Anyone had the courage to divorce their borderline parent?

[Guest guest]

I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think it

would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to go

about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how do you

cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only child, and

my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family members and

friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically continue a

relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in great health

physically either, but I really feel like her disease is choking me to death

(figuratively of course). Really need help from people who have been there done

that. THanks.

[Guest guest]

Hi, and welcome. I was about your age when I went NC (no contact) with my

parents, and let me tell you there is no right way to do it. You just do it, in

whatever way it needs to be done, although the less emotional and matter-of-fact

you are about it, the better. And don't try explaining why you're doing it after

you've made the decision because they'll either try arguing with you or will

twist it around to suit their purposes.

In my case, my mom started making disparaging comments about my children *to

their faces*, and when I tried to call her on her behavior, she started making

fun of me. I simply stood up and left. This was followed by a barrage of voice

mails insinuating that I was being stupid, irrational, mean (?), several

unannounced drop-ins where the door went unanswered, followed by more voice

mails saying how humiliated they were that we didn't open the door when they

dropped by uninvited (did I mention they brought a friend--also uninvited--when

they dropped by?), followed by accusations that my husband was abusing me and

that we both were abusing our children by not letting them see their

grandparents. All I did was defend my kids and refuse to let them harass me

about it, and all I got was a big pile of nastiness. And they wonder why I don't

want to spend time with them? Very little guilt in that regard.

What I do feel in varying degrees is grief and anger, although that is subsiding

with time (just over 4 years now). Both of my parents are older with an

assortment of health problems and when the time comes I'll probably cough up a

little dough so someone else can help them eat and change their clothes, etc. I

have three brothers and sisters who know she's nuts but just roll their eyes

about it, play along and wonder why I can't do the same. It's infuriating. At

present my parents send cards (usually with one or more names misspelled) and

occassionally drop off gifts for the kids, which go to goodwill (the gifts, not

the kids!).

>

> I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think it

would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to go

about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how do you

cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only child, and

my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family members and

friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically continue a

relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in great health

physically either, but I really feel like her disease is choking me to death

(figuratively of course). Really need help from people who have been there done

that. THanks.

>

[Guest guest]

I am new to Oz and reading these posts. I am amazed as I read them as it

feels like somebody else is writing about my life.

I am 41 with an undiagnosed BPD mother. She has been disparaging my husband

for years and then began writing awful things about him in letters and

e-mails. When I tried to defend him she then turned on me and decided to

start writing and saying awful things about me. She then went on to decide

that my husband must be abusing me and my children, otherwise, why would she

be treated in an unwelcome fashion. I went NC (no contact) with her in

February of this year. I explained to her that I needed a " break from the

relationship " after the hurtful things she said about me and my husband. I

am an only child and she has noone in her life she is close with other than

her husband as she has broken all meaningful relaitonships in her life,

including her own mother. I am afraid to allow my children contact with her

as she has such manipulative behavior and she does not respect my wishes. I

feel I must " divorce " from her, but I have such anxiety and guilt over it

that I am having a very difficult time. I am seeing a counselor, but still

finding it hard. Any words of advice...encouragement or simply other

stories out there? It is a relief to know I am not alone!

On Wed, Oct 26, 2011 at 2:22 PM, writermanque wrote:

> **

>

>

> Hi, and welcome. I was about your age when I went NC (no contact) with my

> parents, and let me tell you there is no right way to do it. You just do it,

> in whatever way it needs to be done, although the less emotional and

> matter-of-fact you are about it, the better. And don't try explaining why

> you're doing it after you've made the decision because they'll either try

> arguing with you or will twist it around to suit their purposes.

>

> In my case, my mom started making disparaging comments about my children

> *to their faces*, and when I tried to call her on her behavior, she started

> making fun of me. I simply stood up and left. This was followed by a barrage

> of voice mails insinuating that I was being stupid, irrational, mean (?),

> several unannounced drop-ins where the door went unanswered, followed by

> more voice mails saying how humiliated they were that we didn't open the

> door when they dropped by uninvited (did I mention they brought a

> friend--also uninvited--when they dropped by?), followed by accusations that

> my husband was abusing me and that we both were abusing our children by not

> letting them see their grandparents. All I did was defend my kids and refuse

> to let them harass me about it, and all I got was a big pile of nastiness.

> And they wonder why I don't want to spend time with them? Very little guilt

> in that regard.

>

> What I do feel in varying degrees is grief and anger, although that is

> subsiding with time (just over 4 years now). Both of my parents are older

> with an assortment of health problems and when the time comes I'll probably

> cough up a little dough so someone else can help them eat and change their

> clothes, etc. I have three brothers and sisters who know she's nuts but just

> roll their eyes about it, play along and wonder why I can't do the same.

> It's infuriating. At present my parents send cards (usually with one or more

> names misspelled) and occassionally drop off gifts for the kids, which go to

> goodwill (the gifts, not the kids!).

>

>

> >

> > I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think

> it would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to

> go about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how

> do you cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only

> child, and my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family

> members and friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically

> continue a relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in

> great health physically either, but I really feel like her disease is

> choking me to death (figuratively of course). Really need help from people

> who have been there done that. THanks.

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Whitney - when you come to the " light bulb moment " of realization that your

mother is really, truly mentally ill, and that her illness is making YOU ill and

having deleterious effects on your family as well - that's the biggest hurdle, I

think. Once you know the truth, the rest is just logistics and exercising a new

set of muscles - the ones that let us stand up to the Fear, Obligation, and

Guilt dished out by our BPD parents (the F.O.G.)

It's work, that's for sure - but it's like learning any other new skill. You

practice, and you learn to think through your decisions (am I doing this because

it's right, or because Nada is guilting me into it?) - and eventually those new

muscles just operate smoothly. I don't think it ever stops being an " issue "

that we have crazy parents, but it gets easier to live with the boundaries and

consequences we set up to protect ourselves from our Nadas and Fadas, and we

stop thinking we have to explain ourselves to everybody.

Personally, when my Nada started using her " BPD skill set " on my young son, that

was IT. Nobody messes with my kid. I had stopped most contact with her

(because of her behavior) long before I knew it had a name - BPD. That

explained it, and gave me wonderful resources (SWOE and all the coping

mechanisms and support we find here). It didn't change her behavior - but it

changed my attitude toward the boundaries I'd already erected to protect myself

and my family.

>

> I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think it

would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to go

about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how do you

cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only child, and

my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family members and

friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically continue a

relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in great health

physically either, but I really feel like her disease is choking me to death

(figuratively of course). Really need help from people who have been there done

that. THanks.

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to this board. I am fairly new myself and also have an undiagnosed BP

mother and BP MIL. I am not in any way an expert but I must tell you you cannot

make your BP mom any better and can only take care of you and yours. To save

your family I think you are on the right track of thinking to go NC (no

contact), in a way divorcing your mom. Just imagine a person other than your mom

treating you and your family the way she does, you wouldn't give them a second

of your time or energy or access to your family. Yes she is your mom but she

can only think of things in terms of her and isn't respecting you or your

family. Healthy relationships are based on mutual respect and self

responsibility. If she shows no respect, and actually activly tries to destroy

you and your family relationships, then she doesn't get to be around you and

them. Just my opinion. There are enough forces in this world trying to drain us

and beat us down, we do not need to be fighting that from within our family.

You are not alone and not a bad person or daughter for trying to protect your

family.

> > >

> > > I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think

> > it would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to

> > go about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how

> > do you cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only

> > child, and my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family

> > members and friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically

> > continue a relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in

> > great health physically either, but I really feel like her disease is

> > choking me to death (figuratively of course). Really need help from people

> > who have been there done that. THanks.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

It is indeed a relief to know we're not alone. I have quit contacting my father

and reading these makes me feel all the stronger and better for having done so.

It's not a matter of empathy as my shrink thinks, in fact I feel very sorry for

the guy. I get the impression that he had very little love when he was growing

up and I feel bad that neither I nor anyone else can show him love without him

attacking us and driving us away.

My father devoted his life to attacking me and using me as an excuse for why he

was a failure. He wasn't even that much of a failure - by some lights he can be

said to have been a reasonably sucessful adventurer, in that he has suceeded in

travelling far and wide, doing all kinds of interesting things and hasn't come

to a sticky end while he was at it - but no. he could never let himself enjoy

his triumphs, and when he felt bad, it had to be my fault, somehow.

The diagnosis part was the hardest - when I realised that he had BPD I cried,

you see for years I had him down as a stone cold psycho, but he's obviously more

complex than that, if no less dangerous.

That's my own metric - he didn't used to particularly make me feel bad (apart

from when he was raging and abusive obviously), so much as he projects an aura

of danger, you get the sense that he has no limits and one of us could easily

end up dead. He provokes every bit as much anger as he feels and one of these

days I might well have gone postal on him after all the stuff he pulled.

Still being on the recieving end of abuse at the age of 25 was the final straw.

I just thought, " well screw you then " , and more or less cut him off, although we

still talk I won't initiate contact and I won't tell him where I live or what my

email address is. He has my phone number and that's it; we end up sparring every

couple of years and that's all.

I am not his punchbag.

> > >

> > > I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think

> > it would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how to

> > go about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go, how

> > do you cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only

> > child, and my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family

> > members and friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically

> > continue a relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in

> > great health physically either, but I really feel like her disease is

> > choking me to death (figuratively of course). Really need help from people

> > who have been there done that. THanks.

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Wade,

I'm glad for you that at a relatively young age you decided that you did not

deserve to be your father's emotional (or physical) punching bag any longer.

It is so very hard for us KOs to make the decision that for the sake of

preserving our own mental health we can't be in contact with our abusive,

personality-disordered parent any longer, but some of us can't make that break

until much later in life. I wish I'd been able to " divorce " my parents when I

was your age, but I was enmeshed with nada in a totally unhealthy, " Stockholm

Syndrome " like way, then.

And I suppose I realized (on some level) that if I cut off contact with my nada,

that meant I was cutting off contact with dad too. They were very enmeshed with

each other, even though from my point of view they did nothing but bicker with

each other. Maybe it was good for them when they were alone together and they

saved the bickering for when I was around (they wanted an audience?) Who knows?

It sounds like you've reached a place emotionally where you realize that it

truly is not your fault that you had to go Very Low Contact, and you do not feel

the misplaced and inappropriate guilt your bpd dad tries to dump on you. That's

good; that is truly a difficult place for a lot of KOs to reach.

Best wishes to you.

-Annie

> > > >

> > > > I am a 35 year old child of a borderline (queen) parent. I really think

> > > it would be best mentally for me to " divorce " my mother, but not sure how

to

> > > go about it.... wondering if any of you have done this-- how did it go,

how

> > > do you cope with the guilt of it? I should also mention that I am an only

> > > child, and my mother has cut ties with basically all of her other family

> > > members and friends (making me and my children her " world " ) so I basically

> > > continue a relationship with her simply out of obligation. She is not in

> > > great health physically either, but I really feel like her disease is

> > > choking me to death (figuratively of course). Really need help from people

> > > who have been there done that. THanks.

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >