Expected to Parent more than just my parents...

[Guest guest]

I just need to vent...

My cousin, who lives just a few miles away from me, just had a very complicated

pregnancy but had a safe birth to a beautiful new son. Her parents have moved in

with her to help her and her husband out with the newborn.

My parents live several states away.

Today, nada called to tell me that I should be calling my cousin DAILY to

check-in and make sure everything is okay. I should be bringing over food every

other day. And no, I shouldn't be doing this just because I want to. I should be

doing this because my cousin's mother has complained that another distant family

member hasn't been helping out. So I should be the one who PROVES that I'll

help, and this way nada won't look bad because her stellar, angelic daughter has

come to the rescue.

I don't mean for this to sound selfish - -I've done tons of things to help out

with the newborn already, and in all honesty I love my cousin's company (and the

baby is adorable!). It's just so triggering for me to have to hear that I should

be helping to please, that I need to fulfill some need that my cousin, her

husband, and her parents can't fulfill on their own.

I just wish my nada could call to tell me " your cousin is really stressed with

the new baby. She'd probably appreciate you stopping by every now and then to

help out. "

But then, these are just wishes...sigh...

Thanks everyone

[Guest guest]

Leave it to a nada to attempt to suck all the genuine, spontaneous joy and sweet

familial feelings you have for your cousin and her folks and the new baby right

out of you by turning your visiting your cousin into some kind of competition,

the goal of which is to make nada look good.

And how typical of a nada to be completely ignorant of (or dismissive of) how

much you already *have* done, of your own volition, out of love for your cousin,

and lecture you as though you've done nothing.

Well, in my book, that's called " being a jerk. "

Wouldn't it be gratifying if we could allow ourselves to just " tell it like it

is " when nada is being a jerk? As in:

" Jeez, mom, is your head completely up inside your ass now? It must be,

otherwise you'd be aware of how much I've already been visiting my Cousin and

her new baby. I happen to like Cousin X and enjoy her company, so next time why

don't you ASK ME about what I've been doing lately before you launch into a

lecture criticizing me over something you are completely ignorant about. And I

don't give a rat's ass if I lose some kind of family one-upmanship competition

for you. This isn't about you, nada. And if you actually do care about Cousin

X (which I doubt), why don't YOU CALL HER and wish her well YOURSELF, you effing

JERK? "

....etc. "

But, see, saying that would make us like them; hateful, superior-sounding,

insulting, denigrating, and contemptuous. I have never spoken to my nada like

that; frankly I was always too afraid of her, and now that she has Alzheimer's

I've lost the opportunity. Calling her a hateful old bitch to her face now

would be like kicking a puppy. I don't do stuff like that.

But I can still fantasize.

I'm not recommending or even suggesting that YOU do this, I'm just drifting into

fantasy-land where its 20 years ago and I somehow had the cojones to fight back

by saying something like that to my nada's face, (and then diving for cover due

to the resulting Mt St. Helen's level rage tantrum that would erupt.)

-Annie

>

> I just need to vent...

>

> My cousin, who lives just a few miles away from me, just had a very

complicated pregnancy but had a safe birth to a beautiful new son. Her parents

have moved in with her to help her and her husband out with the newborn.

>

> My parents live several states away.

>

> Today, nada called to tell me that I should be calling my cousin DAILY to

check-in and make sure everything is okay. I should be bringing over food every

other day. And no, I shouldn't be doing this just because I want to. I should be

doing this because my cousin's mother has complained that another distant family

member hasn't been helping out. So I should be the one who PROVES that I'll

help, and this way nada won't look bad because her stellar, angelic daughter has

come to the rescue.

>

> I don't mean for this to sound selfish - -I've done tons of things to help out

with the newborn already, and in all honesty I love my cousin's company (and the

baby is adorable!). It's just so triggering for me to have to hear that I should

be helping to please, that I need to fulfill some need that my cousin, her

husband, and her parents can't fulfill on their own.

>

> I just wish my nada could call to tell me " your cousin is really stressed with

the new baby. She'd probably appreciate you stopping by every now and then to

help out. "

>

> But then, these are just wishes...sigh...

>

> Thanks everyone

>

[Guest guest]

Grrrr, I get so mad when I hear stuff like this.

It's irritating. Really, what nada is saying is " show affection and attention

NOT b/c you really mean it, but to show someone else up...FOR ME "

I know, I've been there and in your shoes frequently.

When I started reading your post, it reminded me so much of one time when MY

cousin had her 2nd baby. When she had her first, my mother and I made the

obligatory visit and oohed and aahed over her baby. It was nice. My mother has

a weird relationship with this cousin and her mother and I think she feels

inferior to them and that she has to impress them with attention and lavish

gifts.

When cousin had baby #2, I was a full time sales person and simply did not have

time to go to the hospital and repeat my baby #1 performance. If I'm being

honest, I was beginning to realize that **I** did not want a relationship with

this person or her family. That it was being thrust on me by my overbearing

mother, that's why I never went to meet her second child. My mother went and

said cousin was fixated on my absence and where was I and was I coming, etc.

This is also a cousin who has ALWAYS been held over my head that I should strive

to behave like her, be like her, look how SHE got married and had babies right

away, look how decent SHE IS.

And like you said, newlife, it sucks to be pushed and cajoled and guilted into

being with someone. What our nadas are doing is continuing to infantilize us and

ooze their own unfulfilled expectations, etc onto us.

I know how you feel b/c every time you talk to nada, she's going to ask you

about it, as if the Queen herself had another child and you had to present

yourself to her court!

Fiona

>

> I just need to vent...

>

> My cousin, who lives just a few miles away from me, just had a very

complicated pregnancy but had a safe birth to a beautiful new son. Her parents

have moved in with her to help her and her husband out with the newborn.

>

> My parents live several states away.

>

> Today, nada called to tell me that I should be calling my cousin DAILY to

check-in and make sure everything is okay. I should be bringing over food every

other day. And no, I shouldn't be doing this just because I want to. I should be

doing this because my cousin's mother has complained that another distant family

member hasn't been helping out. So I should be the one who PROVES that I'll

help, and this way nada won't look bad because her stellar, angelic daughter has

come to the rescue.

>

> I don't mean for this to sound selfish - -I've done tons of things to help out

with the newborn already, and in all honesty I love my cousin's company (and the

baby is adorable!). It's just so triggering for me to have to hear that I should

be helping to please, that I need to fulfill some need that my cousin, her

husband, and her parents can't fulfill on their own.

>

> I just wish my nada could call to tell me " your cousin is really stressed with

the new baby. She'd probably appreciate you stopping by every now and then to

help out. "

>

> But then, these are just wishes...sigh...

>

> Thanks everyone

>

[Guest guest]

Annie, I love it!!!! That would be fantastic!!

> >

> > I just need to vent...

> >

> > My cousin, who lives just a few miles away from me, just had a very

complicated pregnancy but had a safe birth to a beautiful new son. Her parents

have moved in with her to help her and her husband out with the newborn.

> >

> > My parents live several states away.

> >

> > Today, nada called to tell me that I should be calling my cousin DAILY to

check-in and make sure everything is okay. I should be bringing over food every

other day. And no, I shouldn't be doing this just because I want to. I should be

doing this because my cousin's mother has complained that another distant family

member hasn't been helping out. So I should be the one who PROVES that I'll

help, and this way nada won't look bad because her stellar, angelic daughter has

come to the rescue.

> >

> > I don't mean for this to sound selfish - -I've done tons of things to help

out with the newborn already, and in all honesty I love my cousin's company (and

the baby is adorable!). It's just so triggering for me to have to hear that I

should be helping to please, that I need to fulfill some need that my cousin,

her husband, and her parents can't fulfill on their own.

> >

> > I just wish my nada could call to tell me " your cousin is really stressed

with the new baby. She'd probably appreciate you stopping by every now and then

to help out. "

> >

> > But then, these are just wishes...sigh...

> >

> > Thanks everyone

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You guys are all awesome. Thanks so much. If I told this same story to some of

my friends, I would sound selfish...because from the outside, it seems like I

should be doing more. It's only when you take a microscope and look at the

twisted logic and behaviors going deep down under that it...is scary.

> > >

> > > I just need to vent...

> > >

> > > My cousin, who lives just a few miles away from me, just had a very

complicated pregnancy but had a safe birth to a beautiful new son. Her parents

have moved in with her to help her and her husband out with the newborn.

> > >

> > > My parents live several states away.

> > >

> > > Today, nada called to tell me that I should be calling my cousin DAILY to

check-in and make sure everything is okay. I should be bringing over food every

other day. And no, I shouldn't be doing this just because I want to. I should be

doing this because my cousin's mother has complained that another distant family

member hasn't been helping out. So I should be the one who PROVES that I'll

help, and this way nada won't look bad because her stellar, angelic daughter has

come to the rescue.

> > >

> > > I don't mean for this to sound selfish - -I've done tons of things to help

out with the newborn already, and in all honesty I love my cousin's company (and

the baby is adorable!). It's just so triggering for me to have to hear that I

should be helping to please, that I need to fulfill some need that my cousin,

her husband, and her parents can't fulfill on their own.

> > >

> > > I just wish my nada could call to tell me " your cousin is really stressed

with the new baby. She'd probably appreciate you stopping by every now and then

to help out. "

> > >

> > > But then, these are just wishes...sigh...

> > >

> > > Thanks everyone

> > >

> >

>