Countdown and finally giving up on denial

[Guest guest]

Side note: finally got around to giving myself an alias, lol.

Anyway, I know only you guys can really understand the liberation of finally

getting out of Nada's house. After graduating in May and fighting a horrible job

market for new grads for 5 months, I finally landed a great job in a town 100

miles away! Originally I wasn't supposed to start until November, but New Boss

called and wants me to begin next Tuesday. I leave Saturday, so I've only got to

make it through today and tomorrow and I am home free! *does happy dance*

Surprisingly, Nada has not given me any crap about it at all, just that fake

happiness stuff (know what I mean?) that just makes me uncomfortable because I

know it isn't genuine. I'm still kind of on edge waiting for her to blow, but at

this point even if she does she can't stop me from leaving. I'm done with her

BS.

My dad, on the other hand, has bitched me out up one side and down the other

about really small, stupid things. This is odd behavior for him. He's usually

very logical and when I call him out on taking frustration for other things out

on me he usually backs down. The past few days though it's just been one thing

after another, all very small in the big picture. He is adamant that these

little things are really big things and that they're all my fault.

Looks to me like maybe Nada isn't blowing up because she's got her henchman to

do it for her. Or she's on her best behavior because she's trying to Hoover me

into staying (HA!).

So that leads to the second part: I've finally given up the illusion that my dad

is all-good, the savior parent. Don't get me wrong, he has been a good parent in

a lot of ways, and he blocks a good amount of Nada's crap from us kids, but it

makes him angry and grouchy instead. He internalizes it, enables it, refuses to

make significant changes to fix it despite complaining incessantly about it.

He's codependent, and now that I see through a lot of Nada's issues, I'm

beginning to notice how much he has as well. I don't think I'd go so far as to

label him a " fada " but the rose colored glasses have finally fallen off and

shattered into a million little pieces.

It's both relieving and saddening to realize this. It feels freeing, but it just

really sucks that neither I nor my 4 younger siblings (who are still stuck in

the house) have *any* " normal " parents.

I hope one day he finally stops pretending that Nada is going to magically get

better if the rest of us can be good enough. I hope he breaks free from her too

and takes the kids with him. I will support him 110% if he does but until then I

guess I can only work on me.

[Guest guest]

Congratulations on landing a great new job, and on moving out of your parents'

home and being on your own: a full-fledged, autonomous, self-actualized adult!

That is awesome!

I think its normal to feel sad when your illusions are finally shattered, and

you come to accept the reality that both of your parents have some kind or

degree of personality disorder. You may go through a kind of mourning period

when that reality hits.

But you have a whole new life ahead of you as your own person, as " Sunehri " , not

as " the oldest daughter of personality-disordered/codependent mom and dad. "

So, best of luck to you, and fly as high as you dare.

-Annie

>

> Side note: finally got around to giving myself an alias, lol.

>

> Anyway, I know only you guys can really understand the liberation of finally

getting out of Nada's house. After graduating in May and fighting a horrible job

market for new grads for 5 months, I finally landed a great job in a town 100

miles away! Originally I wasn't supposed to start until November, but New Boss

called and wants me to begin next Tuesday. I leave Saturday, so I've only got to

make it through today and tomorrow and I am home free! *does happy dance*

>

> Surprisingly, Nada has not given me any crap about it at all, just that fake

happiness stuff (know what I mean?) that just makes me uncomfortable because I

know it isn't genuine. I'm still kind of on edge waiting for her to blow, but at

this point even if she does she can't stop me from leaving. I'm done with her

BS.

>

> My dad, on the other hand, has bitched me out up one side and down the other

about really small, stupid things. This is odd behavior for him. He's usually

very logical and when I call him out on taking frustration for other things out

on me he usually backs down. The past few days though it's just been one thing

after another, all very small in the big picture. He is adamant that these

little things are really big things and that they're all my fault.

>

> Looks to me like maybe Nada isn't blowing up because she's got her henchman to

do it for her. Or she's on her best behavior because she's trying to Hoover me

into staying (HA!).

>

> So that leads to the second part: I've finally given up the illusion that my

dad is all-good, the savior parent. Don't get me wrong, he has been a good

parent in a lot of ways, and he blocks a good amount of Nada's crap from us

kids, but it makes him angry and grouchy instead. He internalizes it, enables

it, refuses to make significant changes to fix it despite complaining

incessantly about it. He's codependent, and now that I see through a lot of

Nada's issues, I'm beginning to notice how much he has as well. I don't think

I'd go so far as to label him a " fada " but the rose colored glasses have finally

fallen off and shattered into a million little pieces.

>

> It's both relieving and saddening to realize this. It feels freeing, but it

just really sucks that neither I nor my 4 younger siblings (who are still stuck

in the house) have *any* " normal " parents.

>

> I hope one day he finally stops pretending that Nada is going to magically get

better if the rest of us can be good enough. I hope he breaks free from her too

and takes the kids with him. I will support him 110% if he does but until then I

guess I can only work on me.

>

[Guest guest]

Sunehri,

I'm zeroing in on your dad here: it sounds like he's sad, possibly depressed, to

see you go. And probably it saddens him that you're so happy! lol! he sounds

like a normal dad.

He sounds scared, too, that you're leaving and the emotions wrapped in that,

plus that now he'll have to deal with nada on his own now.

Your nada sounds like mine, when she puts on that scary fake happy face...ugh I

hate it, b/c I know it's just a matter of hours if not minutes until the

explosion.

>

> Side note: finally got around to giving myself an alias, lol.

>

> Anyway, I know only you guys can really understand the liberation of finally

getting out of Nada's house. After graduating in May and fighting a horrible job

market for new grads for 5 months, I finally landed a great job in a town 100

miles away! Originally I wasn't supposed to start until November, but New Boss

called and wants me to begin next Tuesday. I leave Saturday, so I've only got to

make it through today and tomorrow and I am home free! *does happy dance*

>

> Surprisingly, Nada has not given me any crap about it at all, just that fake

happiness stuff (know what I mean?) that just makes me uncomfortable because I

know it isn't genuine. I'm still kind of on edge waiting for her to blow, but at

this point even if she does she can't stop me from leaving. I'm done with her

BS.

>

> My dad, on the other hand, has bitched me out up one side and down the other

about really small, stupid things. This is odd behavior for him. He's usually

very logical and when I call him out on taking frustration for other things out

on me he usually backs down. The past few days though it's just been one thing

after another, all very small in the big picture. He is adamant that these

little things are really big things and that they're all my fault.

>

> Looks to me like maybe Nada isn't blowing up because she's got her henchman to

do it for her. Or she's on her best behavior because she's trying to Hoover me

into staying (HA!).

>

> So that leads to the second part: I've finally given up the illusion that my

dad is all-good, the savior parent. Don't get me wrong, he has been a good

parent in a lot of ways, and he blocks a good amount of Nada's crap from us

kids, but it makes him angry and grouchy instead. He internalizes it, enables

it, refuses to make significant changes to fix it despite complaining

incessantly about it. He's codependent, and now that I see through a lot of

Nada's issues, I'm beginning to notice how much he has as well. I don't think

I'd go so far as to label him a " fada " but the rose colored glasses have finally

fallen off and shattered into a million little pieces.

>

> It's both relieving and saddening to realize this. It feels freeing, but it

just really sucks that neither I nor my 4 younger siblings (who are still stuck

in the house) have *any* " normal " parents.

>

> I hope one day he finally stops pretending that Nada is going to magically get

better if the rest of us can be good enough. I hope he breaks free from her too

and takes the kids with him. I will support him 110% if he does but until then I

guess I can only work on me.

>

[Guest guest]

Ah yes, the fake happy face. That's a timely reminder (it being Halloween

weekend and all): my nada's fake " happy face " and bubbly, happy voice were

actually terrifying because you could SEE that it was forced and just about to

melt off of the true rage-face that was underneath it.

The way my nada would run through emotions, both willfully (her narcissistic

side) and un-willfully (her borderline pd side) kept me hyper-vigilant as a

child (and into adulthood) and yet unable to trust anything I perceived.

If you've ever seen the film " Dream Child " , its about the actual person whom

Dodgson aka Carroll chose as his " Alice " when she was a little

girl. When the film includes sequences where Alice Liddell revisits the

Wonderland characters, they are not silly, candy-colored, lovable creatures,

instead they are dark, sinister and terrifying, their lips curl with contempt

for Alice and they seem to be barely holding back a desire to rip her to shreds.

As you can tell, that film really resonated with me. Its about the way that

things can *appear* to be sweet and wholesome on the surface but can be the

opposite, underneath. And the film is about the irony of how the " Alice "

stories became beloved children's literature for generations of other kids,

while they caused the real " Alice " pain by reminding her of a relationship that

was confusing and possibly unwholesome, for her.

-Annie

> Your nada sounds like mine, when she puts on that scary fake happy face...ugh

I hate it, b/c I know it's just a matter of hours if not minutes until the

explosion.

[Guest guest]

First of all, congratulations! I live far away from both my parents and it's

blissful.

Second, it's SO weird to read that your nada makes the weird fake happy face.

It drives me nuts!! I've tried to explain it to people before and I don't think

anyone has been able to understand why it completely creeps me out.

Unbelievable that there are so many others out there that relate...even to this

relatively minor detail.

>

> Side note: finally got around to giving myself an alias, lol.

>

> Anyway, I know only you guys can really understand the liberation of finally

getting out of Nada's house. After graduating in May and fighting a horrible job

market for new grads for 5 months, I finally landed a great job in a town 100

miles away! Originally I wasn't supposed to start until November, but New Boss

called and wants me to begin next Tuesday. I leave Saturday, so I've only got to

make it through today and tomorrow and I am home free! *does happy dance*

>

> Surprisingly, Nada has not given me any crap about it at all, just that fake

happiness stuff (know what I mean?) that just makes me uncomfortable because I

know it isn't genuine. I'm still kind of on edge waiting for her to blow, but at

this point even if she does she can't stop me from leaving. I'm done with her

BS.

>

> My dad, on the other hand, has bitched me out up one side and down the other

about really small, stupid things. This is odd behavior for him. He's usually

very logical and when I call him out on taking frustration for other things out

on me he usually backs down. The past few days though it's just been one thing

after another, all very small in the big picture. He is adamant that these

little things are really big things and that they're all my fault.

>

> Looks to me like maybe Nada isn't blowing up because she's got her henchman to

do it for her. Or she's on her best behavior because she's trying to Hoover me

into staying (HA!).

>

> So that leads to the second part: I've finally given up the illusion that my

dad is all-good, the savior parent. Don't get me wrong, he has been a good

parent in a lot of ways, and he blocks a good amount of Nada's crap from us

kids, but it makes him angry and grouchy instead. He internalizes it, enables

it, refuses to make significant changes to fix it despite complaining

incessantly about it. He's codependent, and now that I see through a lot of

Nada's issues, I'm beginning to notice how much he has as well. I don't think

I'd go so far as to label him a " fada " but the rose colored glasses have finally

fallen off and shattered into a million little pieces.

>

> It's both relieving and saddening to realize this. It feels freeing, but it

just really sucks that neither I nor my 4 younger siblings (who are still stuck

in the house) have *any* " normal " parents.

>

> I hope one day he finally stops pretending that Nada is going to magically get

better if the rest of us can be good enough. I hope he breaks free from her too

and takes the kids with him. I will support him 110% if he does but until then I

guess I can only work on me.

>

[Guest guest]

I'm new here, but wanted to reach out to you, and say, " You go, girl! " I think

in an earlier post, you wrote about standing up to your nada when she was

putting your brother down for not being like you. You are an amazing young

woman! You're setting a great example for your younger siblings, and I think

your relationships and supporting them will become increasingly important as

they grow older.

I'm the oldest of three sisters, and our nada raised us each with assigned

roles. I was the " smart one " , and essentially her poster child to the world. I

was raised to be afraid of everything, and never talked back. My sister, just 18

months younger, was the scapegoat from an early age. Our little sister was

raised to be a diva. And she kind of is.....My relationships with my sisters

have been up and down over the years, and we are all now in our fifties. I

think if at least one of us had had the insight that you already have at a much

younger age, we could have been closer and realized we were unknowingly being

manipulated by our mom, even in our relationships with each other.

Cheering for you!

>

> Side note: finally got around to giving myself an alias, lol.

>

> Anyway, I know only you guys can really understand the liberation of finally

getting out of Nada's house. After graduating in May and fighting a horrible job

market for new grads for 5 months, I finally landed a great job in a town 100

miles away! Originally I wasn't supposed to start until November, but New Boss

called and wants me to begin next Tuesday. I leave Saturday, so I've only got to

make it through today and tomorrow and I am home free! *does happy dance*

>

> Surprisingly, Nada has not given me any crap about it at all, just that fake

happiness stuff (know what I mean?) that just makes me uncomfortable because I

know it isn't genuine. I'm still kind of on edge waiting for her to blow, but at

this point even if she does she can't stop me from leaving. I'm done with her

BS.

>

> My dad, on the other hand, has bitched me out up one side and down the other

about really small, stupid things. This is odd behavior for him. He's usually

very logical and when I call him out on taking frustration for other things out

on me he usually backs down. The past few days though it's just been one thing

after another, all very small in the big picture. He is adamant that these

little things are really big things and that they're all my fault.

>

> Looks to me like maybe Nada isn't blowing up because she's got her henchman to

do it for her. Or she's on her best behavior because she's trying to Hoover me

into staying (HA!).

>

> So that leads to the second part: I've finally given up the illusion that my

dad is all-good, the savior parent. Don't get me wrong, he has been a good

parent in a lot of ways, and he blocks a good amount of Nada's crap from us

kids, but it makes him angry and grouchy instead. He internalizes it, enables

it, refuses to make significant changes to fix it despite complaining

incessantly about it. He's codependent, and now that I see through a lot of

Nada's issues, I'm beginning to notice how much he has as well. I don't think

I'd go so far as to label him a " fada " but the rose colored glasses have finally

fallen off and shattered into a million little pieces.

>

> It's both relieving and saddening to realize this. It feels freeing, but it

just really sucks that neither I nor my 4 younger siblings (who are still stuck

in the house) have *any* " normal " parents.

>

> I hope one day he finally stops pretending that Nada is going to magically get

better if the rest of us can be good enough. I hope he breaks free from her too

and takes the kids with him. I will support him 110% if he does but until then I

guess I can only work on me.

>