Guest guest Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hi, I am Twyla, I have recently discovered more about my mother and WHO and WHY she behaves as she does. I am brand new to this forum. What does Nada stand for? My mother and I are for first time on no contact....my choice...she probably likes it as then she does not have to face me...the truth. My relationship with her culminated two weeks ago after a series of unreal behavior from her showing little caring about my husbands mom passing.....the fact my husbands brother cheated him out of his moms Will.......and the latest....moms anger TO ME because my recently deceased Uncle ( her only loving close relative at the time) left myself and my cousin in charge of all powers of duty and left us more money than he left her. My moms mother died at an early age...and I have parented mom most of my life...as I felt so sorry for her......the last few years I have asked for help in kind.....she minimizes me and my issues.....we fight...she hangs up and always blames me for any disagreement. She always tells me SHE IS THE MOTHER and how dare I speak this way to her. She is 85 and thank god lives 800 miles away. My childhood was fraught with abuse from father and mother did little to stop or change things...she hid all her life.....yet over time I pit all that away and I thought forgave her.......I was healing all I could during this time from panic disorder. I helped her emotionally with my father...and my whacked brother....for years........mind you my brother was beaten bad and in turn he beat me....father beat me also but brother was far worse. All was kept secret for years.....and mom still wants this. When I started to heal more from years of Agoraphobia, about 4 years ago, I started to ask her of the past.....she would always get mad. This last year I had forced the issue and she told me NONE OF THE ABUSE I SPOKE OF EVER HAPPENED! I have two kids now in early 20' s that are great and husband for 30 years......I am blessed and was determined not to raise my kids like they did. She is jealous of so much of me. But silly me kept trying to get love from her.....we had more of a phone relationship for years than anything. My dad is dead now over ten years.. I was sending her money....gifts....flowers....she would call me for years almost every night crying about something. I was there. Now she is so mad AT ME cause uncle left Will, not to her. My brother takes from her and she let's him and he is an alcoholic. He cannot sustain relationships. She let's him stay when he comes out almost every month. I am never invited out there...and she had not come here for eleven years. Her excuses are: she cannot see off the plane, but goes to Mexico etc., my kids do not need her now as they are older and have girlfriends and their computers, what would she do all day as she will be alone while we work. When I do see her at her apartment, she picks n me all the time....my hair is too blonde, my nails...my heels too high.......why is my graduated son not in the police force yet, why do we spend so much time with our kids, why are the kids still at home etc..... She never invites me there. The last conversation we had was Thanksgiving......whacked brother was there. I did not want to speak with her although she always calls on holidays......she had not this time. I asked husband to call her to tell her I had chest pains.....I did....the classic pre heart attack signs being monitored by my health care people........I wanted hereto know I was not well plus I thought from husband she would listen more. I had just recently lost my job also so the stress of all was not healthy for me. I was very sick and am now some better and have a job yes! He called and told her...she didn't ask any questions....but acknowledged she heard him. I was insane with anger after husbands report to me. I called her, I was so angry and crying to her that I couldn't believe she could be that insensitive to my condition......also I told her, husband felt she wasn't really concerned. Her last words were.... " I do not have to put up with this anymore and you can tell husband to goto hell " . I felt the final betrayal. I called back...she wouldn't answer her phone.......so I left a message, crying saying the same thing again about her insensitivity......and that SHE could go to hell. No a call from her since to see how I am....nothing. After years of being there for her.....all the crap we went through as kids.......nothing. Comment would be soooooo welcome. Blessings to all of you Twyla Sent from my iPad Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Hi Twyla, welcome to the Group. The behaviors you describe sound very familiar. I have experienced the denial you described (my nada has said, " I've always been a perfect mother to you! " ), the blaming, the ridiculously high expectations, the inappropriate flinging of guilt and anger from my nada ( " nada " means " not-a-mom " or a " mother with bpd " ), and her perfectionism, her anger, her narcissism, and her need to be in absolute, total control over every situation. Its exhausting to be around someone who is impossible to please, and never satisfied. Its heart-breaking to realize that your relationship with your " nada " /bpd mother has basically been a very one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving and your mother doing all the receiving. Each of us has to find our own path to healing and acceptance, as different paths work for different people. Its a very individual choice, whether Limited or Low Contact With Boundaries works best for you, or whether NO Contact (either temporarily or permanently) works best for you. Or, whether you need to wait and let things stay as they are until you feel ready to make a change. Educating yourself about the Cluster B personality disorders and about Borderline pd in particular can help you cope, because when you are able to accept that this is a real, genuine, full-blown mental illness it helps you take their negative behaviors less personally. You didn't make your mom the way she is, you can't cure her, and you can't make her change. All you CAN do is change the way you yourself will respond to her negative, manipulative, destructive behaviors. There are lots of good books available now about understanding Borderline PD, about overcoming unhealthy codependent feelings in unhealthy relationships, about setting boundaries with pd loved ones... there is a reading list at the home site of this Group, at BPD Central. I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and there are other good books you'll see recommended here from time to time. I'm sorry you are hurting; having an abusive, bpd mother or father or sibling hurts. Our journey to peace and healing includes learning and accepting that its OK to protect ourselves from someone who chronically mistreats us, uses us, and hurts us. Its OK to step away from the hot stove to keep it from burning you. -Annie > > Hi, I am Twyla, > > I have recently discovered more about my mother and WHO and WHY she behaves as she does. > > I am brand new to this forum. > > What does Nada stand for? > > My mother and I are for first time on no contact....my choice...she probably likes it as then she does not have to face me...the truth. > > My relationship with her culminated two weeks ago after a series of unreal behavior from her showing little caring about my husbands mom passing.....the fact my husbands brother cheated him out of his moms Will.......and the latest....moms anger TO ME because my recently deceased Uncle ( her only loving close relative at the time) left myself and my cousin in charge of all powers of duty and left us more money than he left her. > > My moms mother died at an early age...and I have parented mom most of my life...as I felt so sorry for her......the last few years I have asked for help in kind.....she minimizes me and my issues.....we fight...she hangs up and always blames me for any disagreement. She always tells me SHE IS THE MOTHER and how dare I speak this way to her. > > She is 85 and thank god lives 800 miles away. > > My childhood was fraught with abuse from father and mother did little to stop or change things...she hid all her life.....yet over time I pit all that away and I thought forgave her.......I was healing all I could during this time from panic disorder. > > I helped her emotionally with my father...and my whacked brother....for years........mind you my brother was beaten bad and in turn he beat me....father beat me also but brother was far worse. > > All was kept secret for years.....and mom still wants this. When I started to heal more from years of Agoraphobia, about 4 years ago, I started to ask her of the past.....she would always get mad. > > This last year I had forced the issue and she told me NONE OF THE ABUSE I SPOKE OF EVER HAPPENED! > > I have two kids now in early 20' s that are great and husband for 30 years......I am blessed and was determined not to raise my kids like they did. She is jealous of so much of me. > > But silly me kept trying to get love from her.....we had more of a phone relationship for years than anything. My dad is dead now over ten years.. I was sending her money....gifts....flowers....she would call me for years almost every night crying about something. I was there. > > Now she is so mad AT ME cause uncle left Will, not to her. > > My brother takes from her and she let's him and he is an alcoholic. He cannot sustain relationships. She let's him stay when he comes out almost every month. > > I am never invited out there...and she had not come here for eleven years. Her excuses are: she cannot see off the plane, but goes to Mexico etc., my kids do not need her now as they are older and have girlfriends and their computers, what would she do all day as she will be alone while we work. When I do see her at her apartment, she picks n me all the time....my hair is too blonde, my nails...my heels too high.......why is my graduated son not in the police force yet, why do we spend so much time with our kids, why are the kids still at home etc..... > > She never invites me there. > > The last conversation we had was Thanksgiving......whacked brother was there. I did not want to speak with her although she always calls on holidays......she had not this time. I asked husband to call her to tell her I had chest pains.....I did....the classic pre heart attack signs being monitored by my health care people........I wanted hereto know I was not well plus I thought from husband she would listen more. I had just recently lost my job also so the stress of all was not healthy for me. I was very sick and am now some better and have a job yes! > > He called and told her...she didn't ask any questions....but acknowledged she heard him. I was insane with anger after husbands report to me. > > I called her, I was so angry and crying to her that I couldn't believe she could be that insensitive to my condition......also I told her, husband felt she wasn't really concerned. Her last words were.... " I do not have to put up with this anymore and you can tell husband to goto hell " . > > I felt the final betrayal. I called back...she wouldn't answer her phone.......so I left a message, crying saying the same thing again about her insensitivity......and that SHE could go to hell. > > No a call from her since to see how I am....nothing. After years of being there for her.....all the crap we went through as kids.......nothing. > > Comment would be soooooo welcome. > > > Blessings to all of you > > > Twyla > > > > > > Sent from my iPad > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 27, 2011 Report Share Posted October 27, 2011 Annie, Mom always says... " she never has ever intentionally hurt anyone in her life " . I hear this over and over....... I tell her, but your choices affect people and hurt them...she says, she never means harm.....and never takes responsibility. She blames me most. She makes others either all right or all wrong....my dad did same...he taught her well. He is dead. Twyla. Sent from my iPad > Hi Twyla, welcome to the Group. > > The behaviors you describe sound very familiar. I have experienced the denial you described (my nada has said, " I've always been a perfect mother to you! " ), the blaming, the ridiculously high expectations, the inappropriate flinging of guilt and anger from my nada ( " nada " means " not-a-mom " or a " mother with bpd " ), and her perfectionism, her anger, her narcissism, and her need to be in absolute, total control over every situation. > > Its exhausting to be around someone who is impossible to please, and never satisfied. Its heart-breaking to realize that your relationship with your " nada " /bpd mother has basically been a very one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving and your mother doing all the receiving. > > Each of us has to find our own path to healing and acceptance, as different paths work for different people. Its a very individual choice, whether Limited or Low Contact With Boundaries works best for you, or whether NO Contact (either temporarily or permanently) works best for you. Or, whether you need to wait and let things stay as they are until you feel ready to make a change. > > Educating yourself about the Cluster B personality disorders and about Borderline pd in particular can help you cope, because when you are able to accept that this is a real, genuine, full-blown mental illness it helps you take their negative behaviors less personally. You didn't make your mom the way she is, you can't cure her, and you can't make her change. All you CAN do is change the way you yourself will respond to her negative, manipulative, destructive behaviors. > > There are lots of good books available now about understanding Borderline PD, about overcoming unhealthy codependent feelings in unhealthy relationships, about setting boundaries with pd loved ones... there is a reading list at the home site of this Group, at BPD Central. > > I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and there are other good books you'll see recommended here from time to time. > > I'm sorry you are hurting; having an abusive, bpd mother or father or sibling hurts. Our journey to peace and healing includes learning and accepting that its OK to protect ourselves from someone who chronically mistreats us, uses us, and hurts us. Its OK to step away from the hot stove to keep it from burning you. > > -Annie > > > > > > Hi, I am Twyla, > > > > I have recently discovered more about my mother and WHO and WHY she behaves as she does. > > > > I am brand new to this forum. > > > > What does Nada stand for? > > > > My mother and I are for first time on no contact....my choice...she probably likes it as then she does not have to face me...the truth. > > > > My relationship with her culminated two weeks ago after a series of unreal behavior from her showing little caring about my husbands mom passing.....the fact my husbands brother cheated him out of his moms Will.......and the latest....moms anger TO ME because my recently deceased Uncle ( her only loving close relative at the time) left myself and my cousin in charge of all powers of duty and left us more money than he left her. > > > > My moms mother died at an early age...and I have parented mom most of my life...as I felt so sorry for her......the last few years I have asked for help in kind.....she minimizes me and my issues.....we fight...she hangs up and always blames me for any disagreement. She always tells me SHE IS THE MOTHER and how dare I speak this way to her. > > > > She is 85 and thank god lives 800 miles away. > > > > My childhood was fraught with abuse from father and mother did little to stop or change things...she hid all her life.....yet over time I pit all that away and I thought forgave her.......I was healing all I could during this time from panic disorder. > > > > I helped her emotionally with my father...and my whacked brother....for years........mind you my brother was beaten bad and in turn he beat me....father beat me also but brother was far worse. > > > > All was kept secret for years.....and mom still wants this. When I started to heal more from years of Agoraphobia, about 4 years ago, I started to ask her of the past.....she would always get mad. > > > > This last year I had forced the issue and she told me NONE OF THE ABUSE I SPOKE OF EVER HAPPENED! > > > > I have two kids now in early 20' s that are great and husband for 30 years......I am blessed and was determined not to raise my kids like they did. She is jealous of so much of me. > > > > But silly me kept trying to get love from her.....we had more of a phone relationship for years than anything. My dad is dead now over ten years.. I was sending her money....gifts....flowers....she would call me for years almost every night crying about something. I was there. > > > > Now she is so mad AT ME cause uncle left Will, not to her. > > > > My brother takes from her and she let's him and he is an alcoholic. He cannot sustain relationships. She let's him stay when he comes out almost every month. > > > > I am never invited out there...and she had not come here for eleven years. Her excuses are: she cannot see off the plane, but goes to Mexico etc., my kids do not need her now as they are older and have girlfriends and their computers, what would she do all day as she will be alone while we work. When I do see her at her apartment, she picks n me all the time....my hair is too blonde, my nails...my heels too high.......why is my graduated son not in the police force yet, why do we spend so much time with our kids, why are the kids still at home etc..... > > > > She never invites me there. > > > > The last conversation we had was Thanksgiving......whacked brother was there. I did not want to speak with her although she always calls on holidays......she had not this time. I asked husband to call her to tell her I had chest pains.....I did....the classic pre heart attack signs being monitored by my health care people........I wanted hereto know I was not well plus I thought from husband she would listen more. I had just recently lost my job also so the stress of all was not healthy for me. I was very sick and am now some better and have a job yes! > > > > He called and told her...she didn't ask any questions....but acknowledged she heard him. I was insane with anger after husbands report to me. > > > > I called her, I was so angry and crying to her that I couldn't believe she could be that insensitive to my condition......also I told her, husband felt she wasn't really concerned. Her last words were.... " I do not have to put up with this anymore and you can tell husband to goto hell " . > > > > I felt the final betrayal. I called back...she wouldn't answer her phone.......so I left a message, crying saying the same thing again about her insensitivity......and that SHE could go to hell. > > > > No a call from her since to see how I am....nothing. After years of being there for her.....all the crap we went through as kids.......nothing. > > > > Comment would be soooooo welcome. > > > > > > Blessings to all of you > > > > > > Twyla > > > > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPad > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted October 28, 2011 Report Share Posted October 28, 2011 Annie, Do these mothers feel love for their children? I know they are no sociopathic...but....... Twyla Sent from my iPad > Hi Twyla, welcome to the Group. > > The behaviors you describe sound very familiar. I have experienced the denial you described (my nada has said, " I've always been a perfect mother to you! " ), the blaming, the ridiculously high expectations, the inappropriate flinging of guilt and anger from my nada ( " nada " means " not-a-mom " or a " mother with bpd " ), and her perfectionism, her anger, her narcissism, and her need to be in absolute, total control over every situation. > > Its exhausting to be around someone who is impossible to please, and never satisfied. Its heart-breaking to realize that your relationship with your " nada " /bpd mother has basically been a very one-way relationship, with you doing all the giving and your mother doing all the receiving. > > Each of us has to find our own path to healing and acceptance, as different paths work for different people. Its a very individual choice, whether Limited or Low Contact With Boundaries works best for you, or whether NO Contact (either temporarily or permanently) works best for you. Or, whether you need to wait and let things stay as they are until you feel ready to make a change. > > Educating yourself about the Cluster B personality disorders and about Borderline pd in particular can help you cope, because when you are able to accept that this is a real, genuine, full-blown mental illness it helps you take their negative behaviors less personally. You didn't make your mom the way she is, you can't cure her, and you can't make her change. All you CAN do is change the way you yourself will respond to her negative, manipulative, destructive behaviors. > > There are lots of good books available now about understanding Borderline PD, about overcoming unhealthy codependent feelings in unhealthy relationships, about setting boundaries with pd loved ones... there is a reading list at the home site of this Group, at BPD Central. > > I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and there are other good books you'll see recommended here from time to time. > > I'm sorry you are hurting; having an abusive, bpd mother or father or sibling hurts. Our journey to peace and healing includes learning and accepting that its OK to protect ourselves from someone who chronically mistreats us, uses us, and hurts us. Its OK to step away from the hot stove to keep it from burning you. > > -Annie > > > > > > Hi, I am Twyla, > > > > I have recently discovered more about my mother and WHO and WHY she behaves as she does. > > > > I am brand new to this forum. > > > > What does Nada stand for? > > > > My mother and I are for first time on no contact....my choice...she probably likes it as then she does not have to face me...the truth. > > > > My relationship with her culminated two weeks ago after a series of unreal behavior from her showing little caring about my husbands mom passing.....the fact my husbands brother cheated him out of his moms Will.......and the latest....moms anger TO ME because my recently deceased Uncle ( her only loving close relative at the time) left myself and my cousin in charge of all powers of duty and left us more money than he left her. > > > > My moms mother died at an early age...and I have parented mom most of my life...as I felt so sorry for her......the last few years I have asked for help in kind.....she minimizes me and my issues.....we fight...she hangs up and always blames me for any disagreement. She always tells me SHE IS THE MOTHER and how dare I speak this way to her. > > > > She is 85 and thank god lives 800 miles away. > > > > My childhood was fraught with abuse from father and mother did little to stop or change things...she hid all her life.....yet over time I pit all that away and I thought forgave her.......I was healing all I could during this time from panic disorder. > > > > I helped her emotionally with my father...and my whacked brother....for years........mind you my brother was beaten bad and in turn he beat me....father beat me also but brother was far worse. > > > > All was kept secret for years.....and mom still wants this. When I started to heal more from years of Agoraphobia, about 4 years ago, I started to ask her of the past.....she would always get mad. > > > > This last year I had forced the issue and she told me NONE OF THE ABUSE I SPOKE OF EVER HAPPENED! > > > > I have two kids now in early 20' s that are great and husband for 30 years......I am blessed and was determined not to raise my kids like they did. She is jealous of so much of me. > > > > But silly me kept trying to get love from her.....we had more of a phone relationship for years than anything. My dad is dead now over ten years.. I was sending her money....gifts....flowers....she would call me for years almost every night crying about something. I was there. > > > > Now she is so mad AT ME cause uncle left Will, not to her. > > > > My brother takes from her and she let's him and he is an alcoholic. He cannot sustain relationships. She let's him stay when he comes out almost every month. > > > > I am never invited out there...and she had not come here for eleven years. Her excuses are: she cannot see off the plane, but goes to Mexico etc., my kids do not need her now as they are older and have girlfriends and their computers, what would she do all day as she will be alone while we work. When I do see her at her apartment, she picks n me all the time....my hair is too blonde, my nails...my heels too high.......why is my graduated son not in the police force yet, why do we spend so much time with our kids, why are the kids still at home etc..... > > > > She never invites me there. > > > > The last conversation we had was Thanksgiving......whacked brother was there. I did not want to speak with her although she always calls on holidays......she had not this time. I asked husband to call her to tell her I had chest pains.....I did....the classic pre heart attack signs being monitored by my health care people........I wanted hereto know I was not well plus I thought from husband she would listen more. I had just recently lost my job also so the stress of all was not healthy for me. I was very sick and am now some better and have a job yes! > > > > He called and told her...she didn't ask any questions....but acknowledged she heard him. I was insane with anger after husbands report to me. > > > > I called her, I was so angry and crying to her that I couldn't believe she could be that insensitive to my condition......also I told her, husband felt she wasn't really concerned. Her last words were.... " I do not have to put up with this anymore and you can tell husband to goto hell " . > > > > I felt the final betrayal. I called back...she wouldn't answer her phone.......so I left a message, crying saying the same thing again about her insensitivity......and that SHE could go to hell. > > > > No a call from her since to see how I am....nothing. After years of being there for her.....all the crap we went through as kids.......nothing. > > > > Comment would be soooooo welcome. > > > > > > Blessings to all of you > > > > > > Twyla > > > > > > > > > > > > Sent from my iPad > > > > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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