Re: Re:New to the group.......Trying to find a new way

[Guest guest]

Hi Annie,

I am trying to wean from my nada......this morning pangs of guilt are

here...telling me ...it was not that big of deal..she is old and always been

like this. You should just call her...again.

If I do she will blame me for all that has happened......and I know I will be

pissed and wasted three weeks of no contact to get my head straightened out.I do

not want to be under her mother control any longer.

I guess I still fear she will never call me if I do not first.....or that she

will die and I sill ne forever the horrible daughter.

I have gone back so many times trying to talk to her and explain what she does

and says is so hurtful.........At times she seems to get it....but in a short

time once more...she reverts. It is getting worse since the recent deaths of

mother in law and her brother who left her out of any powers of his

estate......and gave them to me.....she blames Me most recently for HIS choice

I had nothing to do with.....and all the past abuse she gave me..........

Any comments would be great........from anyone......

Thanks all.

Twyla

Sent from my iPad

> Hi Twyla, welcome to the Group.

>

> The behaviors you describe sound very familiar. I have experienced the denial

you described (my nada has said, " I've always been a perfect mother to you! " ),

the blaming, the ridiculously high expectations, the inappropriate flinging of

guilt and anger from my nada ( " nada " means " not-a-mom " or a " mother with bpd " ),

and her perfectionism, her anger, her narcissism, and her need to be in

absolute, total control over every situation.

>

> Its exhausting to be around someone who is impossible to please, and never

satisfied. Its heart-breaking to realize that your relationship with your

" nada " /bpd mother has basically been a very one-way relationship, with you doing

all the giving and your mother doing all the receiving.

>

> Each of us has to find our own path to healing and acceptance, as different

paths work for different people. Its a very individual choice, whether Limited

or Low Contact With Boundaries works best for you, or whether NO Contact (either

temporarily or permanently) works best for you. Or, whether you need to wait and

let things stay as they are until you feel ready to make a change.

>

> Educating yourself about the Cluster B personality disorders and about

Borderline pd in particular can help you cope, because when you are able to

accept that this is a real, genuine, full-blown mental illness it helps you take

their negative behaviors less personally. You didn't make your mom the way she

is, you can't cure her, and you can't make her change. All you CAN do is change

the way you yourself will respond to her negative, manipulative, destructive

behaviors.

>

> There are lots of good books available now about understanding Borderline PD,

about overcoming unhealthy codependent feelings in unhealthy relationships,

about setting boundaries with pd loved ones... there is a reading list at the

home site of this Group, at BPD Central.

>

> I recommend " Understanding The Borderline Mother " , and there are other good

books you'll see recommended here from time to time.

>

> I'm sorry you are hurting; having an abusive, bpd mother or father or sibling

hurts. Our journey to peace and healing includes learning and accepting that its

OK to protect ourselves from someone who chronically mistreats us, uses us, and

hurts us. Its OK to step away from the hot stove to keep it from burning you.

>

> -Annie

>

>

> >

> > Hi, I am Twyla,

> >

> > I have recently discovered more about my mother and WHO and WHY she behaves

as she does.

> >

> > I am brand new to this forum.

> >

> > What does Nada stand for?

> >

> > My mother and I are for first time on no contact....my choice...she probably

likes it as then she does not have to face me...the truth.

> >

> > My relationship with her culminated two weeks ago after a series of unreal

behavior from her showing little caring about my husbands mom passing.....the

fact my husbands brother cheated him out of his moms Will.......and the

latest....moms anger TO ME because my recently deceased Uncle ( her only loving

close relative at the time) left myself and my cousin in charge of all powers of

duty and left us more money than he left her.

> >

> > My moms mother died at an early age...and I have parented mom most of my

life...as I felt so sorry for her......the last few years I have asked for help

in kind.....she minimizes me and my issues.....we fight...she hangs up and

always blames me for any disagreement. She always tells me SHE IS THE MOTHER and

how dare I speak this way to her.

> >

> > She is 85 and thank god lives 800 miles away.

> >

> > My childhood was fraught with abuse from father and mother did little to

stop or change things...she hid all her life.....yet over time I pit all that

away and I thought forgave her.......I was healing all I could during this time

from panic disorder.

> >

> > I helped her emotionally with my father...and my whacked brother....for

years........mind you my brother was beaten bad and in turn he beat me....father

beat me also but brother was far worse.

> >

> > All was kept secret for years.....and mom still wants this. When I started

to heal more from years of Agoraphobia, about 4 years ago, I started to ask her

of the past.....she would always get mad.

> >

> > This last year I had forced the issue and she told me NONE OF THE ABUSE I

SPOKE OF EVER HAPPENED!

> >

> > I have two kids now in early 20' s that are great and husband for 30

years......I am blessed and was determined not to raise my kids like they did.

She is jealous of so much of me.

> >

> > But silly me kept trying to get love from her.....we had more of a phone

relationship for years than anything. My dad is dead now over ten years.. I was

sending her money....gifts....flowers....she would call me for years almost

every night crying about something. I was there.

> >

> > Now she is so mad AT ME cause uncle left Will, not to her.

> >

> > My brother takes from her and she let's him and he is an alcoholic. He

cannot sustain relationships. She let's him stay when he comes out almost every

month.

> >

> > I am never invited out there...and she had not come here for eleven years.

Her excuses are: she cannot see off the plane, but goes to Mexico etc., my kids

do not need her now as they are older and have girlfriends and their computers,

what would she do all day as she will be alone while we work. When I do see her

at her apartment, she picks n me all the time....my hair is too blonde, my

nails...my heels too high.......why is my graduated son not in the police force

yet, why do we spend so much time with our kids, why are the kids still at home

etc.....

> >

> > She never invites me there.

> >

> > The last conversation we had was Thanksgiving......whacked brother was

there. I did not want to speak with her although she always calls on

holidays......she had not this time. I asked husband to call her to tell her I

had chest pains.....I did....the classic pre heart attack signs being monitored

by my health care people........I wanted hereto know I was not well plus I

thought from husband she would listen more. I had just recently lost my job also

so the stress of all was not healthy for me. I was very sick and am now some

better and have a job yes!

> >

> > He called and told her...she didn't ask any questions....but acknowledged

she heard him. I was insane with anger after husbands report to me.

> >

> > I called her, I was so angry and crying to her that I couldn't believe she

could be that insensitive to my condition......also I told her, husband felt she

wasn't really concerned. Her last words were.... " I do not have to put up with

this anymore and you can tell husband to goto hell " .

> >

> > I felt the final betrayal. I called back...she wouldn't answer her

phone.......so I left a message, crying saying the same thing again about her

insensitivity......and that SHE could go to hell.

> >

> > No a call from her since to see how I am....nothing. After years of being

there for her.....all the crap we went through as kids.......nothing.

> >

> > Comment would be soooooo welcome.

> >

> >

> > Blessings to all of you

> >

> >

> > Twyla

> >

> >

> >

> >

> >

> > Sent from my iPad

> >

>

>