Re: I just spoke with my nada on the phone

October 21, 2011

Hugs sweetie, Frick (that's what we say instead of you know what around here

ha ha), watching a parent age is hard enough, but watching a parent age who

has treated you like shit, and all the mixed feelings and confused emotions

- well I don't know how we are supposed to do it.

I followed a link in an article posted today about sibling relationships

when a shitty parent gets old, it was great. I think you would like it. The

problem is that lack of knowledge isn't our problem. Bearing up, enduring

and surviving, that's our problem.

You are doing great, Annie. I'm proud of you. Its very very human that you

can feel empathy for that old witch.

On Fri, Oct 21, 2011 at 12:04 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

> My Sister called me to say that she was going to be taking our nada in for

> another psychiatric appointment in a little while, to have nada's meds

> evaluated, and Sister wanted to catch me up on nada's current status. Sister

> said that nada's hallucinations are back and she tries to follow them

> around, and ends up hurting herself to the point of needing stitches. Sister

> says nada's skin is pretty frail now, like tissue paper and she is injured

> by bumps that probably would not have left a bruise earlier in her life.

>

> Nada is apparently still a stubborn person and does not want to use her

> walker, so she ends up falling and hurting herself. Sister told me the

> nursing staff has moved nada back into the Alzheimer's unit during the day

> so they can keep a closer watch on her movements; maybe they can encourage

> nada to use her walker more.

>

> Sister asked me if I would speak with nada on the phone later when Sister

> was driving nada to her appointment, and I said OK. Sister called me back

> about a half-hour later.

>

> The voice I heard was so different from the nada-voice I am used to

> hearing, and even different from the time I visited her and Sister in person

> briefly a little over a year ago.

>

> Nada sounded so whispery and weak, like she wasn't getting enough air. She

> asked me where I am; I said I'm at home working. Nada asked " In... (my

> state)? " I said yes, I'm working at home in my US state. " Nada paused, then

> said, " Good for you. " I couldn't make out her emotional state, but she

> sounded preoccupied. She was; nada's paranoia and need for control had

> surfaced; nada said she could not talk to me because she had to watch

> Sister's driving; Sister was going way too fast, (according to nada.) Nada

> let out a few bleats of " Watch Out! " and " Oh My God! " At least now nada is

> too frail and slow to attempt to grab the steering wheel away from Sister

> (and me,) like she used to .

>

> I reassured nada that Sister is an excellent driver, very safe, and nada

> would be fine. I said I was sorry to hear that nada had had a couple of

> falls and to take care of herself and use her walker more often. Nada said

> OK. Then nada said she needed to go; I told her " I love you " and she said it

> back to me.

>

> So.... wow. I feel good that I was able to talk to nada, and that nada was

> being about as pleasant and positive as its possible for her to be. I felt

> sorry for Sister, who seemed to be taking nada's paranoia, fearfulness and

> controlling behaviors in stride. I think my Sister is a living saint.

>

> So, I thought I'd share that with you guys. I just was NOT able to make

> myself call nada on my own, but I was able to speak with her for my Sister's

> sake, because Sister wanted me to. And I do feel pity for nada who seems to

> be fading away rather rapidly now. At least nada's hallucinations are mostly

> happy ones, according to Sister.

>

> And so far, I don't feel like I'm going to have an attack of Meniere's

> Disease-like symptoms this time (just a slight headache is developing and a

> little ear-ringing, but not a lot) probably because I'm not boiling mad at

> being " ambushed. " I chose to speak to nada, and I do feel pity for her

> frailty and dependence and being so out of touch with reality. So, I guess

> there is hope that my basic humanity and capacity to feel compassion for

> nada has not totally been leached away.

>

> -Annie

>

October 21, 2011

Thanks, GS.

It just occurred to me that this trait of my nada's, her perpetual fear and

mistrust of either Sister or me driving her anywhere, is probably due to

projection.

My nada was a nervous, fearful driver as far back as I can remember, and the car

was also one of her favorite places to go ballistic on us and rage and scream at

us while she drove faster and faster and more erratically. (I remember one

incident from when I was a teen and I truly thought that nada was going to kill

both of us while she was enraged at me and driving like a complete lunatic.

I'd never seen her so enraged while driving, and I had a hysterical breakdown

when we finally did get home.)

From time to time nada would mention that as a teenager she had " been in a car

accident " and " the car had run into a telephone pole " and nada had received a

bad back injury as a result. The details would vary each time she mentioned it,

and when I'd try to pin her down on exactly what had happened and what led up to

it, etc., she would become very vague and sometimes even pissed off. All I can

gather is that nada herself was driving.

My speculation is that nada either panicked over something and caused the

accident or it was a serious suicide attempt. But whatever it was she didn't

want to think about it or entertain even the possibility that she might have

wrecked her family's car and caused her own injury, herself. Whatever... it

left her nervous and anxious about her own driving, and so of course she

projected her own faults and weaknesses and unwanted negative traits onto Sister

and me. Sister is a rock, she's a great driver, and I am no slouch myself.

Yet driving nada anywhere alone could be fraught with very real peril due to

nada's sudden screeching warnings and attempts to grab the steering wheel. Gah!

-Annie

>

> > **

> >

> > My Sister called me to say that she was going to be taking our nada in for

> > another psychiatric appointment in a little while, to have nada's meds

> > evaluated, and Sister wanted to catch me up on nada's current status. Sister

> > said that nada's hallucinations are back and she tries to follow them

> > around, and ends up hurting herself to the point of needing stitches. Sister

> > says nada's skin is pretty frail now, like tissue paper and she is injured

> > by bumps that probably would not have left a bruise earlier in her life.

> >

> > Nada is apparently still a stubborn person and does not want to use her

> > walker, so she ends up falling and hurting herself. Sister told me the

> > nursing staff has moved nada back into the Alzheimer's unit during the day

> > so they can keep a closer watch on her movements; maybe they can encourage

> > nada to use her walker more.

> >

> > Sister asked me if I would speak with nada on the phone later when Sister

> > was driving nada to her appointment, and I said OK. Sister called me back

> > about a half-hour later.

> >

> > The voice I heard was so different from the nada-voice I am used to

> > hearing, and even different from the time I visited her and Sister in person

> > briefly a little over a year ago.

> >

> > Nada sounded so whispery and weak, like she wasn't getting enough air. She

> > asked me where I am; I said I'm at home working. Nada asked " In... (my

> > state)? " I said yes, I'm working at home in my US state. " Nada paused, then

> > said, " Good for you. " I couldn't make out her emotional state, but she

> > sounded preoccupied. She was; nada's paranoia and need for control had

> > surfaced; nada said she could not talk to me because she had to watch

> > Sister's driving; Sister was going way too fast, (according to nada.) Nada

> > let out a few bleats of " Watch Out! " and " Oh My God! " At least now nada is

> > too frail and slow to attempt to grab the steering wheel away from Sister

> > (and me,) like she used to .

> >

> > I reassured nada that Sister is an excellent driver, very safe, and nada

> > would be fine. I said I was sorry to hear that nada had had a couple of

> > falls and to take care of herself and use her walker more often. Nada said

> > OK. Then nada said she needed to go; I told her " I love you " and she said it

> > back to me.

> >

> > So.... wow. I feel good that I was able to talk to nada, and that nada was

> > being about as pleasant and positive as its possible for her to be. I felt

> > sorry for Sister, who seemed to be taking nada's paranoia, fearfulness and

> > controlling behaviors in stride. I think my Sister is a living saint.

> >

> > So, I thought I'd share that with you guys. I just was NOT able to make

> > myself call nada on my own, but I was able to speak with her for my Sister's

> > sake, because Sister wanted me to. And I do feel pity for nada who seems to

> > be fading away rather rapidly now. At least nada's hallucinations are mostly

> > happy ones, according to Sister.

> >

> > And so far, I don't feel like I'm going to have an attack of Meniere's

> > Disease-like symptoms this time (just a slight headache is developing and a

> > little ear-ringing, but not a lot) probably because I'm not boiling mad at

> > being " ambushed. " I chose to speak to nada, and I do feel pity for her

> > frailty and dependence and being so out of touch with reality. So, I guess

> > there is hope that my basic humanity and capacity to feel compassion for

> > nada has not totally been leached away.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

October 21, 2011

<HUGS>

>

> My Sister called me to say that she was going to be taking our nada in for

another psychiatric appointment in a little while, to have nada's meds

evaluated, and Sister wanted to catch me up on nada's current status. Sister

said that nada's hallucinations are back and she tries to follow them around,

and ends up hurting herself to the point of needing stitches. Sister says

nada's skin is pretty frail now, like tissue paper and she is injured by bumps

that probably would not have left a bruise earlier in her life.

>

> Nada is apparently still a stubborn person and does not want to use her

walker, so she ends up falling and hurting herself. Sister told me the nursing

staff has moved nada back into the Alzheimer's unit during the day so they can

keep a closer watch on her movements; maybe they can encourage nada to use her

walker more.

>

> Sister asked me if I would speak with nada on the phone later when Sister was

driving nada to her appointment, and I said OK. Sister called me back about a

half-hour later.

>

> The voice I heard was so different from the nada-voice I am used to hearing,

and even different from the time I visited her and Sister in person briefly a

little over a year ago.

>

> Nada sounded so whispery and weak, like she wasn't getting enough air. She

asked me where I am; I said I'm at home working. Nada asked " In... (my state)? "

I said yes, I'm working at home in my US state. " Nada paused, then said, " Good

for you. " I couldn't make out her emotional state, but she sounded

preoccupied. She was; nada's paranoia and need for control had surfaced; nada

said she could not talk to me because she had to watch Sister's driving; Sister

was going way too fast, (according to nada.) Nada let out a few bleats of

" Watch Out! " and " Oh My God! " At least now nada is too frail and slow to

attempt to grab the steering wheel away from Sister (and me,) like she used to .

>

> I reassured nada that Sister is an excellent driver, very safe, and nada would

be fine. I said I was sorry to hear that nada had had a couple of falls and to

take care of herself and use her walker more often. Nada said OK. Then nada

said she needed to go; I told her " I love you " and she said it back to me.

>

> So.... wow. I feel good that I was able to talk to nada, and that nada was

being about as pleasant and positive as its possible for her to be. I felt

sorry for Sister, who seemed to be taking nada's paranoia, fearfulness and

controlling behaviors in stride. I think my Sister is a living saint.

>

> So, I thought I'd share that with you guys. I just was NOT able to make

myself call nada on my own, but I was able to speak with her for my Sister's

sake, because Sister wanted me to. And I do feel pity for nada who seems to be

fading away rather rapidly now. At least nada's hallucinations are mostly happy

ones, according to Sister.

>

> And so far, I don't feel like I'm going to have an attack of Meniere's

Disease-like symptoms this time (just a slight headache is developing and a

little ear-ringing, but not a lot) probably because I'm not boiling mad at

being " ambushed. " I chose to speak to nada, and I do feel pity for her frailty

and dependence and being so out of touch with reality. So, I guess there is

hope that my basic humanity and capacity to feel compassion for nada has not

totally been leached away.

>

> -Annie

>

October 22, 2011

You may say Frick, gs, and I may say it in front of all you genteel

ladies in the group here, but I m an old sailor so you know how it

sounded in my head.

So, so sorry Annie. No way this passage of life is easy.

Others of us have been in similar passages before you. My heart is with

you even if the rest of me is not.

The emotions are complex, and FOG comes jumping out at us from

everywhere.

Remember, all nada was, and all nada is, is not your fault. You played

the hand you were dealt, and chose the play that would help you be

strong and healty. Don t despise your decisions. You are a good

woman. Your friends are here for you.

Blessings and Major Hugs.

Doug

>

> Hugs sweetie, Frick (that's what we say instead of you know what

around here

> ha ha), watching a parent age is hard enough, but watching a parent

age who

> has treated you like shit, and all the mixed feelings and confused

emotions

> - well I don't know how we are supposed to do it.

>

> I followed a link in an article posted today about sibling

relationships

> when a shitty parent gets old, it was great. I think you would like

it. The

> problem is that lack of knowledge isn't our problem. Bearing up,

enduring

> and surviving, that's our problem.

>

> You are doing great, Annie. I'm proud of you. Its very very human that

you

> can feel empathy for that old witch.

>

> On Fri, Oct 21, 2011 at 12:04 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> > My Sister called me to say that she was going to be taking our nada

in for

> > another psychiatric appointment in a little while, to have nada's

meds

> > evaluated, and Sister wanted to catch me up on nada's current

status. Sister

> > said that nada's hallucinations are back and she tries to follow

them

> > around, and ends up hurting herself to the point of needing

stitches. Sister

> > says nada's skin is pretty frail now, like tissue paper and she is

injured

> > by bumps that probably would not have left a bruise earlier in her

life.

> >

> > Nada is apparently still a stubborn person and does not want to use

her

> > walker, so she ends up falling and hurting herself. Sister told me

the

> > nursing staff has moved nada back into the Alzheimer's unit during

the day

> > so they can keep a closer watch on her movements; maybe they can

encourage

> > nada to use her walker more.

> >

> > Sister asked me if I would speak with nada on the phone later when

Sister

> > was driving nada to her appointment, and I said OK. Sister called me

back

> > about a half-hour later.

> >

> > The voice I heard was so different from the nada-voice I am used to

> > hearing, and even different from the time I visited her and Sister

in person

> > briefly a little over a year ago.

> >

> > Nada sounded so whispery and weak, like she wasn't getting enough

air. She

> > asked me where I am; I said I'm at home working. Nada asked " In...

(my

> > state)? " I said yes, I'm working at home in my US state. " Nada

paused, then

> > said, " Good for you. " I couldn't make out her emotional state, but

she

> > sounded preoccupied. She was; nada's paranoia and need for control

had

> > surfaced; nada said she could not talk to me because she had to

watch

> > Sister's driving; Sister was going way too fast, (according to

nada.) Nada

> > let out a few bleats of " Watch Out! " and " Oh My God! " At least now

nada is

> > too frail and slow to attempt to grab the steering wheel away from

Sister

> > (and me,) like she used to .

> >

> > I reassured nada that Sister is an excellent driver, very safe, and

nada

> > would be fine. I said I was sorry to hear that nada had had a couple

of

> > falls and to take care of herself and use her walker more often.

Nada said

> > OK. Then nada said she needed to go; I told her " I love you " and she

said it

> > back to me.

> >

> > So.... wow. I feel good that I was able to talk to nada, and that

nada was

> > being about as pleasant and positive as its possible for her to be.

I felt

> > sorry for Sister, who seemed to be taking nada's paranoia,

fearfulness and

> > controlling behaviors in stride. I think my Sister is a living

saint.

> >

> > So, I thought I'd share that with you guys. I just was NOT able to

make

> > myself call nada on my own, but I was able to speak with her for my

Sister's

> > sake, because Sister wanted me to. And I do feel pity for nada who

seems to

> > be fading away rather rapidly now. At least nada's hallucinations

are mostly

> > happy ones, according to Sister.

> >

> > And so far, I don't feel like I'm going to have an attack of

Meniere's

> > Disease-like symptoms this time (just a slight headache is

developing and a

> > little ear-ringing, but not a lot) probably because I'm not boiling

mad at

> > being " ambushed. " I chose to speak to nada, and I do feel pity for

her

> > frailty and dependence and being so out of touch with reality. So, I

guess

> > there is hope that my basic humanity and capacity to feel compassion

for

> > nada has not totally been leached away.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

October 23, 2011

i couldn't have said this any better myself.. doug, thank you as always.

love to all , ann

Subject: Re: I just spoke with my nada on the phone

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Date: Saturday, October 22, 2011, 9:32 PM

Â

You may say Frick, gs, and I may say it in front of all you genteel

ladies in the group here, but I m an old sailor so you know how it

sounded in my head.

So, so sorry Annie. No way this passage of life is easy.

Others of us have been in similar passages before you. My heart is with

you even if the rest of me is not.

The emotions are complex, and FOG comes jumping out at us from

everywhere.

Remember, all nada was, and all nada is, is not your fault. You played

the hand you were dealt, and chose the play that would help you be

strong and healty. Don t despise your decisions. You are a good

woman. Your friends are here for you.

Blessings and Major Hugs.

Doug

>

> Hugs sweetie, Frick (that's what we say instead of you know what

around here

> ha ha), watching a parent age is hard enough, but watching a parent

age who

> has treated you like shit, and all the mixed feelings and confused

emotions

> - well I don't know how we are supposed to do it.

>

> I followed a link in an article posted today about sibling

relationships

> when a shitty parent gets old, it was great. I think you would like

it. The

> problem is that lack of knowledge isn't our problem. Bearing up,

enduring

> and surviving, that's our problem.

>

> You are doing great, Annie. I'm proud of you. Its very very human that

you

> can feel empathy for that old witch.

>

> On Fri, Oct 21, 2011 at 12:04 PM, anuria67854 anuria-67854@...wrote:

>

> > **

> >

> > My Sister called me to say that she was going to be taking our nada

in for

> > another psychiatric appointment in a little while, to have nada's

meds

> > evaluated, and Sister wanted to catch me up on nada's current

status. Sister

> > said that nada's hallucinations are back and she tries to follow

them

> > around, and ends up hurting herself to the point of needing

stitches. Sister

> > says nada's skin is pretty frail now, like tissue paper and she is

injured

> > by bumps that probably would not have left a bruise earlier in her

life.

> >

> > Nada is apparently still a stubborn person and does not want to use

her

> > walker, so she ends up falling and hurting herself. Sister told me

the

> > nursing staff has moved nada back into the Alzheimer's unit during

the day

> > so they can keep a closer watch on her movements; maybe they can

encourage

> > nada to use her walker more.

> >

> > Sister asked me if I would speak with nada on the phone later when

Sister

> > was driving nada to her appointment, and I said OK. Sister called me

back

> > about a half-hour later.

> >

> > The voice I heard was so different from the nada-voice I am used to

> > hearing, and even different from the time I visited her and Sister

in person

> > briefly a little over a year ago.

> >

> > Nada sounded so whispery and weak, like she wasn't getting enough

air. She

> > asked me where I am; I said I'm at home working. Nada asked " In...

(my

> > state)? " I said yes, I'm working at home in my US state. " Nada

paused, then

> > said, " Good for you. " I couldn't make out her emotional state, but

she

> > sounded preoccupied. She was; nada's paranoia and need for control

had

> > surfaced; nada said she could not talk to me because she had to

watch

> > Sister's driving; Sister was going way too fast, (according to

nada.) Nada

> > let out a few bleats of " Watch Out! " and " Oh My God! " At least now

nada is

> > too frail and slow to attempt to grab the steering wheel away from

Sister

> > (and me,) like she used to .

> >

> > I reassured nada that Sister is an excellent driver, very safe, and

nada

> > would be fine. I said I was sorry to hear that nada had had a couple

of

> > falls and to take care of herself and use her walker more often.

Nada said

> > OK. Then nada said she needed to go; I told her " I love you " and she

said it

> > back to me.

> >

> > So.... wow. I feel good that I was able to talk to nada, and that

nada was

> > being about as pleasant and positive as its possible for her to be.

I felt

> > sorry for Sister, who seemed to be taking nada's paranoia,

fearfulness and

> > controlling behaviors in stride. I think my Sister is a living

saint.

> >

> > So, I thought I'd share that with you guys. I just was NOT able to

make

> > myself call nada on my own, but I was able to speak with her for my

Sister's

> > sake, because Sister wanted me to. And I do feel pity for nada who

seems to

> > be fading away rather rapidly now. At least nada's hallucinations

are mostly

> > happy ones, according to Sister.

> >

> > And so far, I don't feel like I'm going to have an attack of

Meniere's

> > Disease-like symptoms this time (just a slight headache is

developing and a

> > little ear-ringing, but not a lot) probably because I'm not boiling

mad at

> > being " ambushed. " I chose to speak to nada, and I do feel pity for

her

> > frailty and dependence and being so out of touch with reality. So, I

guess

> > there is hope that my basic humanity and capacity to feel compassion

for

> > nada has not totally been leached away.

> >

> > -Annie

> >

>

October 24, 2011

Annie, I'm glad the conversation went so well. I'm so relieved for you.

I'm really glad she's in an assisted living home, esp since her hallucinations

have returned and she 's harming herself. I have to take a deep breath just at

the thought of having to deal with a situation like that.

Lots of hugs!!

Fiona