Disturbed by something I found today

[Guest guest]

I'm posting here about this because I don't know where else to post.

Several months ago, hubby & I attended a wedding for a friend of mine.

They had a photo booth there so we had our pictures taken. I put the

strip of 3 pictures on the fridge, near the top. Today I went into the

fridge to get something to drink and I noticed that it looked like someone

tried to draw a little blue mustache on my picture. Upon closer

inspection, it does in fact look like someone tried to draw on the picture,

but like the pen wouldn't work, so there are all these sort of

scratches/indentations over my face in the picture.

The only people who spend any considerable amount of time in this house are

my husband and his 2 kids on the weekends. My 5 year old step son is not

tall enough to have reached the photo, and my 11 year old step daughter has

a history of scratching out people's faces on magazines and stuff which in

and of it's self is disturbing. But now, to find my picture scratched like

that is really unsettling.

I have no idea what would have made her do that. I've been loving to both

of those kids. Yes, I do have to discipline sometimes, mostly my step son,

and sometimes she gets protective. But my punishments consist of him

getting a time out and then we talk. Hubby & I don't yell very often at

all, we try to talk. Now I am just very concerned.

I told hubby a while ago that I was getting a weird vibe from my step

daughter and this just kind of sinks that in even more. There's just no

one else it could have been.

The kids have been in therapy for a while now. To my knowledge she has not

mentioned anything to the therapist about any issues with me.

Like I told hubby today, step daughter doesn't have to like me but this is

my home and she does have to respect me and our belongings. But it doesn't

change that I'm very hurt by this. Or, I could just be over reacting

because today is my first day of trying to quit smoking. I was doing good

until I saw that and now I'm really wanting a cig, but not going to smoke.

Have patches. Will survive.

Anyway, any thoughts/advice on this would be helpful. It makes me worry

that her mother might be saying things to her about hubby & I that's making

her turn against us. As I've said before, I think their mother is uBPD.

Help?

Mia

[Guest guest]

My first thought... Is there a way for you to unobtrusively set up a " nanny cam "

in the kitchen, then place another picture of yourself (similar to the other

one) on the fridge, to record if this happens again?

That way you will have real evidence regarding whether or not someone in your

family is exhibiting passive-aggressive or indirect/covert hostility toward you.

Or, wait until you can be sure there is a real *pattern* of passive-aggressive,

hostile behavior on the part of your step-daughter; one incident is kind of

vague and can be plausibly explained, but a pattern of repeated behaviors tells

the real tale.

People engage in passive-aggressive behavior when they are afraid of risk;

they're afraid of their target's anger, their target's power to retaliate, or

they fear losing their target's affection; people engage in passive-aggressive

behavior when they feel that its not safe for them to speak openly or directly

about their hurt or anger.

I'm guessing that your instincts are probably correct, but, I also think its

better to err on the side of caution before acting on this, as it could cause

bad feelings between you and your step-daughter if its actually not her.

Just my two cent's worth.

Congratulations on beginning a stop-smoking program! My Sister struggled to

stop smoking, and she's very glad she did finally succeed. Interestingly, my

nada had been a life-long heavy smoker but when she was diagnosed with COPD she

simply stopped smoking totally, cold turkey. I found it uncanny that my nada

could exert such tremendous will-power regarding stopping smoking, and yet

apparently could muster NO will-power whatsoever RE stopping her abusive

behaviors toward her family. (I'm guessing that nada felt *entitled* to lash

out at us, perhaps?)

-Annie

>

> I'm posting here about this because I don't know where else to post.

>

> Several months ago, hubby & I attended a wedding for a friend of mine.

> They had a photo booth there so we had our pictures taken. I put the

> strip of 3 pictures on the fridge, near the top. Today I went into the

> fridge to get something to drink and I noticed that it looked like someone

> tried to draw a little blue mustache on my picture. Upon closer

> inspection, it does in fact look like someone tried to draw on the picture,

> but like the pen wouldn't work, so there are all these sort of

> scratches/indentations over my face in the picture.

>

> The only people who spend any considerable amount of time in this house are

> my husband and his 2 kids on the weekends. My 5 year old step son is not

> tall enough to have reached the photo, and my 11 year old step daughter has

> a history of scratching out people's faces on magazines and stuff which in

> and of it's self is disturbing. But now, to find my picture scratched like

> that is really unsettling.

>

> I have no idea what would have made her do that. I've been loving to both

> of those kids. Yes, I do have to discipline sometimes, mostly my step son,

> and sometimes she gets protective. But my punishments consist of him

> getting a time out and then we talk. Hubby & I don't yell very often at

> all, we try to talk. Now I am just very concerned.

>

> I told hubby a while ago that I was getting a weird vibe from my step

> daughter and this just kind of sinks that in even more. There's just no

> one else it could have been.

>

> The kids have been in therapy for a while now. To my knowledge she has not

> mentioned anything to the therapist about any issues with me.

>

> Like I told hubby today, step daughter doesn't have to like me but this is

> my home and she does have to respect me and our belongings. But it doesn't

> change that I'm very hurt by this. Or, I could just be over reacting

> because today is my first day of trying to quit smoking. I was doing good

> until I saw that and now I'm really wanting a cig, but not going to smoke.

> Have patches. Will survive.

>

> Anyway, any thoughts/advice on this would be helpful. It makes me worry

> that her mother might be saying things to her about hubby & I that's making

> her turn against us. As I've said before, I think their mother is uBPD.

>

> Help?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Thanks Annie. I was struggling with weather or not I should call my T on

this one because at the moment, I do not have any insurance. I told her the

last time that I saw her that I'd be without insurance for a while while I

wait to get to work. (We simply can't afford for hubby to put me on his

plan, it would cost way too much). She had said if I needed anything to

call, so I did call & leave her a voice mail. She just called me back.

She thinks we should be forward with SD (step daughter). Sit down with her

and say, " So, what's up with the picture? " Chances are extremely good that

SD will deny it, but T thinks we should explain that there is no one else

in the house who would have done it. It's just hubby, me, and then SD & SS

on weekends. We did have friends over this weekend to make halloween

cookies with the kids and we were in the kitchen/dining area the whole

time. So really, I hate to say it but it had to be SD. I didn't do it,

hubby didn't do it, and SS isn't tall enough to reach it to have done it.

T also suggested that even if SD doesn't admit to it, to make sure we do

express we love her, but there are expectations when she's in this home.

It is her home too, but it's also my home & hubby's home. So, she said we

should consider expressing that defacing pictures or other property is not

acceptable. And that we should also remind her that she can talk to us any

time. She also suggested talking to the kids' therapist about it. Hubby

hasn't taken them in a while. He doesn't feel like anything's coming out

of it... but the thing is, I do think the kids got something out of it... a

safe place to vent their frustrations in a non-biased environment.

Ugh, so frustrating and difficult. But it honestly couldn't have been

anyone else =\ That's also the only picture of hubby & I up anywhere in

the house.

And thanks for the support with quitting smoking. I had tried & tried all

throughout school with no luck, so I set today as my quit date. It's not

going too bad... yes, got upset over the picture thing, but I have not

smoked. Trying to keep busy to keep my mind off of it.

As an aside, I also checked out " A Child called It " and the other 2 books

in the series from the library. I had started reading the first book at my

school library when I was waiting to help an instructor the other day but

they said I couldn't check it out because I'm no longer a student lol. So,

yay for public libraries =)

Anyway, thank you so much for the input and the support. I think you can

see where my concern is: the behavior is not acceptable, but yes, I do

worry about blatantly blaming her. But logically, it couldn't have been

anyone else =\

Ty again. Mia

On Tue, Nov 1, 2011 at 2:05 PM, anuria67854 wrote:

>

>

> My first thought... Is there a way for you to unobtrusively set up a

> " nanny cam " in the kitchen, then place another picture of yourself (similar

> to the other one) on the fridge, to record if this happens again?

>

> That way you will have real evidence regarding whether or not someone in

> your family is exhibiting passive-aggressive or indirect/covert hostility

> toward you.

>

> Or, wait until you can be sure there is a real *pattern* of

> passive-aggressive, hostile behavior on the part of your step-daughter; one

> incident is kind of vague and can be plausibly explained, but a pattern of

> repeated behaviors tells the real tale.

>

> People engage in passive-aggressive behavior when they are afraid of risk;

> they're afraid of their target's anger, their target's power to retaliate,

> or they fear losing their target's affection; people engage in

> passive-aggressive behavior when they feel that its not safe for them to

> speak openly or directly about their hurt or anger.

>

> I'm guessing that your instincts are probably correct, but, I also think

> its better to err on the side of caution before acting on this, as it could

> cause bad feelings between you and your step-daughter if its actually not

> her.

>

> Just my two cent's worth.

>

> Congratulations on beginning a stop-smoking program! My Sister struggled

> to stop smoking, and she's very glad she did finally succeed.

> Interestingly, my nada had been a life-long heavy smoker but when she was

> diagnosed with COPD she simply stopped smoking totally, cold turkey. I

> found it uncanny that my nada could exert such tremendous will-power

> regarding stopping smoking, and yet apparently could muster NO will-power

> whatsoever RE stopping her abusive behaviors toward her family. (I'm

> guessing that nada felt *entitled* to lash out at us, perhaps?)

>

> -Annie

>

>

>

> >

> > I'm posting here about this because I don't know where else to post.

> >

> > Several months ago, hubby & I attended a wedding for a friend of mine.

> > They had a photo booth there so we had our pictures taken. I put the

> > strip of 3 pictures on the fridge, near the top. Today I went into the

> > fridge to get something to drink and I noticed that it looked like

> someone

> > tried to draw a little blue mustache on my picture. Upon closer

> > inspection, it does in fact look like someone tried to draw on the

> picture,

> > but like the pen wouldn't work, so there are all these sort of

> > scratches/indentations over my face in the picture.

> >

> > The only people who spend any considerable amount of time in this house

> are

> > my husband and his 2 kids on the weekends. My 5 year old step son is not

> > tall enough to have reached the photo, and my 11 year old step daughter

> has

> > a history of scratching out people's faces on magazines and stuff which

> in

> > and of it's self is disturbing. But now, to find my picture scratched

> like

> > that is really unsettling.

> >

> > I have no idea what would have made her do that. I've been loving to both

> > of those kids. Yes, I do have to discipline sometimes, mostly my step

> son,

> > and sometimes she gets protective. But my punishments consist of him

> > getting a time out and then we talk. Hubby & I don't yell very often at

> > all, we try to talk. Now I am just very concerned.

> >

> > I told hubby a while ago that I was getting a weird vibe from my step

> > daughter and this just kind of sinks that in even more. There's just no

> > one else it could have been.

> >

> > The kids have been in therapy for a while now. To my knowledge she has

> not

> > mentioned anything to the therapist about any issues with me.

> >

> > Like I told hubby today, step daughter doesn't have to like me but this

> is

> > my home and she does have to respect me and our belongings. But it

> doesn't

> > change that I'm very hurt by this. Or, I could just be over reacting

> > because today is my first day of trying to quit smoking. I was doing good

> > until I saw that and now I'm really wanting a cig, but not going to

> smoke.

> > Have patches. Will survive.

> >

> > Anyway, any thoughts/advice on this would be helpful. It makes me worry

> > that her mother might be saying things to her about hubby & I that's

> making

> > her turn against us. As I've said before, I think their mother is uBPD.

> >

> > Help?

> >

> > Mia

> >

> >

> >

[Guest guest]

I still am not educated enough about htis disorder, but from my own experience,

my mother (uBPD) would tell me things about my dad and my step-mom which

eventually led to me hating my step-mother and my dad. I was about 8-12 years

old at the time. All I wanted to do was be loyal to my mom, she was my mom and I

loved her and I would have never doubted anything she said. Now looking back I

know it was all lies and manipulation. I think sometimes mothers do this even

when they are not BPD, but like everything else it might just be maginified by

the disorder.

Hopefully it is just a phase, good luck.

[Guest guest]

Hi Mia,

Yes, that would upset me, too, for sure.

I'm wondering if maybe your stepdaughter (I'll call her Jane) may have done it

after something upset her, or as you suggested, maybe her mother said something?

Just my opinion, but I think this would be something good to bring into her

therapy, if it's possible. In other words, something that you and your husband

could discuss with her, not with the goal of discipline or punishment, but

towards understanding what happened that led up to her doing this.

My other thought--and again, it's just my two cents; I know very little about

blended families--is that I wonder if you should be involved in disciplining

them. I know that doesn't make sense but it could explain her behavior.

Especially if you see them just on weekends, maybe your time with them could

focus just on positive sunshiny, fun stuff with them (like you're their fun

Aunt) and your husband could take the bulk of the disciplining responsibility?

I really hope I'm not overstepping my bounds here.

btw, congrats on quitting smoking; I can imagine how hard that must be.

>

> I'm posting here about this because I don't know where else to post.

>

> Several months ago, hubby & I attended a wedding for a friend of mine.

> They had a photo booth there so we had our pictures taken. I put the

> strip of 3 pictures on the fridge, near the top. Today I went into the

> fridge to get something to drink and I noticed that it looked like someone

> tried to draw a little blue mustache on my picture. Upon closer

> inspection, it does in fact look like someone tried to draw on the picture,

> but like the pen wouldn't work, so there are all these sort of

> scratches/indentations over my face in the picture.

>

> The only people who spend any considerable amount of time in this house are

> my husband and his 2 kids on the weekends. My 5 year old step son is not

> tall enough to have reached the photo, and my 11 year old step daughter has

> a history of scratching out people's faces on magazines and stuff which in

> and of it's self is disturbing. But now, to find my picture scratched like

> that is really unsettling.

>

> I have no idea what would have made her do that. I've been loving to both

> of those kids. Yes, I do have to discipline sometimes, mostly my step son,

> and sometimes she gets protective. But my punishments consist of him

> getting a time out and then we talk. Hubby & I don't yell very often at

> all, we try to talk. Now I am just very concerned.

>

> I told hubby a while ago that I was getting a weird vibe from my step

> daughter and this just kind of sinks that in even more. There's just no

> one else it could have been.

>

> The kids have been in therapy for a while now. To my knowledge she has not

> mentioned anything to the therapist about any issues with me.

>

> Like I told hubby today, step daughter doesn't have to like me but this is

> my home and she does have to respect me and our belongings. But it doesn't

> change that I'm very hurt by this. Or, I could just be over reacting

> because today is my first day of trying to quit smoking. I was doing good

> until I saw that and now I'm really wanting a cig, but not going to smoke.

> Have patches. Will survive.

>

> Anyway, any thoughts/advice on this would be helpful. It makes me worry

> that her mother might be saying things to her about hubby & I that's making

> her turn against us. As I've said before, I think their mother is uBPD.

>

> Help?

>

> Mia

>

>

>

[Guest guest]

Heh...you know, that was my first thought... " Somebody's been listening to BPD

mom. "

When I was that age I was turned against all number of relatives. Now I grow up

and find that things just weren't as represented by BPD mom at all.

How's it going, Mia? Congratulations on your recent achievements.

--LL.

[Guest guest]

Its a phase its true, I have undergone the same thing. Infact I got my parents

separated because I was brainwashed into blaming my dad. A parent who tarnishes

the image of the father of her child is not a sane parent. Any parent who loves

the child will add perspective and positive implication to scenarios hoping that

her child has a happy life and can find a good partner. Unlike my mother who

emotional blackmails me into thinking negative about everyone. She thinks if she

does that I will stay with her and hence take care of her. But she doesn't

realise her anxieties render the child incapable of dealing with realities, but

her world is unreal, its an imagination based on some complex fantasy coming out

of fear....

________________________________

To: " WTOAdultChildren1 " <WTOAdultChildren1 >

Sent: Wednesday, November 2, 2011 8:47 AM

Subject: Re: Disturbed by something I found today

 

I still am not educated enough about htis disorder, but from my own experience,

my mother (uBPD) would tell me things about my dad and my step-mom which

eventually led to me hating my step-mother and my dad. I was about 8-12 years

old at the time. All I wanted to do was be loyal to my mom, she was my mom and I

loved her and I would have never doubted anything she said. Now looking back I

know it was all lies and manipulation. I think sometimes mothers do this even

when they are not BPD, but like everything else it might just be maginified by

the disorder.

Hopefully it is just a phase, good luck.