader's dictates or be labeled anathema,

unclean and banished from the cult.

It takes time to deprogram and acclimate a person who has been raised in an

isolationist, extremist cult, and it takes time to slowly acclimate a wild

animal raised in captivity to its natural environment so it will not just

survive but thrive.

So, be gentle with yourself; you are like a cheetah just learning to fully

stretch and push its muscles outside the confines of a small enclosure; it will

take time to develop the leg and heart muscles to run like the wind, and for the

hunting instinct to develop, and that takes trial and error and learning from

mistakes and trying again. This normalization process is happening for you even

now, and it just takes as long as it takes, at the pace that is your pace.

-Annie

>

> So I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed lately. I feel like I have a

very hard time connecting to other people. I feel like I truly care about people

and want them in my life, but it's like I don't know how to do it. I know there

has been a lot of talk about fleas and how feelings come back. I just can't

tell if this is the low before things get better or if I'm going to be trapped!!

To be honest, I get scared that I have BPD too... although deep down inside I

don't think that I do, it's just like I can't shake some of the feelings. I'm

not mean to people, I don't belittle them, lash out or rage. I just get consumed

by the thoughts in my head and feel like I'm not capable of living in the moment

and enjoying what is in front of me. And I don't want to consume or overwhelm

other people with my problems. I am in therapy and actually feel comfortable

with my therapist and she gives me hope. It is just a very lonely place to be.

>

October 21, 2011

((())), I can relate. At least once a day, I catch myself after having a

conversation with someone, thinking to myself, " I am sooo bad at this! "

If it were a muscle, I 'd say this part of myself was very flabby and atrophied.

I just don't do well with off the cuff conversations. I'm better with one on one

or small group conversations. Even then (in small groups), if the others in the

group are louder or talk faster, I tend to feel left out and just fade away.

You sound a lot like me, like you live in your head a lot, right?. That's me. I

get too over-stimulated at big events and then need time to " reboot. " My

husband is a very, very social person and I refuse to take walks with him at the

park anymore b/c he stops every 4 steps to say hi to someone he knows. For me,

it's too much.

Of course, I don't know you and am not any kind of doctor, but to me, you don't

sound like you have bpd. You sound like this is an area of your life that could

use some structured work. Joining a class or volunteering, stuff to keep you in

contact with others, build up that muscle.

For me, I have to be very intentional about reaching out to people, and not

getting easily offended (which is a huge flea from my mother) when they don't

call me back right away or at all. For my mother, that meant they didn't like

her at all and the friendship was over. I admit that has been at times my

jerk-knee reaction, but lately, I try to respond with grace and persistence.

I keep calling people, I keep reaching out, anything to keep people in my life.

If I think I've been slighted, I don't tuck it away like I used to, I bring it

out in the open and talk about it. I 'm thinking as well of taking a belly

dancing class. Just anything to keep life and joy around, you know? But I know

I have to be intentional about it or I'll end up, as you put it, in that lonely

place. I know that place very well and try to keep a consistent flow of people

and friendship going.

That's fantastic that you're in therapy. I'm sure that will help a great deal.

I am in therapy as well. May we both heal!! Hugs.

Fiona