Nada Denial! Help!

[Guest guest]

Hi,

I am a current posting member who decided to make myself more anonymous, sorry I

got paranoid!

(backstory)

Nada started acting like a crazy BP after I got pregnant with my son. She has

been visiting frequently, she lives out of town and has been coming every 2

months. She is a Narcissistic Queen and thinks she has legal rights to my son,

(she has none) . The trips always ended in Nada picking fights, her yelling,

emotional blackmail, and blaming me. We tried boundaries and she disrespected

them, refusing to come for less time or less frequently. She is a bully and

frequently uses guilt tactics. It all blew up after we started calling her on

her boundaries and enforcing them. The whole thing ended with me going NC for 3

months after long rambling guilt letters and Nada yelling at husband. During

this time I pulled myself together and tightened up the boundary situation by

deciding to go LC with her. No phone calls, email contact only, no trips, and

once a month skype with my son.

Setting these boundaries was the hardest thing I ever did (felt like I was

hurting her, and had to realize I wasn't) but I feel pretty good right now. The

support of this group has been amazing for me and really helped my confidence, I

T'd up and got the help I needed, and now it's finally paying off. It was hard

for me to realize that I no longer need my mother's love, as it's conditional to

me being compliant. And I am realizing now that I am responsible for my own

limits, and also mama bear came out, as my mom was trying to punish my son by

withdrawing her love for him when I didn't do exactly what she demanded. I won't

tolerate my son being used as a pawn. I am feeling less angry because I feel

that I have boundaries to keep me safe from her. I am still very sad about where

things are because I wish Nada was the mom I need, but she is not and it's not

my fault.

So I was feeling good about my new boundary letter that I sent, and here was the

response I got from Nada and Dad:

" Of course we would like to have a good relationship with you. But we need to

know just how we bullied our way into your lives and why we are toxic. Please

explain and we will not use your explanation to defend our behavior but to

correct it. If we don't understand exactly how we are offending you then we may

repeat it unknowingly.

I will need (husband's) e-mail address in order to set up skype time with (son).

Love, Mom "

So at first glance, it almost seems civil. No demands, no threats, no guilt.

But after all this she claims she has no idea how we got to this point? Has she

lost her mind? I seriously can't believe she has no Effin clue. This screams

passive aggressive to me. It's INSULTING! We have explained the boundary

violations to her, and told her the fighting was the toxic. So now I feel that

she is basically asking for us to confront her AGAIN with why we are angry, and

she is saying that they will listen and not react? This seems hard to believe. I

am feeling suspicious of the request and I really don't want to waste any

emotional energy on her.

This ALMOST feels like they could be picking a fight. It's like they are saying,

(we deny EVERYTHING), and it screams* NOT taking any responsibility* to me. This

is the attitude that is going to keep them exactly where they are, skyping with

(son), and no visits. I am honestly irritated that I have to deal with this,

could she be in some kind of borderline denial? She seems no where near an

apology or responsibility taking behavior. So tell me what you think....she is

living in denial town?

I feel conflicted about responding. If we explain to her AGAIN, why her behavior

is wrong, do we risk getting yelled at AGAIN, confronting her in the past never

worked. So why would it now? But here she is asking, so I am tempted to lay it

all out for her. On the flip side I almost feel like why bother.

So what do you guys think, how bad would it be if I didn't even respond? This

looks like a lose/lose to me. But this is pretty unusual behavior even for her.

Thanks,

Janet