visits with bpd dad upsetting

[Guest guest]

I'm new to this group. I'm 18 and my father has BPD. My mom filed for divorce a

year ago from him. She'd finally had enough, when my only sibling, a brother 21,

started coming home from college on weekends and opening up to my mom for the

first time in his life about how dad has always told him never to trust his mom,

she never loved him, etc. It was talking together that gave my mom the courage

to file for divorce and made my brother realize how screwed over by my dad he

always was, and that dad kept him from having a relationship with our mom.My

father always ranted and raved when upset; mostly at me or mom. Now my bro wants

nothing to do with him, and dad sees me every other weekend. I hate to go half

the time, because he just runs down mom, brother, and anyone else he thinks is

against him. I feel he has no one else. I do love him, but I've had a history of

the past few years of depression (I'm on antidepressants) and cutting from

stress. I've recently relapsed with cutting. My boyfriend now stays over the

weekends I have to go to dad's, so I feel protected. Dad won't rant if someone

else is there. But I can't stop dad's ranting and now he's critical of me and

tells me often. My friend says it'd be great if I could not see him if he does

those things, but I know if I do, and when I go back to see him after a time of,

it'll only be worse on me. I'm in therapy but it's not helping in this matter.

What to do? I do love him.

[Guest guest]

>But I can't stop dad's ranting and now he's critical of me and tells me often.

My friend says it'd be great if I could not see him if he does those things, but

I know if I do, and when I go back to see him after a time of, it'll only be

worse on me. I'm in therapy but it's not helping in this matter. What to do? I

do love him.

>

I can hear how much you care about your father, and how conflicted you are

because you know being around him is not healthy for you.

We KOs are trained from an early age to believe that it's our job to take care

of our parents' feelings. But in reality, that's not true.

It sounds like it is not just annoying or inconvenient to be around your father;

he is causing you enough emotional stress that you are self-injuring and feeling

depressed. I think I agree with your friend that the best thing for you would be

to limit your time with your father, and leave immediately if he begins to abuse

you (calling you names and criticizing you qualifies).

You are 18, which means you are an adult. As an adult, you get to choose whom

you spend your time with. I understand you are afraid that if you leave, your

father will behave worse the next time you see him. What you may have to realize

is that you do not have to go back for a next time.

Your father is also an adult. He is capable of seeking help when he is unhappy

with his relationships, and he is capable of finding himself a support system of

his own. That responsibility is not yours, it's his. It is not your job to make

sure your father has someone in his life. It's his job to behave in such a way

that people will want to stick around.

I understand how difficult it is to start to think about pulling away from a

parent with BPD, especially when you are still feeling responsible for them and

feel guilty about the idea of leaving them. But you need to take care of

yourself if you want to have any emotional energy left to care of someone else.

You deserve to be protected and loved. Can you give that gift to yourself?

Sveta

[Guest guest]

I think Sveta has given you some great insight.

Just some perspective from an older person: my BPD mom has been verbally ranting

about my dad since I was 8. I'm now 40. They were married for 14 years and she's

been bitching about him for more than 30. He is an ass, but that's beside the

point. The point is, no one can even bring up his name without her unleashing a

verbal river of poison about him. I realized about 20 years ago that it will

never stop. I know you love your dad and you want him to be nicer and happier,

but that's for him to figure out. You can't do it for him. And if he's BPD, you

may need to begin adjusting to the idea that he'll never get better and he may

very well never be content or happy. You have every right to protect yourself

from that kind of negativity, even if it's coming from a parent. Parents are

supposed to nurture us, not poison us.

> >But I can't stop dad's ranting and now he's critical of me and tells me

often. My friend says it'd be great if I could not see him if he does those

things, but I know if I do, and when I go back to see him after a time of, it'll

only be worse on me. I'm in therapy but it's not helping in this matter. What to

do? I do love him.

> >

>

> I can hear how much you care about your father, and how conflicted you are

because you know being around him is not healthy for you.

>

> We KOs are trained from an early age to believe that it's our job to take care

of our parents' feelings. But in reality, that's not true.

>

> It sounds like it is not just annoying or inconvenient to be around your

father; he is causing you enough emotional stress that you are self-injuring and

feeling depressed. I think I agree with your friend that the best thing for you

would be to limit your time with your father, and leave immediately if he begins

to abuse you (calling you names and criticizing you qualifies).

>

> You are 18, which means you are an adult. As an adult, you get to choose whom

you spend your time with. I understand you are afraid that if you leave, your

father will behave worse the next time you see him. What you may have to realize

is that you do not have to go back for a next time.

>

> Your father is also an adult. He is capable of seeking help when he is unhappy

with his relationships, and he is capable of finding himself a support system of

his own. That responsibility is not yours, it's his. It is not your job to make

sure your father has someone in his life. It's his job to behave in such a way

that people will want to stick around.

>

> I understand how difficult it is to start to think about pulling away from a

parent with BPD, especially when you are still feeling responsible for them and

feel guilty about the idea of leaving them. But you need to take care of

yourself if you want to have any emotional energy left to care of someone else.

>

> You deserve to be protected and loved. Can you give that gift to yourself?

>

> Sveta

>