Guest guest Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and what did they tell them? Thanks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 My advice - don't say anything at all, If they ask, just make excuse after excuse. > ** > > > I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my > mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my > family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses > and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and > what did they tell them? > > Thanks > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Well... no matter how gently you word it, your bpd mom will most likely interpret any rational, reasonable adult boundary you set with her as an attack on her. Those with bpd tend to put a negative " spin " on even neutral incoming emotional information. So, if you do not want a confrontation with your bpd mom, then you can just make up plausible excuses each time as to why you are doing or not doing " xyz. " But if you are tired of making up plausible excuses, then just tell her the truth. Set the boundary. " Mom, I'm not bringing my family over to see you because each time we visit you, you say insulting, mean things to my wife. If you could just be polite and not make subtle or overt disparaging remarks, we could visit with you. So, how do you want to handle this? " If bpd mom goes ballistic (Queen or Witch bpd behavior) or goes into a world-class pitiful wounded, suffering Waif bpd act, just remind her, " Mom, the ball is in your court. If you can remain simply cordial and polite for one whole visit, you'll see more of us. But if you make even one snarky, malicious comment, just one, then we will leave and you won't be seeing any of us for a long time. Its your choice. " This is an important point: if you go to visit your bpd mother by yourself and especially if you go and take your children to see her without your wife, then *you are REWARDING your bpd mother's atrocious behavior.* I personally suggest that it is very counterproductive to give someone exactly what they want when they behave abominably. When you do that, you make their behavior even worse because you are showing them that IT WORKS. Catering to or caving in to a bully's threats or aggressive demands is called " appeasement " and it doesn't work with toddlers, or bpd mothers, or despots/dictators, or other bullies. It emboldens them and makes them treat you worse. Your bpd mom doesn't get to see you or the kids unless she can be civil to your wife. But, that's my own personal philosophy and suggestion, but each of us has to do what we personally feel will work best for us, as we each have individual relationship dynamics with our bpd loved one(s). This is all about what works for YOU. -Annie > > I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and what did they tell them? > > Thanks > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 Amen! If you suggest it is about them.....heaven forbid! > > > ** > > > > > > I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my > > mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my > > family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses > > and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and > > what did they tell them? > > > > Thanks > > > > > > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 For my own mom, I did take the approach of " less is more " . I wanted to send a letter and write it all out or tell her formally but the more I thought about it the more I realized how much DRAMA it would cause and I was personally done with the drama. So I simply didn't say anything. I just quit answering phone calls and was always busy when she would want to come over. She has even (continues to) show up to my front door unannounced and I do not answer the door. I talk to her about once every 2 weeks or so and visit about once every month or 2, depending on what I am emotionally up to. When I visit, I make sure I have " somewhere to go " and just " happen to be in her part of town " so I can end the visit in less than an hour. She thinks I have abandoned her and, no joke, calls both of her sisters on a daily basis to cry about how broken her family is now and how much of a victim she is. Like its mine and my brothers' fault. In the beginning I got dramatic voice mails and long dramatic letters in my mailbox (since I blocked her emails from coming in and blocked her on Facebook) but those have slowed down now as she realizes I am not budging. So I hear, she tells everyone I have unresolved bitterness and anger and she prays for me all the time that I can make peace in my heart with my own hatred so that we can be a family again. yeah, humorous and sad at the same time. Best wishes to you. Annie is right, you have to do what's right for your family. I wish you the best. Its NOT easy and be prepared for a STORM in the beginning, whichever route you go, that could last for a little while. > > > > I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and what did they tell them? > > > > Thanks > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 I'm with Annie on this one. Key phrase, " the ball is in her court " . And if she throws it back, you don't have to pick it up if you don't want to. You get to set the limits, what works for you and your family. > > > > I need advice on starting LC with my bpd mom and how what I tell my mom/family about why my wife is no longer coming with me when I visit my family? Do people have examples of what they said and the bpd's responses and has anyone had their kids/spouse stop seeing the bpd person/family and what did they tell them? > > > > Thanks > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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