new to group and still absorbing BPD news

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I have always known that my mother was not like other mothers, but I only

recently found out, through my therapist, the she most likey suffers from BPD.

I had never even heard of BPD before. When I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, it

truly was like the lightbulb effect. It explained so much about my whole

relationship with her. Reading the book Understanding the Borderline Mother was

an ordeal for me. The first time I read parts of it I stood in the shower and

just cried that night. It was a mixture of sadness, longing for something I

will never have, heartbreak over the life my mother has lived (or not lived, I

think she is a combination Waif/Hermit). And all mixed in was a feeling of

unreality. Intellectually I know it is true. You would think those books were

written with her in mind, even down to some of the quotes. But I still cannot

quite grasp it emotionally. I still feel that sense of betraying of her by

talking about her to my therapist and reading those books. I remember when I

brought it home, hiding it at first. Does anyone else know what I mean? Are

those common feelings? It has almost consumed me since I realized what she has.

I called my dad to ask about the times she attempted suicide, 40 years or so

ago. At least one was real, the others may have been cries for help. I am

hoping that I can find some peace with this. I just wonder what is the

experience of others like me. How long did it take? Is there anyone else here

who is where I am right now, new to it all and struggling with denial? Thank

you for any answers, input or help you can give me.

[Guest guest]

Welcome. . . hugs. . . no advice right now, sounds like you are reading all

the things I read and you have found a place where we can support you.

> **

>

>

> Hi,

> I have always known that my mother was not like other mothers, but I only

> recently found out, through my therapist, the she most likey suffers from

> BPD. I had never even heard of BPD before. When I read Stop Walking on

> Eggshells, it truly was like the lightbulb effect. It explained so much

> about my whole relationship with her. Reading the book Understanding the

> Borderline Mother was an ordeal for me. The first time I read parts of it I

> stood in the shower and just cried that night. It was a mixture of sadness,

> longing for something I will never have, heartbreak over the life my mother

> has lived (or not lived, I think she is a combination Waif/Hermit). And all

> mixed in was a feeling of unreality. Intellectually I know it is true. You

> would think those books were written with her in mind, even down to some of

> the quotes. But I still cannot quite grasp it emotionally. I still feel that

> sense of betraying of her by talking about her to my therapist and reading

> those books. I remember when I brought it home, hiding it at first. Does

> anyone else know what I mean? Are those common feelings? It has almost

> consumed me since I realized what she has. I called my dad to ask about the

> times she attempted suicide, 40 years or so ago. At least one was real, the

> others may have been cries for help. I am hoping that I can find some peace

> with this. I just wonder what is the experience of others like me. How long

> did it take? Is there anyone else here who is where I am right now, new to

> it all and struggling with denial? Thank you for any answers, input or help

> you can give me.

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Welcome to the group. Like you, when I read the Eggshells book, it was like a

light shined into my life. The first half made me cry because it was so much

like my childhood. A friend of mine had told me my nada was probably BPD but I

thought borderline meant just that, my nada was just a little bit off the norm.

I didn't realize it was an actual problem. Then a counselor told me to read the

book. It was so difficult. I haven't read the other book you mentioned. I'm

afraid to.

It's a slow process to absorb the fact that your whole family upbringing was

actually wrong and weird. I've lived in fear of my nada all my life. It's taking

me time to stop that reaction when she does things (the " look " , stops talking to

me, frowns, acts snotty). I find myself asking " what did I do wrong? " when

really it's just her way of controlling people. Things are getting easier. I

don't know if the gut reaction ever goes away but I have learned the skills to

respond to her in a healthier way, healthy for me anyway.

Read, learn, ask questions. It's never too late to take charge of your own life.

>

> Hi,

> I have always known that my mother was not like other mothers, but I only

recently found out, through my therapist, the she most likey suffers from BPD.

I had never even heard of BPD before. When I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, it

truly was like the lightbulb effect. It explained so much about my whole

relationship with her. Reading the book Understanding the Borderline Mother was

an ordeal for me. The first time I read parts of it I stood in the shower and

just cried that night. It was a mixture of sadness, longing for something I

will never have, heartbreak over the life my mother has lived (or not lived, I

think she is a combination Waif/Hermit). And all mixed in was a feeling of

unreality. Intellectually I know it is true. You would think those books were

written with her in mind, even down to some of the quotes. But I still cannot

quite grasp it emotionally. I still feel that sense of betraying of her by

talking about her to my therapist and reading those books. I remember when I

brought it home, hiding it at first. Does anyone else know what I mean? Are

those common feelings? It has almost consumed me since I realized what she has.

I called my dad to ask about the times she attempted suicide, 40 years or so

ago. At least one was real, the others may have been cries for help. I am

hoping that I can find some peace with this. I just wonder what is the

experience of others like me. How long did it take? Is there anyone else here

who is where I am right now, new to it all and struggling with denial? Thank

you for any answers, input or help you can give me.

>

[Guest guest]

I am extremely new to this... like just a few weeks in and like you said... it

has completely consumed me ever since. I believe my nada? i guess is the word is

the waif type as well. I havent even read any books yet, I got the impression

they were mainly about the violent type but now that you say this I believe I

will try the two you mentioned. When I brought this to the attention of my uncle

(Nadas brother) he told me he had read the eggshells book and he has accepted

this as the reality for years. I really wish he had told me before but I guess i

found out when I was ready. It's just insane how learning about one disorder can

completely put your whole life into perspective. Like I said it has only been a

few weeks since I started therapy with my nada after 20+ years of on and off

again and chaotic relationships. I don't even know where to go with it and I

dont feel like it is going anywhere. I dont know if I should just quit while im

ahead or try to

seek some help to have her reevaluated. It would be nice if she could be

correctly diagnosed so my family would understand... but on the other hand I

dont know if it would help at this point. Do you have any suggestions on what to

do now?

[Guest guest]

Thank you to everyone who responded. I have never done any kind of online group

before, but it helps so much to feel like I am not the only one dealing with

this. Just to hear that I am welcome to share thoughts and feelings on here is

much appreciated. I have always thought that the more information you have

about things, the better off you will be, so I would definitely recommend

reading Understanding the Borderline Mother to anyone who has not. My mother

does not display Witch tendencies, and only a few of the Queen ones (addiction

to spending, always having the finest things when lights were being shut off and

there was no lunch money for us). She mostly fits the Hermit profile with some

Waif in there, too. I have felt responsible for her my whole life, and it is

freeing in a way to know that there is a reason for all this. Yet, at the same

time very unsettling. It is like my world has been turned upside down and I am

trying to come to grips with this new reality. Which has always been reality, I

just never saw the big picture. Never saw it objectively. The older I got the

more aware I became of how different she was, but that was just Mama. Daddy

always made excuses and enabled it and we were supposed to as well. And we did.

Counseling has been one of the best things for me. If I had not done counseling

I never would have found all of this out. And finding it out, as hard as it is,

I really believe is best in the long run. I have not seen my mother since all

this has been brought to my attention. I am a little worried about how that

will go. I do not think I can say anything to her. She is not aware of her

problems and blames everyone else. If I point it out she will turn on me. So,

right now I am waiting to contact her when I feel a little stronger and a little

more distance emotionally from all this.

By the way, if I mess up in how I respond in messages, please excuse me. I am

hoping this goes out to all the people who responded to my original post. I am

still getting used to being in the group and how it works. Thank you

> >

> > Hi,

> > I have always known that my mother was not like other mothers, but I only

recently found out, through my therapist, the she most likey suffers from BPD.

I had never even heard of BPD before. When I read Stop Walking on Eggshells, it

truly was like the lightbulb effect. It explained so much about my whole

relationship with her. Reading the book Understanding the Borderline Mother was

an ordeal for me. The first time I read parts of it I stood in the shower and

just cried that night. It was a mixture of sadness, longing for something I

will never have, heartbreak over the life my mother has lived (or not lived, I

think she is a combination Waif/Hermit). And all mixed in was a feeling of

unreality. Intellectually I know it is true. You would think those books were

written with her in mind, even down to some of the quotes. But I still cannot

quite grasp it emotionally. I still feel that sense of betraying of her by

talking about her to my therapist and reading those books. I remember when I

brought it home, hiding it at first. Does anyone else know what I mean? Are

those common feelings? It has almost consumed me since I realized what she has.

I called my dad to ask about the times she attempted suicide, 40 years or so

ago. At least one was real, the others may have been cries for help. I am

hoping that I can find some peace with this. I just wonder what is the

experience of others like me. How long did it take? Is there anyone else here

who is where I am right now, new to it all and struggling with denial? Thank

you for any answers, input or help you can give me.

> >

>

[Guest guest]

You're doing fine, Amy; your message reached all of us. I agree with you:

knowledge is power and when we gain the understanding that bpd is a genuine,

severe mental illness, that knowledge can help us to not take the bpd person's

negative, destructive comments and behaviors directed at us so personally; at

least a little.

-Annie

> Thank you to everyone who responded. I have never done any kind of online

group before, but it helps so much to feel like I am not the only one dealing

with this. Just to hear that I am welcome to share thoughts and feelings on

here is much appreciated. I have always thought that the more information you

have about things, the better off you will be, so I would definitely recommend

reading Understanding the Borderline Mother to anyone who has not. My mother

does not display Witch tendencies, and only a few of the Queen ones (addiction

to spending, always having the finest things when lights were being shut off and

there was no lunch money for us). She mostly fits the Hermit profile with some

Waif in there, too. I have felt responsible for her my whole life, and it is

freeing in a way to know that there is a reason for all this. Yet, at the same

time very unsettling. It is like my world has been turned upside down and I am

trying to come to grips with this new reality. Which has always been reality, I

just never saw the big picture. Never saw it objectively. The older I got the

more aware I became of how different she was, but that was just Mama. Daddy

always made excuses and enabled it and we were supposed to as well. And we did.

Counseling has been one of the best things for me. If I had not done counseling

I never would have found all of this out. And finding it out, as hard as it is,

I really believe is best in the long run. I have not seen my mother since all

this has been brought to my attention. I am a little worried about how that

will go. I do not think I can say anything to her. She is not aware of her

problems and blames everyone else. If I point it out she will turn on me. So,

right now I am waiting to contact her when I feel a little stronger and a little

more distance emotionally from all this.

> By the way, if I mess up in how I respond in messages, please excuse me. I am

hoping this goes out to all the people who responded to my original post. I am

still getting used to being in the group and how it works. Thank you