Nada: separating my relationship from my sister's

[Guest guest]

I have been off this group for a while. This group saved me many times from

feeling so alone but I needed to take a break. Now i am back because i am fed

up with nada and need some support.

My sister is 11 years youger than me. She is in college now and going through

the exact things i went through with nada and fada when i was in college. HOW

DO THEY NOT LEARN?

I went NC with nada for a while and was very happy. Slowly I reintroduced

contact for my children and because my parents went though some deaths in the

family this year.

My sister calls me often telling me the horrible things they say to her and I

encourage her to ignore it, take a walk, sleep at a friends. It is really

draining on me. I told my husband (and myself) i have to keep my relationship

with them separate from hers.

That was until this morning. My sister left a message on my voicemail crying

hysterically that they were so mean to her and all over stupidity. She wants to

keep her job and they want her to quit. The details dont matter except for the

sidepoint that they have many financial difficulties. They dont teach her

properly about money and I encouraged her to keep the job.

I live across the country from them and I took my kids to visit them last winter

break. We had a great time and I was considering going again this year but I

just cant. I tried to separate but I cant. How can they be so verbally abusive

to a 21 year old girl. I am just so sad for her. She is really stuck there.

I know this is open ended but it feels good to explain to a group who i know

understands. My nada is just so hot and cold. I think I need a major break

from her but she didnt do something specfically to me. I wish i could intervene

for my sister but I'm afraid they will take it out on her.

Sorry for the length. Thanks for listening.

[Guest guest]

Hey Este, no need to apologize for the length of a post, if there is any place

where its OK to just vent, its here.

I agree with you that its OK to set up boundaries with siblings, and decide that

you will limit the amount of time that your sister spends complaining about your

parents, or even take that topic off the table for discussion if its proving to

be too stressful for you.

If you sister is a college student, then very often colleges offer free or

low-cost psychological therapy or counseling for their students. Perhaps

suggest to your sister that she check that out, and get some free or practically

free therapy RE learning how to set up boundaries for herself with your pd

parents.

Maybe you could suggest to your sister to read up about the Cluster B

personality disorders, because the more one understands about these horrible

mental illnesses, the easier it is to take their negative, destructive, selfish,

exploitative behaviors less personally, begin the process of setting normal

adult boundaries with pd parents, and shedding the inappropriate and misplaced

FOG they use to manipulate us. I highly recommend Understanding The Borderline

Mother, and others here have recommended " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , and

Randi's books " SWOE " and " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " have suggestions

and examples about setting reasonable boundaries with pd loved ones.

Maybe suggest that your sister join this Group, as well?

Whatever you choose to do, best of luck to both of you.

-Annie

>

> I have been off this group for a while. This group saved me many times from

feeling so alone but I needed to take a break. Now i am back because i am fed

up with nada and need some support.

>

> My sister is 11 years youger than me. She is in college now and going through

the exact things i went through with nada and fada when i was in college. HOW

DO THEY NOT LEARN?

>

> I went NC with nada for a while and was very happy. Slowly I reintroduced

contact for my children and because my parents went though some deaths in the

family this year.

>

> My sister calls me often telling me the horrible things they say to her and I

encourage her to ignore it, take a walk, sleep at a friends. It is really

draining on me. I told my husband (and myself) i have to keep my relationship

with them separate from hers.

>

> That was until this morning. My sister left a message on my voicemail crying

hysterically that they were so mean to her and all over stupidity. She wants to

keep her job and they want her to quit. The details dont matter except for the

sidepoint that they have many financial difficulties. They dont teach her

properly about money and I encouraged her to keep the job.

>

> I live across the country from them and I took my kids to visit them last

winter break. We had a great time and I was considering going again this year

but I just cant. I tried to separate but I cant. How can they be so verbally

abusive to a 21 year old girl. I am just so sad for her. She is really stuck

there.

>

> I know this is open ended but it feels good to explain to a group who i know

understands. My nada is just so hot and cold. I think I need a major break

from her but she didnt do something specfically to me. I wish i could intervene

for my sister but I'm afraid they will take it out on her.

>

> Sorry for the length. Thanks for listening.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome back and hugs - can your sister move out? Is there anyway you can

support her in NC or LC?

On Tue, Oct 25, 2011 at 8:50 AM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hey Este, no need to apologize for the length of a post, if there is any

> place where its OK to just vent, its here.

>

> I agree with you that its OK to set up boundaries with siblings, and decide

> that you will limit the amount of time that your sister spends complaining

> about your parents, or even take that topic off the table for discussion if

> its proving to be too stressful for you.

>

> If you sister is a college student, then very often colleges offer free or

> low-cost psychological therapy or counseling for their students. Perhaps

> suggest to your sister that she check that out, and get some free or

> practically free therapy RE learning how to set up boundaries for herself

> with your pd parents.

>

> Maybe you could suggest to your sister to read up about the Cluster B

> personality disorders, because the more one understands about these horrible

> mental illnesses, the easier it is to take their negative, destructive,

> selfish, exploitative behaviors less personally, begin the process of

> setting normal adult boundaries with pd parents, and shedding the

> inappropriate and misplaced FOG they use to manipulate us. I highly

> recommend Understanding The Borderline Mother, and others here have

> recommended " Surviving a Borderline Parent " , and Randi's books " SWOE " and

> " The Essential Family Guide to BPD " have suggestions and examples about

> setting reasonable boundaries with pd loved ones.

>

> Maybe suggest that your sister join this Group, as well?

>

> Whatever you choose to do, best of luck to both of you.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I have been off this group for a while. This group saved me many times

> from feeling so alone but I needed to take a break. Now i am back because i

> am fed up with nada and need some support.

> >

> > My sister is 11 years youger than me. She is in college now and going

> through the exact things i went through with nada and fada when i was in

> college. HOW DO THEY NOT LEARN?

> >

> > I went NC with nada for a while and was very happy. Slowly I reintroduced

> contact for my children and because my parents went though some deaths in

> the family this year.

> >

> > My sister calls me often telling me the horrible things they say to her

> and I encourage her to ignore it, take a walk, sleep at a friends. It is

> really draining on me. I told my husband (and myself) i have to keep my

> relationship with them separate from hers.

> >

> > That was until this morning. My sister left a message on my voicemail

> crying hysterically that they were so mean to her and all over stupidity.

> She wants to keep her job and they want her to quit. The details dont matter

> except for the sidepoint that they have many financial difficulties. They

> dont teach her properly about money and I encouraged her to keep the job.

> >

> > I live across the country from them and I took my kids to visit them last

> winter break. We had a great time and I was considering going again this

> year but I just cant. I tried to separate but I cant. How can they be so

> verbally abusive to a 21 year old girl. I am just so sad for her. She is

> really stuck there.

> >

> > I know this is open ended but it feels good to explain to a group who i

> know understands. My nada is just so hot and cold. I think I need a major

> break from her but she didnt do something specfically to me. I wish i could

> intervene for my sister but I'm afraid they will take it out on her.

> >

> > Sorry for the length. Thanks for listening.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thank you so much Annie. I remember your name and that you have helpful to me

before. I am going to talk to my sister about the suggestions you made.

> >

> > I have been off this group for a while. This group saved me many times from

feeling so alone but I needed to take a break. Now i am back because i am fed

up with nada and need some support.

> >

> > My sister is 11 years youger than me. She is in college now and going

through the exact things i went through with nada and fada when i was in

college. HOW DO THEY NOT LEARN?

> >

> > I went NC with nada for a while and was very happy. Slowly I reintroduced

contact for my children and because my parents went though some deaths in the

family this year.

> >

> > My sister calls me often telling me the horrible things they say to her and

I encourage her to ignore it, take a walk, sleep at a friends. It is really

draining on me. I told my husband (and myself) i have to keep my relationship

with them separate from hers.

> >

> > That was until this morning. My sister left a message on my voicemail

crying hysterically that they were so mean to her and all over stupidity. She

wants to keep her job and they want her to quit. The details dont matter except

for the sidepoint that they have many financial difficulties. They dont teach

her properly about money and I encouraged her to keep the job.

> >

> > I live across the country from them and I took my kids to visit them last

winter break. We had a great time and I was considering going again this year

but I just cant. I tried to separate but I cant. How can they be so verbally

abusive to a 21 year old girl. I am just so sad for her. She is really stuck

there.

> >

> > I know this is open ended but it feels good to explain to a group who i know

understands. My nada is just so hot and cold. I think I need a major break

from her but she didnt do something specfically to me. I wish i could intervene

for my sister but I'm afraid they will take it out on her.

> >

> > Sorry for the length. Thanks for listening.

> >

>