We might be moving far, far away ...

[Guest guest]

So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states away.

The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our area. He

applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called again. Then

they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out to see the

area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for joy

inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen to

her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all. My

brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her yet

because I'm kind of afraid to.

[Guest guest]

What a great opportunity! They must really want him. If you all think that

it's a good idea for him to accept the job, you could always arrange (on

your nada's dime) for a caretaker to check in once in a while, and then if

she sincerely no longer can take care of herself, she would be well taken

care of in a nursing home or assisted living facility.

My thoughts are with you guys as you sort things out.

> **

>

>

> So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

> away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

> area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

> again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family

> out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

>

> I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

> contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for

> joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will

> happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of

> herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal

> -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and

> there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

>

> I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her

> yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Oh, sweetie, you can HIRE SOMEBODY to look after Nada.

Don't deprive your husband, your family, and yourself of an opportunity like

this. It could be the best thing you've ever done, and it is completely

justifiable.

Go online and look for " elder care " options. There are services like " A Place

for Mom " that do nothing but point you toward in-home care, assisted living, and

nursing facilities, based on information you provide. Her doctors can probably

also make recommendations about the level of assistance she needs. If she's 70

she qualifies for Medicare, and she may qualify for other help, too, if she

needs financial assistance (VA if she was a veteran or the widow of a vet, other

income-based help if she's destitute). That can take the form of an in-home

visitor services, or placement in a senior living apartment building or a place

with more supervision and assistance.

If your Nada is lucid (other than the BPD!) she can certainly make her own

choices about living her life - but so can you. Go, Amber, GO!!!

>

> So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states away.

The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our area. He

applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called again. Then

they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out to see the

area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

>

> I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for joy

inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen to

her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all. My

brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

>

> I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her yet

because I'm kind of afraid to.

>

[Guest guest]

That would be GREAT if Nada had any dimes. She is poor. These days, any extra

dimes come from my husband and me.

>

> > **

> >

> >

> > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

> > away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

> > area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

> > again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family

> > out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> >

> > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

> > contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for

> > joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will

> > happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of

> > herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal

> > -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and

> > there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> >

> > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her

> > yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

One of the hardest and highest hurdles for us KOs (adult kids of bpd parents) to

overcome is parentification by our pd parent(s). Some bpd parents train their

child from birth to feel inappropriate and misplaced responsibility for the

bpd's *feelings.* (That's different (to me) than contributing in some way to an

elderly parent's physical welfare, if you feel you want to and can afford it.)

But raising your child to be your *parent*, for all practical purposes:

reversing roles so that the adult child has no life of his or her own, but her

entire focus is centered on making sure her older adult parent feels happy,

emotionally secure and catered to...?

well, that's wrong.

So if we were voting on this, I'd vote that you and your husband accept the

dream job offer, and then help nada figure out what her options are RE getting

some part-time assisted living care, or moving into a retirement community, etc.

If your nada was mentally healthy, she would be urging you to grab this

wonderful career opportunity and follow your bliss.

-Annie

> >

> > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out

to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> >

> > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for joy

inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen to

her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all. My

brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

> >

> > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her yet

because I'm kind of afraid to.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I'm so happy for you!!! Please don't let nada ruin this fantastic moment and

event and brilliant future!!!

On Wed, Oct 26, 2011 at 7:20 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

> **

>

>

> One of the hardest and highest hurdles for us KOs (adult kids of bpd

> parents) to overcome is parentification by our pd parent(s). Some bpd

> parents train their child from birth to feel inappropriate and misplaced

> responsibility for the bpd's *feelings.* (That's different (to me) than

> contributing in some way to an elderly parent's physical welfare, if you

> feel you want to and can afford it.)

>

> But raising your child to be your *parent*, for all practical purposes:

> reversing roles so that the adult child has no life of his or her own, but

> her entire focus is centered on making sure her older adult parent feels

> happy, emotionally secure and catered to...?

> well, that's wrong.

>

> So if we were voting on this, I'd vote that you and your husband accept the

> dream job offer, and then help nada figure out what her options are RE

> getting some part-time assisted living care, or moving into a retirement

> community, etc.

>

> If your nada was mentally healthy, she would be urging you to grab this

> wonderful career opportunity and follow your bliss.

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> > >

> > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

> away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

> area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

> again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family

> out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > >

> > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've

> cut my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is

> jumping for joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders

> what will happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care

> of herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is

> minimal -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning

> autism and there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to

> her yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Ambertolina, does your nada have social security? Does she have enough money

coming in to pay her rent, medicine? My own does have these things but not

enough to be well off, but too well off for Medicaid and there's a ton of free

eldercare services at least in my nada's state for those on Medicaid. There

are some inbetween services though if she's a classic nada she'll refuse them

and be as difficult as possible. Anyway....I can relate, there aren't any

easy answers.

If you truly feel your nada can't manage without you and this is a

responsibility you choose, you could at a later time move her to your new city.

This is something I'm considering for the future because there's no way in hell

that I would ever move to my nada's city or the state she lives in - it would

ruin my future. So if circumstances truly required being closer to her - she

should have to come to me. Likewise your whole family's future is at stake

here and shouldn't be minimized and derailed for your nada's end of life

management. If each generation limits or destroys their future to take care of

the previous generation, then what happens to our society in general? I have a

feeling that as the aging population in the US explodes this issue is going to

be huge - and not only for KO's.

Eliza

> >

> > > **

> > >

> > >

> > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

> > > away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of

our

> > > area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they

called

> > > again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole

family

> > > out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > >

> > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut

my

> > > contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping

for

> > > joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will

> > > happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of

> > > herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is

minimal

> > > -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism

and

> > > there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her

> > > yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Yes, she does have social security. Yes, she does take advantage of other

assistance. She even has a woman who comes in to clean a couple of days a week.

I guess it's just FOG on my part. Well, that, and I'm her landlord, so I'm a

little afraid of what she'll try to pull on me long-distance. " A pipe just

broke! I need you to wire $2,000 to fix the damages. "

But I guess I know how to handle her bullshit. I'm just scared to death to tell

her. It's really looking like we're moving.

> > > >

> > > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

> > away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

> > area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

> > again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family

> > out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > > >

> > > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've

> > cut my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is

> > jumping for joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders

> > what will happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care

> > of herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is

> > minimal -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning

> > autism and there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> > > >

> > > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to

> > her yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

We're all here, rooting for you and your family. You have had the strength

to get this far--so I know you can do it What an exciting time for you

and your family, and especially your husband!

As for long-distance landlording, you could continue to be her landlord, or

I suppose you could try to sell the place to someone else who wants to

landlord. It is difficult managing property from a distance, and it would be

much easier if you had someone else manage it for you, or even own it. Or

even just have someone go investigate the situation before you wire money.

(The best bet is to actually hire someone and pay that someone yourself,

instead of wiring money.)

You can do it

> **

>

>

> Yes, she does have social security. Yes, she does take advantage of other

> assistance. She even has a woman who comes in to clean a couple of days a

> week.

>

> I guess it's just FOG on my part. Well, that, and I'm her landlord, so I'm

> a little afraid of what she'll try to pull on me long-distance. " A pipe just

> broke! I need you to wire $2,000 to fix the damages. "

>

> But I guess I know how to handle her bullshit. I'm just scared to death to

> tell her. It's really looking like we're moving.

>

>

> > > > >

> > > > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several

> states

> > > away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out

> of our

> > > area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they

> called

> > > again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole

> family

> > > out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the

> job.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though

> I've

> > > cut my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is

> > > jumping for joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me

> wonders

> > > what will happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take

> care

> > > of herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is

> > > minimal -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of

> high-functioning

> > > autism and there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything

> to

> > > her yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Amber - again, you can hire people to solve the landlord problem. It will cost

you a management fee if you're providing free housing to Nada, but it will also

put another set of eyes on the property (and on Nada) and if she starts

destroying or neglecting the home you own, the manager will let you know. We

rented out our house when we moved cross-country, and let a management company

collect the rent, run background checks on the tenants before renting, and let

us know when maintenance was due. I think it also helped with the homeowner's

insurance - because we weren't leaving a derelict property inhabited by

squatters!

Dealing with your Nada's need (hah!) for you to fill her every desire is going

to be difficult, but there are services that will actually meet every real need

she has. Sane people use these all the time for their rental properties and

elderly parents. (I'm not saying you're not sane - you're just being roped in

by an insane person.) So by all means, use the services that are out there, and

get on with your life! If you have to make a couple of trips a year because

Nada's ready to move to assisted living, you will have to do that - but you'd

have to deal with the progression of her old age whether you're across the

country or right next door.

Putting my mother into assisted living was an expensive move, but necessary, and

so well worth every bit of effort I'm making now. I deal with nurses, social

workers, staffers - and I have very little contact with Nada. So filling her

needs is really about filling actual, legitimate needs - not spinning my wheels

in the FOG. She's healthier and happier because she's not isolated, and I'm

sure a lot better off!

This is gonna be great!!

> > > > >

> > > > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several

states

> > > away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of

our

> > > area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they

called

> > > again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole

family

> > > out to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > > > >

> > > > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've

> > > cut my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is

> > > jumping for joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders

> > > what will happen to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take

care

> > > of herself at all. My brother is here, but his interaction with her is

> > > minimal -- long story, but I think he's got some sort of high-functioning

> > > autism and there's just no way he'll be the caretaker.

> > > > >

> > > > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to

> > > her yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

ambertolina,

that's fantastic! what a great opportunity! i don't blame you for being afraid

to tell nada. I would be as well. Who would want to deal with a melt down???

maybe when it's for certain that your husband is taking the job, and you're

ready to tell nada, you could have a " buffer " in the room, a safe person who

your mother wouldn't freak out in front of?

i wonder if your mother will suddenly learn to take care of herself once you're

not around, once she's forced to do her most for herself. once i went LC with

nada, she began reaching out more to other people, and even recently attended a

seniors lunch in her town, which is HUGE for her. She had a great time and i

really don't think she would have done it if I had not gone LC.

>

> So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states away.

The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our area. He

applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called again. Then

they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out to see the

area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

>

> I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for joy

inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen to

her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all. My

brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

>

> I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her yet

because I'm kind of afraid to.

>

[Guest guest]

Annie said: " If your nada was mentally healthy, she would be urging you to grab

this wonderful career opportunity and follow your bliss. "

Exactly. A " normal " parent who has their own life and has allowed their

children to have their own lives is happy for their kids' successes and

opportunities.

I often wonder about that. What if I was in the Army and got called out to Japan

or wherever? Nada would HAVE to get on without me. That's that. And she'd have

to do so as well if I made the choice to move away from her.

> > >

> > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out

to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > >

> > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut

my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for

joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen

to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all.

My brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her

yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the encouragement and advice. Not sure if we can afford a management

company, but I may look into it. I'm more concerned about long distance

emotional blackmail: " I'm very sick and you're not here. " " I'm thinking about

killing myself and you're not here. " " I smell gas in the house and you're not

here. " (That one has actually happened before and I know how to handle it.) Etc.

I'm sure she'll try to make my life difficult to punish me for moving.

I think I will wait to tell her until my husband has actually accepted the

position.

Thanks again everyone!

> >

> > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out

to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> >

> > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut my

contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for joy

inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen to

her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all. My

brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

> >

> > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her yet

because I'm kind of afraid to.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Dealing with emotional blackmail requires being firm and taking her word for it,

every time. You don't rush to her side, instead you send the police around for

a welfare check on her (call the non-emergency number for the precinct she lives

in), or the gas company to check out the report of a leak. This provides her

with no payoff in the form of you rushing to her side. If you continue to

respond in this way to each of her attempts to yank your chain, you may

eventually train her to stop being so passive-aggressive in stating her needs.

p.s. Congrats on the dream job offer - so exciting! Sorry I've been AWOL on

this board, I do read regularly, and I really enjoy the perspectives here.

> > >

> > > So, my husband has recently interviewed for a job that's several states

away. The funny thing is, he was never seriously looking for work out of our

area. He applied for a dream job on a lark and they called. Then they called

again. Then they flew him out. Now they're offering to fly our whole family out

to see the area so that we can all decide if he should take the job.

> > >

> > > I am the only family member who takes care of Nada, even though I've cut

my contact with her down to just a few visits a year. Part of me is jumping for

joy inside with the thought of moving away. Part of me wonders what will happen

to her -- she turned 70 this year and she doesn't take care of herself at all.

My brother is here, but his interaction with her is minimal -- long story, but I

think he's got some sort of high-functioning autism and there's just no way

he'll be the caretaker.

> > >

> > > I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I haven't said anything to her

yet because I'm kind of afraid to.

> > >

> >

>