Understanding my childhood and me today

November 1, 2011

Hi everyone,

I would like some feedback and to know if anyone else has gone through this kind

of experience.

I've been taking a lot of inventory of myself and have realized that a big part

of my personality, since my childhood, has been escape. Simply put, I am a

recovering avoider. I like to live in my head. Maybe it began as an attempt to

get away from my parents' constant arguments and bickering and my mother's

intrusiveness, smothering (and at the same time, lack of affection), maybe to

not face ugly things in my family, I don't know.

I loved to imagine worlds in my mind where there was love, and romance, and

rescuing. I loved Harlequin novels and read as many as I could. I read ANYthing

just to not be where I was. Bottom line: I always wanted to be someone else and

somewhere else. I was very bad at relating to others. But inside me, that was

different.

I would create elaborate scenarios in my mind of me conquering crime and falling

in love with Batman (I was little, ok?!). As I got older, the need for this kind

of escapism would increase and I was no longer the leading lady. It was usually

some celebrity who was much prettier and thinner than me. Instead of Batman, it

was Lennon or Sting; but again, it was never me who was the leading lady. I

guess, even in my head, I wasn't good enough for the lead.

Part of my escapism also involved lots and lots of food. I just wanted to become

numb to my surroundings and not have to engage with the reality of my life. I

was very lonely - no sleep overs, after school events, or friends allowed at my

house. My parents wouldn't allow it. I would shove in as much food as I could:

Twinkies, Suzy Qs, half a pack of hot dogs, a box of Corn Flakes and a dozen

donuts.

I was a latchkey kid and would fantasize in school about how many packs of candy

bars I could pick up on the way home from school. Our neighborhood was not the

nicest. There was quite a bit of drug activity and other illegal stuff going on

in front of our apartment complex. I'm sure that was another reason for my

wanting to escape in any way possible from the reality of going home to an empty

apartment, knowing my parents, upon coming home from work, would either be

disengaged from one another and me, or be arguing with one another. I felt that

as long as I went unnoticed by them, it was good. Being noticed by them meant

being criticized, scrutinized, questioned, etc. Being invisible was good. Cue

the show in my head, and bring on 2 packs of Kit Kats, 2 Snickers, more Suzy Qs,

and a box of cookies. My T at one point had asked me to talk to the child who

would come home on her own and who sat in front of the tv with little positive

human contact. I

just couldn't. Every time I would try, it was too painful. I didn't know what

to say to her.

My family moved when I was in my senior year in high school. Most kids would

have been distraught to be taken away from their high school and friends in

their last year (and I wasn't thrilled at first), but for me, it was fantastic!

I made new friends and since I was older and the neighborhood was better, my

parents were a little more ok with me being with my friends (just a little more

ok; not that much!). I was busy in school, busy applying to colleges, I was

happy! I lived away at college. I. Loved. It. For the first time in my life, I

felt free and happy and ok to be me. I had to hide how happy I was from my

mother, she was so distraught and freaked that I was leaving. I noticed how

scared and homesick my roommates were. Not me. I was in heaven! I didn't turn to

my silly inside performances or food (well, I did eat quite a bit; but it was

really more of that college social eating than anxiety eating).

So, I realize looking back that full life and full mind = less need for

self-soothing through fluffy fantasies and numbing amounts of food.

This fullness of life and mind carried on for ten years, up until after I'd been

married a while ...when the need for my MentalPeace Theater took hold again. I

loved being married to my husband (and am still married to my wonderful man).

He's one of the best people I know. I think I was wholly unprepared, though, for

marriage, for the compromises involved, for getting to know the other person's

moods, etc. I did what I do when I'm faced with situations that scare me and

take me out of my comfort zone: I would hide, avoid, compartmentalize, put it

away somewhere in my mind where I could tuck it away, the way someone else might

blast the tv or radio to not have to hear some other noise. And I would eat a

lot.

That's how it has worked for me until recently--a few months ago--when I felt

like I woke up from a fuzzy dream and realized I'm dreaming my life away, that

I'm not fully living a real life. All my life, if I thought about something

pleasant involving a romantic situation, drama, tragedy, it would dull my

experience of an UNpleasant thing in my life that was taking place. It was a

mechanism that worked for me as a child but that I have been turning to as an

adult. As my kids grew older and I had to interact more with other people, it

terrified me and I noticed how difficult that was for me, how scary it was. It's

like a muscle I hadn't used in decades and now it was forced to be used

nonstop.

Finally after all these years of more of the same, of on and off of turning to

this childhood tool that comforted and soothed me through so much turmoil and

distress and fear and loneliness, I finally feel like God is saying, " when? when

will you put away this security blanket? it's no longer useful to you. You have

me now. I can comfort you and give you peace much more than your imaginings

can. "

I can finally see how turning to this false form of temporary escape has been

directly connected to food and emotional eating for me. All these years, I

wondered....why? why do I eat so much? why do I turn to food FIRST the moment I

feel any distress or anger or just any feelings of any kind?? A big piece of the

puzzle was filled in when I really began to look back and take inventory of

myself.

I feel like I' m in recovery, aware of my weaknesses, of triggers that could

potentially set me off. I like myself much more. I like meeting new people more.

I definitely still need my personal space...but that's ok.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening to my story. I have not shared

this with any one really. I think it makes me sound really wacky and coo-coo.

I'm glad to finally share it with you all and look forward to any feedback,

shared experience, etc.

thanks,

Fiona

November 1, 2011

Fiona,

You have made great strides in understanding your emotional hiding via

eating/fantasies/avoidance etc. It is not unusual to escape hideous

circumstances with these methods. However, as you said, it's time to start

living your life - without hiding behind food and fantasy.

I went through somewhat similar avoidance tactics, and didn't really begin to

" wake up " until I was well into my 20s, and then went through therapy in my 40s.

Thank goodness I had the opportunity to do therapy! What a godsend that was --

difficult -- but so very helpful. I realize that not everyone has that

opportunity, whether a good therapist is not in your area, cost, time, whatever.

But this blog provides much support and help.

Overcoming a lifetime of childhood coping is a difficult task. But your eyes

are open to what you have been doing -- that's a MAJOR part of the battle. And

now it's time to start finding healthier ways to cope. I wish you well in your

quest to find peace and healthy living.

S.

>

> Hi everyone,

>

> I would like some feedback and to know if anyone else has gone through this

kind of experience.

>

> I've been taking a lot of inventory of myself and have realized that a big

part of my personality, since my childhood, has been escape. Simply put, I am a

recovering avoider. I like to live in my head. Maybe it began as an attempt to

get away from my parents' constant arguments and bickering and my mother's

intrusiveness, smothering (and at the same time, lack of affection), maybe to

not face ugly things in my family, I don't know.

>

> I loved to imagine worlds in my mind where there was love, and romance, and

rescuing. I loved Harlequin novels and read as many as I could. I read ANYthing

just to not be where I was. Bottom line: I always wanted to be someone else and

somewhere else. I was very bad at relating to others. But inside me, that was

different.

>

> I would create elaborate scenarios in my mind of me conquering crime and

falling in love with Batman (I was little, ok?!). As I got older, the need for

this kind of escapism would increase and I was no longer the leading lady. It

was usually some celebrity who was much prettier and thinner than me. Instead of

Batman, it was Lennon or Sting; but again, it was never me who was the

leading lady. I guess, even in my head, I wasn't good enough for the lead.

>

> Part of my escapism also involved lots and lots of food. I just wanted to

become numb to my surroundings and not have to engage with the reality of my

life. I was very lonely - no sleep overs, after school events, or friends

allowed at my house. My parents wouldn't allow it. I would shove in as much food

as I could: Twinkies, Suzy Qs, half a pack of hot dogs, a box of Corn Flakes and

a dozen donuts.

>

> I was a latchkey kid and would fantasize in school about how many packs of

candy bars I could pick up on the way home from school. Our neighborhood was

not the nicest. There was quite a bit of drug activity and other illegal stuff

going on in front of our apartment complex. I'm sure that was another reason for

my wanting to escape in any way possible from the reality of going home to an

empty apartment, knowing my parents, upon coming home from work, would either be