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Hi Everyone,

I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

Thanks for your input:)

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I think you already have some good insights about this; based on the examples

you posted, I agree that you probably are hyper-vigilent to the moods of others.

The fact that you are aware that you may be hyper-vigilent (and that this is

causing you and your loved ones distress) is actually a good thing, because

awareness and distress means you can take steps to deal with it.

I too was very hyper-vigilent around my borderline pd/narcissistic pd mother

because she was so emotionally labile and unpredictably irritable and violent.

It was a survival mechanism; if I could discern minute signs that she was

becoming more irritated, I could try to become more passive and compliant (or I

could try to get out of her line of sight) and maybe avoid triggering her into a

full-blown rage.

But the coping mechanisms that helped us survive when we were small, dependent

children can become counter-productive to us later in life.

So, it sounds like you are motivated to try and modify this, so the chances are

very good that you can. There are therapies that are geared to helping us get

rid of these bpd " flea " behaviors, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and

dialectical behavioral therapy. These (and probably other) therapies teach us

to stay more " in the moment " , to be aware of " triggers " , be aware of when we

automatically fall into familiar but unwanted patterns of behavior, and learn to

stop and redirect negative emotional reactions before acting out on them, by

learning various awareness techniques and self-soothing techniques.

Example: along a similar vein, I used to call myself every ugly, harsh,

critical name my nada would call me whenever I spilled something accidentally.

(I am a clumsy person, its true, and my nada in addition to bpd and npd, also

had ocpd traits which meant she had a wide streak of perfectionism, was

hyper-controlling, hyper-clean and organized, and had a horror of messiness.)

It was like I could hear nada in my head screaming at me, calling me a stupid,

clumsy idiot (and worse) whenever I'd spill. So at first, I couldn't help but

hear the harsh nada-voice when made a mess... BUT I started adding afterward in

my own voice, " Hey, its just a spill. No big deal. I can have that cleaned up

in a jiffy. That's what paper towels are for. There, all done. (etc.) " And

gradually, I stopped hearing nada's ugly commentary in my head, at all. Now

when I spill anything, I just say to myself, " Wow! That was a spectacular one!

Hey, the floor needed mopping anyway, etc. " So, it is possible to change

ingrained or conditioned behaviors /thoughts /reactions if we just keep at it.

I believe its possible, anyway.

-Annie

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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Hello and Welcome Wishingitwas to this community,

I am definately hyper aware of other people's emotions. I " check in " with people

I know well and care about and seem to know when they are having a moment or

preoccupied with something when others either don't notice or don't ask. Most

people appreciate my interest and intuition and want to be heard or at least

noticed. I find it seems to bring many of them comfort and trust in me, they

feel noticed I think. However, I find that in my own immediate family it can be

not so welcomed at times, I attribute it to that more familiar closeness factor

where they may just want a bit more space with their own thoughts.

In reference to the concern over your sensitivity and your husbands faces, etc.

I know being the daughter of a BP mom that my feelings get hurt really easily

and I often will find myself taking things harshly when my family will say they

didn't mean it that way, etc. I think it goes back to not being heard or

listened to when we were growing up, so our feelings are easily hurt now. So on

the one hand I think a positive is you are aware of others feelings, but a

negative is your feelings can get hurt really easily and you don't feel

understood or listened to. It is almost like you feel paranoid that others are

judging you and you worry what they think of you. Does this sound familiar? I

work hard to try and not go there anymore and try and trust that someoone I love

an trust will speak to me about any real concern they have.

If I thought my husband was making faces at me, it might be a good idea to

clear the air when you are both rested and not having an issue and just share

your wishes about your communication and what you think may be happening in your

communicaiton, being careful not to blame, rather make it about what you think

may be happening.

Wishing you peace,

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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yes, I do feel I can read people's body language really well. I try not to

project or read into it too much, though, b/c I drive myself batty doing it!

has that happened in the past, that you will bring it up to your husband, he

says no, and then it turns out there was something wrong? maybe he's the kind

that can't talk about stuff until he's totally ready?

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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Nope, not just you. I could always tell no matter where I worked when management

was about to make a mistake in hiring someone who talked a good game at the

interview but I could tell was full of shit. When you're used to your own

parents lying to you constantly (and just generally living with crazy people),

you become really adept at spotting liars, whiners and lazy ass-kissers. And

yes, I'm good at being able to spot when someone is annoyed, uncomfortable, sad,

etc.

I also learned to be a really good liar myself, but I stopped doing it when I

moved away from home and realized it was wrong.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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OMG great point!!! I hate it when they hire loosers, I usually know to. And

I know whose going to pick the wrong person or fall for a load of crap. I

can usualy see it coming. Bugs me, not that I'm always right, but I think

I'm right like 1/3 more often than they are, maybe 1/2

> **

>

>

> Nope, not just you. I could always tell no matter where I worked when

> management was about to make a mistake in hiring someone who talked a good

> game at the interview but I could tell was full of shit. When you're used to

> your own parents lying to you constantly (and just generally living with

> crazy people), you become really adept at spotting liars, whiners and lazy

> ass-kissers. And yes, I'm good at being able to spot when someone is

> annoyed, uncomfortable, sad, etc.

>

> I also learned to be a really good liar myself, but I stopped doing it when

> I moved away from home and realized it was wrong.

>

>

>

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

> ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else

> find that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings?

> The reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is

> annoyed about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest

> facial expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I

> saw him making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other

> times he points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when

> he's irritable or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he

> was finishing up some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing.

> I said then why did you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that

> it's nothing, I was just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a

> word or ever thought about it ever again in his life (bad table manners are

> not my norm:).

> >

> > So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so

> damn annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even

> when it's the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would

> even notice the change in facial expression.

> >

> > Thanks for your input:)

> >

>

>

>

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I'm learning to be more relaxed, not so aware. I drive my husband nuts in the

stores. I'm always aware of other people near me, wanting to get by or go around

me. I find myself scooting over and apologizing like I've done something wrong.

If my husband is looking at something, I pull him over out of the way. Probably

because I was always trying to stay out of my nada's way - had to be quiet,

scoot over, don't do that, don't do this. It's a hard habit to break. My biggest

fear was doing something that might irritate someone. They may not care one

little bit if I'm looking at the Cheerios the same time they want a box but I

would get tense and feel bad.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression

and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a

face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out

some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or

stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some

work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you

make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just

eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it

ever again in his life (bad table manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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I think us KOs are more in tune with other people's emotions & what most

people wouldn't notice when it comes to subtle body language. I am very

hyper aware, but honestly as I heal the better off I get. I am not

questioning every little thing anymore, but trust me... I still notice. I'm

just not beating myself up over every little thing, no sense in it for me

anymore.

But, I do remember talking to my T about it on a couple of occasions. She

said it is very common for survivors of trauma to be hyper aware. From my

own experiences & talking to others, I agree.

Try not to think of it as a curse, but rather a blessing. Sometimes picking

up on those subtleties is like having a 6th sense. It's helped me figure

out who's safe to be around versus who is not. I'm also really good at

spotting when someone's lying.

Enjoy your 6th sense and don't let it drive you bonkers =)

Mia

On Fri, Oct 28, 2011 at 8:12 PM, wishingitwasdifferent <

wishingitwasdifferent@...> wrote:

>

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

> ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else

> find that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings?

> The reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is

> annoyed about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest

> facial expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I

> saw him making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other

> times he points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when

> he's irritable or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he

> was finishing up some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing.

> I said then why did you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that

> it's nothing, I was just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a

> word or ever thought about it ever again in his life (bad table manners are

> not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

> annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when

> it's the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even

> notice the change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

>

>

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Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

This is a great observation. Yes, I am exactly like this. Very hyper-aware

of others, their feelings and the worry I have that I'm inconveniencing

someone. I have always felt like an inconvenience to my parents. Especially my

Nada. I'm so glad you brought this up. This also drives my husband a little

nutty. Why do I always apoligize for things that do not require an apology?Â

I don't know? Even as I type messages here I feel like I'm bothering someone.

yikes! TTH

________________________________

To: WTOAdultChildren1

Sent: Saturday, October 29, 2011 7:40 PM

Subject: Re: hyper aware

Â

I'm learning to be more relaxed, not so aware. I drive my husband nuts in the

stores. I'm always aware of other people near me, wanting to get by or go around

me. I find myself scooting over and apologizing like I've done something wrong.

If my husband is looking at something, I pull him over out of the way. Probably

because I was always trying to stay out of my nada's way - had to be quiet,

scoot over, don't do that, don't do this. It's a hard habit to break. My biggest

fear was doing something that might irritate someone. They may not care one

little bit if I'm looking at the Cheerios the same time they want a box but I

would get tense and feel bad.

>

> Hi Everyone,

>

> I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering ways

that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find that

they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The reason I

ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed about

something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial expression and

I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him making a face.

Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he points out some

really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable or stressed

about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up some work and I

saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did you make that

face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was just eating w/ my

mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about it ever again in

his life (bad table

manners are not my norm:).

>

> So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

>

> Thanks for your input:)

>

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I really relate to this-- not so much with strangers but with people I'm close

to. I find myself withdrawing and holding back the closer I am with someone.

I'm unsure about where the boundaries are. The result is that I end up pushing

people away and isolating myself. Not answering the phone, not making plans

with friends. People get frustrated with me--I think confused and then they

stop calling. I think I'm afraid of becoming like my mother and/or her

perception of me. I feel safe hiding in my house and keeping to myself even

though I am a people person and always feel better with human contact. the

contradiction is really confusing.

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find

that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The

reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed

about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial

expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him

making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he

points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable

or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up

some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did

you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was

just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about

it ever again in his life (bad table

> manners are not my norm:).

> >

> > So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when it's

the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice the

change in facial expression.

> >

> > Thanks for your input:)

> >

>

>

>

>

>

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Share on other sites

" I think I'm afraid of becoming like my mother and/or her perception of me " .

This has always been a huge issue for me as well. Anytime I make a face like my

mom or someone says that I say something like her I cringe. I've hated it my

entire life. I've spent a lot of time worrying that I'd wind up like them.

I've talked to my T about this and she has said that of course I am going to

have traits like my parents, not everything about them was awful. I heard her,

but it never really sunk in.

This is going to sound corny I'm sure, but when I finally started to feel like I

could move past this was when I was watching a Harry Potter movie (not sure

which one). Harry was worried about his similarities to the villain in the

movie and Dumbledore said " It's not how you are alike, it's how you are

different that's important " . It really struck me as incredibly pertinent to my

own life situation. Of course I have traits similar to them and I should

embrace them, because some of them are very good and kind. It's nothing to be

ashamed of. Rather I should be proud of how I'm different and that I'm putting

energy into building a more positive, healthy life for myself and my current

family.

> > >

> > > Hi Everyone,

> > >

> > > I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find

that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The

reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed

about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial

expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him

making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he

points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable

or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up

some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did

you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was

just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about

it ever again in his life (bad table

> > manners are not my norm:).

> > >

> > > So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so

damn annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when

it's the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice

the change in facial expression.

> > >

> > > Thanks for your input:)

> > >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

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This has been an issue for me, too. I am definitely a people pleaser and bend

over backwards to say things just right, not hurt others' feelings, etc. Which

is fine, but it has often been at the expense of my own feelings. I think for

me it stems from never being allowed to express how I felt about anything. When

I was growing up it was a " seen and not heard " atmosphere. I was a quiet kid

anyway, with a hermit/waif mother who also never modeled speaking up for herself

anywhere but at home. But it was always in a passive/aggressive way at home.

Now, I find myself struggling to feel like I have a right to say how I feel,

even in intimate relationships. The only relationships I have not had that

issue in is with my own children. Both of my marriages suffered from me being

cut off from my feelings and unable to express them when I did feel them. Now I

know there is a reason for all this and with that knowledge comes hope!

I can really relate to what Wishing wrote about trying to realize the good

traits you may have inherited from your parent(s). When I first learned about

BPD and the lightbulb went off, all I could see was how much I did not want to

be like my mother. In any way. But, I would like to be able to think fondly of

some good things she taught me, too. Otherwise it is just too hard to think

about. There has to be some good in everything, especially a relationship as

important as that one. That is what I tell myself, anyway. That is where I am

right now in the process.

> > > >

> > > > Hi Everyone,

> > > >

> > > > I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else find

that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings? The

reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is annoyed

about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest facial

expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I saw him

making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other times he

points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when he's irritable

or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he was finishing up

some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing. I said then why did

you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that it's nothing, I was

just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a word or ever thought about

it ever again in his life (bad table

> > > manners are not my norm:).

> > > >

> > > > So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so

damn annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when

it's the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even notice

the change in facial expression.

> > > >

> > > > Thanks for your input:)

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

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I have tried to think of this as a good thing too, but you put it perfectly.

Thank you.

>

> >

> >

> > Hi Everyone,

> >

> > I'm relatively new to discovering my nada's BPD so I'm still discovering

> > ways that it has impacted my perceptions, behaviors, etc. Does anyone else

> > find that they are hyper aware to other people's to other people's feelings?

> > The reason I ask is that I find that I frequently feel like my husband is

> > annoyed about something when he says he isn't. He can make the slightest

> > facial expression and I " m on him. It drives him nuts. At dinner just now I

> > saw him making a face. Sometimes he denies that there is any issue. Other

> > times he points out some really trivial thing that I've done (usually when

> > he's irritable or stressed about work). For example, at dinner just now he

> > was finishing up some work and I saw a look. I asked what. He said nothing.

> > I said then why did you make that face? He said in an exasperated voice that

> > it's nothing, I was just eating w/ my mouth open. He wouldn't have said a

> > word or ever thought about it ever again in his life (bad table manners are

> > not my norm:).

> >

> > So I'm left wondering...is it me? All this time I've felt like he's so damn

> > annoying about trivial stuff like this and I've felt criticized, even when

> > it's the slightest face. I'm starting to wonder if most people would even

> > notice the change in facial expression.

> >

> > Thanks for your input:)

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

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