Sorry I haven't been around much

[Guest guest]

I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got into

UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For a

few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how much

baggage the book brought to the surface.

However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time, feeling

very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief that

life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been realizing

all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I have felt

more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am truly happy

with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I have just let

'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old KO

standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead of

kicking it to the curb!

The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where my

mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

[Guest guest]

(((((Echobabe)))))

I hope this period of sadness, or grief/mourning, or depression will pass for

you soon.

Feeling depressed really, really sucks, big time.

-Annie

>

> I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

>

> However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

>

> The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

>

> Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

>

[Guest guest]

Oh gosh echobabe I'm sorry to hear what's happening to you. Meditation can be

really powerful stuff and actually for us it can be a huge thing to do. Some

meditation techniques are as powerful as freewriting and without what I think is

called 'containment' can cause issues like re-traumatisation, overwhelming grief

and all sorts. I like meditation and what it can do I'm just concerned that in a

way you are not in a gentle environment i.e. going deep dive into insight

meditation. Talk to your class leader about gentle ways to do insight

meditation.

I don't know if this helps but I've just returned home from a meditation week

but because of what I learnt about myself and BPD etc here I was extra careful

with myself. So I turned the meditation sessions into more of a period of time

where I could be with an imaginary mentor type person that totally let me be me

(no yelling, telling me I'm selfish etc), and learn to be vaunerable without

being hurt and secondly I didn't always attend the sessions so that I could walk

or write in my journal instead. I tried other forms of meditation and I can

understand how they are helpful and don't wish to discourage if you are finding

it helpful please just watch out for the intensity. I hope you find a technique

that is gentle with yourself.

>

> I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

>

> However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

>

> The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

>

> Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

>

[Guest guest]

I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader. Never in a

million years did I think something like meditation would take me into this kind

of place--but after reading your post it makes complete sense.

I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of myself--either

physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did with this meditation

class. I've also come out of the pit enough to recognize that their must be some

growth coming from all this pain--I just haven't figured it out yet.

Thank you.

> >

> > I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

> >

> > However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

> >

> > The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

> >

> > Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

Yes, it really, really does. Thanks~

> >

> > I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

> >

> > However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

> >

> > The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

> >

> > Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

> >

>

[Guest guest]

(((Echo))) thanks for sharing from your heart. I'm so sorry, truly, for all the

pain you're going through. I am so, so proud of you, though, for facing it and

working through it. I know you're going to be an even stronger and more

authentic Echo for it. I wish I had your courage most days!

>

> I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

>

> However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

>

> The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

>

> Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

>

[Guest guest]

My pleasure, and I'm glad you felt able to talk to your teacher and hope you

find something that suits you. And after all the help I've received on this

board I'm just grateful I can offer a little something back.

>

> I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader. Never in a

million years did I think something like meditation would take me into this kind

of place--but after reading your post it makes complete sense.

>

> I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of myself--either

physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did with this meditation

class. I've also come out of the pit enough to recognize that their must be some

growth coming from all this pain--I just haven't figured it out yet.

>

> Thank you.

>

[Guest guest]

Hi Echo, what did you decide to do? I've found meditation very helpful but

it's tricky because like you say it makes you aware of what you've been

repressing. Sometimes we repress things for good reasons! Seems the trick

would be to pace yourself so that you don't unrepress too fast.

eliza

>

> I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader. Never in a

million years did I think something like meditation would take me into this kind

of place--but after reading your post it makes complete sense.

>

> I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of myself--either

physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did with this meditation

class. I've also come out of the pit enough to recognize that their must be some

growth coming from all this pain--I just haven't figured it out yet.

>

> Thank you.

>

>

[Guest guest]

Contacting you guys here and then my meditation leader in itself was a new step

for me---as a KO, I do not usually reach out. I normally hide when I am ill

(i.e., never show a vulnerability). I think just the reaching out alone gave me

strength. My teacher sent me some readings, 1 really hit home, and recommended

some books on forgiveness of myself and others.

I've read so much about personality disorders, bad parenting, and being the

child of insecure attachment--I think maybe forgiveness should be the next read.

I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and just trying to be kind and

patient with myself. At least I am not feeling agony anymore, just tender and

bruised. Backed off some on the meditation to be safe, but am now convinced it

is a powerful a tool in surfacing trauma.

> >

> > I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader. Never in a

million years did I think something like meditation would take me into this kind

of place--but after reading your post it makes complete sense.

> >

> > I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of myself--either

physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did with this meditation

class. I've also come out of the pit enough to recognize that their must be some

growth coming from all this pain--I just haven't figured it out yet.

> >

> > Thank you.

> >

> >

>

[Guest guest]

I do that too - " never show vulnerability "

What is that all about????

> **

>

>

> Contacting you guys here and then my meditation leader in itself was a new

> step for me---as a KO, I do not usually reach out. I normally hide when I

> am ill (i.e., never show a vulnerability). I think just the reaching out

> alone gave me strength. My teacher sent me some readings, 1 really hit

> home, and recommended some books on forgiveness of myself and others.

>

> I've read so much about personality disorders, bad parenting, and being

> the child of insecure attachment--I think maybe forgiveness should be the

> next read.

>

> I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel, and just trying to be kind and

> patient with myself. At least I am not feeling agony anymore, just tender

> and bruised. Backed off some on the meditation to be safe, but am now

> convinced it is a powerful a tool in surfacing trauma.

>

>

> > >

> > > I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader.

> Never in a million years did I think something like meditation would take

> me into this kind of place--but after reading your post it makes complete

> sense.

> > >

> > > I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of

> myself--either physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did

> with this meditation class. I've also come out of the pit enough to

> recognize that their must be some growth coming from all this pain--I just

> haven't figured it out yet.

> > >

> > > Thank you.

> > >

> > >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

((((((((((hugs, Echobabe))))))))))))

You are strong and fantastic and are doing the right thing for you. We all

support you and are so proud of you. You're taking on a difficult challenge and

while painful, will do you a lot of good in the end.

-Clefairy

>

> I have been going through a bit of a crash and burn. This started as I got

into UTBM and started taking classes in Insight Meditation at the same time. For

a few weeks this helped me, by keeping me grounded in the 'now' no matter how

much baggage the book brought to the surface.

>

> However at this point I am barely functioning. I am crying all the time,

feeling very beat up, pissed on by life. My mother did raise me with the belief

that life is too hard--and through this stupid meditation class I have been

realizing all the pain at my core--pain I usually ignore. I don't know when I

have felt more depressed. On top of that, there is very little in my life I am

truly happy with--some is out of my control but there are plenty of things I

have just let 'happen' because I couldn't make a choice or take a stand. The old

KO standby--adapt around a problem until you are standing on your head instead

of kicking it to the curb!

>

> The good news is I barely give a thought to nada/fada these days--probably

because I am so busy feeling sorry for myself.

>

> Anyway, I didn't come here looking for fixing. But I did want to share where

my mind is at with the only group of people on the planet who can possibly

understand. Love and hugs to you all ;-)

>

[Guest guest]

I'm terrible at it too. I have a hard time leaning on others, or even admitting

that I'm having a hard time. It's made what I've been going through for the

past few years a lot harder. It also makes it hard for me to open up to my

husband. In part because I feel like a lot of this is a bit too overwhelming

for him (my family really did a number on him as well...long story). Also,

instead of feeling vulnerable and letting him know how sad something he does

makes me feel I instantly act angry. Obviously this doesn't get me anywhere...

> > > >

> > > > I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader.

> > Never in a million years did I think something like meditation would take

> > me into this kind of place--but after reading your post it makes complete

> > sense.

> > > >

> > > > I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of

> > myself--either physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did

> > with this meditation class. I've also come out of the pit enough to

> > recognize that their must be some growth coming from all this pain--I just

> > haven't figured it out yet.

> > > >

> > > > Thank you.

> > > >

> > > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Re the issue of never asking for help, and never admitting anything is wrong:

In my own case, I think that can be traced directly back to being shamed and

humiliated for asking for help as a child and young person. Even something as

trivial as asking " how do you spell (word)? " when I was doing my homework would

get me shamed and called lazy or stupid and told to " Go look it up in the

dictionary " in a cold, condescending tone. Even as a tiny child I was expected

to understand how to do some new task immediately and would be shamed, screamed

at or otherwise abused if I just didn't understand it.

So I was conditioned over a long period of time to never ask for anything, never

admit that I was in trouble, needed help, felt ill, was injured, was sad, wanted

comforting, etc. My mother was basically emotionally absent for me.

She could be affectionate and thoughtful and kind but only on her own terms, on

her whim.

She always did her duty as a mother but it was sort of " by the book. " We were

properly fed, clothed, cleaned, had a well-kept home, regular medical care,

toys... all the physical care taking was there, but, from my point of view it

was as though nada felt like she was making a huge effort and getting nothing in

return. I always had the impression that I was a disappointment to her because

I wasn't famous, and that my nada resented that all her efforts were not gaining

her public fame and applause and wealth by being the mother of famous celebrity

kids or something.

So, I get where you're coming from.

-Annie

> > > > >

> > > > > I took your advice, Lavender, and contacted my meditation leader.

> > > Never in a million years did I think something like meditation would take

> > > me into this kind of place--but after reading your post it makes complete

> > > sense.

> > > > >

> > > > > I don't know why I always end up beating the hell out of

> > > myself--either physically by exercising too hard or mentally like I did

> > > with this meditation class. I've also come out of the pit enough to

> > > recognize that their must be some growth coming from all this pain--I just

> > > haven't figured it out yet.

> > > > >

> > > > > Thank you.

> > > > >

> > > > >

> > > >

> > >

> > >

> > >

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

Me too, the angry response is my defense against painful/fearful situations. All

it gets me is people PO'd. I am trying to recognize this mode so that I can

articulate my needs to people better without defaulting to anger.

The problem is, I have to feel comfortable feeling vulnerable FIRST, before

letting my guard down. That means only real close people I trust. I am trying to

widen this sphere, but it is really hard to let old programming go.

I am 100% convinced just us talking about this is helping us. As is the

recognition that any emotion other than anger was not appropriate to show in our

FOO. Sometimes not even anger if it was directed at nada. This is in actuality

just a really bad FLEA.

> >

> > I do that too - " never show vulnerability "

> >

[Guest guest]

re: shame

In my family the kids were often laughed at for not knowing something, or if it

was just nada in the room, sarcastic disgust might be the reaction.

It makes me just want to cry thinking about an adult aiming such hatred at an

innocent child, and then it makes me angry. I am sorry you had that, Annie.

((hugs))

Elise

>

> Re the issue of never asking for help, and never admitting anything is wrong:

>

> In my own case, I think that can be traced directly back to being shamed and

humiliated for asking for help as a child and young person. Even something as

trivial as asking " how do you spell (word)? " when I was doing my homework would

get me shamed and called lazy or stupid and told to " Go look it up in the

dictionary " in a cold, condescending tone. Even as a tiny child I was expected

to understand how to do some new task immediately and would be shamed, screamed

at or otherwise abused if I just didn't understand it.

>

> So I was conditioned over a long period of time to never ask for anything,

never admit that I was in trouble, needed help, felt ill, was injured, was sad,

wanted comforting, etc. My mother was basically emotionally absent for me.

>

> She could be affectionate and thoughtful and kind but only on her own terms,

on her whim.

>

> She always did her duty as a mother but it was sort of " by the book. " We were

properly fed, clothed, cleaned, had a well-kept home, regular medical care,

toys... all the physical care taking was there, but, from my point of view it

was as though nada felt like she was making a huge effort and getting nothing in

return. I always had the impression that I was a disappointment to her because

I wasn't famous, and that my nada resented that all her efforts were not gaining

her public fame and applause and wealth by being the mother of famous celebrity

kids or something.

>

> So, I get where you're coming from.

>

> -Annie

>